FL,

I'm here. Here's what happened. We last saw eachother on Mon. How did we leave things? He said I'll call ya tomorrow. So now it's Fri, I haven't heard from him. We talked about NC on Mon, kind of left it up in the air. He's out of work right now..I can't call his cell, because he's home. So, the contact ball is his. He has the power of contact. Obviously he doesn't want to contact me. This is good, because I can't call him, so it's the perfect time to go NC. I've been thinking about it for a while anyway. So, where m I? I have to take charge and decide for myself! I may never hear from him again...I'd like the chance to say goodbye and discuss NC. To make it clear...So, for now I just will try to get through the depression, the withdrawal, the anger. Ahh, the anger is wicked...

NO NO NO NO NO.

If you ASSUME this is NC, IT IS NOT.

All it will take is ONE call from this guy and the "fantasy" feelings that come with a new relationship will come right back.

You left the conversation open ended. Sounds like you still like the guy. Which is OK, but the THING you two did is DEPLORABLE. Ranks up there with molesting a kid.

You need to TELL HIM that it is OVER. You need to tell him WHY. You don't have to call him a creep or anything, but you should tell him that YOU FEEL HORRIBLE OVER WHAT THE TWO OF YOU DID and you cannot accept continued contact. No being friends, no NOTHING.

This guy has a SOUL TIE with you now. Because of this, he is dangerous for you to be around. You cannot trust your own strength, it will fail.

How serious is no contact? If I were you and NOT going to tell my husband, I would make one last call WITH YOUR FRIEND SITTING NEXT TO YOU or write a letter and tell him you cannot stomach what you have done and feel that NO CONTACT is the only solution. DO NOT DO THIS FACE TO FACE. How serious is it? So serious that AFTER telling him this, if he pursues you, you should be thinking restraining order.

Let me put it to you this way. How serious would you take it if this guy was threatening your husband's life? How about your children's? Guess what. HE IS!

You must SLAM the door so this OM KNOWS you mean it.

NCWalker

keep talking jetgirl, describe your anger...

i totally agree here. this is NOT NC. this is torturing yourself. i can recognize it cuz i've been there!!!!

i used to wish so badly that it could end "nicely". both of us happily agreeing on NC and wishing each other a happy life. many of our goodbyes were just that. IT NEVER WORKED!!! cuz you are just fooling yourself and you are leaving the door open. you are leaving each other with an impression that you still are ok with everything that has occured. with that being the case, when one of you gets weak, you KNOW what will happen!!!!

come on jetgirl, you can do this!

keep posting!!!

Anger!??

I'm angry that I shook his hand at work that day.
I'm angry that my H didn't listen to me when I told him about my EN's.
I'm angry that I broke my vows after 14 years. How could I do that?
I'm angry that I can't control my feelings reguardng him.
I'm angry that I loved him.
I'm angry that I don't feel strong enough today.
I'm angry that I'm thinking about him right now
I'm angry that he rejected me
I'm angry at myself

gosh the list could go on and on! Hey--that felt good to say that out loud!!! Was that your plan FL??

yup

now what? gonna stay angry or find a way out of it??

here is some more history for you:

last nov, i was so full of anger too. i got to a point where i just wanted to not be anger anymore. i didn't care what the outcome of anything at the time, i just wanted to let go of my anger. i knew if i could at least do that, i might be able to start feeling human again. that i could at least bring back some sense of peace to me and the household.

so that is what i prayed for. i prayed for God to help me release my anger. please God, take away this anger. i cannot explain it much more than to say my prayers were answered and that was a turning point for me.

at the time, i even told my husband, because it really was so impacting. i told him how i finally accepted his appology regarding his mistakes in our marriage. (a little history, i came to conclusion my marriage was over, i decided to meet a person i chatted with online to symobolize it (really it was just to latch on to a crutch) and then i came home to tell H i wanted divorce. it became a power struggle for a while, he wanted to work on issues, i was just 100% done. at one point while i was sleeping on the couch, he came down and apologized for anything he did that caused me pain. at the time, i listened but i did not let it into my heart. but then almost 2 years later, as i prayed for God to take away my anger, i was able to truely accept H's apology.

i still had more struggles ahead of me but that really was a turning point for me. that was nov of 2003, i never saw OM again although there was still some contact and close calls. i found this place in dec 2003, confessed in march and established true NC in july.

jetgirl,

OK. I don't mean to belittle your situation in a bad way, or reduce your pain, but listen carefully.

