I was very busy yesterday afternoon when I got off work.

WH had not been calling me since we went on a date, so I talked to SHarley, and went back to Plan B.

Well, WH called about 9 times Thursday night, then about 8 times yesterday, even called and left a message at work...."I just want to talk to you. I guess you're not talking to me again."

I was running into the store, and my cell "vibrated". I have been waiting to hear from a friend who had to go to court yesterday for a child custody hearing.

I answered without even looking. It was WH. He started right in telling me how depressed he was, how he was back in his "hole" again. He needed a friend to talk to, etc.

I told him that we went on a "date", and then he never called me. Wh said he called me Tuesday night. I said no, that I had called him.

Well, the conversation went on, and we kind of got in a small argument about OW and how WH wouldn't send a NC letter to OW.

His reply "I just can't deal with that right now. I have too many other things that I'm dealing with inside myself right now. I thought I was coming out of my hole when we had our date, and now I'm right back in it again (reference to how my talk about NC letter). I was so excited to see you. I really needed something positive like that to help lift me up. Now I'm drinking again. I'm so depressed."

I told him he needs to make a decision, and then stick to it.

He told me how he got drunk last night, then drove down town and was yelling at "losers" on the street to get a job. He said he wanted to start a fight so someone would hurt him... physically. Just beat him up.

He really does have some issues!!!!!

I changed the subject. We started just having a normal conversation about everyday stuff.

We kind of hit on POJA. I explained a little of it to him. He said that it was too much like business. Marriage discussions should be more natural....like, things should just be agreed on.

Then, after that whole can of worms, we talked on. I was trying to be very upbeat, keep it light.

WH said "why can't we just talk like this?". I said "we ARE talking like this!"

I'm getting tired of his "twisted" point of view.

He closed with "well, I'll call you tomorrow if I'm feeling better. I just don't want to be around anyone right now. I'm just keeping to myself."

Personally, I think WH is REALLY depressed, and has some issues. His opinion of himself is very low. I can only see one way out of this for him...send the NC letter, and do what is right.

AH, THE SOAP OPERA CONTINUES.

So now, Plan B was broken.

What's your take on this situation, and what should I do now?

I'M CONFUSED!!! (Go figure!) K

K7...first time I'm posting to you, but followed your story...and please, this is my take on the sit--I'm in no way as qualified as others to give "advice." But here's my support:

Stay strong! depression or not (yes, I agree, sounds like he *is* depressed, compounded by fence sitting) These are *his* decisions. You've laid it out for him, right? There is no question, then what *HE* has to do. His choices.

His esteem issues? Methinks it is also an opportunity for him to have you feel sorry for him and take him back with open arms. Unfortunately, attached to him is the OW. Whether figuratively or hypothetically. Don't give in.

Keep your head up. You're doing fine.

k72172,


I haven't followed your sitch at all--but from reading this--it's not that bad--

If he calls again and you happen to answer the phone and he starts talking about how depressed he is--learn to make comments like--

I'm sorry to hear your so depressed--what do you think you could do to get yourself out of that situation? Have you considered going to see a counselor? as I'm not really qualified in that area to help you out--

I'm sorry your drinking so much, have you considered going to AA and getting help for that problem???

--He said that it was too much like business. Marriage discussions should be more natural....like, things should just be agreed on.

TR--Comments like this one--you could explain that with two people coming from different perspectives it takes work to actually get to an agreement--and the first thing he would have to agree to, would be NC with the OW in order for the other to take place--and until he's willing to do that--there is nothing further to discuss
and then hang up the phone--

Marriage is about growth---two people from different back grounds learning to live together
and make decisions that work for both parties--

Thanks....

First time I've heard from both of you. Hello, and thanks for your replies.

Had to take my dog to get her groomed. A friend..used to be my best friend... called and asked me to come to her place for coffee.

So I went. This friend and I drifted apart several years ago when she was doing some things that I could not agree with...ie., she was married, and having an affair with a married man.

She separated from her husband approx. 1 year after her affair started. (I know from being close friends with S and her husband, that there we issues with fulfilling EN in her marriage that caused the environ. that allowed her to have an affair).

Unfortunately, her husband was killed in a work accident. She and OM are still together, three years later, even tho he is not yet divorced.

We talked about my sit. She said that if I thought it would help, she would tell me about her sit. I said yes, I would like to hear her point of view, since she is both WS and OW.

She and OM live together most of the time. Right now they are having trust issues....she's jealous about OM talking about another woman he knows. He's jealous because another man sent her flowers for her birthday.

She talked about how she used to just laugh off OM comments about other women. How they even went to a strip club together, and it didn't really bother her (sounds exactly like a talk my WH and I had - his OW didn't care if he made comments about other women, and she wouldn't care if he went to a strip club, etc.).

Well, now my friend says the things her OM says about other women DO bother her. And if he went to a strip club, she would NOT like it at all!

So, she concludes, that their relationship has really changed in the past eight months.

And the fact that her OM just can't seem to get his divorce final, etc., really bothers her. His kids won't speak to him, etc.

She is even seeing an IC over all this!

I just got back home, and WH has not called.

Well, my friend invited me to a barbecue where her OM's band is playing tonight.

I think I'll go!

I'm off to change the outgoing message on my phone...to something like "HI! You've reached K's house. Leave a beep after the message!"

But you're right...WH has to get these things set for himself. I told him he needs to see and IC. But, like MC, he refuses. My boundaries are clear to WH - even tho he calls them demands. I want some action, not words.

And like I told him, I believe the problems that he's having now are a direct result of what he has done, and the guilt he feels.

I wonder if he would be in this bad shape if I had not found out about his A. He didn't seem to have a struggle with his guilt, morals, and his respectability before I found out!

Thanks...K

Ok, K, you really need to stop this because what you are doing is helping him prolong his affair. He needs to be deprived of his K "fix" before he will end the affair. The next time he calls, ask him a simple question: have you ended all contact with the OW?

If he says yes, then you ask that he demonstrate his committment to you by sending a nc letter.

If no, refer him back to your Plan B letter and politely tell him goodbye.


NOTHING ELSE! You must be a broken record. Don't let him draw you into a bs conversation. He is trying SO HARD to keep you strung along so that he can continue having his affair. So everytime you talk to him you are only helping him continue his affair.

Who are trying to help, K? The OW or yourself? So just remember, every time you have these long conversations with him, you are helping HER.

Mel..

As always, you are right!

I told WH in our talk yesterday, that he was playing head games with me, or trying to keep me on a string.

He said emphatically "NO! I'm not doing that, I don't do things like that!"

My thought was, WH, you may not be doing these things consciously, but you ARE doing them!

I was also just thinking... right after I Plan B'd him, he left a suicide threat on the answering machine. He was so depressed. He just couldn't find his way out of this mess. I called DD and told her she needed to go see her dad.

Then, after 3 weeks of my silence, he wanted to move home, take me out, love and romance me. What a change!

That's why I feel that my going on that date with him set us back to square one. I can see a pattern here.

I'm silent. He gets depressed. Gets better. Starts wanting me back. Things go great until I mention the NC letter, etc. Then he gets all depressed again, drinking again, giving veiled suicide threats again.

This is the third time! It must be the charm! Pattern discovered. Pattern ends HERE AND NOW!!!

I just am so amazed how you guys can get me thinking the right way!

In other words, CONFUSION GONE!!!!!!

Thanks, K

KS,
Stick to your guns lady!
I was in the same sitch as you, my W came back and told me all the right things. She agreed to write the No Contact letter, agreed to no contact professing she hasn't spoke to OM in over a month, he's moving away..blah blah blah...she even told me the word amongst some of their mutual friends is that OM is Bisexual/or Gay.

A week flew by and I havent seen the letter. I questioned her about the letter and here we go with excuses. Pleae KS get that letter from you H before he returns. Your H should have that letter written or you should sit down together and write it the moment he comes home. I was suckered into believing my W. Now I'm stuck with her back in my home and rationalizing why the letter isn't important, eventhough she knows it was a condition of her return.

Don't be like FM! Get the letter upfront, you don't want him back in your home flip flopping it will only cause you to LB due to his selfishness and remaining fog.

FM

That's right K, through your TOTAL darkness, you let him fall into that deep black hole of depression and then claw his way out without you as the ladder.

He is of no value right now, give him chance to become valuable, quit being nice to him by talking to him, you are enabling his failure and yours.

I love what Mel said about you helping OW out everytime you talk to him; we don't want that now DO WE?

Be "broken record" K, a dark, mysterious, beautiful broken record. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I say it again...

You guys are RIGHT!

