Hello everybody, I'm new here so please excuse any mistakes I may make.

Here is my problem:
I was recently caught (about 10 days ago) in an affair with another woman. My wife found out while I was away with friends for the weekend and when I returned home I found the locks on my home changed and my belongings packed in the garage for me. I am very remorseful about what I did and accept all of the blame. After days of pleading with my wife for another chance at our marriage she has agreed and we have entered counceling with Mr. Harly. I have also entered into therapy with a local therapist (solo). However my wife has made it clear she is not ready for me to come home. This was a brief affair, I have cut all ties to the other woman, including changing my email address (changing and burning the password to my old account)Changing my cell phone number and changing and burning the password to the chat room in which I met this woman. We have both gone out of our way to hide this separation from our young children (3 & 7), I go directly from work to our home to see them everyday and stay to tuck them into bed. I am there as if nothing has happened in their eyes. My wife and I are getting along better than we ever did, we have cried together, laughed together, dated, and we have both expressed our extreme desire work this out and save/improve our marriage. We have danced a couple of times while the children slept and wept in eachothers arms. Hugging and "I love you" is more common than it ever was. But at the end of the night I return to the temporary place I am staying. I have kissed her a few times but felt as if she was uncomfortable about it. I suppose I am lucky I have not lost her for good but I want nothing more from life then to hold her while she sleeps, to be her husband again. I lay in bed and cry for her, I feel as though I can't take much for of my separation from her. Although we live in a safe neighborhood I worry abbout her safety constantly. I'm so lost without her. My hope is that she just needs time. or am I being nieve and what she really wants is only a father for her children? Has anyone been through this? Please help, I'm getting discouraged.

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 11:06 AM: Message edited by: SleeplessInSF ]</small>

Welcome to MB.

It could be worse. Read a while and you will see what I am talking about. You seem to be doing the right things in the way of No Contact and setting up MC with Dr. Harley is excellent. Do everything he tells you to and you will stand the best chance of recovery. For right now it will just take time. You and your BS are in a bad place and only time will heal your wounds. If you want to do something proactive get the book His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. You can buy it on this site. If you can't afford it then read the basic concepts on this site. Read everything on this site that you can click on. Post here as well when you get the chance.

C.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Your situation seems very promising. Counseling with the Harley's will really help you.

Your wife is in extreme pain and it will take time for her to work through it. Please show her with your actions that you can be trusted again.

Also try to figure out why this happened, so it does not happen again.

wow, didnt expect anybody to be up at this time in the morning to reply so quickly, this place is great. I am reading as much as I can on this site and so is my wife, We are immersing ourselves in the information from this website and plan to attend the MB weekend in LA in 2 months. I certainly can afford to buy the book you suggested, I want to have 2 copies tomorrow, can it be found at my local bookstore?

Any suggestions on how I can restore my wifes trust in me? At this point if I MUST leave her I always let her know where I am and account for all of my time. However very little of my time is spent away from her, we even work together. I did everything Mr Harley asked me the same day he requested it. I can't wait for my next phone convo with him, I am so looking forward to progress.

SleeplessInSF, restoration of trust will take much time & patience, but from your posts it seems if you’re doing all the right things to recover your M and restore your W’s trust. Good for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your willingness and eagerness to make amends in your M is visible through your posts and this alone will go miles towards the recovery of your M and to win the trust of your W back. You’re on the right path. Learn as must as you can; communicate with your W and be honest and open with her about your feelings of shame, guilt, remorse etc. Let your W know exactly how remorseful & repentant you are and continue to show it through your actions.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 04:37 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi Sleepless,

You have been given excellent advice by the previous three responses.

I would like to just add, good for your wife - she is demanding your respect so give it to her, along with all the time she needs.

I am really impressed with your wife - I love strong women, she is my new role model.

Weaver

You can get the book at the bookstore or on this site. You can also print out the emotional needs questionnaire. If you go to Home on this site, it explains all of the emotional needs.

Start meeting each others' needs, and be sure to spend 15 hours a week with each other doing nice things.

Also answer your wife's questions honestly. And try to figure out why this happened. See if your wife will post here, she could use the support.

Thank you all for your advice and support. Just heard from Dr Harleys office, I have another appt wed a.m. In the meantime I will get the books and continue to show my wife how much she means to me. If its ok I will continue to post here, it seems to help me.

Yes, please do continue to post here.

Recovery is hard and you will need all the support you can get, so will your wife.

Bless you both!


Weaver

Hello Sleepless,

I would also like to say wlecome to MB.Post as much as you like here,your wife should too.In my opinion,this is the best place for information and a plan on recovering your marriage after Infidelity.

