I used to be mllc, but I don't want my OM to notice my posts. (He only looked at ours.)

Noodle, etc. were all right about their advice. I'd succumbed to OM's pressure to come out here, knowing the possible consequences, but I listened to him more than everyone else. "They're not us, so they don't KNOW." Well, you did know. So, here's the update & I need some advice.

For the first 3 days we were together, everything was "great." From then on, our life together was a rollercoaster. Just about everyday, one of us decided "to do what's right." Everytime one decided to do what's right, the other convinced that one to stay. (Make sense?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Most of the time I decided to leave was when I'd catch him in a lie. Anyway, today was one of those days & after I'd decided to leave, he decided to treat me literally like trash. Now, I am in a state 1000's of miles away, w/o a single friend. He moved back into his house yesterday. I know that is supposed to be good, but now I feel betrayed (not necessarily by his leaving as by his method) and alone.

My family, friends, & H don't want me to go back until I basically hate him. I don't hate him, I just feel hurt by him. I can't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes, I think about him. So, I open my eyes & feel miserable. I could read my Bible, but the conviction seems to hurt too much.

I could give many more details, but I'm so tired, I'm afraid I'm not making any sense. Please ask questions that will help you give advice.

My punishment seems more than I can bear.

B/f I get any responses, I ask that you be gentle. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm hurting.

I have a few questions and/or comments. Is OM married? What do you feel for you H? Please tell me your story.

tolduso..

this is marriage builders..

all about doing the right thing in a MARRIAGE..

some marriages shouldn't be fixed...
some marriages won't and don't work out...
there are even right ways to end those types of marriages...

BUT destroying a marriage via the route you chose....
is not what this board is about...

what do you want from people here...here at MARRIAGE BUILDERS?

what type of advice are we supposed to give you..
when you don't care to hear what we have to say..

I don't understand....

I give this a couple posts...and soon enough your OM will show up...speaking his chaos as well...

ARK

Go complete no contact with you OM-go thru the withdrawl. I mean NC, then see how you feel about your H.

If I were you I would go home and rebuild my family, but I don't know your family. You are lost and confused-you kbow the right thing-loose the OM either way. You need to start with you alone.

Maybe call Steve H.?

Ark-I know this is marriage builders. I do not want to destroy either of our marriages. OM is not going to show up in here. He went back to his W & is treating me like trash. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it's very difficult after all the promises that he's made. He is completely in control of his sit. at home & will not feel like he needs any advice.

New Jersey- I don't have children, but I do have a good husband & I ultimately want to go back to him.

Isccbean- My H is a very good man. I know now that I love him. Last night I talked to him & he said that as soon as I prove (through N/C) that I am through w/ my OM, then he'll take me back.

I got advice from this site b/f I decided to come out here. We both thought "we were different." He made me many promises that he'd fulfill if I came out here. All of my family told me that if I came out here, the only way they'd accept me back is if I was repentant (completely over him). Though I know I should be, I am not. I know that everything everybody said about him is true: lies, etc., but esp. the lies.

Right now my sit. is living in his apt. w/ N/C. I have no money to leave on my own. He offered to buy me a ticket yest., but I said I wanted to talk to him first, so he didn't. I could ask my parents to buy me a ticket/wire me some money, but I feel that me leaving is hypocritical. I have left the state 3+ times to get away from him & he always ends up talking me into coming back. He behaved the way he's behaving now once & when I was on my way out, he convinced me to stay. My parents wanted me to prove that I was over him while I was here, so I'm not just taking everyone else for a ride.

What I'm thinking about doing is staying here for a few more days, proving to our families that we will actually go through w/ N/C this time. There are a few problems w/ that:

1. Though highly unlikely, he might try to come back to me. I really don't think it's possible for me to take him back, but I've thought that b/f. Maybe a few days longer of this treatment will convince me once & for all.

2. I'm living in an apt. w/ no money, no friends, etc. I only have a computer & tv. I'm sure I will drive myself crazy by myself.

I'm sure there are other things also, but I'll hope that some of you can put some things in perspective for me.

Thank you.

Well, I know this probably isn't appropriate, but.... This makes me nauseous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

To read this on a Sunday morning to boot while my cheating wife is on her cell phone talking to her long distance internet lover.

