I am new here and I have an issue. I have been married for 10 years with 2 children. I have been having thoughts about being with another man. I have had a crush on this man for about 2 years. He is a friend of my husbands and his wife is a friend of mine(so it this makes in worse). He has always been friendly with me and shown interest. Although I don't know if this is just his personality because he is like this with other woman as well. He is married with children as well. Problem is this. I can't stop thinking of him and wanting to be with him. I do not want to do anything to ruin my marriage - how do I get this other man out of my head.

First of all, ask yourself what would happen if you two got caught? Two marraiges ruined, friendship ruined, kids suffer. Are you willing to risk that?

Welcome to the board...

I hope that you do not back peddle with regard to the seriousness of the situation....especially since my advice is pretty much gonna blow this thing out of the water..right into the sunlight..where it will wither and die. Which is what you want, right?

I think you need to fully disclose to your H...that you have an inappropriate infatuation with this man..that he is showing interest..and that you feel at risk for an affair. Then break all ties to this couple. Never see or speak to this man again. Work on your marriage...find out what is causing you to get your signals crossed...if you have read this site..you have several books at your disposal that can help with this.

Good luck..and be bold...you have the opportunity to nip this in the bud..there are a number of former wayward spouses here who would give a pound of flesh to have this opportunity..hopefully some of them will chime in and give you more insight.

--Noodle

Hi dido,

I think that every time he pops into your mind you should come here and read the pain and utter devastation of the people here who are trying to recover from affairs. The pain just on this board alone should be enough to blow him right out of your head.

Weaver

I tell myself everyday that I love my children too much to ever put them through anything because of me. It is not worth it to me. But, on the other hand. I just can't tell my husband - it would just hurt him that I even had these thoughts. I can't get away from our friends either - we see them all the time. They live by us, our kids go to school together and play together all of the time. Is there any other way?

My opinion..is that no, there isn't another way.

The deeper your infatuation gets..the less concern you will have for those you harm. Yes exposure to your H would hurt him..but it would hurt him less than an affair..and you are headed staight for one at present. It is my opinion that this calls for an extreme measure...if you aren't willing to take an extreme measure then I suspect you are not being honest with yourself about how perilous a situation you are in. If there are things you just couldn't do...like expose and cease contact..then you have your answer already about how serious you are about preventing this. I wish I had cheerier news...but your response is exactly what I suspected it would be. If this mans wife knew that her husband was showing an interest in you..and that you were infatuated with him as well..she would have no trouble pulling the plug on the friendship with you. I think you are less concerned about hurting people than you are about being humiliated...because this would be very humiliating..but also very noble and responsible.

I hope that you reconsider.

--Noodle

Dido wake up! I am about to lose my wife, kids, house and everything I've ever worked for for the last 13 years. Let alone the embarrassment and anger I've caused to everyone who knows us. My wife is devestated. Totally crushed. Heartbroken. Even if you didn't get caught, think about the guilt you would have for the rest of your life. And if you did have a one night stand with him, I gaurantee it would lead to more. How would you feel if you found out if his wife was sleeping with your husband? And do you really love your husband?

Welcome to MB!!

Noodle is 100% right. Do your Marriage, your children, and your family a huge favor and take the opportunity you have now! Run from this man and never look back. There is NOTHING but pain in store there for you. DO NOT under any circumstance tell this man how you feel about him. This would invite total Marital devastation.

Order "Surviving an Affair" and read it cover to cover and see what happens when you tell and when you don't tell. SAA has your exact example with the genders reversed. If you value all the things I mentioned please consider the advice of this board.

Other books that will be useful to your marriage are "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Fall in Love, Stay in Love". If you cannot afford these books then read the material on this site starting with the affairs section. And remember the advice Noodle has given. There is more pain and sadness on this board than you can imagine.

C.

dido, I suppose what you're feeling for this man is not that unusual. Perhaps even your H is secretly interested in your friends W. I can tell you from experience that we also had very close friends that we spent lots of time with. W finally got to the point of making a pass at OM. She kissed him and told him she loved him. That was 3 1/2 years ago. I haven't spoken to him since and my marriage still is not recovered. There is a saying "to speak of bulls is not same as being in the bull ring". Nobody could explain this pain to you anymore than you could understand the pain of losing a child if it hadn't happened to you. But the closest you can come to understanding what you are in for is by reading this board. If you believe in psychics you can save yourself some money and just look into all the crystal balls on this board. After reading about 50 stories or so, you'll have a very hard time convincing yourself that you're ending will be different. Oh, and if you're wondering how I found out about my W kissing the OM; the guilt was overwhelming and she confessed. You have no idea what a dangerous game you are playing. Regret doesn't begin to capture what you'll feel.