You just said every single reason for being angry that my wife did!

If I then asked the question of the OTHER FWWs who post here if they agreed, you would get a LONG list of "Yep, me too!" one after another.

Some points to think about:

Other people have made it through this, YOU CAN TOO.

If you quit now, you will be saying that a WHOLE BUNCH OF WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN YOU! C'mon, you sound like a fighter. Don't go there.

This will be with you for the rest of your life. The memory, I mean. You can improve yourself with it, or let it eat you.

The pain? That WILL go in time. Just ask. No one here is going to lie to you. The enemy LOVES to make you think you can't bear the pain. Even that is a lie. What choice do you have, but to bear it? God knows this, and he is merciful. He will take it away.

I'll make a deal with you. You make SURE this OM is CRYSTAL CLEAR on no-contact, then come back and tell me you have done this.

At that point, I will regale you with "NCWalker's Theory of the Squishy Heart." Which should help with the pain. Or at least the frustration.

NCWalker

hey jetgirl, just wanted to let you know i'm taking off. i'll probably be checking in some this weekend cuz we are not going away and H will be gone a lot.

hang in there. get NC firmly established!!!!

Hey Jet,

Their all correct! The reasons for anger are what we all have said. Remember, establishing NC is HARD! So, it sounds like you're assuming NC because the OM has not called you. That produces two different emotions. Anger that you loved him more and that makes you feel used. Relief that your breaking away with too much work. BUT, what happens Saturday if he picks up the phone and calls? Two more emotions. Relief that he still loves you and Anger at yourself for breaking your perceived NC.

I'm going to tell you to take a step that will almost kill you so call your friend and ask her to help you do this. Tomorrow (or tonight if open) go down and have your cell # changed. If he tries to call it will be disconnected. NOW....see how weak you are. You just felt that serge of panic flow through your gut. Cut the cord to your future contact? YES!

You're waiting with anxiety hopeing he will call...and hopeing he won't call. Take the option away from him. Change the number. Do you hear me? Change the number!!!!!!!!

That's just the first step, but it will be huge! You can do it but in your weaken state you will need your support network (friend). Tell her you need her help to do this. She will! Heck, let her read this thread.

Come on Jet.... We're pulling for you. You will feel guilty but catch yourself when that happens. He is poison to your family.

Keep posting,

2scared

Hang tough. Just because he leaves a message doesn't mean you have to listen to it. Delete them as soon as you hear the voice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Let me put it to you this way. How serious would you take it if this guy was threatening your husband's life? How about your children's? Guess what. HE IS!

NCWalker [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow. Wow. You are exactly right. I never thought about this in those terms before. Excellent excellent point.

2scared,

you're right. I'm scared right now. I'm trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I will never see or speak to him again. Just like that, he's out of my life. He is poison, and I'm poison to him as well. It's the right thing to do, changing my cell. I should take that away from him. Meaning, letting him contact me when he feels like it. We're using eachother, and it feel like s**t....
Of course, I'd like to believe that if he does call, I won't pick up. Hmm, that sounds stupid, doesn't it? Would I be relieved? Would you be relieved if someone trampled all over your feelings, and used you? Blew you off? These feelings are wicked crazy...this fog is heavy-duty..with the help here, I think I'll get through it...

Hey jet! I see you were in the fine "care" of ncw, fl, et al. You see, we've all been there jet. We do understand your feelings, your "warped" logic, your feelings for the "need" to get your fix. It's OK to feel all of these things. What's not OK is not taking actions from your own realizations. I am not going to emphasize the importance of what ncw and fl have said--they're both right. I wanted to comment on three things, though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
please don't leave me alone...please post to me when you can.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's why this site is here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (Be prepared: the weekends tend to be slower.)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...my girfriend is my support system...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From the little bit how you described her, she sounds to be a rare commodity these days: a friend who will support you but is also not afraid to tell you like it is. She more or less put her friendship on the line with you to tell you that this A is wrong. She's a keeper. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...i needed help. i was too weak, still am. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"i needed help." To heal, rebuild, you must realize this is a continuiong process. That's what learning is about. Please change your tense: "I need help!"
"i was too weak," Yes, you were weak. (Among a slew of intelligent and x-rated words to describe you and me and any WS who was in an A.)
But...you do not have to be now. You need to let yourself accept the fact that you are strong. You realized your weakness; you are not weak now. Build upon this strength, jet.

