Jet,

Your not crazy....just human. The emotions ARE overwhelming and all over the board. It IS a rollercoaster and gives you a helpless, out of control feeling. Not many will ever understand unless they have been through it.

Hang in there and know you have friends here who understand and won't shoot you when you are already wounded...in fact, bleeding to death (at least that's how it feels).

God, give us strength to simply walk out Today... maybe just the strength to walk out the next hour...then the next...then the next.

I am so glad Paul wrote Romans 7:14-25. He understood the intensity of the struggle.

Good luck! We are praying for you.

2scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2scared:
<strong> Jet,

I am so glad Paul wrote Romans 7:14-25. He understood the intensity of the struggle.

Good luck! We are praying for you.

2scared </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Adding my prayers here as well. There will be a time when it isn't so hard- I promise. Hang in there.

jetgirl:

Let me get this straight - you've never told your H? Six years? Any you say you love him?

So, while you've been in this A, you've been wasting his time. That's six years of his life that he'll never get back. Six years of you deceiving him, leading him to believe things weren't as bad as they are in your M. Six years where he's thought you two were making love, but you were doing "duty" and thinking of OM just to get through it.

You've robbed him of six years of his life.

I think you have to tell him, for 3 reasons:

1. He deserves to know. He is, after all, a human being worthy of that dignity and respect.

2. If you can keep this secret from him, you are giving him to keep secrets from you. You are giving him permission to go and do whatever he wants without regard for you, including having sex with other women. He can put anyone else in his life ahead of you. And, you know what? You can't say a damn thing about any of it. You have given up your right to be upset or hurt or angry, because you have taken away his.

Not only that, you can never, ever be forgiven for this, because you have not forgiven him for transgressions against you. It sounds like you had this A in part to punish him for his neglect of you. Now, by that logic he can go on punishing you for this, for ever and ever.

3. Do you think your H is man enough for you? He may well be your rock and foundation to get through this. Give your H the chance to demonstrate that he is man enough for you.

Whether you like to admit it or not, you owe your H. You owe him for six years of lies and deceipt, you owe him for the lost opportunities than and in the future. If you'd left him back when you first met OM, he could have gone on to meet someone else, someone with whom he could have had an honest and fair R with. Instead, you sacrificed his right to the pursuit of happiness for your own.

Even if you didn't tell him, I think you owe him - big time. You have to make up for the deceit and the lost time, because you never gave him the choice of deciding to participate. You owe him restitution.

Jetgirl,

I agree with Uphill. You have to tell your H.

I notice that you haven't addressed the issue of telling him. Every post to you has advised you to tell him. Why are you holding back? You haven't even given us a reason. Do you know the reason?

I wish my FWH had told me instead of the way I found out. You don't want him to find out from someone else. It will be even harder. I know it will be hard to do, I can't even imagine the strength it takes to confess something like this, but you will never be able to get past the guilt and shame if you do not let it out. Read the books suggested on this site. Torn Asunder, Not Just Friends, and His Needs, Her Needs. I think there is a specific example in Torn Asunder that addresses a one night stand that was never disclosed. The couple lived as a married couple for the rest of their lives with the H harboring his secret. He and his H were never close again but of course the W never fully understood why. What a sad life they both must have had. And I'm sure there are many people who live their lives and die with the same type of secrets. Do you want to be one of them? What kind of legacy is that for your children? My FWH says that the fog is awful and withdrawal is awful. I never knew how much strength I had or even how deeply I loved him until this. I have found the strength to help him and me through this ordeal. Your H should have the choice to rebuild with you. I know you are afraid of his reaction, but you don't have a choice--you must give him a chance.

Tell Him! This secret, even after you end all contact, will haunt you for the rest of your life. Not to mention, that as a BS your H deserves the respect of your confession. You must ask for his forgiveness then do everything you can to restore your marriage.

Just my thoughts this morning.

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: naivegirl ]</small>

Hey, my gangreen FL "bud"!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just want someone to grab me by the shoulders and shake me...something to slap me up side the head.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remember that old Toyota commercial:
(music in) "You asked for it, you got it..."

Really, I'm not that old! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK, I am a FWH...been there...if you want your M to work, you need to understand some things.

