WH quit coming home months ago. Just a visit to mow, change clothes, etc. Found out about the A Aug 20. He's spent two days with us since then - that's it.

I've read about Plan A. How do you implement it when he's not home to do so? If I do implement it via phone and email (the only way I seem to 'talk' to him), do I not mention the affair, where we stand, etc? I feel a bit stupid treating him like a King when for all I know he is calling from OW's house.

I really feel that we need to really talk things thru. He is avoiding that and I keep trying to talk about it. Perhaps that is making me lose points in that Love Bank of his! lol

Right now, all he will say is he is working on it, I come first (right...), he doesn't want a D, he doesn't know what he wants, etc.

What should I be saying and doing?

I could really use some advice here....I ordered the Harley's books, but they have not arrived yet.

My main question is: do I bring up the idea that he needs to live at home every day and get rid of OW? Does this make me the villan in his eyes? ugh - so confused!

WOW (whyohwhy),

Your H is fogbound and getting away with it. It's hard to plan A when he's placed himself outside the home. You're seperated. My opinion is that you move to Plan B. Study up on it here at this site. Make sure you write a letter telling him that you love him and want the marriage to work out BUT you can't as long as the OW is in the picture. He needs to end the A and establish NC. Since he's struggling with the NC part, he might need your help. You can start by offering that. Believe me...you will be much harsher than H. You can tell him "H, I know from reading that breaking an emotional bond is hard and you seem to be struggling with it. Do you want me to help?" I doubt if he will let you but your offer and understanding will go a long way. If the OW turns psycho then he actually ask your help.

Once you actually go plan B stick by it. I sounds like the A addiction is not the only addiction he has. There are those here with addiction experience (melodyland).

He has all the control right now and your letting him have it. He can come and go, call or not call, everything...without any consequences. Don't enable that. Go dark and make him choose.

Good luck!

2scared

whyohwhy -

I would stay in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in sig. line.

Also you can work on yourself. Start making changes in you.

WOW....Not sure if you've read "Plan A Tips and Musings.....Get Grounded Here". I bumped it up and what is written is very insightful and may help you.

Weekends are slower, keep posting because there are normally twice or three times as many folks on during the week......Good Luck......LS

Do a search for postings by LostVA. She did a masterful Plan A with very little contact with her H, and is in recovery. Her attitude was wonderful....much like FaithinMe's!

WH came home at 3 am (ish) and I woke up of course. I have been a very light sleeper since this all happened.


I kept things positive He mentioned the possible job promo/move. Asked if I really thought the town woulod be ok.

Today we celebrated my birthday. I did have to make a few phone calls and emails to his work. Finally he returned one of the calls and we went out to eat. I purposely got a bit 'fuzzy' from drinks so he could see how 'lively' and 'fun' I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

OW is so much fun and they love to drink together, etc. Well, OW wiped out the corner of her apt. building because she was drunk as a skunk. I just cannot compete with that much fun, but I tried my best (in a controlled, mostly sober sort of way.)

He, of course, is gone as he is behind at work. Or so he says.

By the way, for my birthday, I am allowed to go out and buy a new vacuum. I want the vac, but flowers would have ben a nice addition....

Edited to add that I guess I should be happy that he was here at all for my birthday. Perhaps that indicated effort on his behalf. Dunno.

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: WhyOhWhy ]</small>