I have been married for nearly 30 years. The marriage wasn't doing all that well for quite some time, but I didn't realize it. I was pushing upward in my career and was not paying attention to my wife and family. I also have had an anger problem, which did not help my marriage situation at all. Earlier this year, the situation came to a head. I knew the marriage was deteriorating and I wanted to stop it; repair it. I sought counseling, and I began to talk to my wife. During one of my discussions, she admitted that she had feelings for another man, a man on her tennis team. I had suspected as much for quite some time. She said that the attraction was not and had never been physical. She said that there had never been any physical contact, although she did say that, being human, she had thought about it. She said that she had a special connection with this man, who she characterized as a soul mate. <P>I was devastated, particularly when I found out how much time she spent with him. She telephoned him almost daily. She met him during the day for lunch, occassionally. She agreed to come to counseling. I wanted her to break all contact with the man, but the counselor, after talking to her alone, felt it best not to; to trust my wife. I did so, but did, don't, feel good about it. <P>To make a very long story short, my wife and I have gone through counseling, I have read and put into practice Dr. Harley's principles. I have done all that I can to bring my wife back to me. She has done the same, and for the last two months, our relationship has been better than it has ever been before. <P>Now the problem. My wife is back into tennis, with the same team, and the man is on the team. My wife still wants to play with him as her partner. We discussed this a month ago, and I told her that I, while I might be able to live with him being on the team and her seeing him then, I didn't want her to play tennis with him. This game is my wife's passion, and his game is very good. This is what brought them together in the first place, and, as I read in dr. Harley's book, they are spending her best times together, not with me. In any case, she has refused to give up these games. I am trying to maintain my equilibrium over this, but I have to admit, when she wouldn't change, her love bank suffered huge withdrawals. I'm sure my love bank did also with her, when I told her my concerns. <P>She says she has no more feelings for him. She says that she wants to play tennis with him to prove to me that she no longer has any attraction to him. I just don't want to be reminded of the past. <P>I don't know what to do or where to go mentally with this. Please, suggestions.<P>------------------<BR>

My advise (which was given to me by many on this forum) would be that if it makes you uncomfortable then it should stop. Period.<P>If she's concerned about how YOU feel, then she'll change partners, or whatever she needs to do to make YOU more comfortable.<P>Isn't it one of those POJA things or something?

Hi TL<P>If your W was honest enough to talk about it in counselling then she may understand her feelings for OM and know not to continue them. I feel that you can trust her because she was honest. No secrets and her fantasy with OM has been exposed. <P>Can you be more involved with her passion for tennis? Watch her game, talk about it with her, monitor her tournaments? <P>Good Luck<P>

Maya - I discussed the POJA with my wife, when we were going through counseling, and after she informed me she was going to play with this man again. She has never been very enthusiastic about that. She seems to feel that it is a way to control her. She is very conscious of what she perceives as my attempts to at controlling her. One of the issues that came out during counseling was that she felt she had lived her life under my control, and that she hadn't been able to express herself properly. The tennis came to be her escape from me and my control. Any thing that, to her, smacks of control causes her to back up.<P>Toronto - I am doing just what you suggest. I've been/am a tennis player, but not at her level right now. Since the recovery began, I have made efforts to talk to her about tennis, to go to her matches, play with her, all of those things. And, I must admit, she is a very intelligent (and beautiful) woman, who probably does understand, somewhat, what her feelings are and how to control them. But she doesn't seem to understand my discomfort with the situation, my embarassment at having failed her, and how this man represents that in my mind. I have worked hard for several months to forgive, forget, and heal, but this doesn't promote healing.<P>Thanks for your help.