Tree

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your son, during my first marriage I went through some of what you are experiencing (sp?), the book that I read was Co-Dependent No More, it really helped me because I was dependent on my XH for my happines, and self-worth. Ironically when I became stronger and started to take care of myself and my children, basically went on with my life, worked on becoming finiancially secure without him he wanted to come back home and work on the marriage, unfortunately it was too late. He still tells me after being divorced for 12 years that he should have never let me and the children go. I just want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, try to focus on yourself, not what and why your husband is doing this, he will have to answer for his actions and believe me it will be sooner than later (Karma).

Also read the book recommended Love Must Be Tough by James Dodson, Pep recommended it to me when I first posted here, and I am almost finished reading, it has helped me, now I just need some advice of where to go from here, and I will be asking all MB's for help. Take baby steps, each hour, each day, each week, it does get easier, and Pray, pray, pray, pray, sometimes God allows situations in our life for our greater good, focus on what your greater good might be. Take Care.

(((((((Tree and Son)))))))

HO

Hurtin,

I don't necessarly believe co-dependence is a bad thing. For to people to rely on each other, have expectations of each other, and depend on each other seems an ideal marriage.

I think the whole rejection of co-dependance actually hurts marriages. You become two separate individuals sharing a house instead of two people who become one in life and love.

Now I do no not want you to get the idea that being needy and dependant on your spouse to provide everything for you ... from finances to happiness to entertainment is a good thing. But that is not co-dependance.

If you reject co-dependance in a marriage you relagate yourself to no more than being roomates.

JMHO

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 15, 2004, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> computer going crazy....

<small>[ September 15, 2004, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

I've responded three times and get kicked off everytime. TomJoad...I guess I'm having the same thing you are with the computer problem..
I'll write later....ughghghghghgg

I've responded three times and get kicked off everytime. TomJoad...I guess I'm having the same thing you are with the computer problem..
I'll write later....ughghghghghgg

Tom,
Thanks for the correction <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , I guess I saw some similarity to my pervious marriage and wanted to share what a counselor recommended to me, did not mean to point Tree in the wrong direction.

Tree,
listen to TomJoad, I am a newbie here, and I am learning as I go, that is why I lurk more than I post, just wanted to reach out to let you know you and your son are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hope you are doing better today.

((((Tree))))
Hurtinone

Hi Tree,
You don't see me around here much, but I used to be a regular and I started here in Feb. 03 under another identity!
I still lurk often and your post hit me because I remember those same feelings!
D-Day for me was 20 mos. ago, I finally had to file for D for financial reasons, yet i've never given up hope for reconciliation....However, I'm going to post here something I posted somewhere else that explains where I am today compared to even 6 mos. ago!
Time does help, counseling does help, reading, posting and sharing does help. Following the principles does help. Whether you recover your marriage or not, personal recovery does happen and while it doesn't seem possible for either right now you have to stay the course....
Here is that post...hope it helps...and I'm sending good thoughts your way....

Title: How far have I come?

I occasionally have a moment, barely a moment, between soccer practices, football games, 8th grade class trip meetings, Project Graduation Meetings, Parent/Athlete meetings, harvesting & canning, mowing the grass, the obligatory 15 minute reading time w/5 yr.old and oh yeah, my job, to think about how far I've come in the past 21 mos.

Sometimes, I feel like I haven't budged at all! I still think about WH, EVERY day, that much hasn't changed.
BUT, I don't get that gut-wrenching, my world is falling away, feeling that I used to get. It's more of a sad, nostalgic, "what a waste", feeling....and it just doesn't leave me in a puddle of tears anymore (weelll, ok, sometimes).

I still haven't totally given up on the fantasy of reconciliation, even at this late date and despite everything that WH continues to "put us through".
Yet, it's not that desperate, "he just HAS to come back, he HAS to!" feeling that it used to be.

I know that if I got this far, through the worst of it, I'll be ok in the long haul.

I'm beginning to think more along the lines of, "I deserve so much more, I need to learn to balance out the "giver" in me with just a bit more "taker". That's a tough one for me.

I haven't set goals for myself, but need to do that, I've been too busy doing the "one day at a time" thing for so long, that I've kind of lost sight of anything long term.

So, things to consider: Return to school?, Start a business?, Excercise, no question there, I HAVE to!, Time for Spiritual Exploration, Time for Creative Projects, something I used to love(quilting, x-stitch) and have long since abandoned! I want to start knitting and learn to Spin!

So, overall, even though I'm not "over him", I can't measure how far I've come by that alone because I may never be over him! I won't ever stop missing the Man he used to be and looking in amazement at who he is now.

