My H of almost 10 years is obsessed with the idea that I might have an A. I have not even so much as had an EA and have tried reassuring him through increased affection, telling him I love him, and am baffled at this. Last year, he lost his job and after several months found an even better one. His first W had a PA and he left without giving the M a second thought? My first H cheated on me, but I've never been worried (and still am not) that he might to the same to me? Desparate for advice

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. It is a great place to be.

Sounds to me like your husband didn't work through his hurt over his first marriage.

You might want to print out the emotional needs questionnaire here, and see if you can both be sure you are meeting each others needs.

Ginger, you are doing the right thing by increasing your attentiveness towards him. It sounds like he needs to feel more secure in your relationship. Even though you have not even had an "EA" during the marriage you may be making him feel vulnerable, unappreciated, unattractive, etc. You may not even realize your doing it.

Marriage counseling might be worthwhile to pinpoint the basis for your H's concerns. And to develope a plan to make you both happy as clams.

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Thanks Believer and Tom Joad - I think that I am going to suggest counseling since we have been at a standstill with this for a good year and a half.

ginger, welcome to MB. I agree that some marriage counseling might be in order. I'm sure you're in a tough spot and it's even possible that your husband's suspicions will push you away at some point.

Until you can get to marriage counseling, try this..maybe it will help a little..I dunno.

Ask your husband to close his eyes. Tell him to say, "If my wife were being faithful and I felt safe and secure in my knowledge, we would be doing..." and he can finish the rest.

Like,

-I would feel more safe and secure in my marriage if my wife called me once or twice during the day just to say, "hello"
-I would feel more safe and secure in my marriage if my wife told me about her day when I came home from work.
-I would feel more safe and secure in my marriage if my wife occassionally told me that she did not feel as if there were anyone but me equal to the task of being her marriage partner.

Listen to his answers and see if you can provide any of these reassurances to him. Understand that there DOES need to be a limit. I would suspect that a minute-to-minute diary of your day would be unacceptable to you. But I also suspect there would be a happy medium that you could both agree to.

Again, I do feel that his issues might have nothing to do with you and the counseling is indicated. But maybe this could help in the meantime?

Ginger,

Believer and Maddy are 100% correct. I may have been presumptious when I said you were doing the right thing by being more attentive.

What you were doing was what YOU thought was the right thing. It may not have been what he needed. I know this from experience. I was doing what I thought my WW needed, not recognizing what SHE needed. In addition, she did the same thing. We worked at doing what we thought the other person wanted, but were wasting our time.

Believer had an excellent suggestion of filling out the EN questionaire.

Maddy made an excellent proposal for bettering communication and getting to the meat and potatos of his needs for security.

Ginger, I will tell you that WH is vulnerable now, and his insecurities will push you away as Maddy observed.

Good luck. I'm glad your here instead of in an adult chatroom where my WW ended up.

maddyk,

I appreciate your input - it's certainly something I can give a try to show him that I take his concerns seriously.

Next week I have to go on a short business trip (a rare event for me) and he has already been talking about his thoughts running away with him while I'm gone. My boss (male), myself and a female coworker are all traveling up there together and he is not in the least happy about this. I changed jobs at the beginning of the year and there are more men than women working there. He has met them all, been invited to (and attended) after hours company gatherings (usually with most spouses present)because I wanted him to feel more comfortable around these new people I work with. This anxiety began about 9 mos before I took the job.

Also, He has told me about conversations with his friends re: their WS having an A because of job loss, etc and that has seemed to have had an impact on him and might have triggered his anxiety since he was w/o a job for a while.

I have gotten really frustrated at times, sometimes I have just calmly looked him in the eye and stated that none of the things he is worried about are happening, I have always been a FW and will continue to be.

Ginger don't take this the wrong way,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have just calmly looked him in the eye and stated that none of the things he is worried about are happening </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WW said the same thing to me - During each of her affairs. Those are just words. He obviously needs more than that. And like I said earlier, you may be contributing to this in a manner your not aware of.

But you can find the resolution.

I'm jaded since I've been on the receiving end of that quote above. I trust your here to build a strong marriage, and not be better at deception.