During the last 3 months, I've been doing a great deal of reading on affairs and I have a question, maybe several questions:

What if one spouse loves deeply and the other just isn't as much "in love"? I can understand that all affairs start for various/variable reasons--But most affairs seem to have one thing in common--infatuation--is this infatuation in the other person classified as a "fantasy"? Weren't some of us infatuated with our spouses during courting--at the beginning of the relationship? And that infatuation turned into love...

I understand that most affairs are an escape of some sort from the reality of married life. But, what if married life just isn't for some people?

Please share all input...I'm curious.

Bean

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can understand that all affairs start for various/variable reasons</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No A starts for a "reason".

Love, lust, infatuation, entirely different emotions, feelings, experiences.

That initial "in love" can't keep your hands off each other, can't think about anything but you stage is Passion, lust, infation, rarely "LOVE".

That general sense of euphoria ends after the first year of M. Nothing you could ever do or not do will bring that feeling back.

The fact that someone finds it with OP...doesn't make it any different. The feeling would wear out as well in the same year.

So some people...are there for the year. After the after glow parties ain't what they used to be, the no longer feel fulfilled, and seek that "fix" elsewhere.

For others, it's lack of committment.
Lack of maturity, a temporary fix to a permanent problem.

just my 2 cents

Thanks for your 2 cents. That's precisely what I was looking for. Other people's perspectives. I understand that infatuation--emotions, lust, "quick fix" all ends after the passion fades--within a year or so. You don't think that A's start for a reason? Humans tend to rationalize their feelings into "reason"...my WH has indicated several "reasons"...the chase, the excitement, feeling alive, because both of them showed interest at the same time, the prospect was there, the OW offered sex via body language, it was easy to do, it made him feel good,...etc, etc, etc...But now through IC he's beginning to realize his "reasons" were based on his own, inward deficiencies.

I'm curious, after the infatuation (the passion) fades, how does one know if it's "really love"?

Is:

I'm going 2 2uote some absolutes now, about conditional love, tough love, and unconditional love, by Dr Guy Pettit.

Don't misunderstand me, though. Most people pooh pooh "unconditional love" because they believe it means laying down and letting others use us. Trying 2 apply it in this manner in dealing with a spouse's A is downright dangerous (and s2pid). That's not what it's about.

Anyway, the 2uote:

"There are so many ways we use the word love, we can become confused. We use "love" for liking ("I love golf"), for romantic attraction, for maternal, paternal, filial, brotherly, sisterly and group forms of love. Most of these "loves" are conditional upon the loved person or object meeting some expectations in the mind of the one "giving" the love. As we contemplate these many different kinds of "love" we begin to see different "levels" of love, different qualities of energy, and different ways of using the will.

The first level is "conditional love".

1. CONDITIONAL LOVE

Conditional love is like a kind of bargain with the Universe to give you self-love if you "take care of" people. Tends to make others responsible for your needs and happiness. Includes the "Care-taker ", "Good Prostitute", "Reluctant Martyr", "Rescuer ", stances in life. Wants, and to a degree does get, rewards and approval from others. There are secondary gains in this position, though the price paid is being less than one's True Self.

Possessive, holds on when the other grows or heals...and then needs another needy partner. Expectations++. "I will love you (=take care of you) if you are good, clever, white, black, richer, poorer, sicker or more well than me, male, female...etc..." "I love you and if you love me you must promise me...." etc. Can easily feel victimized/angry again when the conditions are not met. Can make the one loved in this way feel very resentful ("hostile dependency"). Dependent on the approval of others.

"Social Activist Level I" ..."Crusader" ("I will fight for peace, - even if I have to kill or assassinate to get it"). Still angry with personalities and more focused on those than upon issues, therefore oversimplifies. "I will love you if you adopt my point of view, the "right" political persuasion....or do what my parents did - or did not do" Easily falls prey to anger or fear, or feels victimized if frustrated. Can explode with frustration and become "Perpetrator" or "Terrorist"; or feel powerless - "Doormat" or "Victim".

This level corresponds in psychosynthesis to the level of the subpersonalities. There is a tendency to "love" only the perceived "victim" in any situation, to identify with the victim, and to hate the perceived "oppressor". Unable to see that the oppressor is also suffering, but in a different way and expressing their suffering differently. Both the victim and the oppressor are giving out a cry for love and for their unmet needs to be met. There is a tendency for one operating at this level to hold others responsible for their happiness (and therefore unhappiness!), and at the same time push love or help away when it has been offered. This often leads to burn-out, or a win-lose situation, in which all are losers. I call this the Bermuda Triangle (see diagram).

