I had an EA for over 3 years long distance off/on. OM broke off (religous issues). It has been almost 4wks since OM e-mailed, and 10 days since I have tried to make contact. I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel after having read the NC and W processes. When will I feel love for my H again? We always had a passionate sex life until OM broke it off.. and I could always congure up affectionate feelings for him until then? WHY??? Don't get me wrong, we have always had probs. but I always coudl feel mushy mushy for him... I want to love him, I have dug out old notes, pictures ect.. I pray daily that I will love him ect....( we were to everyone "like honeymooners" ) unless you really knew us like close family members... IS this just part of W?

NOTE* H finally got treated for depression last year but his perscription for Zoloft ran out and he did 3 or 4 sessions of counseling right at the begining, I went one time w/ him and unfortunately I slipped about some physical violence issues and he refused to go back,, I know I screwed up...
Any thoughts?

EA 3yrs off & on
WS me 34
BS H 36
M 12.5 yrs 2 kids 10 & 6

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 06:34 PM: Message edited by: tea.4.2. ]</small>

tea, what physical violence issues and why would it be a screw up to tell your counselor?

And what does your H say about the affair?

You "slipped" and told the truth? Sounds like your husband does not want to work on the issues.

Tea, it's such an odd and common thing, especially for WS, to think they can deal with their problems one at a time.

Many think their lack of feelings for their spouse and the A are separate things.

You, tea - you tell us all this stuff about your A and then casually toss off a comment about domestic violence in your M.

The abuse is a problem.

Your affair is a problem.

Your lack of desire for your husband is a problem.

They are all related to each other, all dependent on each other to some degree.

Let me explain. You had an affair. You lack desire for your H. Which came first? Well, perhaps your desire diminished initially because you were getting beat on. Then you had the A. For many women, when tempted to have an A, they first have to abandon all their feelings for their H, then their desire for the OM is free to be explored. So you flushed what remained of your feelings for your H so you could have the A, and when you do that, it isn't easy to get those feelings back. Looking at pictures ain't gonna cut it.

So you see, these different things all coexist, and are not problems that can be solved one at a time, or by you alone. You and your H have to become partners in the effort to work on all these problems at the same time.

Now - nothing justifies an A. But if your H is a batterer, you owe it to yourself to be safe from him. Nothing justifies beating up on your wife either.

GC

Hmm. We have had issues of violence PC in the past I hate to say he is a wife beater as they were fights between the 2 of us generally both pushing shoving, however last fall he sorta freaked out on me, didn't hit me but restrained me to our walk in closet for an hour because he wanted to teach me what "trapped" felt like. We were discussng our M and I had said I wasn't leaving because I was trapped (no job housewife for 12 yrs) He had followed me around hse trying to get me angry pushing things out of my hands ect till I went in the closet to put away clothes, it turned into a wrestling match trying to get out and I got pretty bruised up being drug back into the closet. This sorta freaked me out as he has never really been this agressive, and desperate, and all other PC was done before the children born, but I recognized that this was when he was most desperate he knew I wanted to leave. Afterwards he broke down and of course I comforted him, but told him he needed help.

he wasn't to "into" the counseling and I got invited in, after about 15 minutes of wishy washy stuff I came out and told the counselor we have some big issues here and spilled the beans... he went 1 or 2 times after that & tried to hide that he was on Zoloft, I saw a change right away and finally he admitted. Since it worked he quit counseling. He is way different on the meds. everyone notices even our children.

The EA was between a young priest and I who family knows well (note live hundreds of miles away). He had been counseling me and we sorta admitted we had feelings for each other, then jumped to religious issues to keep minds off stuff. He did nothing terribly wrong and immediately tried to make things right after he admitted how he felt. I know my H would try 2 destroy him and quit the church, this would be the end for me as I converted from another faith so that he would at least go.

I guess because nothing P happened I hate to tell H, especially since (all at the same time) his meds have run out. I have been going to Force his hand at going back on med.

I had an A about 4 weeks into M (12 yrs ago). We were having lots of PC and some older guy @ work found out and wooed me, I left H moved back to dads but when A didn't work out I went back to H. He has always threatened (jokingly) that if I ever cheated on him again he'd kill me & recently added "himself" to the phrase. I really think he is joking but after last fall I don't know.

Yes you r correct about disconnect. I tried that last summer when I thought there was a chance at the A then it ended quickly. This spring it started up again, but this time I really did emotionally disconect. Maybe I am expecting 2 much 2 soon from everyone involved and need to just take things a little slower.

tea...

First, and most important. Your H should never never put his hands on you in an effort to put you somewhere you don't want to be. He may not have hit you, but he crossed a boundary that no man should dare cross. I bet it can be a slippery slope once a fella gets over there. Very serious, this. "I didn't hit you, I just manhandled you" doesn't cut it.

If you're going to try to save your M, then your loyalty must be to the M and to your H. That means you don't withold the truth from your H to protect the OM. Those kinds of secrets will kill your relationship.

GC