Hi fellow MB'rs.
I have asked WW to move in the next few weeks as I am not able to take much more of WW's non committment to our future. I have been extremely tolerant / nice to her over the last few weeks but am finding that I am becoming very angry inside, especially when she is doing her own thing. Love her, feel sorry for her, want to strangle her(just kidding)... I LB'd her on the weekend and politely told her that I wanted her out and in her own place soon, as well as telling her that she should save her breath making excuses as to where she has been and what she has been doing. Again I politley and calmly explained that I haven't beleived most of anything she tells me for quite some time. As I explained(and she agreed), she has made no effort to try rebuild the trust between us, so it's a bit unfair for her expect it to be there given the number of times I have caught her lying about most things.

Q) I am now findng that I am starting to resent her being out with her new friends and feel the anger / hate building in me every time she heads off, particularly the nights. Can I assume this is the anger phase, would that be correct and how do I best deal with it?
Q) Follwing on from that, I find that I am constantly (yet subtly) letting her know that we are heading down the separation path given the lack of effort / work being put into our M. Am I better off keeping my mouth closed given I have made this decision, or is this sensible to remind her of it?
Q) My family and friends who have been very tolerant of the situation thus far have started to turn against WW and are no longer interested in seeing us resolve this. They are starting to make it known that they do not want to associate with WW, and have told me that I am better off without her. As hard as this is, I have to agree and have come to this conclusion "on my own". We are definitely going to separate (effectively PLAN B), that much I have decided but beyond that who knows. WW is happy to live in limbo indefinitely but I am not, she of course gets the best of both worlds this way.
Q) I have started to go out with some of my friends when WW makes her own plans, but I find that she is asking me where are you going, who are you with, etc. My respctive replies to the above questions are "out with feinds" and "none of your business who they are"? Is this appropriate?
Q) I feel that she is just using me know. Always asks me to do things for her, but NEVER, NEVER recipricates. Am I better off just flatly refusing her, just doing it as is normally the case, or do I emply the same passive / aggressive behaviour as WW and say no problem but never get around to doing it?
Apologies for the rant, but I had to get it off my chest / ask the questions?

My first posting - Caught her at the start I think?

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 02:20 AM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Continue to Plan A until you go into Plan B.

And it is time for Plan B, given what you just posted.

If you begin to show your anger now, with LB's, etc, you wipe out some of your hard work. While you are in Plan B you work through your anger, on your own. It is your problem not your WW's, because you have chosen to remain with her through all of this, when you could have walked away.

Now, I would not be able to Plan A for more than two weeks, this I know. It is the one concept here I have trouble with , although I understand the theory.

Go to Plan B, before your anger and resentment turn into apathy (for lack of the correct word which is the opposite of love) or worse before you act out on your anger.

You have a right to be angry, anyone would be, but the goal is to save your marriage, and yourself. Plan B - dark, dark, dark and away from her shananigens and inconsideration.