2. TOUGH LOVE

Tough Love is less dependent upon others for a sense of self-worth and self-esteem. A more skilled Care-giver. Self-love and self-esteem is enough to take more positive action. Recognizes own needs and is willing to take responsibility for getting them met. Can confront caringly. "I love myself enough to love you and tell you the truth"... "I can serve you without manipulations".

Can also receive love with openness, does not push it away when it is offered.

"Social Activist Level II", Can separate people from their actions, more focused on issues than on personalities. "We are separate but equal" "I give you responsibility for your actions, the way you lead your life, and I take full responsibility for mine". Can negotiate assertively - i.e. firmly, but without putting the other party down .

This level corresponds more to the level of the psyche called in psychosynthesis, the personal self. There is more discrimination, will, love and energy.

3. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE:-

It is the exploration of what this might be that we do from now on in this seminar - and in life after the seminar! Its mystery and depth cannot be explained. Yet we all recognize its presence and its magic. It reveals itself through joy, which can even increase in adversity. We can learn to see ourselves as moving towards becoming able to express it ever more fully. We can learn the steps in developing this quality, which is still in the process of evolving or revealing itself.

Unconditional love is enlarging the self, and an act of will. It is not a feeling or an emotional reaction. Think of the difference between falling in love, and growing in love through all difficulties and conflicts. Unconditional love is an act of mental and spiritual will, it cannot and does not take place upon the emotional level, which is where the problems first register. Unconditional love is extending oneself in the service of the spiritual growth of oneself and/or another, independently of reward or the behavior of others.

To truly love in this way could include:-

1. To call forth a sense of responsibility, and a capacity to make wise choices.
2. To point out weaknesses people have, - but very caringly so that the best in the person is drawn forth in response, rather than resistance.
3. To challenge people to strive and attain, and discover their true selves..
4. To help people work on their habits and weaknesses so that they become stronger. To show them how to use their will correctly.
5. To help people learn to cooperate, and thus to overcome their little egos.
6. To engage people in working for humanity.
7. To teach people how to overcome their prejudices, resentments, separative tendencies, vanities, illusions, and other blocks to their own joy.

To truly love in this way does not mean:

1. To surrender to weakness.
2. To accept things that are harmful.
3. To encourage weakness or irresponsibility.
4. To accept dirt or ugliness in thought, feeling or action.
5. To exploit or use people.
6. To put people into sleep.
7. To tolerate laziness.

Unconditional love causes you to see what has really caused a situation and to see through the outer appearances to the true needs or yourself and others, without criticism of yourself or others . It causes you to see the basic good in yourself and other(s).

Unconditionally loving people see their own errors and joyfully self-correct them .

They love themselves, others and the Source of Life, and therefore the whole of life. In particular, they are inclusive, and can maintain love and goodwill towards both the apparent "victim" and "oppressor" in a situation.

They seek to radiate their inner harmony and joy, peace and healing into any situation - without conditions or expectation of reward, and independently of the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others.

They are group conscious and do not react by immediately taking sides.

They serve the cause of peace and goodwill, and can often find ways to a fair solution of conflict that are not available to emotionally charged people. Gandhi taught the use of ahimsa and satyagraha, which is the willingness to cooperate harmlessly with the good intentions of the other for the true benefit of both."

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he's beginning to realize his "reasons" were based on his own, inward deficiencies </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hence my belief that affairs don't begin for "reasons".... I prefer "excuses".... there is an "EXCUSE"...for why an A is entered.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how does one know if it's "really love"?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is individual to each person.

For me...my H is my best friend, my favorite person, the person that inspires me to be the best person I can be.

to me..that is MY love. What is it to you ?

What is it to me? I can not answer that question at this time. I am hoping in the near future, I will be able to answer that question, and I think my answer might be: I do not love my H. I have had extremely low to no self-esteem, self-worth, or self-confidence my entire life...I don't feel worthy of being love; hence, I can not give love (conditonal, tought, or unconditional).

I am just beginning to face my childhood filled with sexual abuse...

Another question: We learn to love by being loved?