You want to rebuild your marriage..then cut the games.....

you don't PROVE no contact by staying near eachother extra days to show no contact......you PROVE no contact by not contacting..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

you don't refuse a plane ticket to get back home..out of the guise of avoiding hyporcitical behavior...are you being serious with that one..or more of you and he and the situation is different.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

you tell him no to the ticket and to spend that money on his children who deserve to reap that monies benefit...

I do not want to destroy either of our marriages.

already did that one...
if you want to TRY to rebuild your marriage then you go home to where your family and husband is..period...

and you do the work needed...

anything else is you taking action not to rebuild

regardless of your feelings
regardless of your pain

your intentions are in actions..

who will play the fake suicide card threat first here...
you or or him?...that's part of the pattern..

what you should do
is apoligize to his wife and children and maintain no contact with him...
and then fly home ..
that's what you should do...
all your others ideas..

game playing
drama... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
same old same old...
you two are masters at it..and know nothing else...
oh yeah..all done in the name of love...

that's the only advice worth anything..to you
call your parents
get the money
and next flight home...

the question is will you.....

I don't know if you will or won't....
I do know it is the right thing to do...

ARK

tolduso,
Your post is very telling. It seems as though you would jump at the opportunity to get back with the OM. I'm reading between the lines here...

You sound miserable and lonely, but not repentant and anxious to rebuild your relationship with your H.

You say that you "ultimately" want to get back together with your H. Are you going to make a commitment to that or is it just lip service while you keep waiting for things to work out with the OM?

I am trying to get you to see that your words are leaving a lot of gray area here...You don't "think" you would go back to the OM, but you have said that before etc. etc.

This is Marriage Builders. There are a lot of wonderful folks here who will help you in your effort to rebuild your marriage. Let us know when you are ready to begin.

now I feel betrayed (not necessarily by his leaving as by his method) and alone.

The real betrayal is this ~~~~

You betrayed yourself!

You threw away your values.... you betrayed yourself and your core goodness.

You broke your promised marital vows .... you betrayed yourself and dishonored your word.

You went against what your intellect knew was common sense. You betrayed yourself and you willingly played the fool.

You took a dive into an empty swimming pool ~~~ because OM told you there would be water in there ~~~ someday ~~~. You betrayed your sense of self-protection.


OM did not betray you .... YOU DID. You are your own enemy.

What can YOU do about all this self-betrayal?

Become your own best friend.

Find out what you really believe in.... what are your core values.... and never again betray yourself.

This is not about which man you choose to "be with". This is about YOU choosing a self. What kind of woman are you? What kind of woman do you want to become? How can you admire yourself again?

Pep

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Tolduso..

I was just thinking about you last night, wonderring how things went for you.

Looks like they went pretty much the way I suspected they would..just really in a much more efficient way than I ever could have hoped. Now before you think I'm mocking your pain, allow me to explain. You were both in a fog..sounds like he still is, and you still mostly are as well..but this pain has allowed you a certain clarity that I advise you take advantage of while it lasts. You thought you had a beautifull love story...what you actually had was a tawdry affair and nothing more..and he is now treating you exactly that way..and it hurts..I'm sure it does. You say that you feel betrayed..I tell you that you have been betrayed. He has defrauded and betrayed you and his wife both. He has used and discarded you both as he deemed fit. You say that he has all of the power...yes, and you gave it to him. Now take it back. You, despite your anger and hurt, are still in love with him...if he showed up and made more sweet promises to you...you would run and not walk back into this..so here is what I advise.

Your problems are that
1) You still live in his apt. TUS..you really..really need to leave. You are a sitting duck. A walking bullseye. Worse? You can't even begin to move on until you leave the little love nest you two built. So leave..no excuses, just do it.

2) You are still so vulnerable to fall back in. No promise that you could make anyone right now about your committment to be done with him carries any weight whatsoever. You need to unbind yourself from him. Withdraw and begin to recover

I suggest that you do go home to your parents. Please let them protect you from yourself. Give them your cell phone so that it is impossible for OM to contact you privately, and willingly and eagerly allow them to lay down parameters that will keep the wolf at bay. Do not be proud. Do not be so humiliated by asking for help , despite having failed before, that you fail again. I can already hear resistance in your tone...the idea of going home all "repentant" is a bitter pill for you to swallow, no doubt. Be honest. Your parents love you enough to help you again, let them. Tell them the truth...you are still in love with this man..but you don't want to be. Show them the MB site..let them read about addiction so that they have a better idea of what you are going through so that they can help you more effectively.

