Hello, I am a new poster, and I am just hurting so bad right now. I am embarrassed to talk to anyone about this that I know, so I thought I'd come in and at least be able to talk to others who might possibly be able to relate.
Today I found out that my husband had signed up to an Adult Finder webpage. I found this because he accidently forgot to logout of his email last night, so when I went on the computer this morning, I saw he had all these emails confirming his password and profile on this site. I never look at his email because I trust him, but I'm glad I did this time. I went there and saw what he had put on his profile, he put that he was looking for someone to whisk him away from his wife and wanted another relationship because he wasnt happy and wanted to leave his wife. I was in tears, I never knew he felt this way. I mean we've been having some problems with our intimate life lately, he's been so stressed out with trying to find a job and just being home all the time and getting his school started that he just doesnt want anything to do with sex. It has hurt me and we talked about it briefly and I have been trying to be the understanding wife and give him some time and space on that part. But I never knew it was to this extent. So I confronted him immediately. He admited he had and didnt know why, it was late and he was just feeling a bit frustrated with everything and that he was just 'venting'. That he never inteded to hook up with anyone. He assured me over and over that he never has once cheated on me in our whole 4 year relationship,that he definitely had the opportunities but never acted upon them because of us. That this was just whatever and he never has or would cheat on me. Now obviously there is something deeper there and I just don't know what to do anymore. I am going to seek some marital counseling, he has agreed to go with me, hopefully we can afford it though, so not sure when it will be possible. I am so hurt and lost at this moment though, he appologized numerously for doing that and assured me he wouldnt do something like that again. That he really didnt know what he felt right now, that he still loves me but he has so much on his mind. We've been together for almost four years, but only been married 6 months, and he says he's just having a really hard time coping with the fact that we now have a home together (apt) and just with marriage all together, the idea of being completelytied down is getting to him.
I just don't know what to feel right now, I mean how can one continue in a marriage when I feel like he doesnt want me anymore, like maybe Im not what he wants anymore?
I'm sorry this is so long and coming from a new person, but I just really needed to vent and hoping maybe anyone out there might have any ideas or kind words. Thank you.

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: SDHurt ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. There are lots of folks here going through similar things, and also actual adultery.

Check out the emotional needs questionnaire and try to meet his most important emotional needs. Also it sounds like he has too much time on his hands. Is he actively looking for a job?

Thank you, I am not sure where to find that but I'll look for it.
Yes, he goes out everyday to look for a job, but he hasnt been successful, which I think is part of the problem. He indeed told me that not having anything to keep him busy and just being home so much is really getting to him. His frame of mind is that before us he was so used to being alone all the time, he still hasnt been able to get used to the idea of having someone (ie: me) around all the time or on a daily basis. He just recently left the military and we had grown accustomed to him often leaving for 1-6 weeks periods of time, which I think is also a big change that has affected us. I'm just so lost right now, he said he was sorry but I just got the feeling like he didnt see this whole thing as a big deal since he didnt actually 'cheat' as he put it. He doesn't want our marriage to end, but I just don't feel him putting all the effort I feel he should be into it. I just hope we can work through this, I love him with all my heart and it hurts to even think about our marrige falling apart <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

This guy should be busy all day looking for a job. He may be feeling the effects of getting out of a very structured lifestyle and into a civilian lifestyle.

How long has he been out of the military? Why did he get out?

Well the thing is, since he doesnt have to be up super early, he stays up really late everynight playing video games or net surfing until like 3am. So the time during the day is not so much spent doing this as much as the night.
He was in the navy and he's been out for only a month. He got out because he was completely miserable and hated the military and is right now waiting to start school in November. So the job he is trying to find is only temporary until he goes to LA to school for a year. Which is another thing I am not looking forward to, even though we will only be 1 1/2 hours away from each other, we will be separated during that time. We have a lease and I cannot afford to up and quit my job and try to find another one for one year just to follow him, so this is the most reasonable thing for us to do.
He has always been a complicated person, and I knew that when I married him, but lately its been hard to know what he wants. I have done everything I possibly can to try and be a good wife and make him happy, but I just don't know what to do anymore, I though he WAS happy with us, I mean I know he was frustrated with other aspects of life, but I didnt think 'we' were one of them...

SDH - You certainly have reason to be hurt. But if I could be optimistic for a moment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> maybe you should think about this as a warning shot across the bow, instead of a cannon ball through your...your...well whatever part of a ship would be bad. IOW look at this as a chance to correct some things before they get worse.

It sounds like the two of you have gone through many changes recently. I have a friend who was laid off when the tech bubble burst and it took him a long time to find a new job. I know that he suffered a lot emotionally. Not being able to find work can be very demoralizing, especially for a man. Men are supposed to be providers for their family. So if we can't fulfill that role then we lose part of our identity.