I have a jetgirl63 collage for you:

First:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
My girlfriends help me with NC...they listen to me blah blah about him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My girlfrind says I should change my cell tomorrow. I was hesitant...she called me on it--because I still want contact with OM.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have (what sounds like) good, stable friends. That's rare, even in an A. Hold onto her (them). You are hearing her/MB, but not listening.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't remember what life is like without the addiction.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you are still addicted. I didn't have a "full" withdrawal (what you read about here and some of what you are going through); mine was physchological (I had an EA), which IMHO, was even worse. (I am also a recovering gambler.) So, yes, I know all about addictions. IMHO, the only way to stop an addiction *IS* cold turkey, with IC. Stop trying to ween yourself--it doesn't work. It doesn't.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tomorrow is a new day.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BUT *NOW* IS NOW!!!!!!! You know the serenity prayer? You can't change the past; you can't predict the future. However, you *YOU* have full control over choices you make in the here and now. (As a disclaimer, don't forget, the choices you make *NOW* will help mold the future.)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...i read all the bs's posts...the pain is unbelievable...and i contribute to that?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes--you need to fully understand this. And by continuing the path you are on, the choices you are making, the pain will only get deeper and deeper.
I've been told (haven't experienced it myself) that if one has sucha deep, severe wound, the pain turns to numbness. Like a leg injury, for example. The wound becomes numb, and soon after, amputation. Years down the road, that person feels for the leg that is no longer there. They have the phenomenon where they think the leg is still there; still feel the pain years later. And the leg never really healed, did it? It was just taken away. Much like what can happen to a M. (Maybe Cymanca or ol2 could give specifics about that analogy and what happens physically.)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'm trying to get to the place where i think of the om as scum, or a bad example of a man. i wish i was there already</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU CAN *NOT* THINK OF IT THIS WAY, IMHO! You can't see it this way, not now at least. Because you are still (whether you admit it or not) still involved with this man. Until you have absolutely *NO* *NADA* *NEIN* *NYET* *ETC* NC, you are still involved. How 'bout working on a place better for you and your M first? I promise, if this happens, you *will* think of the OM as pond scum.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suppose it was an EA, though I didn't know that then. Totally blind. He had had 3 other A. Why was he still married? We talked about his M, my M. A year later it turned to a PA. I crossed the line. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you want to become the person I think you want to become; if you respect your H and M, which you have said you do; if you want to have the possibility of saving and rebuilding your M:
THEN YOU NEED TO STOP JUSTIFYING WHAT YOU ARE DOING! There is *NO* *NADA* (OK, you get the picture! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) for what you are doing. During the EA, it became a conscious decision/choice of your yours to continue what you were doing. You are now at another stage where you again have enough consciousness left where you *NEED* to make another concious decision.
Saying that it is tough, and an addiction, and totally blind...yeah, they are all true. WHO SAID MARRIAGE DOESN"T REQUIRE HARD WORK?!?!?
*ANY* affair doesn't require work. There's really no "strings" attached; you don't "have to" answer to anybody; it's "easy" during an A. Sure, there may have been problems in the M--but it's not a justification for an A.
Ah, I said "you don't 'have to' answer to anybody." Sorta contradicted myself. At bare minimum, one person: *YOU*. Is this the way you want to see your kids picturing their Mom? Is this the way you want your H seeing you? I know it's not the way your friends want to see you--they have already expressed that. (Good for them.) And unless you are atheist or agnostic, you need to answer to your god.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's been through 4 A with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I changed my mind: this man *IS* pond scum. You knew that. You are just another trophy in his mental rolodex of the "Affair Hall of Shame."

Do you really think this predator gives a $hit about you? FOUR AFFAIRS and his wife. It is very apparent that he doesn't care about anybody but himself.

You are at the here and now, jet. Yes, it *WILL* hurt your H. He *WILL* be in pain. But like with any decision, you need to weigh out the pros and cons. A dose of reality is reading all of the BS on MB and finding out, yes, there are some that the pain is so much, they don't want to rebuild. But the far greater majority are working diligently to rebuild again. They would do anything to get that one more chance. And they were the ones betrayed. Kinda ironic. They haven't been given a chance to rebuild by their "fogged" out, no NC spouses.

You have this opportunity now. Your choice, your free will. *NOW*. There are no guarantees. Except to get out of this bad situation and better yourself. And maybe even better your M too.

