Well, my WH called me yesterday and wanted to talk about "us". I knd of had a little hope that maybe he wanted to work things out but I was wrong! He came over and stayed for 3 hours wanting to help me heal and get through the pain so he can move on with no guilt! Nice huh????

He says he's at peace and no longer has pain and after he talked to me he was going to walk out the door guilt free. WHAT????? He's lost his mind!!!! He told me that he would pay for everything for me to stay here and would even buy the paint for me to repaint the house to help take away the bad memoires. He's being sooooooo yucky nice now. What is going on????
He said he has an apt. with an atty. on Oct. 4th. He's really in a hurry to get me out of his life. It seems as if he's doing whatever I want so that he can just "get out".
I asked him about OW and he said she's on vacation out of the country! I guess maybe he wants all of this over with so when she returns he'll be "free". Any input on all of this????????

Treeeee

Sounds like more fog talk and self justification to me. He can do all those things and is still not seeing the light.

Hey TR,
Glad you're weathering all these hurricanes so well. Too bad your WH is still wrapped up in them.

Do not meet with him anymore. He's so deep in the fog it's ridiculous. NO matter how hard he tries, he'll never be guilt free, that's not your problem.

Stay in Plan B...let him reep what he sows. How is she meeting his EN overseas ?

Even D doesn't mean you won't reconcile, and his relationship with the OW has hardly any chance of survival. Let it burn...it will...I promise. Nothing started on lies ends well.

He abandoned his wife and child for OW...let that rain on his character for awhile.

Call an atty. get yourself in order...he can't keep calling all the shots. This isn't a game..and he's not allowed to tell you what he will and won't do...he's crazy.

I know! I just feel sad that there really isn't hope left. I actually got butterflies yesterday thinking that he was going to say he wanted to work it out. When he didn't my heart sank.
He just seems way too calm about everything. I don't understand that!!!!
He kept telling me that he loves me more than I love him and that he is giving me a "gift". He thinks divorcing me and allowing me to heal and move on is a gift! *$*#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He brought over that book...spiritual healing....He's trying to force me to get over him quick! WHY????

My son went to his friends house and started crying and told them that his daddy wanted to come home but I told him no! My son is so confused about everything. He wanted to know if when we are divorced if daddy could still come to our house and stay. What do I say to him? I did have a long talk with him last night and tried to explain things the best I could to an 8 yr. old. I just feel so bad for his little heart! He has MVP and his heart was beating like crazy yesterday. Stress causes it to act up.
I'm going to have to make an appt. for him to go to some kind of counseling. It's just tearing him up.

Oh, Tree. Yuck. You tolerated him for three hours while he pretended to be the wise man and healer? Turns my stomach. WSs are sickos.

It sounds like he read some hair-brained book. Paint the house to get rid of the bad memories? He dumps you and thinks leaving you standing there with a wet paintbrush is a healing gesture!

I was up in my bedroom last night, thinking of how the sparrow banged OM in the same room. I thought I might get in touch with a priest and see if I could have the room blessed. But now I see all I have to do is paint it!

So sorry, Tree. He's doing typical WS stuff, trying to figure out ways to ignore the screams of that annoying conscience.

GC

Tree
I'm so sorry about the weekend. I hate fog talk-makes one want to record and play back later-hopefully in time for a laugh. It's just ridiculous. He's doing overtime trying to soothe his conscience. He knows in his heart what he is doing is horribly wrong. Give it time.