Try to put the time you are spending with this man in your head to rediscover you and your husband.

Let you husband know what you are feeling. Let him know it scares you. Give him some space.

Then work on some of the questionaires here on MB. Start with the emotional needs questionaire. You are vulnerable because your husband is misdirecting his attention. If you give him a chance I believe he will work to make the marriage better than it is, better than it ever was.

If you don't share this with your husband he won't know anything is wrong. Don't beat around the bush be direct and honest. He may be thinking similar things.

I'm am so glad you are here. Go to it and build the marriage you and your husband always wanted.

I know I have let my infactuation go too far already - because the thought of not seeing him anymore is very painful. I am just worried that I have blown things out of proportion and that there really is nothing going on on the other end. Then, we would lose good friends and my husband would be upset all because I read too much into stuff.

Dido,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am just worried that I have blown things out of proportion and that there really is nothing going on on the other end. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even if there is something going on at the other end you have to address it. And not by pursuing an affair. This gentleman, (and I use the term loosely) probably likes the idea of other women desiring him. Heck I like that idea. But he is married and should not be trying to create those feelings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then, we would lose good friends and my husband would be upset all because I read too much into stuff.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope that isn't all your worried about. I'm worried about you. You are playing with fire. If this is your biggest concern you need to reprioritize your life. Whatever your reading needs to be shared with your husband. Work on addressing the marriage. You made a committment to forsake all others when you married.

I understand your wondering, but do the right thing and fix this issue now. NOW. Read Surviving an Affair and HNHN as soon as possible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dido2004:
I know I have let my infactuation go too far already - because the thought of not seeing him anymore is very painful. I am just worried that I have blown things out of proportion and that there really is nothing going on on the other end. Then, we would lose good friends and my husband would be upset all because I read too much into stuff.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you had to chose between losing your good friends and losing your marriage and family, which would you chose?

Dido.....

You posted...... But, on the other hand. I just can't tell my husband - it would just hurt him that I even had these thoughts.

From a Betrayed Spouse perspective, if my wife would have told me this before her affair, I'm sure I would have been hurt. But that hurt would have been quickly overshawdowed by the overwhelming proof that my wife loves me so much that she told me her true feelings.

You have received some of the best advice I've seen. Read some of the BS's (betrayed spouses) stories, the WS's (wayward spouses), the FWS's (former wayward spouses) stories and I think you'll quickly see what is in your future and your families future if you do not TAKE POSITIVE ACTION NOW to stop this.

Get a copy of Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs as suggested by shmaley. Those books are "eye openers".

I too am glad you found this board. I hope you re-read these responses and believe me, you've gotten responses from some of the most experienced........LS

Dido, if my WW had come to me and told me she was infatuted with OM and was coming clean so we could prevent an affair together I would've been angry, sad, betrayed, but in time I would've appreciated the timing and bravery.

As it is she had a physical affair and I came * this* close to being utterly crushed by it. You cannot possibly know the devastation you will wreak upon your H is you go to a deep EA or (worse IMO) and PA and he finds out then.

You have ALREADY done wrong. Put it right NOW while it is doable.

Dido, Can I come at this from another angle? You have been gifted with healthy children and a loving husband. Do you know how many women crave for what you have? What if one of your children had been born mentally or physcially retarded or with a disease like cystic fibrosis and every day of your life you had to watch them suffer? What if tomorrow you found a lump in your breast that turned out to be invasive breast cancer and you had to have a mastectomy? What if tonight your husband has a car accident and is left a quadriplegic for the rest of his life, like poor, poor Christopher Reeves. What a beautiful spirit that man has.

These horrors face people every day in your city and mine. Go into your local hospital and visit the cancer ward where children lay with poison (chemotherapy) dripping into their failing bodies.

Think about how blessed you have been thus far, passed over, for these terrible miseries. They could strike you at any time. Why should you be exempt?

If you willfully pursue hurtful actions that will destroy other peoples lives, what karma do you think you are courting? A friend of ours started seeing other women behind his wifes back. They were a good catholic family. After that, one of his two beautiful sons was killed in a car accident and his wife got breast cancer. Who do you think he blames for these things happeneing to him?

Why don't you get down on your hands and knees and thank God for what you have instead of pursuing this weak, cowardly and cruel course? What sort of role model are you being for your children? They have yet to face life's difficulties - help them grow up happy and healthy and leave other people alone to do the same.