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 09:27 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

Jetgirl,

Just in case you didn't see it this morning, here is a link to some great info for you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=010715

Check it out if you haven't already.

don't just hope jetgirl, make a plan!!!

and i would start with changing that number, and you can block emails from him, right?? i have mine set up such that i wont even know if he tries, i turned logging off. it is hard to do, i know that. but it is possible!!! take some step.

of course the biggest step you can take is to confess to your H. that will sure change EVERYTHING!!! then you and H could send a NC letter to OM.

personally I could not go that route, i had to get some distance estabilshed between me and OM before I could confess. for me that meant i was not physically with him for many months (ok 4 months, maybe that does not sound like many but for me it was, considering what the 2 1/2 yrs had been like prior to those 4 months). we did have some contact, email, phone. posting here kept me strong, kept me from seeing him again, then i confessed in march.

still there were a few more contacts that happened, again nothing physical, just on the phone, by then i had already filtered out any email and OM knew it. in July i finally managed to send a strong NC message to OM. one that I am fairly certain he will abide by. OM already knew i had confessed. i told him i would tell my H of any contact and have my H call him back if he were to contact me again. my voice shook when i told him, but i did it. OM didn't like the idea of me saying i would tell H who he was, told me that was not necessary, my response was a very strong "this has got to STOP, whatever it takes", and the call ended. and that is when true NC started for me.

JL always talked to me about getting a plan. it was frustrating to me because i couldn't figure out where to start. i think i am finally starting to figure it out. watch the "autumnday" topic or maybe a new topic from me if you want to see continueing details.

it is a process jetgirl, just start moving in the right direction and have faith that if you do, you will figure it out along the way. that is what i am doing.

i look forward to seeing more posts from you.

HI LINY!! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OK, I am a FWH </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">wow, i thought for sure i thought you were a female!!! great post to jetgirl.

Jetgirl,

I understand where you are, I have not told my H either and honestly OM has broken the contact. I have just ""stopped"" trying to make contact w/ him for 10 dys. It does get easier. Are you staying really busy @ work ect? I find the busier I am the better I am getting thru the day and I keep telling myself if I can make it just a few more weeks I will be over this... that is my hope...
I have sorta been through this before w/ OM... only we end up trying to be "friends" and eventually EA again. I can say that after some "time" (in the past) it has gone away.

I understand how this can go on for 6 years, when you have it rough at home you 'escape' with out 'escaping' that being said I can see that is why we must 'tell' our BS. There is no way to "fix" the entire problem, there is a reason you had the affair and that reason is your messed up M, there is no way to 'force' the BS to look at all the problems w/o exposing the A. If not I know I will end up right where I am in another EA w/ someone who will listen and be empathetic

it is already starting w/ another 'man' who is trying to confide in me about his M. I have been totally avoiding him and finally told him it was inappropriate to talk like this that it would end up in an EA and it hurtz.... That I can not see him or spend time around him unless we were with other people and I couldnt listen to his M problems.. sorry

Maybe the pain we feel is to teach us and someone else, if I can keep one more person from this horrible withdrawl then maybe it makes some sense...

Heard a great speaker last night at a Youth gathering "God loves us for who we are, not all the crap we do" "He already knew you were gonna screw up when he died, and he still did it"

Hey FL! Hmmmm...not sure how I should take that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

jetgirl,

You are waffling. I don't mean to be mean, but if you are nosing around here looking for approval that SOME steps are better than no steps, you have come to the wrong place.

I have been unclear in my thinking (not in an A, I am the FS, but in other issues) and sometimes a clear, sharp voice of reason is needed. It has helped me in the past.

You have likened this as a cancer. If I was your doctor and told you I was going to cut out MOST of your tumor because I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable, what would you say to me?

You have FIRSTHAND knowledge of how incidental male/female contact can lead to HORRIBLE DANGEROUS RISKY choices. Yet you are not severing ties with someone who has strong emotional and soul ties to you. DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. You are holding a rattlesnake by the tail and justifying it because the teeth are in the other end and it's not looking at you right now. Let it GO. No, FLING it away.

******

jetgirl and tea42,

HAVEN'T TOLD YOUR HUSBANDS YET???

Ladies, that is your call and I don't know your situations. But I heard about it from my FWW. She confessed it to me. And I can tell you this, if I had found out ANY other way, it would have been over. But that's just me. I'm kind of funny about things like honesty.

If YOUR spouse was cheating, who would YOU want to hear it from?