Read about emotional needs on this website and think about what your husband might need from you. I'm willing to bet that letting him know that he is your protector and that you believe in him would go a long way to boosting his confidence and helping him get back on track.

my 2 cents

From your description of him I would bet his top 2 emotional needs are, sexual fullfillment and recreational fullfillment. Not that most mens are not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

explore this with him,,, it sounds like the beginning symptoms of a young love experiencing growing pains.

Tons of affairs ignite because one partner is lacking "excitement" All you need to do is restore this need to the Marriage.


Get out and have fun together, then rock his world in the bedroom.

Unfortunately that is another part of the problem, his sexual needs. Whatever they are, they seem to be extinct. I have always had a HUGE sex drive, anywhere anytime kinda gal. Where as he is not. I have found myself crying at times to myself when he refuses me at night. I have suggested and tried all kinds of things. I have lingerie and tried lotions and stuff like that, but he says he finds all that stuff corny and stuff he just 'not into'. I have been more than willing to try anything, and have told him so, to make our sex life better, but he just doesnt seem so willing. to him he says its just not an important part of life, he doesnt feel sex or intimacy is that big of a deal and he just doesnt really crave it. Of course this leaves me feeling more self-concious and somewhat worthless. I have also run out of ideas on what to do to actually make him want sex, but I start to get the feeling that maybe he just doesnt want sex with 'me' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

SD,,,,

OK then might I sugest more recreational activities. There are sometimes when I feel no need for Sexual fullfillment,,,IE: long work day,
lack of sleep. When me and my wife enjoy a night out and have a great time with each other we cannot wait to get home and have sex.
Spontaneous sex can be ok,,, but for me its the emotions that lead up to the sex that make it great. That feeling of knowing you are making love to the one you love most in this world.

It seems maybe somewhere you and hubby have lost that,,, just as me and my wife did after our second child,,, You have to go back to the early days of your relationship. remember the sparks?
Even though you feel all the sparks are gone just as I did,, they are still there and will allways be there. It does take some exploring to get them back as well as some good talking and understanding but it can be done. Just know it can only be done if both partners want it.

SD, you should talk to your H about the two of you going to bed together at night, at the same time. I think it's an important part of a nice, intimate bond between a man and woman.

Certainly that won't solve all your problems, but it will give you more opportunities to talk and do other stuff also <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Talk to him about it in the least nagging way you can manage.

GC

Thank you very much for the suggestion. I think I am gonna have to try harder with this. I've tried it several times, because we do go out often, do different things such as dinner and movies, or go to a concert, or sometimes go out on the town, and when we get home I will be the one to initiate sex, however most of the time it just seems like a chore to him. Half the time he gives in, seems only so I'll 'shut up' about it. And the other half he's just not willing. We have a great time together outside the bedroom, but its seems when we get home, sex is just not what he wants. And in fact in a discussion about he actually referred to sex as a 'chore', which hurt me dearly. I will not just give up on this, and I know I will have to try harder, but I just hope he is willing to try along with me because I know I won't be able to keep trying just by myself.

I can totally relate to how you feel.

I think the worst thing to come into the house is the internet, not the computer, but the internet. My H has a problem with internet sex for a while. And he wouls stay up for hours at a time surfing sex sites. I hated it because he was more into the computer than me. So what did I do---I got rid of roadrunner!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So when he went to log in, nothing came on. I could do that because it was in my name. And I asked that it not be authorized in my home again under any name. Then God interceded and our computer went on the blink <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I was so very happy about that. Then I found out he had sent pictures of himself naked through his cellphone to exgirlfriends,he will never know that I know about that, but I am able to check a variet of things.

Men seem to be turned on by someone else having interest. Getting rid of the internet for a while could be a good move. And find out what your husband wants.

My husband doesn't sleep in our bed on a regular basis right now either, due to the fact that he falls asleep on the couch watching television. And I leave him there. Our intimacy had gone down the tubes. But then how I got to him, was I went to the naughty but nice store and bought all these self pleasure toys and put them where he could see them, now I can't keep him off of me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know it was a hurtful discovery, but only you know how much you can tolerate.

QUOTE: "try along with me because I know I won't be able to keep trying just by myself."

And you should not do all the work.
Marriage is work,,, yes it is,, it takes 2 people to work on their marriage.

SD,,, Also from some of your responses it is clear you are hurting and unhappy right now.

This may not need to be said to you because you seem very dedicated to your marriage.

You do understand that you yourself are vulnerable to have an affair right now?

I only ask because all of the red flags i have seen you post. IE: Quote " I start to get the feeling that maybe he just doesnt want sex with 'me' .

