OK. With so many good posts going on (like Pep's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> --I'll respond to that one eventually!) and so many people that need real help, my situation seems trivial.

Here's the sit:
My boss informed me that my boss, the boss' boss, and possibly even "the" boss and I will have a meeting tommorrow first thing. All my boss would say was that it was an "anonymous allegation" that could be "serious" but refused to elaborate.

So, I thought about it. I have several "problem kids" that I manage. Could be a number of things, number of issues.

Then, I overheard someone who overhead something to the affect of, "LINY is being accused of having an affair with X(OW)." "WTF?" was my first reaction. This could very well be what will be discussed tommorrow.

The dilemma is, how should I feel? How do I react? (Besides "surprised"--I should not have overheard what I did.)

I am having much confusion over MB principles, where brown and I are (it's a good place!), the fact that this accusation shouldn't constitute anything (except the OW's sister is one of my employees),etc. If this is indeed the alleagtion to be brought up, I know exactly who did it "anonymously"--for whatever reason (besides just this one) this woman has a vendetta against me--and I don't know why.

This is where (how ironic?) Octobergirl's thread comes in to play as well. How many people outside of MB really know what an EA is? But how kharmedic (kharma+comedic) and ironic this will be if it is indeed this issue! If it is, the accuser is 99% referring to a PA--not EA.

I am at a complete loss for what to do, say, feel. I just reread this and have no clue if it makes any sense.

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 01:46 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

I knew NOTHING about affairs until I read MB here, SAA, Torn Asunder, Surviving infidelity et al.

I do not think that ANYONE has done such a dissection of the dynamics of affairs than the Harleys, let alone forge tools to use against them in a pro-marriage manner.

We who have studie son here know more about Affairs than even the Relate counsellors in teh UK - a bold statement but YOU try calling them and getting any sense...

I have no doubts that your boss has no idea what an EA is, not how damaging it can be to a M or how stressful to manage.

I think you might just be in the receiving end of a bit of Exposure, LINY. I'm gussing its gonna be cr@p but if your heart's good dont fear truth.

If so accused, tell them that an emotional, non-physical affair occurredma ndthat you are using a proven MC method called MB to try to recover from it with your W.

You could then ask if it is affecting your work...if SO, out those things right, if NOT tell him to have a Coke and a smile and shut the heck up.

Do as you must, mate. Good luck. Truth will dilute the poison of this tattletale, but remeber exposure FEELS vindictive to all parties, yet it is rarely intended as such.

Bob, thanks for the response. I know: exposure. I knew that would come up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
It is, however, more complicated than that. Without getting into specifics, I am like a "probationary manager." One f@#$ up, and that's my career. That's the dilemma of the EA vs. PA. I do like your response. But, they wouldn't understand! (Please trust me--you don't know the nature of the beast that brown and I work at!) This is my career. I have a family to support. Yes, I had an A. An EA. Yes, I am admittedly "justifying" of "just" an EA. "They" don't understand. Yes, I should have thought about all of that before the EA. How ironic that I use the same "defense" for myself as I did in OG's thread--"Once I became conscius of what I was doing, I was ending it." This sucks. (And the repercussions can go not only to the OW--her problem--but my W.)
You see, Bob, alot of the "strict" MB'ers will say I'm still in the "fog" or whatever--maybe even you--I don't know. But since the very first post of mine, the one thing that I said which remains the same is: our environment is truly unique. (Not situation.) And, yes, the "accuser" is indeed vindictive.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 02:30 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

LINY, it does suck, friend. Everything to with with affairs sucks wet farts out of dead dogs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Its grim if your career is broken over this, but, without being glib at all, its one of the negative practical fallouts of choosing to have an affair.

I can't advise, only suggest that you deal with the situation with truth and confidence, and deal with whatever happens.

I approached my boss with huge trepidation fearing losing my job (my work turned to cr@p post-d-day) and she was fantastic, giving me a sabbatical to help fix out lives, right outta the blue.

You never know, LINY, you NEVER KNOW. Karma bus ? Mebbe,but you just have to shovel the fallout from the A one scoop at a time, like BS and WS all do mate.