You ladies are not bad people, you have just done a bad thing. It CAN be forgiven. It CAN make you stronger. If you take the opportunity to let it.

NCWalker

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hey FL! Hmmmm...not sure how I should take that! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it's a COMPLIMENT, of course!!! now if you were female and i thought you were male..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ncwalker, uphill (and whoever else talked about how a confession should happen like yesterday),

ok, i know you are BSs and so I understand what you are saying, but I also know that getting oneself to a place where you are ready to confess is important to do. i also know that the amount of time needed to get to that spot should be as short as possible, but the point is, the fact that they are here and posting means they are trying to get there. i came here in dec, last physical contact was a month before that, it took me till march to confess, i'm glad i took that time, honestly, i think i was so much better able to handle everything because of that time. i was better able to help support H because I has established a support system here and i had learned so much. (i am still learning...)

HOWEVER..

jetgirl and tea.4.2,

it is risky!!! because i agree, having the BS find out on their own must be tremendously worse. still having the opportunity open to you to be the one that confess as opposed to being caught is a blessing, don't under-estimate just how much of a blessing that really is.

keep posting, and reading and learning, establish strong 100% NC, get stronger.

I agree with everything Finally Learning said. Although I wasn't your poster child for disclosure as it didn't happen until 3 years post-A it was vitally necessary that disclosure occur. And in my opinion, the sooner you can do it - the better. I KNOW that if my H had found out from anyone else we might well have ended up divorced.

Just letting you know that you aren't the only ones out there that have gone through this...

I knew there was a risk in posting my story...i was ready to hear both sides. I know that i didn't come here for approval to fence sit. never even thought of it like that! I do know i'm not ready to tell my husband tonight...i understand why every one wants me to change my cell, tell my h, change the e-mail. it all makes sense. one thing at a time, so you've said...

you guys sound so together, thats why i came here for advice. liny, your post reached me today. it made me think, and i read it twice, as all the replies i get. i am grateful that you took the time to help me! i'm grateful for everyone today. i am trying to take it all in...i do want to continue on being married, raising our family. that's why i came here.

jetgirl,

That is great. This IS an amazing forum as you get to hear all sides. Reading things from other FWW really helped me accept what mine was saying.

FL has some wisdom here. I did not mean rush home and tell him and I don't know the risk of your husband finding out. It should be done appropriately, as it is a big blow. Rushing home and telling him would be like spitefully telling him in a fight - no wisdom there.

As far as NC, however, that must be extreme and decisive. I myself made the mistake of letting my FWW "handle" that end of it for a time and it burned me. I was saying to myself that there was no way she could do that to me. Guess what, I was wrong. I took some bashing on the board for it, and they were right.

You have to cut this guy off NOW. You have to find someone to hold you accountable (who better than your husband, but if the timing is not right, your friend sounds like a gem). It is not worth the risk making it worse.

NCW

Jetgirl: I will try not to bash you with a 2x4, but you do need to work on a plan to tell your H. This is imperative if you hope to build a better marriage.

The fact you have come to this site shows me that you want to work on your M. There is a lot here that can help you (all the web articles in addition to this discussion forum). If you have a chance, I would recommend that you pick up the following books: Torn Assunder, Surviving an Affair, and His Needs-Her Needs. There are other good ones too.

One of the things you can start working on is how to tell your H. It won't be easy. Try to find a time when there is nothing pressing on the other side (kids, practices, meetings, etc.). You might want to printout this thread and give it to H, ask him to read it and tell him who you are. There are other options as well.

NCW said that he probably would have left his W if he didn't find out as he did. Everyone is different. I found out by reading my W's journal. (You can read my story in the link below.) My W told me that if I had found out 2-3 months prior, she probably would have just run off and left (maybe gone home to her Mom). Who really knows. What is important was that I found out and now we are working on our marriage.

Jetgirl, you have been given a lot of good advice. Time to pull out a pen and paper and put your plan in writing. It won't be easy (telling your H), but what you will hopefully eventually gain can be amazing. We wish you the best and will be praying for you.

