Actions speak louder than words.....That's what I wrote this morning on my other post.

Essentially, I snooped last night. Was angry/hurt. Better this morning. Met WW at bank, opened her own account. WW still insists "this won't be long" and "I've set a deadline - won't tell me what it is, but set a deadline".

I'm feeling freakin' used all day so this afternoon, I tell her she has to move more of her stuff out. I explained the mixed signals she's sending, how she's here but not working on us, etc.

Not what I was supposed to be doing after C with Steve H. Now I'm wondering "what have I done?"

She moved clothes and other misc items but still didn't want to take "too much stuff". WW said "I won't need that because I'll get dressed here in the mornings". I told her that she needed to get dressed at the apartment. I saw concern on her face but no discussion about it.

WW and I have not argued about any of this. That's where I'm confused. We just discuss it like it's mowing the damn lawn. Is it me? Am I being too cautious and worried about LBing?

I didn't even let it show that I was angry when OM called today (another reason I opted to tell her to get on with moving out - the phone calls have increased from OM). I even told her that I checked her cell and that's why I need her to go. The fence sitting was getting to me.

I heard from alot of experienced ones that WW is struggling with this based on my postings. I guess her actions spoke volumes to me as she continued to "move forward" with the apartment but never really "moved out". I'm know WW hasn't been "out" with OM for the last two weeks because I've been with her and DD every day. After the conversation, WW was very friendly, touchy, affectionate, etc. Later in the day, there was complimentary SF.

What am I seeing?

I guess I wanted her to move out so "this" can begin to stop. I don't know why, but I believe her when she say's this won't be for too long. I know Plan B will be painful and right now I don't even know if I should go to Plan B.

I don't think I'm strong enough to continue Plan Aing knowing the apartment is there, WW hasn't committed to marriage and OM is still in contact.

I let my heart take over my head today. I wanted her out and now WW is at her apartment but she'll be here in the morning.

I'm not sure if I got a question in there or not. Maybe someone reading can just provide some "outside looking in" observations......

I'm tired and confused.......LS

Wanted to add one thing. DD spent the day at a friends house and came home around 7:30.

I overheard WW (during the call earlier from OM) that he wanted to talk. WW actually came outside after the phone call - which I interupted on purpose as she was talking in the gargage. WW had the confused/sad/concerned for me look on her face.

I made some Plan A comment and she offered the information that OM wanted her to go to Irvine with her but she said no. I said "are you going to see him". WW said he wanted to talk around 9:00.

There wasn't an argument/LB or anything. I just went back to painting the patio.

DD comes home, bath time, etc. WW leaves at 9:00 (as previously discussed coupled with I told WW she needed to stay at the apartment tonight also). Did ensure she told DD that she was going out with a friend. Didn't want anymore than that but certainly didn't want WW to tell her she was going to work.

WW called while I was posting (at 10:00). Said she was back at the apartment and was tired and going to sleep. I finished my first post and decided to call because my mind was thinking - yeah, right! You're at the apartment and going to sleep. I bet you're either out or with OM.

I called at 10:30 and sure enough, she was asleep. Almost dropped the phone, obviously asleep. (Been with her for 19 yrs and certainly know her sleep speak).

The reason I'm posting all of this is because I'm wondering "what is my mind doing to me?" Am I overthinking everything and is this one of the phases I'm not familiar with?

I'm still tired and confused. Maybe that's what's happening........LS

Had two more thoughts. Tired but can't get my head straight tonight.....

1) Does anyone have any opinions regarding sending a letter to OM threatening to expose further if he continues to contact WW? (OM called it off after I exposed to OM's mother).

2) I was thinking that maybe my WW is trying her way to "come home" knowing that the A isn't what she wants and maybe realizing here with me/DD is where she should be (which is why I have question #1). A few points:

- Hesitantcy to leave our home even though the apartment has been leased/furnished for 1 1/2 weeks.

- Consistently says "this will not be for long, I can feel it" and "I've set a date for return"

- Said she would counsel with Steve H although I couldn't narrow down a time (which I offered to arrange the counseling)

- I offered His Needs/Her Needs to take with her and she did.

- Offered statements during conversations like "OM and I are not as close as we were" and "we don't talk as much as we used to". I confirmed that at least on her cell the calls range from 1 - 5 minutes.


Although my WW hasn't verbally stated "I'm ready to commit to our marriage", I'm wondering if her moving forward with the apartment is another way of proving to herself that she does want to commit and won't fall into the A trap again?

I hope all three posts are not so long that I've lost anyone who has some opinions/insight....

Thanks......LS

The first thought after reading you post... what do you think of taking a (at least) week of vacation, go to a nice quiet island, spend some time just with yourself, walking, exploring it, sleeping... and thinking...


I mean, once it helped me a lot...
Sometimes, from a distance, we think more clarly, and we see some lights of best solutions...

BTN...Thanks. About 20 minutes ago, I was walking around my driveway and I actually thought the same thing.....

Maybe I'm too wrapped up in expectations and the drama of it all.....

I think that maybe taking 30 days off work isn't working out to be the smartest move.......LS

LS,

As long as you are confused by her actions you can be sure she is also. She is sending mixed messages. Therefore it w/b better NOT to read too much into her words but watch her actions.

Right now she isn't making any notable steps toward the M. Instead she is walking dazed in the fog.

Stay away from her for now. Work on yourself. It is a safer path and one that will produce results.

JMHO,
L.

