OK here goes

H the kids and I went to church today. It was a beautiful service and I really learned alot. Now after service we went to Red Lobster and I will say we had a really nice time. We also had a nice time yesterday at the show. It's been a while since we had family time like this and it really felt good.

Here's my biggest problem. I want to ml with H sooooooooooooooooooooooo much. Let me start from the beginning.
After we arrived home from RedLobster we went upstairs to put on something more comfortable. HE STARTED KISSING ME!!! I'm not going to lie I love to kiss my h very much. Thru all the hugging, messaging, kissing and cuddling as excited as I was I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to ml to him.

He had such a dissapointed look on his face but I couldn't help it.As much as I wanted to be with him I couldn't because I went completely cold.

We ml once last week and it was very beautiful, but this time I don't know.
I agreed to give us another try when all I wanted was out in the beginning. I had soo many emotions going on inside my head that all I could do was call on God to guide me. I would see a woman and man kissing and out of nowhere an image of the ow and h would appear and it turned me sour.

Again I love him and I'm trying not to bring up the past because he wants to start anew and make our marriage work. He is trying to rectify alll the mistakes he made in the beginning. I appreciate that in him. He always tell me he loves me and that he will make me happy. He always say how this was an eye opener to how much he lacked in fatherhood and as a spouse. He says he will spend the rest of his life proving how beautiful our marriage was meant to be.

I believe him and I see a huge change in him, but what bothers me is me. I don't want to become cold hearted and turn him away even though I love him. Is this normal?

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: myheartwillsurvive36 ]</small>

what is an "ml?"

Yes, it is very normal. Not to worry. Expect to run hot and cold pretty much willy nilly for a time. I have even been triggerred mid love making and run out of the room. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> This too shall pass..but not immediately and not probably completely..it just happens less..and the feelings are less intense...not unlike any other traumatic event.

--Noodle

ahh, I get it. Do you mean sex?

If you do, then I will just say that most BSes do "see" the OP and spouse in their head for some time. Time does heal that.

However, you can't let that stop you, you still have to meet your H's needs. Now is not a good time to ignore or put aside his needs. Sex is an integral part of recovery and intimacy and he needs to know, now more than ever, that you are willing to meet his needs.

After I wrote the original post, I went upstairs to talk to H. I told him all about my feelings.
I even told him about my ex boyfriend I ran into last week in Target.

Many feelings came rushing back when I saw this man but then when I ponder about it even more, I believe it was during my vulnerable stage that I actually thought these feelings were there. H sat up in the bed and pulled me into his arms asking me to please not leave him for ex boyfriend. He kept telling me over and over how much he loves me and want our marriage to work. I told him even if he and I divorced, ex boyfriend will never everrrrr come into my life again.

I told him I love him and even though I still get angry thinking about what he did my heart belongs to him.
As far as sex, well I understand what you all are saying but I feel as if I'm giving in to easily.

I AM SOOO CONFUSED

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by myheartwillsurvive36:
<strong>
As far as sex, well I understand what you all are saying but I feel as if I'm giving in to easily.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean "giving into him?" So, if he meets your needs, he is "giving into you?" Why in the world would you view meeting his needs as "giving into him?" Is sex like a bargaining chip that you sell in exchange for something?

I am curious, how was your sex life before the affair? Was the affair a result of some marital problems? Were his needs being met in your marriage before the affair? What need did the OW meet that wasn't getting met at home?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by myheartwillsurvive36:
<strong>
As far as sex, well I understand what you all are saying but I feel as if I'm giving in to easily.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean "giving into him?" So, if he meets your needs, he is "giving into you?" Why in the world would you view meeting his needs as "giving into him?" Is sex like a bargaining chip that you sell in exchange for something?

I am curious, how was your sex life before the affair? Was the affair a result of some marital problems? Were his needs being met in your marriage before the affair? What need did the OW meet that wasn't getting met at home? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Melody your way off base. NO where did I say I use sex as a bargaining chip.

When I said not give into him or make it easy for him what I meant was that my feelings are still hurt and I don't want him to think sex is going to make what happend better because it won't. I hate like hell he did this to us. I use to enjoy our sex life but again I see them together. It's as if he took my heart out and stomped on it. How can a person say they love you sooo much and hurt you so deeply.

I'm trying to do the right thing. I want to make it work but I'm only human and I still feel betrayed no matter how he apologize. I don't want him to get the impression that just because we make love everything is a-ok because it's not.
To me it's not about sex anymore it's about my feelings and my wants.
Maybe I'm wrong for thinking it's about me, but he didn't give a damn about me when he got with her. I feel why should I try to make him feel better when I didn't do anything wrong.

I know some of you are going to think I'm wrong but I can't help the way I feel about his betrayal. He did this not me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dear Myheartwillsurvive36,

My D-Day was 11/15/2003, a Saturday I will never forget. My world turned upside down and the sky has been black ever since. I am beginning to see a glimmer of sunshine on the horizon but NOTHING will ever be the same innocent trusting happy place I used to live in.

At first I wanted to "mark my territory" by having sex with my H EVERY night. But then a few months later, I turned to stone. No feelings whatsoever when we ML. Slowly slowly slowly my feelings are returning. My feelings of love have always been there, but when we're having sex, NO FEELINGS. Except feelings of sadness...in fact, I cry EVERY time we have sex.

I too think I see a huge change in my H's attitude and his behaviors, he tells me he loves me and that this A was an eye-opener for him, that he didn't realize how much I meant to him, and he wants our M to be better than ever. But I think to myself, I didn't know he was "taking me for granted", he acted like everything was the same and that he loved me, all those years and years of giving HER money and thinking thoughts of HER, on vacations, at night when he was home, and those days he would plan days and days ahead of time for "dates" with HER.

I don't want to become a "memorial" to this A and the bad memories. I'm hoping in time that all of this will fade.

Brenda