Good luck,
RH

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: Recovering H ]</small>

hi jetgirl,

i didn't see your post from yesterday until just now. i certainly don't think you should rush into this!!!! but i do agree with ncwalker, strong, iron-clad NC must be established. for YOUR sake.

trust me i KNOW how hard it is to take steps to do this. because you are taking away a crutch you have been using for a long time. and it's SCARY!!!! you have needed it for so long and even now, knowing how bad it is, you still feel that need? am i right??

do take some time to digest everything before confessing but understand you cannot do that while OM is still in your life in anyway. you HAVE to protect yourself, you have to make it as close to impossible for contact to happen as possible. i had a hard enough time keeping myself from contacting let alone trying to ignore any contact he was trying to make. so i had to un-install instant messaging (but it took me many attempts as i would re-install and then un-install it, back and forth for a while), i had to filter him out of my email (WITHOUT logging!! again, i did this a few times just to remove the filter for a day or turn on logging and constantly check just to see if he sent anything), i tell you theses things not because i like to make myself look so unbelievable pathetic but to help you know you are NOT alone in this struggle!!!! I cannot begin to count up the amount of times we said goodbye!!! and EVERY time it hurt and i would grieve but then contact would occur and i would be back to square one. i would tease him about how we were getting better at saying goodbye, that one of these days we were going to manage to stay out of each others lives. we BOTH knew we were just addictions to each other. i'm not sure if the way we were so straight forward about it eventually helped us stop or just enabled us to continue longer.

all i know is i must keep NC forever now!!!

i changed my cell phone because my H insisted on that. the only thing i could not change was my work number. and that was how he contacted me in July. by then i was finally strong enough to (bearly) squweek out that this HAD TO STOP and that if he contacted me again, my H would be contacting him. that freaked him out enough.

all these steps were very hard to do, so don't get the wrong impression here, i am just as human as you. i was NO WHERE so "together" when i first started posting here. i do think i am becoming more together now. and YOU CAN DO THE SAME!!!

keep posting!!!

Finallylearning,

Thank you for that honest description of the struggle we all went through. I think it is healthy for each of us to see that we are/weren't alone in our pain to establish NC. There has been much written about the pain of the withdrawel but not too much about how hard it really is to finally establish NC.

You did an awesome job of describing just how difficult that is...even when we know that is want we SHOULD do and WANT to do. Oh my gosh...it really IS hard to do!

You get so mad at yourself for calling or answering. You feel like such a failure and beat yourself up. Then you promise yourself (and maybe your poor BS) that next time you will be stronger! Then you screw it up again. You finally see that your only hope si to stay strong and endure the pain... at least if there is any hope for recovery. The addiction is so hard to break, but like any addiction, the first week is the hardest.

Again, I commend your honest description. And here I thought I was the only one here who struggled with finally letting go and saying goodbye. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Jet, hang in there babe. You can do this! We are here for ya.

2scared

2scared, finallylearning,ncwalker,recoveringh,

please don't leave me alone...please post to me when you can. this first week of NC has had many ups and downs. today i had a couple of moments when i wanted to call him sooo badly, but i didn't. it passed, i got angry with him, myself, then i was calm. this sucks. but, you play, you pay...my girfriend is my support system...i'll be buying her a huge xmas present this year.

i do want my m to work. how did i find this site? i remember thinking, how am i gonna end this, i needed help. i was too weak, still am. i entered adultry in search, and here i am. i read and read, and it educated me reguarding love deposits, EN's, etc. i get it. if i don't tell my h, i will be open for another a. is this 100% true? are there any ws here who never confessed, and went on to deal and be happily married? i have people advise me to tell, and to never tell...well, for now i'm taking it one day at a time with nc...thankyou for now!

jetgirl, glad you are still around, i've been thinking of you. i know how hard the beginning is but i am going to push you here a bit.

are you really in NC?

Even if you have not told your H (yet), have you made it 100% extremely clear to the OM that you want 0 contact ever again? have you done all you can (or at least started) to do things that make it impossible? struggling thru some days of NC without making it clear to OM and to yourself that this has to STOP, 100% and forever, is not really accomplishing anything. it is just torturing yourself to suffer thru some horrible days, setting yourself up to feel terrible when new contact occurs. you have to close ALL the windows jetgirl, nail shut the door. i am sure you know exactly what i am talking about. i'm not trying to be mean. i am trying to help you.

tell us specifically what you have done. and if you don't have anything new to tell us, tell us what ideas you do have and then GET TO WORK!!!

remember, you can post here when you get the urge for contact too. we will help you pass the time, ease the pain.