I'm with Orchid. Just work on yourself and try to be unavailable. Your wife is not the typical WW. Usually they are with OM and want nothing to do with their husband.

First - additional exposure. Please remind me of what exposure opportunities are available beyond OM's Mommy. Regardless, telling on him to Mommy again seems necessary, with a reminder to her that her little boy is systematically participating in a project that can destroy a family with a child.

Your "overthinking" is typical of BSs deeply committed to saving their families. I was guilty of this, too. It's very hard to react only to trends and not every up and down day of the stock market. Same thing here. Orchid is right, your WS is confused as hell. A lost lamb.

When's your next session with Steve? Please discuss with him how to knock her off the fence. You may have to knock her off in the direction towards OM so that she can "benefit" from Plan B - isolation from you and a full dose of OM, along with only partial doses of your daughter.

I don't think you've done anything wrong handling her with kid gloves - if any thing she's not getting enough tough love. Some have used this very effectively on fence sitters - poop or get off the pot. One way you could approach this is to say, use that apartment or let's not waste money on it. But I think she HAS to experience leaving temporarily before she'll realize what's at stake to lose permanently.

WAT

What you are going through is all too common,a nd why Plan B was invented. This stuff is tearing you apart, and you probably need to extricate yourself from it, and her. Please consider Plan B.

Thanks to all of you. I do believe it's time (probably overdue) to back off quite a bit.

Today is another example of the "fog shuffle". Showed up right at 0630 and complained how tired she was from no sleep at the apartment.

We all went to church this morning. First time in a long time and it was wonderful. Even if my WW wasn't moved, I was. My DD was too as she drew me a picture of what she thought God looked like. Very uplifting and inspiring.

One thing I didn't mention earlier was WW said yesterday "don't you think it's hypocritical of me to go to church". I said "God accepts hypocrites (sp?) too". I figure I spoke out of line, but I wasn't quick enough for a better response.

About additional exposure. Don't have many options other than WW's workplace. Earlier I contemplated contacting the friend who called on the cell phone (earlier post) but based on my C with Steve H, he's got me holding off until I can see if WW will C with him. WW said she would but w/o a timeline, I don't know if waiting will fit into the scheme of things. I'll C with Steve H early this week and see what he thinks.

quote from WAT:
Regardless, telling on him to Mommy again seems necessary, with a reminder to her that her little boy is systematically participating in a project that can destroy a family with a child.

....That'll be my first call. I also read a post from someone else who said they sent " an intent to expose " letter to OM if he didn't stop contacting WW. Any opinions on doing that?


Plan B. That's actually where I think I need to be. I haven't had the opportunity to have her feel the results of her actions. I had set a timeline to go to Plan B but it'll have to be altered some.

Based on my call to Steve H this week and input from all of you, I'll be re-evaluating where I'm at.

In the interim, I'm backing off and becoming increasingly "less available".

Thank you all for being there!!!

.........LS

I recommend against any "an intent to expose " letter to OM. It just tips them off for implementing pre-emptive damage control.

Would you deal with a devil?

WAT

LS -

I don't know what church you go to, but in my church, the Lord is there for the lost and broken hearted.

Please come alongside your wife, and lead her back to the marriage.

Thanks WAT and nope!...wouldn't and won't deal with the devil!!! More "exposure" avenues once I C with Steve H.....
____________________

Believer...I re-read my post. Probably a bit misleading.....please endulge a better explanation as I want to ensure honesty and accuracy. It's the very least I can do for all the help I've received.

When the conversation took place about being a hypocrite, it wasn't a bad conversation. It was said to me from WW with a bit of humor and alot of concern. My response was the same. A little bit of humor but followed up with concern. There wasn't any derogatory statements made other than my short-sighted attempt at humor. We actually talked quite a bit about it.

Before, during and after church, we were a family. We bought a CD of a guest singer and we all listened to it in the car. We talked about DD's "children's church", how well the pastor spoke and we genuinely had a wonderful time.

The pastor was uplifting and hit me hard enough for tears. My WW was beside me the entire time. We held hands, we sang - I believe WE felt presence and for most of the morning into early afternoon - ALL of the past weeks of heartache, pain, etc. were gone.

I am alongside my WW and want my W back. Sometimes I rush my posts (WW is still here 95% of the time) and right now, I don't think it would benefit me for her to find my postings nor learning about Plan A's, B's, etc.

I'll stop rushing and ensure clarity, accuracy and honesty. Thanks Believer for that shot of clarity tossed my way.

__________________________________

I followed all of the advice and backed off today. It was a good day. WW did quite a bit for the family today while I was "occupied".

WW re-cleaned the entire house while DD and I went for an extended bike ride. I say re-cleaned because with the extra free time I have now, I'm keeping the house "Good Housekeeping" ready...

I also called a buddy of mine and went beyond the patio and sat in the warmth of the sun and talked. WW noticed and came outside very interested in who I was talking to. Told her who it was and she smiled and went back inside.

I feel better for today. I don't have the confusion or pain I had yesterday. I'm "playing the stock market" and "not taking too much stock in her words but closely monitoring her actions".

Thanks again experienced ones for your clarity, understanding and much needed guidance........LS

LS -

Sounds like things are going fairly well. I am quite hopeful for you and your wife. I would tell her that you realize that she wants her freedom, and suggest that you cannot make her stay. Then add on the part about not wasting the money on an unoccupied apartment.

At some point you need to start writing your Plan B letter. But check with the Harley's first. They are the experts. And please follow their advice.