|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443 |
ww and family went to family b-day party this weekend. My side of family. It is also the frined of the OM. My cousin has cut all ties with om and he was not invited.
Things were going as expected. ww was sneaking around the house with cell phone tm OM. She was also using my cousins house phone.
She obviously thought no one would notice. Twords the end of the eveining I exloded in anger and we had a huge fight. Of course she is still dening everything even when faced with hard evidence.
Its been almost 3 months since dday and i am at my wits end..It seems we are in a stale-mate. She is going to continue to do this and still want to live at home and have me support her financially. That is the only time she talks to me is when she needs something or money.
Yesterday i had the cell phone shut off. LB or not i had to take a stand. She will probrably get another cell phone on her own and contiue her childish behavior but i had to let her know and take that stand.
im trying.....but it is very hard.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
I'm gonna just gonna babble some things your way...
you need to decide inspite of and regardless of your wife's behavior how YOU are going to behave...
inspite of and regardless...
NOW first off you have every right in the world to call it quits...anytime you feel ready to...that's a given...
BUT
if you want the bigger picture
if you want to try...which in the end has some success....
sometimes it's getting in to recovery
sometimes it's getting to a place where you two can atleast communicate for the good of the children (which you aren't doing right now and seperation now would be disasterous to them because you two are both positioned to use them as weapons because you both are so angry at eachother....)
sometimes it's peace knowing that you did all you could to save a marriage...and as dr phil says...you earned your way out....
and while you can call it quits right now...what you can't call it is Plan B...because plan B is follows plan A...and you havent' stuck to and engaged in a serious plan A..
the better the plan a
the better the plan b...
in plan a there is 10000000000000000000000005 conviction that contact is occuring..this should not be a surprize to you...it is what plan a is
and while there certainly are boundaries offered ...but boundaries offered in logic and love...not knee jerk responses and tit for tat...
difficult
difficult
difficult
is the line to walk....
takes great deep breathing skills
takes great resolve and courage...
AND if you can not conjure up compassion and hope for your wife and your marriage....you may be better of not doing plan a...
but to get good at plan a..you have to do it...consistantly...
so you get where this is going..
blowing up at your wife at a family function plays right in to her hands and mind...(which is very warped) right now that her affair is justified as you act like an ogre....
if you are in a stale mate..then you have backed your self in to a corner with your knee jerk reactions....and put little to no consistant energy in showing her hope and compassion...
you wife's anger is her feelings self loathing projected on to you ..
If there is escalated talks between you two in front of the children you darn well better walk away each time....that's has much on your shoulders as it is on hers...
can you still see the bigger picture of recovery
can you still see hope in you two fixing this
do you still want those things
can you let go of your anger enough to be there for your wife....
you gotta dig deep justahusband
really decide where you see this six months from now...
and then make your decisions...
plan a is litterally a moment to moment plan a...in which you engage your brain prior to your mouth....
what do you want
do you want this marriage.
answer what is right in your mind and heart...
then make a plan...
ARK
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093 |
Hi Justahusband,
When you are in Plan A and your wife is still an active alien, you have to expect that she will continue to act like an alien.
You expect the worst from her and then maybe it won't trip your trigger you too much when she does behave this badly.
If she is calling him from a family get together she is deeply in the fog - gone, gone, gone.
AS I am sure you already know, in order to do Plan A well, you have to get the old emotions under control, learn how to babble back and present the best you you can muster.
I would fail at this miserably, so probably wouldn't do it more than a few weeks.
I have a lot of respect for people who can do it longer.
Hang in there Justa - one blow up isn't going to make too much of a difference, just get back to being a great Plan A'r now.
What is your timeline for Plan B?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 108 |
been there, done that. It is sooo hard.
I tell myself I'm not going to worry about WS, but then every two weeks I explode.
You've got to take Ark and Bob Pure's advice. Take all the emotion out of Plan A. Expect nothing from the WS. Next time they get upset and start fighting with you, don't say anything and walk away.
Stay upbeat and good. If you need to explode or let off some steam, then call your own work number and leave yourself a voice mail. Vent to yourself and then stay happy for them.
You've got to make changes yourself. Remember, you don't want to "go back to the way things were". The way things were got you both in this mess.
you want to change your habits and ignore your instincts. Teach yourself a whole new relationship.
You'll be better off for your next relationship, whether it is with WS or someone new. At the end of the day, you can only control yourself.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443 |
thanks
I just got back from the gym adn took the clean clothes basket to put away laundry and found a new pair of g string u-wear. My ww never wers gstrings unless we were in bed together. maybe it was a mistake leaving them there and maybe she left them there in hopes that i would find them. Either way i didnt and will not say anything. I will bite my toungue.Instead i came to my computer and read your posts. talk about timing.
I want a new and better marriage with my wife. Not my current wife but the one i married.
I will bite my tongue and shine the light.
Thanks........again.....
ITs nice to know someone is out there.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443 |
do i turn the cell back on and leave the TM off?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
Suck it up from life and vent it on here. Heck, you'll get slated from time to time, but it sure helps me keep plan A up against the odds. Be mean on here and a beacon of calm in real life. And you CAN tell her how it hurts to be phoning OM. Just not shouting. " I feel when you contact OM while we are together it is a very disrespectful to me and not conducive to us working on rebuilding our relationship. How do you feel about what I have said ?" Rather than " ARRRRRRRGH! ARRRRRGH! Y hear ? * spittle!* ARRRRRGH ! B@stard ! ARRRRRGH! " One is plan a, one is not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Be strong. Even I can plan A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443 |
I need to take the higher road and not fall prey to the argument traps.
I need to stop, Drop and roll. if you know what i mean.