I want to be more amazed at who I am NOW!

It's how I deal with the challenges and look to the future and take better care of ME and cherish the time with my kids, (because I have learned how quickly things can change!)

I'm learning to be "alone" vs. "lonely". I don't want to "need" someone else in my life to be happy.
I want to accept my single life as a gift, a chance for new beginnings, new adventures and growth instead of a "sentence for whatever crimes I must have committed".

It's all about shifting focus....I'm shifting...slowly but surely...when I really think about it....I've come a long way...

Hurtin....don't apologize. I appreciate everyones advice and listen to it carefull! Thanks fo rthe thougths and hugs too.

shugah....thanks for sharing your story. I hope I will get to that point in time. I am finding that I miss the man I married and not the man who he is now. I don't want the man that he is at this time. It's almost like a death. I am mourning the man that I once knew. I truly miss him and wish he could come home....not the man he is now but the one I married.
Thank you for the kind thoughts and I will keep moving aheahd and trying to take care of ME.

Hurtin, now you have me feeling bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Which believe it or not, ... is easy to do. I was just sharing an opinion and a view, didn't mean for you to percieve it as an attack.

You have to keep posting, and share what you have. This board is like a big pot-luck dinner. Everyone brings a little something to the table, It makes for a great feast of knowledge and ideas.

Plus like Shugah espressed, Posting is good therapy. It'll make you feel good to get your thoughts and feelings out there.

Healing takes time. If anyone remembers my first posts ... oh am I embarrassed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm sure some people, if they knew my address, would have sent some fellows in white coats carrying straight-jackets to get me. I have never felt so terrible, so worthless, so humiliated, so utterly BETRAYED, in my life. I could not have imagined that those emotions and feelings even existed out there in the universe. Unless it has happened to you, people can not say, "I can imagine how you feel." They just can't do it!

But now after 4 months, I am moving ahead, in better control, making plans. Am I healed - no way. The knife is still in my back, I haven't even got it out yet, but I will heal. And I'll have a nasty painful scar to carry with me. But I'll be fine. Starting even to look forward to it.

Hurtin, now you have me feeling bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Which believe it or not, ... is easy to do. I was just sharing an opinion and a view, didn't mean for you to percieve it as an attack.

You have to keep posting, and share what you have. This board is like a big pot-luck dinner. Everyone brings a little something to the table, It makes for a great feast of knowledge and ideas.

Plus like Shugah espressed, Posting is good therapy. It'll make you feel good to get your thoughts and feelings out there.

Healing takes time. If anyone remembers my first posts ... oh am I embarrassed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm sure some people, if they knew my address, would have sent some fellows in white coats carrying straight-jackets to get me. I have never felt so terrible, so worthless, so humiliated, so utterly BETRAYED, in my life. I could not have imagined that those emotions and feelings even existed out there in the universe. Unless it has happened to you, people can not say, "I can imagine how you feel." They just can't do it!

But now after 4 months, I am moving ahead, in better control, making plans. Am I healed - no way. The knife is still in my back, I haven't even got it out yet, but I will heal. And I'll have a nasty painful scar to carry with me. But I'll be fine. Starting even to look forward to it.

TomJ...
My thoughts exactly!!! I still have the knife in my back too and it keeps getting pushed in further and further.
I know in time I will heal too.....we all will!

Hurtin...keep posting. It will help you!!!!

hi tree....my WH is acting like yours. He is so calm in all this mess he has created.

WH was here the other day. Read my post if you want to find out what happened. Its called "Plan B broken, L/B's/DJ's were a flyin"

I cant stress enough to you and everyone here, how Plan B does help YOU!!! It really does.

I was really doing well, until he showed up.

I know its practically impossible when you have a young S, but i beleive going dark is the best thing.

My WH now has got so much info about stuff around here (roofing/insulation, etc.). He has seen me, talked with me, see the dog, and been in his home.

In my opinion now he has gotten his fix and is good for a while. So now i need to really make sure i dont break Plan B (even though it was him who broke it) cause i can see he cant really sever his ties to us. He cant even see it, but i can.

When i look what i just wrote, heck maybe i am in denial. I am just back to hurting so much again from his visit 2 days ago.

Your H sounds so much like mine. Lets just move on and be pals, yeah right. Im not gonna be your pal, urrgggggg!!!

Read my post if you get a chance, you will get all the nasty details of his visit.

Its too bad, that you cant do a really dark plan B. It would help you for sure, tree.

I really wish i had some good advice, i am myself at a loss for whats going on. I rely so much on others here. They are so helpful and wise, dont know what i would do without them.

Please hang in there, I will be praying for you and your darling son.

A/C0810