Hi everyone....I have heard through MIL and mutual friends that WH thinks because of my Plan B, that I am....

mad at him
dislike him
dont want to see him cause i dont want to even look at him cause of what he has done
being a *****
being ridiculous cause i dont want any contact with him

Ok, so are these normal reactions from a WH being plan'd B?

Should I make a new Plan B letter and send it to him?

My original Plan B letter was very short, but I did clarify that I loved him and wanted to be married. That I could no longer have any contact with him until he ended contact with OW.

Or is it that there brain fails to acknowledge that part of the letter (hench fog)?

I have been doing a stellar Plan B, and it is going quite well for me. I really want to leave this alone and not have to write another letter.

I guess my question is are these all natural reactions from the WH's.

When people ask him, if he's seen me, he answers, "no, she doesnt want to have anything to do with me".

I am confused about what i should do.

Opions please, your advice is greatly appreciated as always.

Thank you
A/C0810

WH thinks because of my Plan B, that I am....

mad at him
dislike him
dont want to see him cause i dont want to even look at him cause of what he has done
being a *****
being ridiculous cause i dont want any contact with him

NOT ONE of these is true... so don't worry about it.

Ok, so are these normal reactions from a WH being plan'd B?

What choice does your H have?

1. Say this is all YOUR fault.

2. End his affair and rebuild.

He's still choosing 2..... don't worry about it.

Should I make a new Plan B letter and send it to him?

His choice won't change because of a new PBL.... no , your Plan B is working just fine... The point of Plan B is to protect you from his chaos.

My original Plan B letter was very short, but I did clarify that I loved him and wanted to be married. That I could no longer have any contact with him until he ended contact with OW.

See.... just fine. He's still choosing "blame her".... ignore his childishness... go enjoy yourself

Or is it that there brain fails to acknowledge that part of the letter (hench fog)?

Foooooog mixed with stubborn pride usually

I have been doing a stellar Plan B, and it is going quite well for me. I really want to leave this alone and not have to write another letter.

Good instinct!

I guess my question is are these all natural reactions from the WH's.

Yup

When people ask him, if he's seen me, he answers, "no, she doesnt want to have anything to do with me".

And his statement is true .... but he leaves off the rest ---> "because I still want to date someone else while married." .... oops!

I am confused about what i should do.

No you're not.

You are in no way confused. You just need reassurance.

Opions please, your advice is greatly appreciated as always.

Stick to your guns... you're getting him all flustered. His discomfort is a good sign. Discomfort is a great motivator.

Pep

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

thanks pep.......i guess your right im not confused just need re-assurance.

I just think if he thinks i hate him, he wont try to come back, but i guess thats just stupid.

I hope he is flustered about all this, cause you know, when he left he had no idea i would react this way.

I know he thought we would be friends/pals. The jokes on him.

thanks again
A/C0810

A/C0810,

Thanks for this thread, getting the same thing from WW and now somewhat from my MIL who has been a staunch ally of mine. WW says I was cold and angry when we were together (largely true) and this is just an extension of that.

The thread was timely for me and, given Pep's response, exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you both.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A/C0810:
<strong> thanks pep.......i guess your right im not confused just need re-assurance.

I just think if he thinks i hate him, he wont try to come back, but i guess thats just stupid.

I hope he is flustered about all this, cause you know, when he left he had no idea i would react this way.

I know he thought we would be friends/pals. The jokes on him.

thanks again
A/C0810 </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's a prayer.

God, I pray allow her WH to fully experience the agony of his choices. Allow him to be miserable and unhappy without his loving wife. Allow him to be the most miserable he can be without dying. Allow WH to find his way back home through his pain and emptiness. I pray the gates of heaven open up and sunshine and joy bless their marriage ~~ when WH returns home as a new man with new eyes.

Pep

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

AC,

I'm a FWH. Here's what's going on... In the deception of the fog, there is a delicate balancing act going on as the WH trys to negotiate and control the two lives going on. The cake and eat it. Sometimes plan A gives the feeling of happiness and peace when that is really just an illusion created by the BS in an attempt NOT to LB. What plan A does VERY well is ingrave in the WH's mind all the good things and nice things about you. Sorta grace under fire. He won't forget that now that the darkness has fallen.

BUT...in plan B the balancing act has come crashing down. He is now realizing the consequences of his actions and is loosing you. It's important that he knows that this darkness has an end and the end is in HIS control... He ends the A and establishes NC with OW and the process can begin toward rebuilding. NOT UNTIL THEN. You have to stick to your guns. He is in the EARLY stages of panic.

When the WH sees he is loosing you and it is because of HIS actions then a gut wretching panic grips his heart. The panic will cause trouble in paradise! He will question the OW relationship and then the "perfect" fantasy relationship will go through turmoil. The OW will freak out against him and he will question (in his mind) if he is choosing the right person. This is where the memories of plan A come back. He remembers your kindness...compared to the turmoil NOW in his life. He will remember your grace, patience, love, and care...all when he didn't deserve it.

He then has to chose...you or the OW. If he choses you then he has a long hard road of NC, withdrawl and recovery. BUT...still better than the OW.