NC letter is too important of a symbol for me. I have listened to his lies too many times to count.

If he really wants to get back with me, then what I think is important to be done, he should think so also.

Steve Harley said that true forgiveness comes from true repentance. You must truly repent, and then do whatever you can to repair the rift.

There again, words with the correct actions following!

And I know this not only goes for our soul, but for our lives as well.

I told WH in our talk, that even tho he didn't ask it of me, I forgave him. If he truly WANTS my forgiveness, he needs to follow up with some action---correct actions!

Apparently, he is neither willing nor able to do those things right now.

Plan B. Dark..... K

k72172,


--She and OM are still together, three years later, even tho he is not yet divorced.

TR--Do not hang out with this woman--if she is still involved with a MM--as you could get sucked into her life--

--She and OM live together most of the time. Right now they are having trust issues....she's jealous about OM talking about another woman he knows. He's jealous because another man sent her flowers for her birthday.

TR--Why should they trust either? they cheated on their respective spouses to get where they are--

--Well, now my friend says the things her OM says about other women DO bother her. And if he went to a strip club, she would NOT like it at all!

TR-_This is because she doesn't have her H around meeting all the other needs OM isn't meeting that her H did--before he died--

--And the fact that her OM just can't seem to get his divorce final, etc., really bothers her. His kids won't speak to him, etc.

TR--Ask her why she thinks he should he get a divorce?? He has a wife who is apparently meeting SOME of his needs--and her--who meets the rest--

Think about why you are in PLAN B--ask her if she has ever considered ending things with this MM and tried actually dating men who aren't married that she might actually have a future with--

Thanks TR-

My friend and I drifted apart because I did not agree with what she was doing. She says now that she knows she screwed up.

I don't think I could get involved with her life, because now, more than ever, I disagree with her lifestyle. It goes to the core of my being.

I also don't think I could get sucked into her life, because I'm so much stronger than I was 4 years ago...especially since I see the other side.

I have no desire to date another man. I'm still married. My life is $hit right now. Her life is never going to be anything but $hit.

I have the comfort of knowing that I am doing what I know to be right, and moral in my view.

Went to the barbecue with my old friend, and had a good time. Mostly because it was not just sitting alone at home.

It was also good to talk over old times...back when our kids were little, and my friend and her husband spent a lot of time with my H and myself.

But, that's all it was.

I just got home. Noticed that WH had not called at all today. He told me when we talked yesterday, that I should not worry if he didn't call. It didn't have anything to do with me.

And with that, all I can think of is that he is probably with OW.

I'm sad, but still strong. This may never come out like I think it should, but I will go on. I MUST go on.

K

Hi k,

just wanted to know how things are???????
bb

k????????????

I'm abit worried about you. How are you???

bb

Hello bb...

Thanks for your concern.

Well, after I accidentally answered WH's call, he told me at that time not to worry if he didn't call for a day or two. He's been keeping to himself.

He didn't call again until Sunday Morning.

On Saturday, an old friend of mine called (the one I talked about who had the A, husband died, and now is having problems with her OM). She asked me to have coffee with her while my dog was being groomed. So, I did.

She asked me to go to a barbecue with her that evening. So, I did.

Next morning, we went to the regional State Fair. Had fun. Some really good conversations, too. Especially about her OM, and how things have changed in their relationship.

WH called my phone a million times...I never answered. One message he left said "obviously you don't want to talk to me. I'm not going to call you any more. If you want to talk to me, then call. Goodbye."

Well, he showed up here after I got home. Asked me where I was, what I had been doing, and if I met "someone" at the barbecue.

After he got over his "poor me" bout, he started acting better. DS and family and friends came over to barbecue, and WH acted like his old self.

He came here last night, and spent the night.

I still need to talk to him again about my conditions for reconciliation, but don't know when to do it.

He wants me to go scuba diving with him this weekend. I would like to go diving, but am at a loss as to what I should do with this mess.

My new Plan B is totally blown out of the water now, and I'm kind of confused as to what I should do.

I've gotten some new books coming that were suggested on this site. Am currently reading "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. Dobson. Reading these books help me a lot.

The truth is, I feel like telling WH that he needs to meet my conditions, and THEN he should call me.

I have several alternate plans for this coming weekend, so I am not at a loss for things to do.

My question is - which way do I turn now?

Again, bb, thanks for your concern.

K