I went to MB Photo thread and saw your picture. You're gorgeous! I know you've heard this a million times but you look like Lady Diana!

betrayed....I honestly would not have met with him if I knew he was going to say all the crap that he did. Why do we make ourselves crazy thinking there is hope and then we're let down? God!!!! He did send an email this morning apologizing for staying too long. I didn't respond!

graycloud....yep...just go buy some paint and everything will be ok! All of your hurt and pain will go away. Crazy huh????? I'm going to let him buy the paint though. I think it will do me some good to cahnge my bedroom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

jph.....thanks! yes, I do get that I look like princess Di all the time. I guess I'll have to find a new prince huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

betrayed....I honestly would not have met with him if I knew he was going to say all the crap that he did. Why do we make ourselves crazy thinking there is hope and then we're let down? God!!!! He did send an email this morning apologizing for staying too long. I didn't respond!

graycloud....yep...just go buy some paint and everything will be ok! All of your hurt and pain will go away. Crazy huh????? I'm going to let him buy the paint though. I think it will do me some good to cahnge my bedroom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

jph.....thanks! yes, I do get that I look like princess Di all the time. I guess I'll have to find a new prince huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

TR,
Sorry to hear about the weekend of false hope. Your WH sounds about as whacky as my WW. Hang in there and don't let him call all the shots.

Thanks Parkem1....so your WW says the same crap???
I wish they had a potion that we cold give them to wake them up!!!!

"He kept telling me that he loves me more than I love him"

This is realy creepy!

and that he is giving me a "gift".

realy creepy

He thinks divorcing me and allowing me to heal and move on is a gift! *$*#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His selfishness and cruelty is boundless....

He brought over that book...spiritual healing....He's trying to force me to get over him quick! WHY????

He thinks his marriage to you was "a mistake" .... hence the spiritually correct action to take is to un-do the mistake thus setting everyone free.... creepy, almost like the way cult members talk

My advice? Stay away from any conversations with WH right now... he is very sick.... boardering on evil, and I would protect my heart if I were you. I would not trust him to do anything the right way ... because he is capable of taking his sin and his selfish acts and justifying himself so it looks like the pain is a benifit for his victims!

Trust NOTHING he says.

Like a criminal saying to his victim... "You will be stronger because I commited this crime. This is actually a gift."

Pep

Treeeeee...plan b, remember? dark dark dark, remember? You are ALLOWING him to draw you into his chaos and hurt you and your son even further. You are conciously making the choice to allow him to do this.

Next time he wants to talk, you simply respond that he knows under which conditions you will discuss your marriage and ask him if he has met them.

If he chooses to file there is nothing you can do about that, so let it go. FL is no fault, but you CAN deny that the marriage is irreconciliable. It may or may not work (the judge can order counseling), but that is about the only thing you can do.

There's no hope? It's your CHOICE on whether to have hope or not. Your expectations can be a low as is realistic (I know that i have very low expectations for my marriage), but that does not mean I don't have hope. I have heaps of hope!

And besides that, there's this. In one of my better moments this weekend, I had an epiphany of sorts to myself. I have found myself increasingly unwilling to work on my marriage myself. Doesn't mean I don't WANT the marriage to be rebuilt, but I know the work it will involved, the pain that might be caused, etc. It's a hard thing to think about and the liklihood that I cannot do anything more is painful. BUT...I looked back upon my wedding day. I made a commitment to my husband, my son and myself that this marriage was for life. For better or worse. We're in the "worse" of things now, for sure. The worst wasn't last year during the A..the worst is now, when only one of us is willing to make a go of it.

When I found MB, I made another commitment to myself that I would see this through. So as I see my husband drawing further away from me, as I draw further away from myself, I remind myself of my own commitment. If I can follow through with this one thing, I know that I will have something to be proud of, regardless of what happens with my M. You too, Tree!!

Please put yourself back in Plan B and stay there, no matter what your H does (unless he meets your conditions). You need some healing, Tree, and Plan B can help you with that. I think counseling for your son is a great idea. He's very confused and that could help.

Pepperband is right, Tree. There is something very sinister in him right now. Your intuition senses it too... the "yucky nice" attitude; very unsettling. Shudder.

Remember in Schindler's List, where the Jews arrive at Auschwitz, and the German officer walks down the line of people, and in a kind, gentle voice, asks each of the old women, "How old ahh you, muzza?"