He is in the panic stage now. He wants everything back the way it was...peaceful and full of both women and all of his EN's being met. Remember, the OW CAN'T meet the needs you were meeting. He will go into starvation stage next.

So, what do you do? Make sure your friend assures him that you love him and will be there for him ONLY if he ends the A and establishes NC. Until then, good luck. Then play with his head and add to the panic...say "I just hope he doesn't wait too long."

Good luck and take this time to renew yourself. Friends, family, activities, hobbies...take care of you.

May God grant you peace and heal your marriage.

2scared

The same here, and I eagerly read replies...

Yesterday when I was giving him our son (his visitation schedule and I cannot avoid not seeing him totally, just keep conversation related to our son, nothing more!), he asked me to go out and have dinner together.
I said nothing, then he repeated question, I kept silent, then he said - no answer at all?
I said - you already know my answer if you read what I wrote to you, and you did, didn't you?
And I left with saying to our son - byebye love, have a good time.

Today I found a message from him - "we both miss you and hope we can have dinner together tonight". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I take it as undervaluing my words/wish...
a total disrespect...

Belong...

Hang in there and don't get all upset. He's struggling with the isolation. He IS going to try to establish contact. DON'T get mad or LB. You don't have to get mute in his presence. When he asks you out, smile, say no thank you, and remind him that you will be glad to do that when the A is over and NC established.

Remember, you want to isolate him but you want him to remember nice things.

Don't take his attempt to contact as disrespect. Consider it him longing for your contact and a sort of withdrawl from have you meet his needs. He is having seperation anxiety.

good luck,
2scared

Thanks a lot, 2scared!
All you said makes sense, it's just sometimes hard...
Thinking rationally I understand him; it was so good for him having both of us, meeting (almost) all of his needs... I understand him so well (I was not a perfect wife and am deeply aware of my wrong doings too), so well that I feel his pain too, being torn, and feel sorry for him...
But as a just human being I have my emotions too... and disrespect I already had when we were together comes up again whenever he repeats his own way ('it'll be my way or no way')... so many so many times he'd just neglect my words, sometimes even agreed, than do according HIS wishes...

Well... time will tell...
I just hope I'll reach the point of being able to talk to him at least as a good friend... EVEN if he does NOT ALLOW ANY personal question AS he does now... (E.g. I am not allowed to ask him what are his plans for coming weekend EVENTHOUGH he asks me and I say what they are...)

I also was thinking, if OW IS Ms. Right (apparently she is not), we have our son.. and we were good friends too before...
But how can I be a friend to anyone when I cannot ask what's happening in their (personal) life too?
The second choice (his first one) is to reconcile. For him, it mans to have both OW and me.
The third choice is just co-parent with no personal talk. And I agree (for first two are impossible, at least not for the time being), but he doesn't want that either...

Huh...

PS:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2scared:
You don't have to get mute in his presence. When he asks you out, smile, say no thank you, and remind him that you will be glad to do that when the A is over and NC established.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I had been not, until I saw no sense in repeating the same sentence 'one million times' and his answer - "here she goes again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> "

But I'll do that again, from time to time... :-)

Belong,

Plan B is VERY had on BS too. The loneliness, fustration, isolation and hurt all comes crashing in. You are rejected for someone else... that's why in Plan B you have to quit focusing on HIM and start focusing on YOU. Take care of you. You need to let him wonder...Don't tell him your plans. It's non of his business...by HIS choice. I know you miss his friendship but enableing him to have his cake and eat it isn't helping. Let him realize what he's missing. Let the panic of losing you set in. He has to think he is losing you! He has to realize he is going to have to make a choice. Let the darkness close in on him.

Go get a life for YOU. I know it's hard on you, but turn to your friends, family and support. Ask them to help you stay busy and not thinking about him. Go dark.

good luck,

I know it's lonely.

2scared

belong,

BTW,

You CAN have your best friend, lover and soulmate back. Trust, patience, hope and faith. He will wake up. He's in the fog now and not makeing sense.

Don't give up

2scared

AC,

I this making sense to you? How are you holding up?

2scared

AC, hope you don't mind talking about 'my case' a bit? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

2scared,

I could say I enjoy my plan B... I have so much less pain when I don't see him or talk to him... doesn't remind me...
I do work on myself, I have a very demanding job, my son, parents, studying, friends (not enough time though), and I do try to regain control over my own life, and love for my son enormously helps me & gives strength to endure any pain on order to get up stronger, for him (my son) and for myself...
Yes, life goes on, either way...
And, I am not afraid of loneliness... I mean all above takes almost all energy I have... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, he wonders... asked me how long I plan Plan Bing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
And how he knows that's only because I am going to build a R with someone else. ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> again).

---

A call, from him... asked if he'll book the table for us tonight.
I said I had other plans.
He asked what I'm going to do?
I said (using his own words) - sorry, but that's a too personal question. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Belong,

Good for you! You right on track...just hang in there. He's wondering.

2scared

Thanks, thanks, thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I got it, you are right, and it makes me feel good talking to you, and I'll read following posts of yours with the same attention, and - thanks a lot for your time spent writing to me!

Now we can go back to A/C. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
(Although I'm sure she can learn too from our short conversation?... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )