I've been thinking about the number of situations here that require "mental toughness" as we go through marital recovery, whatever the outcome of our efforts may be.

I've been reading two books by Jim Loehr Power of Full Engagement and Toughness Training For Life

The area where the betrayed spouse loses control the most is the management of the mental game of marital recovery. Low self-esteem, a natural result of betrayal, governs most BS reactions.

Every victory I've seen on this board moving through Plan A and Plan B has been won in the heart and mind of the BS first - the "tude" of "I'm too cute and life's too short" displayed by Leilana on the recovery board is the example I've used when my addict-husband gets too shaky on his recovery. It helps me execute a flawless empowerment strategy when I'll use it.

What other books do you recommend for winning the mental toughness challenge?

How would being mentally tough help you in the situation you're in right now?

Kayla, this is such an appropos topic for this forum. One of the biggest impediments I see to recovery around here is the BS'es paralyzing fear. Instead of working through it, some let it hold them back to their detriment. It is that fear alone that stops them from moving forward.

This lady called Dr Laura this week and told her that she couldn't do something because she is not "aggressive enough." Dr Laura said that "no one is aggressive enough." The only difference between them and her is that they don't let their fear hold them back. They work through the fear. BUT they do feel it just as she does. I thought that was an excellent point.

A book that had a huge impact on me years ago, and one which I need to take a good look at again is "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Dr. Steven Covey.

I used it in my career but it is really for all aspects of ones life.

This thread probably couldn't have come at a better time for many of us here, myself included. How easy it is to forget that we have the power, and it is really all about using it effectively.

Thank you Kayla.

Hi KaylaAndy - dare I add that these approaches work for personal recovery when marital recovery isn't available?

I think this is absolutely true. My paralying fear is right now holding me back from confronting WH to see where we stand. If I don't get over it, I am afraid my M doesn't stand a chance.

Do not attempt to negotiate from your position of weakness...

Pep

I haven't read the books, but I will utterly agree that paralysing fear held me back from exposing, setting boundaries, even discussing the betrayal with WW in the first weeks after d-day.

The first exposure to OM GF was one of the very hardest things I have ever done, but also one of the most empowering AND one of the most effective things also. I am very proud of summoning the strenth to risk angering my WW enpough to leave by so doing.

BEHAVING strong MAKES you stronger, I find.

I now have strength to be patient, and also to see a life for myself even if WW doesn't choose to recommit to our marriage in time.

While I'm not QUITE "I'm too cute and life's too short" yet I HAVE explained to my WW that I WANT her but I do not need her. I will be sad to let her go but I WILL be happy again with or without her. This shook her up a bit I think.