I'll try to be brief. I have encountered an unusual bump in my relationship. I've lived with my wife for 15 yrs. We were married 8 yrs ago before our daughter was born. We have her and a 4 yr old son. Over the past few yrs, my work has consumed me and I neglected my family time and they kind of got used to me being away at work. About a month ago, I woke up. I realize I have the perfect woman and family and we had a long talk and our relationship has improved greatly. We talked about us having issues and I'm working on it. It's hard work being a good husband, but I am willing to do it. It's been about a month, and she compliments me every day and tells me she is so happy.

Here comes the snag, my wife is not very computer literate and accidentally left her email on before she left. I'm not normally nosey, but I looked at some. Big mistake. I wish I never found out what I know now. It seems she is falling in love with a woman. She has never been gay, but does have many gay friends. She has always says she could never be with another woman. Her relationship with this woman is just beginning and their emails talk about how our relationship has lost the passion. That is a topic that came up in our own talks and and we both agree it's getting better. But I know she has an interest in this woman. She is always texting her and calling and although she guards her phone, she openly talks about this woman because she doesn't expect me to see a romance there. Beside talking about our problems, they openly discuss their feeling towards each other and their is no mistake, it is very personal and sexual. I now feel as if I'm in a competition. She has no clue I know about the other woman. She says she loves me very much and we are planning for a great future with the new me.

I love my wife more than life itself and would easily forgive her, but cannot stand the thought of her falling in love with a woman. If it were a man, it would be different I guess. They have been talking this way I'd say about a month. I'm not sure if the relationship has become physical.

The big question: I don't know if I should let this play out and hope she picks the new me and this just becomes a fling in her life that just fades away and we live happily ever after, or should I confront her about it and force the issue. Maybe I could somehow stop their relationship before it really starts. Although, this way I stand to end up in divorce which I do not want. If I get her to talk about it, will she just leave me and our family or will she try to fix "us". I feel she went to this other woman because something was missing from me. I now realize that and I'm correcting that but wonder if I did it too late. I want to talk to her but I'm afraid of the outcome. She really values our family and says she wants to be with me forever. I am totally consumed with this problem and have though about seeing a professional to discuss options but thought I would try this forum first.

I would appreciate any input before I confront her with my knowledge. Thanks in advance...

Stumped

Stump...welcome to MB...a few comments/questions:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stumpedsoul:
I have encountered an unusual bump in my relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it's so much more than a bump. I'll get to that later.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's hard work being a good husband, but I am willing to do it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are already ahead of the perverbial "game"--keep it up. Plan A'ing and not even knowing it!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not normally nosey, but I looked at some. Big mistake. I wish I never found out what I know now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whenever you "snoop" be prepared of what you may find. Although, I guess you found that out.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It seems she is falling in love with a woman. Her relationship with this woman is just beginning and their emails talk about how our relationship has lost the passion...I know she has an interest in this woman. She is always texting her and calling and although she guards her phone...they openly discuss their feeling towards each other and their is no mistake, it is very personal and sexual.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What we refer to here as an EA--emotional affair. Possibly even more damaging than a PA--depending on who you ask. And yes, your wife is in one. Read on...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I now feel as if I'm in a competition.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very normal, from everything I've read. You have the upperhand--you have a marriage with her...
[QUOTE}I love my wife more than life itself and would easily forgive her, but cannot stand the thought of her falling in love with a woman. If it were a man, it would be different I guess.[/QUOTE]
I'm curious at why you think this.
I'm a man too, but IMO, would actually feel less "threatened" in many ways. On the flip side, the HUGE threat I would feel is this: the woman species is so much more emotionally orientated, and yes, indeed, passionate.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They have been talking this way I'd say about a month. I'm not sure if the relationship has become physical...I don't know if I should let this play out and hope she picks the new me and this just becomes a fling in her life that just fades away and we live happily ever after, or should I confront her about it and force the issue. Maybe I could somehow stop their relationship before it really starts.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely confront her.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although, this way I stand to end up in divorce which I do not want. If I get her to talk about it, will she just leave me and our family or will she try to fix "us".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A legitimate fear, but why do you feel this way? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel she went to this other woman because something was missing from me. I now realize that and I'm correcting that but wonder if I did it too late. I want to talk to her but I'm afraid of the outcome. She really values our family and says she wants to be with me forever.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most affairs just don't start for "no reason at all." Which is wy I said you were have the right foot first--you identified a problem, a weakness in your M, and started correcting it. How long has this been going on with the OW?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has always says she could never be with another woman.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And we all said here, we would never be involved in an affir. It has happened, though. And which supports my "theory" that an EA IMHO is "worse" than a PA. Either way, it's an A and you need to start taking steps on what you have discovered.

I;m gonna say it again--you have already taken many steps in the right direction. Continue to concentrate on what you have been doing. You need to confront your W about this. These things--A's--just don't blow over and everything is hunky dorey when it ends, if it does.

There's alot you can read on. There's also some who have been in your postion (same-sex A's) that post here. I hope they can shed some light on that part of this. However, like I've said, regardless who it is with, it's still the same pain and hard work (that you have already shown) that must be faced head on.

I hope this helps a little. Keep with us--You'll get a lot of much needed support and guidance here.

stumpedsoul,

Welcome to Marriage Builders! A great place of information and concepts to rebuild your marriage and a wealth of wonderful, compassionate people to help guide you through it. Please be sure to read all parts of this site especially The General Welcome for New Builders Lots of very important and useful information in that link.

Your W is having an affair, at the very least, and EA (Emotional Affair) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Yes, I would confront her with the email you discovered. The fact that it is to a female does not make the betrayal hurt any less. Nor does it make the recovery path for your marriage any different. You're risking divorce if you confront her? You are almost surely guaranteeing divorce if you don't. Allowing their relationship to continue will not make it go away and you aren't going to be able to hide the knowledge that your W is secretly betraying.

Read this site. Post. Ask and answer questions. There's lots of caring knowledgable people here to help you and guide you.