{{{{LINY}}}} thinkin' about you nate.

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 02:38 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Thanks Bob...gotta find those zzzz's now. Thanks for the support, friend!

Well, brown and I spoke about this whole thing last night briefly. (At the time, didn't hear what I heard, so we were just making assumptions--this issue was the most probable.)

We spoke about it more this morning. It's really the first time the strong woman of mine broke down over this whole mess I created. She was angry, she cried, she is confused. It all came out. And I hurt for seeing this. I hurt for causing this. That woman was always there. I never looked after I had made up my mind that "I give up." What an [censored].

But we are on different stable ground now--and about to have the rug pulled out from us. By some vindictive b1tch who has something against me. (This isn't the first occurrence of an issue coming up against me from this "woman.")

This isn't fair. Above all, to brown. Then again, I made the bed right?

LINY-

I know that I will get 2x4's for this, but the work world does not go in accordance with the regular world.

I've seen many good people lose their job for telling the truth over petty things.

I think you should insist that you have a happy marriage. Otherwise you may be out of there.

LINY, I don't know your story. By now you are probably talking to all the bosses so what I write won't make any difference. If it is about your EA, why not just be honest. You realized you were developing feelings for another woman and ended that R. You and your W are committed and working towards recovering from your mistake. You have learned a lot, and recommend to your bosses "Not Just Friends." Good Luck! CV

CV--actually, I work nights. Still here and open for opinions, suggestions, etc. Thanks.

Believer...You know I respect you so much...so I can sort this out in my head, why did you say what you did? I ask this, because I definitely agree with you-- especially our workplace. I would like to think that what I do nowadays is the "right" thing; and that includes doing the right thing for both brown and I. Thanks again, believer.

This certainly ain't no picnic! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

LINY, I'm tending to agree with believer about this.

You and brown discussed this so she knows what's going on. It seems to be hurting her. And you seem to be worried that whatever your response to a "talk at work" is will hurt brown.

Can you POJA this with brown? Ask her what she feels you ought to do? If she ENTHUSIASTICALLY agrees that you should only be saying postive things about your M right now, then you should take your cue from that.

Can you "walk around" the topic of the EA? If you POJA this with brown...and you both agree this is a good idea, can you just say that you were having a rough spot in your M but you've been working very hard on it and you are both on a much better place now? Don't deny or confirm the EA..just "walk around" it?

I'm not saying you should do this on your own, but with a POJA with brown.

Just trying to help you with some "brainstorm" ideas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

maddy, no, I appreciate the brainstorm. One snag with that: she is tending to believe (not sure of why, although she has said in the past, "I know how us women can be!") that the "anonymous" person could actually be the OW. Wouldn't that be a kick in the groinal area?!?! I would tend to believe it's what I say. OK, getting on the phone with brown now...I'll let you know.
Thanks!

Well it is good to be honest, but I think the affair was not physical, and would be misunderstood in the workplace.

I have seen good men go down and lose their jobs by being honest. Then their family suffers.

I would deny any mention of an affair and say you and Brown have a solid marriage.

I saw one guy who was a good worker lose his job because he admitted he took some decorative bricks home from an empty house. Since we work on a military base, this is considered stealing from the gov. The people who moved out told him he was welcome to the bricks.

No one saw him, but at a meeting in the morning someone asked about them. He raised his hand and said he took them, but would bring them back. They fired him.

So living right and being completely honest while being the good thing to do, you must weigh the cost to your family. Providing for your family is your duty.

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

..."as close to the truth as you can possibly go"--without going into the personal side. They don't need to know anything else about our personal life. "I had a close professional, working relationship--a friendship." She said more, but we *are* on the same wavelength.

Maddy, don't know if you realize it, but thanks for the 2x4--once again, I went elsewhere--yes you guys are f'ing wonderful! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> --but I should have "asked" brown first. (She understood--she was very emotional this morning.)

I guess this also depends on what exactly the accusation is and how it is worded.

I am so glad we are on the same page about this. And you and believer too. I'll let you all know tonight how it went.

THANKS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Did you violate any work rules?

If you did NOT .... repeat this as often as necessary ... "I did not violate any work rules."