You both sound committed to that so that is the first and best step.I just wanted to add that the adultery was only discovered 10 days ago.You have a long road to travel together so be patient.Trust,and much more,will all need to be rebuilt and in time,your wife will slowly begin to come around but you have to always be sincere and take time.Be prepared for rough days ahead too.You may feel some difficult set backs but always keep the goal in mind: to restore and make better than ever your marriage and family,for yourselves and your beautiful children.

Good Luck!

O

Let me throw another wrench in the works and get some advice from you kind people. Yesterday we found out our neighbors are separating. The neighbors wife and my wife are good friends. Her husband has asked her to leave the house and the children (esentially kicking her out). The wife is calling my wife crying and venting. My thought is that we can't afford this in our relationship at this time, we need to make OUR marriage a priority. I explained this to my wife this morning and she is reluctant to leave her friend out to dry (I do understand her position) Any advice on how I should handle this?

R

I wouldn't want to seem too selfish right now given your position. Everything probably seems like it is going a million miles and hour and in slow mo all at the same time. Orchid said it best with "your Heart and mind are not in sync right now." Believe me though you are not going to swoope in and made any dramatic changes in the time it takes your wife to comfort a neighbor. The biggest part of the work you need to do is on you. Your M needs work but that will be the end result of a joint effort of thoughtfulness and understanding.

Do not do anything rash or commit any Love Busters (Angry outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, Demands, Annoying behavior, or Dishonesty. If you were to decide to disagree with your wife to the point of making a demand I am guessing you would cause a serious problem out of what could be an opportunity to show some compassion. Make every challenge into an opportunity and follow ALL OF THE CONCEPTS. I would suggest that until you read at least all the basic concepts that your time is too precious to even post here. As Bob Pure said "Knowledge is power."

I was obsessive just like you and only a few weeks ago. Well, I am still a little obsessive (the 2:40am post doesn't lie)but it will get better.

C.

Ouch! it seems we are having a back slide. After days of doing so well - In an attempt to say "I love you" I had flowers delivered to my wife today. She let me know she did'nt want gifts now and that I needed to stop. This roller coaster of emotion on her part is so difficult to keep up with. Now I believe I have angered her unintentionally, she see's the flowers as more than I love you - I believe she see's them like I think that they will make everything OK. Nothing could be further from the truth, I'm smarter than that. I'm trying to show her how much she means to me, that's all. Anybody been here?

You are trying too hard. Sounds like she is feeling smothered. Back off and work on yourself.

Nothing more to say than that....

C.

got our books last night, read together till midnight before i returned to my temporary (i hope) home. appt with Dr Harley tomorrow, she has one on thursday. pushing forward....

Good going on the books,that's positive and I agree with the gifts.Hold off on those for a while but continue to show your W you are committed by keeping with counseling,no contact with the OW,doing stuff around the house without being asked,less personal stuff and more helping hand stuff until she has some time to settle into the new plan.

Like I mentioned before,it will be difficult at times because she will have waves of emotion changing each day.One moment she may feel fine and then the next she may crying because she has a trigger of something that reminds her of the A.Just be patient and aware that this is to be *expected but part of the recovery process.

As for the family friend going through rough times,I think I would let that be up to your W.I know you may want her to focus solely on your marriage but it may help her to also help another in need.That's just my opinion though.

Good luck

O

Sleepless - I saw someone signing up as Sleeplesstoo. I assume that was your wife. Please ask if she will join us here. She desperately needs the support.

Octobergirl,
Thank you for the advise, I had already come to most of those conclusions myself, however I was happy to see someone back my decisions, made me feel I may be doing things right even though I slip up from time to time (ie the flowers, I really thought she was ready for them). I have also backed off the helping out family friend thing. I am doing everything I can for her - cooking, cleaning, dishes,caring for the kids etc. all without her asking.

Tonight is the first night since she decided to try to save our marriage that I have not been at our home to care for her and the kids (then leavinf fo my temp home at bed time). After a good weekend spent with our whole family doing things I decided to stay away as I am starting to feel like I am climbing a brick wall. I am trying to be understanding because I know this is my fault but on the other side of it I am feeling emotionally drained and at my wits end. As much I as I know I deserve it, it's still hard to keep a smile on your face while being kicked to the curb day after day. This is no mood to be in while around her. It would be inviting disaster. I talk to Dr Harley tomorrow and hopefully I will have a new outlook and some hope back so I can go back and be what she needs me to be, smile and all. Thanks again for your support.

sleepless

Hi believer, that was indeed my wife signing up as sleeplessinsftoo, I helped her set up an account, I have been encouraging her to post here. Hopefully she will soon. I think it would help us both if she did.

Octobergirl, I forgot one thing in my last post, All contact with the OW was broken off long ago, this was not a love affair on my part and I am having no withdrawl from her. Actually had broken things off well prior to discovery. The OW did call me after she learned of discovery, I didnt answer since I had caller ID. Later that day changed my phone # and email address as a gesture to my wife. Contact with her is NOT an issue.