I'm having a hard time today. I was doing fine but then when my son came home and we were doing his homework I just looked at him and thought....poor kid, his little world is in turmoil.
After we were done and he went out to play..I just lost it!!!!!! I can't stop crying. I'm just so hurt and scared! I don't want to be alone! I fear the day my H files for DV. I just don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I know I shouldn't even thnk about that but it's hard not to.
Any suggestions on any books I can read....besides the ones on this site about saving marriage. I'm looking for books on healing for me! Any good ones?????

I'm not quite sure of any books you can read but I can send a wave of mental support your way. Believe me I know this is a hard time for us but we can get through. Just remember you have to be strong for your son. My DD are what make me be able to keep going everyday knowing that they need me to be stable and strong in their delicate little worlds. So try, as hard as I know it is, to look at the bright side of things. The sun will still shine tomorrow. I know I don't have much to offer but I'm new here. Hopefully someone more experienced can give you more assistance.

Thanks coasterride..
I'm trying very hard to stay strong for my son. He is a very sensitive child. I guess maybe one reason I'm feeling so down today is that I will be seeing my H tonight at my son's ball practice. I'm nervous!! I don't know why!!!!

Trying to look on the bright side!!

Hang in there TR. I know exactly how you are feeling. I'll keep you in my prayers and send some positive energy your way.

I can't think of any good books off the top of my head. Most of what I have been reading revolve around marriage saving as well.

Tree - A couple I've read are "How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days, by Bronson & Riley, "How to Ment a Broken Heart, by Koman, and The Grief Recovery Book, by I forget.

Here is an exerpt from "How to Mend a Broken Heart":

She writes "Cultivate detachment. Separate your needs from your wants. Wanting and needing are two different things. The intensity of your wants may, in fact, thwart your efforts to attain what you desire. Everything is a process. Remind yourself that whatever happens, you'll survive-you're strong and you stand on your own two feet. If the relationship or job you want doesn't work out, you'll still survive. You're an independant person. You aren't at the mercy of other people's whims. You're comptetent and resourceful within yourself, so you'll survive no matter what."

Hang in there, girl. Your days will get MUCH better. Promise.

Try to relax a bit before the practice. Listen to some soothing music, meditate, think about a bright sunny place, whatever it takes to help you relax. You can then try to put on your best front at the practice when you see your H. Try to look your best. Show your H what he could have. I don't know your story so I hope this is a good suggestion. Anyway taking care of yourself is always good so try to do this and relax and support your son at his practice. good luck!!

TR, it's understandable to be nervous. Your worried he'll say something, or that he'll say nothing. Whatever happens, it won't make you feel better. Try to avoid situations that will cause you pain. Watch your son, not you WH.

When I first found out about my STBX Affair, everytime I saw my kids I would tear up.

My WW states, they'll get over it, she even told me the divorce would be good for the kids. She is so self centered it is obscene. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> She is doing it for everyone's good... we just don't understand it yet. Blah blah blah...

I know your putting Son in some counseling, it might not hurt to get a few sessions for yourself. Just to get your strength back. Your husbands betrayal has taken more from you than you probably realize.

It will take time to heal, don't rush it. Occupy your time with the things you like to do. Paint, shop, take up a new hobby... something you wanted to do but couldn't or wouldn't before. Doing something constructive and creative is good therapy for a betrayed heart.

Good Luck TR. Smile alot tonight.

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 07:37 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

TR,
We're in the same boat. Healing takes time, and everyone's advice here is good. Take care of you and stay strong is important, though tough to do. Honestly, I think it all starts with forgiveness. I wish you the best...

Tree - I'm sorry your having such a bad day, but I've been following your posts and it seems that the bad days are becoming fewer and farther between. I think you can read all the books in the world, but it is time that will help you heal. I can tell by your posts that you are getting stronger everyday and will get through this. My heart goes out to you and your son. We will all be thinking about you tonight at practice, just look your beautiful self and let him (and everyone else) see what a fool he is to let such a great catch go!

Thanks for the responses. I am going to look my best tonight and just focus on my son.

I hate when I have these days. I was doing ok yesterday!

I start thinking of all the things that my H was doing while I thought our lives were good. It's just painful!

I guess another thing that added to all this today is that my SIL called and invited me and my son to a family b-day dinner at a restaraunt in the same area where my H was spending time with OW. I know my H will be at this dinner also. I told her I had plans already but would let her know. I don't think I could handle being around his entire family and not sitting near him and on top of that being in that part of town. Ugghhhg
What should I do????