It kills me that she is a married woman and she thinks there is nothing wrong with what she is doing. How can any adult think that this is ok?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How can any adult think that this is ok? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is not an adult. She is a 15 year old schoolgirl waiting outisde A Justin Timberlake gig who has ALSO had her brain kidnapped by aliens. The wise heads on here and the Harleys are NOT wrong ! LOOK at the behaviour ! Affairees are SO errant that it is almost COMICAL if it wasn;t so heartbreaking. The affair makes their brains malfunction. FACT. The way I get through it so far is to seperate the actions from the woman OI have love dall these years. My baby would never do that. It must be the aliens.You MUST depersonalise Plan A else you will be crushed and be ineffective. NOTHING you can do save locking her in a cupboard can stop her makinmg contact. Just use your whole arsenal ( exposure, Plan A, mebbe p'an B) to positively regiment your own behaviour and also to ready the ground for when she withdraws once the A is over. BTW U think she be mean and crazy now, whooooo 'honey, wait for withdrawal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> be strong. <small>[ September 13, 2004, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443 |
I think right now i would actually welcome the withdrawal anger....at least then i would know that the A is starting to END.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 200
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 200 |
JAH....I feel your hurt and anger. I was there a few weeks ago. My WW knew it upset me when OM called or she called him. Bob's right. Like a 15 yr old waiting or talking to Justin. It used to piss me off to no end to see the smiles and little girl reactions when talking with OM. I swallowed my anger and backed off and it seemed to not only work for me (vented here and on the side yard out of sight of WW), but I think WW was confused as well.....
Be the lighthouse JAH, even through the massive waves tossed at you, be the lighthouse. Hit the gym often as I walk away from there feeling pretty damn good about myself afterwards......
......LS
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,885
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,885 |
Just wanted to give you a hug {{{{{{JAH}}}}}}
Hang in there! We're all here for you!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443 |
Been hitting the gym about 3 times a week. Im going to back off. I dont approach her on R discussions. She only talks to me when she wants something. That is sooooo hurtfullll
standing tall and breathing deep
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 108 |
15 year old school girl...
Don't mean to hijack your session, but I'm not sure if I told you I found a two page list my WW put together of why she is in love with the OM.
It was like a high school crush. All the wonderful things he does to show her attention and make her feel loved.
Anyway, back to you.
Actually try to laugh and smile everytime you find her doing something that you both know is wrong. I can do nothing but laugh when my wife says she is at work and I know she is on her cell phone with him.
Scary how additive that feeling is. Right now, she can't remember any good feelings at home. Confuse her with a solid Plan A and see what she does when you DON'T react when she expects you to.
Good luck.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 108 |
15 year old school girl...
Don't mean to hijack your session, but I'm not sure if I told you I found a two page list my WW put together of why she is in love with the OM.
It was like a high school crush. All the wonderful things he does to show her attention and make her feel loved.
Anyway, back to you.
Actually try to laugh and smile everytime you find her doing something that you both know is wrong. I can do nothing but laugh when my wife says she is at work and I know she is on her cell phone with him.
Scary how additive that feeling is. Right now, she can't remember any good feelings at home. Confuse her with a solid Plan A and see what she does when you DON'T react when she expects you to.
Good luck.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443 |
its funny because she comes to me yesterday and says that "I hope you dont plan on showing up to my sisters 10th wedding aniversery cause my fathers going to be there and i feel sorry for you.".....
made me laugh
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 443 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> I'm gonna just gonna babble some things your way...
you need to decide inspite of and regardless of your wife's behavior how YOU are going to behave...
inspite of and regardless...
NOW first off you have every right in the world to call it quits...anytime you feel ready to...that's a given...
BUT
if you want the bigger picture
if you want to try...which in the end has some success....
sometimes it's getting in to recovery
sometimes it's getting to a place where you two can atleast communicate for the good of the children (which you aren't doing right now and seperation now would be disasterous to them because you two are both positioned to use them as weapons because you both are so angry at eachother....)
sometimes it's peace knowing that you did all you could to save a marriage...and as dr phil says...you earned your way out....
and while you can call it quits right now...what you can't call it is Plan B...because plan B is follows plan A...and you havent' stuck to and engaged in a serious plan A..
the better the plan a
the better the plan b...
in plan a there is 10000000000000000000000005 conviction that contact is occuring..this should not be a surprize to you...it is what plan a is
and while there certainly are boundaries offered ...but boundaries offered in logic and love...not knee jerk responses and tit for tat...
difficult
difficult
difficult
is the line to walk....
takes great deep breathing skills
takes great resolve and courage...
AND if you can not conjure up compassion and hope for your wife and your marriage....you may be better of not doing plan a...
but to get good at plan a..you have to do it...consistantly...
so you get where this is going..
blowing up at your wife at a family function plays right in to her hands and mind...(which is very warped) right now that her affair is justified as you act like an ogre....
if you are in a stale mate..then you have backed your self in to a corner with your knee jerk reactions....and put little to no consistant energy in showing her hope and compassion...
you wife's anger is her feelings self loathing projected on to you ..
If there is escalated talks between you two in front of the children you darn well better walk away each time....that's has much on your shoulders as it is on hers...
can you still see the bigger picture of recovery
can you still see hope in you two fixing this
do you still want those things
can you let go of your anger enough to be there for your wife....
you gotta dig deep justahusband
really decide where you see this six months from now...
and then make your decisions...
plan a is litterally a moment to moment plan a...in which you engage your brain prior to your mouth....
what do you want
do you want this marriage.
answer what is right in your mind and heart...
then make a plan...
ARK </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i have just re-read this and will again
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
147
guests, and
46
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,613
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