Noodle is probably the smartest person on this board. You are very lucky that she wrote to you. Follow what she says and look forward to loving yourself for the rest of your life. Follow your trecherous heart and you will hate yourself always. No, you with loath yourself and others will loath you too.

AN

Dido2004,

Welcome to MB, sorry you find it necessary to be here though. I’m glad you’ve found this place before things could progress any further and while you still have a chance to nip this in the butt before it went too far. The fact that you post on this Marriage Building website and asking for advice shows that you care about your M and want to do the right things. I had an inappropriate friendship with a married man and I also struggled with infatuation and inappropriate thoughts feelings towards him. Let me tell you, the only way I could get pass those inappropriate thoughts and feelings was to STOP the friendship and have NO CONTACT with him. Even if this man is just friendly and don’t have the same inappropriate thoughts and feelings than you, the contact still needs to stop because this is about you, your husband and your marriage. Let’s assume this man in not interested in you and you and your husband continues the friendship with this couple…then this man will continue to talk to you and be friendly to you and your feelings for him will just go stronger and stronger… The feelings won’t just go away if the friendship and contact continues so where will it all end?

Dido, please read this whole page. It’s a page on Dr Harley’s question and answer column and very applicable on you. The woman (R.J.) in this example was in a similar situation than you and the advice Dr Harley gave to her is very similar to the excellent advice you already received from Noodle.

Please go and do the right thing. Protect yourself and your marriage… These inappropriate thoughts and feelings for this man have the potential to ruin your whole life and marriage… You can do something about it NOW! I was lucky enough to stop my EA before it became too intense & serious and before it caused too much damage, but you have the chance to stop this before it can even progress that far... We can't always control our feelings and emotional reactions towards people, but we can control our actions and do the right things to protect ourselves and our marriages... Don’t make the same mistakes I did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck,
Suzet

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 06:27 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Dido,
Congratulations!!! You have recognized disaster before it has happened. I'm so so incredibly happy for you. You have no idea, how lucky you are. You now need to take what you learn from this site and apply it. Save your M, save yourself.

I am a FWW, I can now only think of it as "what if" "if only" "I wish", but you my dear, are much wiser than I, you can change your outcome.

Instead of completely breaking, the man you love, like I, you don't have to. Instead of ruining and incredible friendship, as I, you don't have to. Instead of compromising your inner self, your core values, your moral standards, like I, you don't have to.

Choose the right path. I'm on a road to recover, but I will tell you, it is not easy. Looking into the eyes of the man I promised myself to for the rest of my life, and seeing the pain I alone caused him, makes me want to crawl in a hole.

The guilt can almost kill a person.

The fact that I no longer have my great friendship, saddens me everyday. She will never think nice of me, because of all the pain I caused her. I betrayed her in such away, that our friendship will never be, can never be, because NC is in place for the rest of our lives. All the fun we had, completely tarnished by my very selfish A.

I had to leave my church, a place I loved, but truthfully I could never face those people again anyways. I'm shamed for life, by my mistake.

You can not fully understand the pain one can cause themselves, the incredible heartbreak you can feel, because of all the pain you have to witness from having an A. It is overwhelming, it will choke you.

The pain of hurting yourself because of who you became, the rotten person, who betrayed so many, is too much pain for anybody.

Tell your H. If I could turn back time, I would tell my H, of the feelings I was having.

I would give up my friendship with the OM & his W. I would walk away with my pride, my dignity, and my self respect. My H, would be whole, and he would be aware our M needs work. I would not be lost in pain, I would not see his pain.

If only, I would have told my H........

KY

KY, that was well written/spoken. I'm not sure Dido recognizes the tradgedy that may await. I get the feeling she is still trying to figure out if OM has the same feelings for her, and should she threaten the friendship by making a pass at him.

I wish my WW would have told me. But she also thinks using a webcam for cybersex is OK. She told me last night that she didn't do anything against the law.

Back then, if she would have told me, I would have done almost anything to fix the marriage. Now..... Blah!

KY, if my FWH could articulate his feelings half as well as you do, I think I would find it easier to forgive him. Whenever a FWS speaks as you have spoken just now, I feel such compassion for them. Normally I find it really hard to understand how WSs do what they have done. Thank you so much for speaking up. I sure hope dido reads the writing on the wall. Why do people always have to learn the hard way? The awful thing about betrayal is that so many people are irrepairably damaged by it - and the innocent are damaged the most. The other weird thing is that once the deed is done and the BS finds out, as they invariably do, the WS suddenly realises how much they love their betrayed spouse after all. And by then it's too late.

Anyway, keep posting those feelings coz I am sure your words comfort a lot of BSs like me.