Hello everyone,
I've been reading posts all week but this is my first time posting. A week and a half ago I accidentally discovered that my husband had set up a secret e-mail account and wrote to an escort service "provider" asking to meet with her. I also discovered that he had been frequenting strip clubs and drinking heavily when he travelled on business. When I confronted him he confessed everything. He said that ever since he got into the sales division of his company a year ago and has been doing extensive travelling, that he has been living this lifestyle of drinking, smoking, going to strip clubs and bars, and that one time he had sex with a prostitute in his hotel room.

My husband and I have been married 14 years and have three young children. We are both Christians who had never slept with anyone else before we were married. We lived a very clean lifestyle and I thought that I knew him. To find out that he has done these things is so utterly shocking that I don't know how I will ever get over it. He says that it had nothing to do with me, that he regrets everything and will never do any of it again, that he loves me and our children and is grateful to me for giving him a second chance. He has begun seeing a Christian counsellor and reading a lot of books to help.

I am just so devastated. I guess my life up until now has been pretty happy and sheltered, and I have never been so wounded and crushed. I hardly even have the heart to be angry. I still can't understand how my husband, my best friend, the man I trusted implicitly and who I thought I knew everything about, could do this.

We have been very close since this happened, talking a lot with lots of intimacy. I don't know if I have forgiven him yet, though, or how I ever will. I don't know if this almost physical ache in my heart will ever go away. Worst of all, I can't ever tell anyone about this. Our families would be almost as devastated as I am, and I don't think that my family could ever forgive him. I'm too humiliated to tell my friends.

I feel that he is getting off too easy in all of this. I don't know exactly what I would like to see happen, but all I know is that I am suffering intensely every day, and that he is mostly relieved and happy that I am staying with him and that he still has his family, and that no one will ever find out.

Just wanted to talk to people who can understand. Thanks for listening.

Crushed,,,

I am sorry to hear of your husbands shocking double lifestyle.

Even though right now everything seems negative there are some positives as well.

First when confronted your husband came clean and even admitted a one night stand.
Therapist say this is a sure sign of regret and a wanting to change.

How did he do this to you,,,, only he can answer that. I would bet the distance between each other when he was traveling set the stage for his infidelity.

Telling the Family,,,, if you know it will create a maper in your healing and recovery then leave them out of it.

Thoughts of revenge.... this is natural. You want your husband to hurt over his actions as well.

I can tell you from experience this will not help your marriage and will do nothing to ease your pain.

Do you feel that your husband is not in any pain at all?
I would bet he is,, he is embarrassed, humiliated, and dragging that heavy bag of guilt. Is his pain as great as yours?.. Well in an affair it is well known the betrayed spouse suffers a trauma that is more difficult to recover from.

You and him are talking,,, thats great... but I bet there are tons of resentment feelings pouring out of you when you talk sometimes.
A good Counselor can help. Christian counseling may be right up your alley.

Avoid hasty decisions and talk here as much as you like.

My sympathies,,,

Hello S$C,
I am very familiar with the world you Husband got himself into. This was also my downfall. In todays age of the internet it is so very easy to find prostitutes all across the U.S. For a fee they will fill that emotional need that he is lacking. It becomes an addiction that you can't stop. The attention these girls shower on you makes you feel alive again. Get yourselves into counceling, with the right help this can be fixed. Go out and buy the book "surviving an affair" I believe it can be bought here on marriage builders. Until you can aquire it read all you can here. Good luck!

You are not alone in this. We are here for you. Please post here often about your feelings it helps. All the things Eric said are right on and real good advice. What you need now is some solid pro marriage counseling. Read the literature on this site and order some of the books. I would recommend "Surviving an Affair" for starters. It will give you insight into why this happened. Also you will want to get "His Needs Her Needs". Both are by Dr. Harley and both will help you understand better. Ask your H to read them as well.

I know the pain and the physical/mental unrest that you feel. It will get better with time. If your family will not understand then not telling them is the best answer. This only has to be between you, your H, and God. Please read through the site and this forum. Order the books and above all take care of yourself.

C.