GC

Pepperband...I agree...I think my H is ill. He just makes no sense and he's just way too calm about it all. Scary!!!!

maddyk.....I think it was good that I talked to my H yesterday. It really made me see that I don't want to talk to him again. He's crazy right now! I think plan B will be much easier for me now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

graycloud....strange...my H is part German. VERY SCARY! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
He really is acting like he's mentally ill or something. His thoughts and words are really "out there". He is trying so hard to justify his actions. It was almost comical yesterday. It made me laugh.....which he hasn't been able to do in a very long time.

I kind of wanted to take that part of my post back. Don't mean to compare the two, it was just a random thought that occurred to me... sorry if it bugged anyone.

I was wondering how you dealt with him during that lengthy encounter, while he was laying all that mumbo-jumbo on you. Laughing sounds like a fair response. Not the most respectful. And his email, "Uh, sorry I stayed too long."

Tree, don't sweat his worthless speeches right now. His brains are made of dingleberries these days.

GC

GC...your comment didn't bug me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, the whole time my H was talking yesterday I just sat and listened mostly. I didn't comment on a few things he said but I was very calm. I did giggle once or twice because what he said was just ridiculous. I was actually very proud of how I acted. God must have been with me to give me the strength to sit there and endure his babble. When he left he was very nice and said good night and left.

I saw him in a different light last night. He really isn't the person I want to be with right now AT ALL!!! He's lost!
I tried to help him find his way back but he's on his own now.....PLAN B!!!!!!

I know deep in my heart that one day he will wake up and see what he has done. I may not be in his life but he will see!!!! You can't go through life doing these things to people and never pay the price. Maybe God has something better in store for me...All I can do is take care of ME and my son. What will be will be!!!!!

Tree!

Maddy is right on key. The reason for Plan B is to stay dark. Protect yourself from his blathering. Block his emails, screen his conversations through friends. Make him understand that you won't conversate with him until there is NC with OW.

He won't do NC we both know that. But the only reason he is contacting you is to sooth his soul. Don't let him do that. He is soothing his blackened soul and in the course tormenting you. Please protect yourself. Plan B is also commonly referred to as protection phase. It protects you from emotional torment.

Thinking of you. Be careful.

Thanks TomJoad!!!!
I think I am actually "getting it" now! Maybe I needed that conversation with him last night to open my eyes.

I'm off to pick out paint for my H to buy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tree, I understand wanting to view your husband in a different light. It helps you to heal and move on. I sometimes do the same thing..when I'm particularly hurting, I snoop and try to find things to be angry with my husband about.

BUT..this is precisely one of the reasons for Plan B.

In SSA they say that the biggest danger to a marriage can be the betrayed spouse.

Tree, remember when you came here that you wanted to try and reconcile with your H and try to rebuild your marriage. Please try to remember that.

Only you can say when you've had enough and just don't want to/can't try anymore. No one would fault you for that. Maybe you have reached that point, maybe you haven't.

I guess the biggest question to ask yourself here is, "If I walk away from this marriage right now, do I feel as though I've done EVERYTHING I could to save it? Will I look back in one or two years, after the initial pain as passes and say, 'what if I had done this or that'"

I feel that the only time you should walk away is when you will not have regrets for having done so. You might be at this point, but if you are not, then you still have some work to do.

I am sorry if it seems like I'm picking on you. I really am not. I just a very panicked and hurting woman who really doesn't know WHAT to do and all of us just want to help YOU.

Yes, Tree, if you think of it as "protection phase" (have you been to saveyourmarriagecentral?) it's a good reminder of why you're doing it. Though I think the SYMC folks might point to slight differences between the plans. Not sure, I don't go over there much.

Come to think of it, plan A could use a better name as well.

You definitely should not allow any further conversations unless you are in plan A. If it's plan B, if he's gotten the letter, then the next time he comes knocking, you have to avoid him. Plan B works best when it is STRICT, I reckon.

GC