The same really applies to your M. You do not love your H right now..it is an inconstant divided love at best. You want to love him though..and that is an excellent place to start. Tell him about MB..this board would love to support the two of you in your rebuilding efforts, should you choose to rebuild, and offer any help and advice we had.

I'm glad to see you back..sorry that you are hurting so badly, and hope you take steps to bury this dead thing..it's stinkin' up the joint. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

--Noodle

Does OM's W know that he is having an affair with you? She should, it is her right to know who she is married to. Chances are that she is very much in the dark, otherwise she would have kicked his sorry a** to the curb and not take him back until he proved to her that he had nothing more to do with you.

Your H is a very understanding and patient man but he, like every person on Earth, has his limits and if you continue your contact with your OM, you may find that when you are finally ready to come back to him, he may not want you back.

Forgive me for saying this but it's time for you to start acting like an adult and leave the school girl romance fantasies behind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tolduso:
I do not want to destroy either of our marriages.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You *still* have yet to say what you *WANT*; just what you don't want. For anybody to help you, you need to know what you wnat. Yes, this is Marriage Builders.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM is not going to show up in here.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this his apartment? How do you *know* he is not going to show up?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is completely in control of his sit. at home & will not feel like he needs any advice.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Two things: not gonna say it--your screen name says it all--, but, he has been controlling the situation since you posted. ****HOWEVER**** the choices you made, have *let* him deepen his psychological deviance--manipulating another human being. He is sick.
Second, why the he11 are you concerned if the OM needs advice or gets help? (Then again, you need to know what *YOU* *WANT*.)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...but I do have a good husband & I ultimately want to go back to him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The *only* thing you've stated that you "want." Look at your words though: "ultimately." Why the condition? What exactly do you mean by this?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H is a very good man. I know now that I love him. Last night I talked to him & he said that as soon as I prove (through N/C) that I am through w/ my OM, then he'll take me back.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've said this over and over. SAID this. Time to put your words into actions. And he also sounds like a very intelligent man as well. He is not asking too much from you for N/C--AND WRITE IT--and show it to your H. This, is a very reasonable and huge first step for you to reconcile your M. A great start. But, what do *YOU* *WANT*? (Maybe a good way of starting this reconciliation is writing the NCL, show it to your husband (via fax), agree to it, ask if it would be OK to come home, and leave it at the apt. THE END.) And then prepare yourself to *WORK* at your M.)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got advice from this site b/f I decided to come out here. We both thought "we were different." He made me many promises that he'd fulfill if I came out here. All of my family told me that if I came out here, the only way they'd accept me back is if I was repentant (completely over him). Though I know I should be, I am not. I know that everything everybody said about him is true: lies, etc., but esp. the lies.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you ready to listen to us? You heard us, but you didn't listen.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He offered to buy me a ticket yest., but I said I wanted to talk to him first, so he didn't.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which "he"? The OM? Why did you want to talk to him first? What were you going to say? What *is* there to "say"?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...but I feel that me leaving is hypocritical.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please explain this.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I'm thinking about doing is staying here for a few more days, proving to our families that we will actually go through w/ N/C this time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe ark or some of the more well-versed MB'ers can respond to my suggestion about the NCL--IMHO, you need to leave yesterday, though. You can *NOT* "prove" anything if you around the OM.


I can only speak for myself:
This will be my last post to you until you tell us what *you* want. (PS--if the answer involves "taking the OM back", you also won't here from me.

PS You mentioned about the Lord and convictions and the Bible. Have you tried praying? I mean, reall praying? I (& W) will be praying for you.

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

I am COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY AND SOLELY responsible for my life and what has happened and what will happen.


Repeat continously until you understand and believe that mantra. When you do, the path of God will show you the way.

Focus your life on winning back your H. That is your challenge now. Look forward to it. Fight for him. While he was home without you, when you were with OM, your H was probably learning how to be happy without you.