You are showing one of your emotional needs,,, The feeling of being wanted.

Tell this to your husband, tell this to Marriage Builders but please do not tell this to A Male companion,, someone you may see as just a friend.
I know you may feel you can never stray but most wayward spouses also felt they could not stray.
Keep your windows closed to any male friends.
The feeling of being wanted can be overwhelming given the right circumstances.

Just a precaution,,, not a judgement

The internet can surely be abused. This is the trap I fell into. When my wife was not meeting all of my emotional needs (all her time with our children)I turned to a adult intenet chat room for companionship. This led me to the position I am in now, struggling to save my marriage and family that means more to me than life itself. People, please keep your spouses off of these sites. Adlut friend finder is full of escorts (prostitutes). No place for a husband to be!

SD, My H also had a personal ad running on the website you mentioned. If you are talking about Adult Friend Finder, it is a website purely to arrange sexual encounters. My H also said it was just for fun and he would never meet anyone in person. I do not know the truth, but I monitor what he does on the computer now. He is limited to the web access on his cell phone, which I can't trace, but I assume he is chatting.

Does your H explain why he is advertising on a sex website if he is not into sex? (I'd bet anything it has nothing to do with you!) In our case, my H was excited by the attention and the ability to have sexual experiences without any of the intimacy. We are still struggling, as I am way more interested in marriage building than he, but I too recommend counseling, especially if you are going to have a long distance marriage soon.

One of our new practices is that H comes to bed within a reasonable time and we spend time just talking or watching TV or ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I too felt that there was something wrong with me because he sought out the other women. The only thing wrong was that I wasn't a stranger. He HAD to be intimate with me and that is a problem for him. Read all the articles on this website, they can really help.

Thank you all for your responses. I agree that alot of times I feel unhappy, not with my husband necessarily, but with the fact that I just feel unwanted sexually. I feel like I can just never be good enough or up to par to give him what he wants. I agree I"m not the image of perfection, but I also don't feel I'm quite so bad physically looing, however alot of times my self image gets shot down to the ground when I get shunned away for sex or certain affection. My husband's response is always, well you know i just dont show affection well and dont like to be so touchy feely.
I guess its a good thing I really dont' have male friends, because although I know in my heart I could never cheat on him, I guess I wouldnt know unless I was in that situation.
I am quite nervous right now, I just found a marriage therapy counserlor earlier and just made an appt with her for me and my husband to see her tomorrow. He agreed to go with me to make me happy, I just really hope all this is salvagable and that counseling really will be a savior and not put us any further into dispair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi there, I thought I'd give a little update on what's going on with me and hubby. Well I think it was what, about a week and a half ago now that we went to the first counseling session. We got into a huge argument right before going because he really didn't want to go anymore, he says he's been to docs before and they have never helped. Well he had no choice, we went, and after it I unfortunately wasn't sure either anymore how much this lady was really gonna help us, basically we talked about stuff we already knew. After that appointment we got into another huge fight, he lost his patience and I was just beyond emotional. I don't even remember what we said exactly, basically same thing we'd been fighting about the whole time before. He said he was just tired of going over the same crap over and over again and he was ready to just give up. That the whole website thing was a big mistake, that he never 'really' signed up because its a pay website and he didnt give any personal info and he didn't mean to even have interaction with anyone to begin with. That I was digging too deep into this when it wasnt necessary. Well, we stood quiet for a while. finally I told him if he just wanted to go to dinner so we could get out of the house. He said ok in a little while. I fell asleep in the room and he went to the living room, about an hour later I felt him come into the room when I was sleeping and he hugged me from behind and told me if I was ready for dinner. I said ok, got my stuff and we went. I was just so drained by the point, I had a huge headache, and like him, just arguing constantly about this made me very unhappy. So the whole dinner we didnt even bring up the subject, we talked about other stuff. It was a very calm dinner, we even laughed and joked around. Then we came home, and just went to bed. Well the next day he had his interview for the job. When I came home from work, he was happy because he got the job and everything seemed normal again. I decided to play the counseling thing by ear and make another appt if I felt we needed it. But since then he has been nothing but the sweetest person. He's been thoughtful and affectionate on the daily. I am feeling pretty good about things right now because it feels like it did before. We have been intimate several times since then now and he's been very sweet about it, and has initiated most of the times. But I can't help but feel weary on the inside. Like maybe this is just a band-aid and we didnt really solve anything. But at the same time, I am scared to bring any old stuff back up again because it just seems irrelevant now, and that would only irritate him and me all over again for no reason. And at the same time I can't help but also feel like something is gonna happen again and this is just temporary. I don't really know what to think ya know? Should I just let things be as they are for now and just see where it goes?