My in-laws have also invited me to family events, I just don't feel comfortable going so I don't go. There is no need for me to go and do something that is going to make me feel uncomfortable. Would you be able to send your son? I'd hate to see him miss out on a family party.

That's what I was just thinking. I'll probably just send my son with him.
I talked to my friend and she invited me to go to dinner and a movie that night.
It would be too hard for me to be around his family. His mother snapped at me yesterday and I don't think I want to be around them anyway. They all seem to support what he is doing.

Send son, go to movies with girlfriend, and then go howl at the moon. That place sounds so interesting. What is it that people do there?

Howl at the Moon is a dueling Piano Bar, with audience participation sing alongs. After a few drinks... you do howl at the moon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

They are modeled after Pat O'Briens in New Orleans. That place is real crazy, if you drink their Hurricains, please practice moderation. They go down easy and woooohooooo. I've seen more than one person passed out at thier table in the middle of the afternoon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Well, went to son's baseball practice and did good. I looked good and smiled and laughed a lot. When I got home I had a hard time though. I broke down. It was really hard for me! I guess I'm not good at acting!
The other coach even said how thin I had gotten and how great I looked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
My friends all said so too. Nice to hear!

Why can't I just move on and end this pain? I can't stand it anymore!!!! I really can't!!!!!

My H also just emailed me asking me what time he should pick up our son tomorrow. He just seems so at peace and calm to me. Why??????? How can he be so calm in this tornado that we're living??? I just don't get it!!!!

I don't think he really is that calm. My guess is that he is just as good an actor, if not better, then you are. It's so easy to think that we are the only ones suffering but I really don't think that's the case.

I guess you're probably right. He's probably acting like he's fine. He really doesn't look so good. He looks ill to me. My friends said the same thing tonight. Weird!!!

It is just eating me up inside that he is leaving me for someone else. I just can't get over it. I've always been so good to him and always given him all my love. He eve told me that I loved him too much....I didn't know you could...I just don't understand!!!!
He told me 2 months ago that in the end he wanted to grow old with me but he's just not happy....well then why didn't he want to work on the M? I just don't get it. Everything he says to me just doesn't add up! Why is he in such a hurry to get a DV and get his name off of the house? Ugghhhh!

TreeReich,

I am sorry you are hurting. As far as healing goes, I don't have a specific recommendation for a book. But almost anything by Joyce Meyer would be good. She is very straightforward. Do a Google on her name and read the titles of the books. If one jumps out at you, it is a good bet the book will be good for you. She is really good about not coming up with mystic, fancy titles.

Also, look at her from a biographical standpoint. Her childhood was HORRIBLE and she turned out well. I don't mean to belittle what you fear for your children because of all this, but it helps to put it in perspective. They CAN survive it and turn out well. Kind of gets rid of some panic.

On to your kids... You said this on your second post to this thread.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm trying very hard to stay strong for my son. He is a very sensitive child.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you? (Hopefully, the hairs on the back of your neck are rising to my challenge right now.) Are you really being strong for your son?

Stop and check yourself - is he REALLY a sensisitve child, or is he BECOMING a sensitive child because those are the words his mother is speaking over him?

By all means, be mad at me if you want, but it is too crucial of an issue for you NOT to do a gut-check on yourself. Especially in times of turmoil. Our kids tend to become what we speak over them, so watch what you say. Our kids tend to hear MUCH more than we think they do.

If he is wounded over something, I am not saying tell him "Don't be so sensitive." (With the nagging mom-voice we all grew to hate). Of course you should comfort him. Just WATCH what you say in general conversation. He wants to please mom. He LOVES mom. If he gets the notion that you want him to be overly sensitive OR that he will get more attention if he "rises to the challenge" of all the flaws you speak over him, guess where he will be?

If you and the H split, you have a tough road ahead raising a boy as a single mom. In that case, I would recommend "Parenting with Dignity" by Mac Bledsoe. It is perhaps the most practical guide on what it means to parent a kid and get them through the pitfalls of life that I have ever read.

NCWalker

How can he be so calm in this tornado that we're living???

Because he is the tornado. That's why.

Pep

Hi...only time will heal your pain...there is no short cut. You should get the book "Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. You are at that point where you still have the fear of letting go so i think this book will help you understand.

Time will heal...just hang in there.