If you DID violate work rules .... repeat this as often as necessary ... "I violated this (these) work rule (s) .... I regret doing this. I have stopped doing this. I will never do this again."

Somehow Clinton was able to lie straight faced to the nation and many people are / were OK with this. I am not among them. I much appreciate straight honest talk.... I TRUST folks who own up to their past errors. I strongly distrust folks who lie and cover up their past errors .... even "petty" things.

Make a decision about this LINY keeping your eye on your soul.... who is the man you want to be. The inside job.... not the man the world sees. If you protect anything ... I hope you choose to protect your integrity.

Pep

Don't be afraid to play hardball. I had a manager want to "discuss" my affair. During our "talk", I asked him if he still thought his secretary had the great rack he hired her for like he expressed to me two months earlier.

He got the message. We parted with an "understanding" that those who live in glass houses should be careful of casting stones.

Yes, you made a mistake LINY, but that doesn't mean you have to lie down and take whatever anyone wants to do to you. Fight back.

Low

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
Well it is good to be honest, but I think the affair was not physical, and would be misunderstood in the workplace.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is definitely our feeling and my gut feeling too.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">gov.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do understand.

Again, thanks, believer, maddy, CV and Bob.

I'll let you know how it went.

If it was an anonymous allegation it is probably not from OW, but someone she told. Other workers love to jump in the middle of things like this.

I agree with Pep - "I did not violate any work rules" if you didn't.

I would not admit anything. You can stay honest and not give out personal information.

It is kind of like AA - make amends to the person, unless it would be harmful to your family, or others.

You could jump up and say "Yes, I did it, I had an affair!", and bare your soul, but that would be very hurtful to your family. You have repented and turned away from your sin. It is forgotten.

Originally posted by believer:

I have seen good men go down and lose their jobs by being honest. Then their family suffers.

Once, I was interviewing a charge nurse. She PROUDLY told me that her nurses "never make drug errors". I asked her how this was possible. (statistics say this is impossible) She told me, "They know that if they ever make an error, they will be fired immediately!".... she was so proud of her statement.... she glowed with her unblemished record... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

and I wondered.... how many patients suffered drug error side-effects because she had mandated dishonesty at her workplace?

Believer.... if you were to take your advice and reapply it to other situations ... it could be dangerous.

For instance.... If you knew your airline pilot told a little white lie about his alcohol use.... would you care? As long as his story protected his family's income, this is "OK"?

I am not saying LINY should blabber all LINY's private life details in front of his boss....

He may be asked a direct question like... "Did you have an inappropriate relationship with Madam X?"

"Yes. We became emotionally entangled. I realized this and I stopped it from becoming something worse."

LINY needs to answer truthfully.
If the employer later discovers that LINY lied .... his credibility has been shot.

Pep

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep and LO...my 'puter very slow today--didn't see your posts.

Yes, pep, I have asked that question. And no, I din't violate any rules. (I've thought about this--this one question is really the only thing that this accuser could try and "get" me on. (I.e. extended breaks, lunch, during hours, etc.) And, no, when the EA was going on, no, no rules were broken.

LO, great story! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You see, though, in my workplace, that boss would have been disciplined (if not fired) just for that very inappropriate comment. (And I would have used the "Clinton defense!") Seriously, though, I'm not in an "ideal" position. Simply for the fact of the EA, but also what I mentioned as "probationary manager" not in a bad way, sort of like a "Let's see what he's got and let him earn this before we give him this position."

Thanks again. My mind is eased--certainlky not at ease. Just waiting for what next curve will be thrown my way. Just when things were getting back on track and looking up for brown and me...

Liny,
I agree with Believer on this whole-heartedly!
Leave the DETAILS to your W and yourself, all your boss needs to know is you love your wife and your M is strong and fantastic! If he backs you in a corner so to speak, let him know, POINT BLANK that that OW was merely a friend (regardless to what she might believe, and act bewildered that she would even suggest otherwise!) who you conversated with on breaks, that YOU choose to limit because you didn't want to give anyone the wrong impression. Error on the side of caution, I'm not so sure they would understand the truth or care to hear it.

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>