Stop yourself from thinking of OM, he's worthless to you. He was your partner in causing your H unthinkable pain. He helped you lose the respect of your family. When your thoughts start to turn to OM, switch them to your plan to win back your H and your family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyway, today was one of those days & after I'd decided to leave, he decided to treat me literally like trash.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You decided to leave, now do it. Get out of his apartment, get away from anything and everything that connects you to OM. Change your phone number. Go back to the town where your H is. But don't expect to live with your H yet. Get a small apartment and prove to him that you deserve another chance as his W.

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: haywire ]</small>

Tolduso, you don't want what's right thing to do and you do what's wrong thing to do.
You don't know what you really want, at least your actions don't show that; you know
right now you are not happy being with (in contact) with OM, but you are not happy going back to your H either (otherwise you'd do so).

Why don't you find a job ASAP, move out of that apt. and - be alone, for a while?!?
Sort out your thoughts, learn more about yourself, regain self respect (btw, why do you have to depend (financially and emotionally) on anyone??)
Depend just on yourself! That way you'd have much more to offer to people they really love you (your H, your parents).

Hopefully your H would understand that and it'll be less painful for him your NC with everyone comparing to now being in OM's apt.
Your parents would be more pleased too.
And you'll stop destroying OMW's life too.

OM is not yours, never been, never should be, and as he shows he's not worth of it either.
Get rid of him, regardless of coming back (REALLY coming back) to your H.

Get back to yourself firstly.
If you don't think you betrayed yourself, then please stop doing it to other people...
You'll see... you could lose some things now you want to have, but you'd feel much better in peace and love with your honest and respectful yourself than you can ever imagine now...

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

I just got off the phone w/ my Mom & she said that she wants me to prove that they're not going to fly me out there & I'm going to continue to have contact w/ him...

Ark-I will not accept any more $ from him. I honestly no longer think that our situation is different, except maybe that he's a better liar/manipulater than most. I will follow your advice, but I'm going to have to stick it out here atleast a week.

Ladysing- When I posted my first thread, I was not making a commitment, but now I am.

Pepperband- You're right. I will stop feeling like a victim & work towards becoming a better woman & making better choices.

Noodle- I really appreciate you in all this. I understand how unhealthy our relationship was now.
What is "TUS?"
Addressing problems: This apt. is now love nest. It barely has anything in it. I agree that I am vulnerable to him, but not to taking him back. I am vulnerable to his cruelty. It's ironic that he used to treat his wife the same way he's treating me, but now the roles are reversed.

It is taking every oz of strength not to keep calling him/trying to contact him. Even if his motives for leaving me are not pure, I guess I should be thankful, right?

Toomuchcoffeeman- OM's wife knows everything. Last night I talked to her & we compared his lies to each of us. She has tried to reject him over & over, but he always manipulates her to take him back, "no strings attached." In fact, he is not having contact w/ me b/c he is bitter for many difficult things I've said to him, rather than to be sensitive to his wife. She even put him in jail once, but when he got out, he ignored the restraining order & got her to take him back.
I talked to my H & though he has been working on "getting over me," he assured me that as soon as I prove I'm over OM, he'll gladly take me back.

Liny- Though it is his apt., most of his stuff is at his house. He does not really need anything in here.
Also, I'm no longer concerned about him getting advice.
I am not ready to go back to my H b/c I'm not ready to live w/ him. Our relationship is going to take a lot of work & we both think it'd be best to date again.
I will write a NCL. Will someone give me advice on it or should I look through this site for it?

I watned to talk to him b/c I thought it appropriate for him to give me a NCL. I no longer feel like I need that. I am probably wishing for it simply to give in to my addiction one last time.

So, I will be staying here for atleast 1 week. I have not had contact w/ OM for almost 1 day now. I am going to be very lonely this week. I'd like to be accountable to you all.

Please, I need some help. I have this sudden urge to call him & it hurts so bad to fight it! Can a WS tell me how to handle this? Please!

tolduso, you just DON'T DO IT. I had a friend I used to e-mail when the urge got too strong.

Think of it is as holding on to your pride and thinking how much BETTER about yourself you will feel when you don't succumb to the urge.

I might even make you smile with this. I e-mailed this friend one time and said I wanted to e-mail OM. She replied with a great big 'NO' in 72font huge bold red letters.

tolduso, go home to your parents, start rebuilding with your H and have some REAL happiness in your life.

Jen

Thank you, Kiwi, I won't. I might need you again. It just helps to hear someone say something so simple.