Weaver

I'm no expert but here goes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I tried to look up your story bout couldn't find it. Found one post and it looks like you are on the good path of taking care of yourself. That is so important not only to your well being but to the process of winning WW back as well. It will totally freak her out if you all of a sudden start thriving without her. I have taken up all domestic duties, started learning how to cook, started exercising all the time, and build a fortress of support through friends and family.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Q) I am now findng that I am starting to resent her being out with her new friends and feel the anger / hate building in me every time she heads off, particularly the nights. Can I assume this is the anger phase, would that be correct and how do I best deal with it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let her do her own thing. You cannot stop her without LBing. Think about it. She will only feel vindicated if you try to stop her and you will look pathetic if you sit around moping. If you know when she regularly goes out make sure you are going out at that same time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Q) Follwing on from that, I find that I am constantly (yet subtly) letting her know that we are heading down the separation path given the lack of effort / work being put into our M. Am I better off keeping my mouth closed given I have made this decision, or is this sensible to remind her of it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I don't fully know your story so it is hard to answer. I would guess that she probably sees your "letting her know" as an attempt to control her. You cannot control her. Ask yourself if reminding her is more for you or her. If you are trying to guilt her into working on your M it probably won't work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Q) My family and friends who have been very tolerant of the situation thus far have started to turn against WW and are no longer interested in seeing us resolve this. They are starting to make it known that they do not want to associate with WW, and have told me that I am better off without her. As hard as this is, I have to agree and have come to this conclusion "on my own". We are definitely going to separate (effectively PLAN B), that much I have decided but beyond that who knows. WW is happy to live in limbo indefinitely but I am not, she of course gets the best of both worlds this way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My father has turned on WW even though I have told him nothing of her A. I decided early on to minimize the damage and only tell a select few about the A. This is totally normal they are angry because she is hurting you. But what is important here is do you to save your M. I told my father what I wanted and he supports me by keeping his mouth shut when he has too. He wants what I want. It's your life man. On separation (don't know all the details) just because you separate doesn't mean you have to go to plan B. My WW left 2 days after D-day and moved out most of her stuff 3 days ago. I have been Plan Aing her hard and it is working wonders. My story However, it sounds like you might have a fence rider.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Q) I have started to go out with some of my friends when WW makes her own plans, but I find that she is asking me where are you going, who are you with, etc. My respctive replies to the above questions are "out with feinds" and "none of your business who they are"? Is this appropriate? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not totally sure about this one but you should probably look at the MB principals for the answer. Have you read many of the books offered here. SSA, HNHN, and Fall in Love Stay in Love? My gut instinct is that you are LBing when you refuse to tell her where you are going and with who. Never mind that it is not fair. BS (if you are a BS) never get treated fairly. You must give unconditionally. Look at ARK^^'s post on how to do Plan A. It was the greatest inspiration to me! I could not find the link but maybe someone else will post it for you. Give and do not expect anything back from WW. It will force her to think and that is good for helping her to start evaluate her choices. When you LB you only justify her choices no matter how wrong they are.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Q) I feel that she is just using me know. Always asks me to do things for her, but NEVER, NEVER recipricates. Am I better off just flatly refusing her, just doing it as is normally the case, or do I emply the same passive / aggressive behaviour as WW and say no problem but never get around to doing it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are in plan A my friend this is exactly the behavior you should expect. What kinds of things does she ask you to do? If they are things that might be satisfying her EN then you need to jump at the chance. If they are things that are violating your boundaries (Helping her to enable the A etc.. don't know your boundaries) then you should respectfully inform her of your boundaries and tell her how her behavior is making you feel. Not that she will listen much but it will be your highly valid reason for not complying with her request. As for doing things the same way she does them that tit for tat approach will get your M nowhere.

How long have you been in Plan A? The average is 6 mo. but of course this is only determined by how much you can take before your love starts to run out. How much of a fighter are you how much can you take? I can be stupid stubborn but everyone has their breaking point. Since my WW moved out I think it has probably been a lot easier even though it killed me at first. If she is still involved in an A then separation could be for the better but take that one with a grain of salt I am not an expert. In my situation not seeing WW has basically allowed me to make a lot less mistakes. By the time I finally got to see her again I had most all my ducks in a row.

Please post your stats and maybe a link to your story. Good luck and I hope some of this helps.

C.

A short comment ( from Bob ? Surely noT !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I was blessed to find THSI site and Arks post inside a week of d-day. I instigated a plan A almost immediately. I was bit patheitic to begin with, and it really didn'tkick in until I exposed to OM GF BUT Plan A plus exposure has:

* Made ME stronger and confident to face my M rebuild and/or the rest of my life
* Possibly helped stop the affair
* Made WW drop from the most SPITEFUL fog after only eight or so weeks ( for a while at least)
* Given me a seamless template for behaviour from Ending the A to supporting WW during withdrawal
* Given me huge hope that the rest of my Ws afaoir will confirm to MB predictions as Plan A has so far.
* Given me a 'mechanical' positive behaviour to conform to when everything turns brown from time to time(" If you don;t know what to do ,do SOMETHING USEFUL! ")

Right now the A is dead, WW is withdrawing and It doesn't look like I'll be kicking off plan B in November or December as I was expecting. In truth, planA appears to have worked pretty darn well in my case so far.

There hasn't been an HOUR in any DAY that I haven't shared your anger. Gym work and prayer walks with my dog help me suck it up.

I won't advise you, well intentioned bad advice from folks like me dilutes the great stuff from the wise heads on here. Just know that if the affaoir was still alive at end Sept I would have gone to plan B.

Guys, some links to my previous postings as requested.
In Short a summary of my woes.
I am the BS, around 3.5 months of plan A'ing, wife says EA / PA finished but contact still occuring, lies about almost everything, wants to sit on the fence an have the best of both worlds, , all about her at present. I have runnnnnn out of patience... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

First Posting Below - Caught her at the start I think?

Other Postings - (from oldest to Newest)

Not sure if I want to implement Plan A?

Sick of EA - Want to ask WW to leave Need Advice on how
WS chose EA and OP over me.. Ouch
Am I unknowingly a verbal abuser?

Advice on Planning "Plan B together

Separation - what feelings will I encounter

Hope this is useful

Weaver / shmaley thanks for the feedback. I guess I need to work harder as yes, she did complain early in the piece that she felt controlled.. Maybe that's because WS doesn't actually make a decision / follow up with action so I have to... Sorry about that, that was a little LB / vent.. Luckily it's permissable on the site but not at home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Shmaley - Thank you for the link.
Bob - Thank you for the perspective/advice. Sorry if I sound bit like a broken record but I feel better getting my feelings off my chest...
I am so up and down of late. At times certain that I want to end it, then unsure if I am making a mistake. I am right on the fence at the moment but definitely leaning towards a separation / plan B. WW has yet to make any real effort to restore trust or work on M. Spends time with her new friends whenever possible but avoids talking about our marriage issues. still gaurds the mobile phone with her life, but expects me to beleive that nothing is going on. As much as I didn't want it, I think that moving into plan B is going to be the only option given my confusion , growing rentment and anger as well as her lack of committment to the M. Phew, that felt better. I think I will go find a copy of the PLAN B link and re-read before I implement it.

Hi RM, I hope you are doing okay. I read your posting and I can relate. During Plan A, I think I repressed alot of my anger and resentment. I went to Plan B because I was confronting WH more about contact with OW. I knew all about his lies and would often bait him to watch him lie to my face.

The thing about anger is that sometimes it increases when you express it. Anger begats anger. The basis of anger is hurt....but that is as far as my understanding has gotten so far. I am trying to work through my feelings by expressing my hurt via posting, journaling and in IC. The energy from the anger gets let out in my workout classes.

So as to not sound too saintly, I have had my moments. Early on in Plan A, I was so pi$$ed at WH, I cut a hole in one of his shirts. He wore it for months in public--the hole was on the back shoulder about the size of a quarter. Then he wore it when he went to meet OW, she must have noticed because he said came home and said he had to throw the shirt away because it had a hole. Oh really, I said? He looked all disgusted and embarassed. LOL. Childish. I know. Didn't accomplish anything, I know. Does not abide by MB rules, I know. But it was just too fun and it did release some anger. Okay, so I'm not above all of my instincts.

Plan B may be a good move to consider before you LB big time and lose the love you want to preserve. You have a good plan for when you are in Plan B and when you are ready you will make your move. I understand the concern and fear...I had it too.

WH went overseas and I could not contact him if I wanted to. We use to argue about how often he should call. I use to beg him to call at least every three days. On this trip, he left a message almost every day. Last night, he called easily eight times in three hours, but I did not pick up. He called this morning about three times in fifteen minutes and I finally picked up because the phone was freaking me out. Of course, he acted as if nothing has happened, but I expressed hope for our M and asked if he would follow the requests in the letter...he said "oh, that." I asked about ending it with OW and he said that has "already happened." Is he willing to prove it? He wants to come home, but I don't think he is quite ready yet and I am not quite ready to let him back into my life yet....I need to feel safe...just like you need to feel safe.

Do you have a time limit that you think might work for you? I use to pick dates and do count downs..five days left, four days left. Had to adjust my timeline twice.

Anyway, stay strong, keep your sights set on the big picture and think about a Plan B timeline.

God bless you and give you peace, SS.

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>