I am so glad we could help you. You need to start making some decisions, however. Don't let these wounds get infected. (Amputations start next, right?)

Kepp with us, jet.

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

hi jet, not much time to post but i wanted to leave you a hi. i'm here for you, you can do this, get NC firmly establised, take yourself out of this pain!!!! don't think of it as taking away from him. you are giving YOURSELF peace. It will hurt, it will be hard but it will get better. as you can see, we've all been there!!!

JG...I know what you need to do is hard, but listen to everyone please...do not assume you are in NC just because he hasn't called you yet, I did this over and over before I finally walked...it gets to be exhausting, you will feel like you're moving on..he will call...you will keep yourself in check for a while (not contacting him, but still waiting for him to contact you), and before you know it, you will be right back where you started..right here, agonizing and fretting about contact or no contact...it will drive you mad, seriously...
After a while, there was NO WAY I could take going back to the beginning over and over again,,,you know it's going to end eventually, do you wait until you are caught or you end up seriously depressed and lost, or do you end it now and get the worse part over with, never to go back?...It's all up to you....if I can do it...you can do it.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for the telling your H issue, I really can't give you much advice on that as I've haven't told mine yet...my A has been over for a year and I am just now feeling like my M is where it can handle the truth...I say take one thing at a time...get out of the addiction to the OM (and you CAN) and then you can give your full attention to your M...don't dwaddle though...life is too short for this...

Good luck and keep posting, it helps A LOT...

Telling your H will give you an ally in NC. Your H can act as an intermediary should OM attempt to call you.

You sell your H so short!

good morning...

how can i establish nc if i never hear from him again? there's not much i can do if he doesn't call. it's like he dropped off the face of the earth. maybe this is his idea of ending it? Is it possible that that was it? that's his way to say nc? I think women like to have everything in a neat bundle...let's talk about it, but men? that was them talking about it. well, there are no rules and i have no rights in an a, so that's that.
as far as my life is concerned, one day at a time with nc, till i pick up speed...i'll get there, with mb, my girlfrind, and me!

hey jet!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
how can i establish nc if i never hear from him again?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NC is not only NC, which is, of course, a huge part of it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , but IMHO, NC frees you psychologically. It prepares you for the road ahead to rebuilding. It sets boundaries. It states what you want and states it clearly. In your situation (and most) it's necessary, IMHO.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...that's his way to say nc?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should not be concerned what he feels, says, does from this day forward. You have to make that decision, jet, not him-- that's why NC is so important.

This is just a suggestion. Think about it--and let other MB'ers see what they think.
Write a NC letter. Post it here, so we can help you with it. Then: send a copy to OM and sit down with your H and let the pieces fall where they may. I'll get into it further, if this is what you choose.

Best wishes jet!

<small>[ September 18, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

how can i state what i want clearly when i can't call him to tell him! to me, by om not calling me, says it's over, and he wants nc...remember, he's done this before...what do his actions have to do with my thoughts? if i decide nc, doesn't that mean anything? i'm trying to put him aside and work on my intentions of nc...moving on...then you mentioned boundries..if i don't have closure with him, i'll have to set my own boundries...i can't control what he does or says, or wants!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
<strong> how can i state what i want clearly when i can't call him to tell him! to me, by om not calling me, says it's over, and he wants nc...remember, he's done this before...what do his actions have to do with my thoughts? if i decide nc, doesn't that mean anything? i'm trying to put him aside and work on my intentions of nc...moving on...then you mentioned boundries..if i don't have closure with him, i'll have to set my own boundries...i can't control what he does or says, or wants! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">huh?

clear as mud

would you consider rewriting this previous post as a list....

for example:

Jetgirl's itemized dilemma:

1. Decide what is best for me
A. use values
B. use life experience
D. use most likely outcome
2. Set goal
A. measurable
B. realistic
C. timetable
3. Establish support system to obtain goal
A. family
B. church
4. Identify likely points of weakness


~~~~~ etc.....

Your thought seems so scattered to me.... and that may be one thing keeping you back, mental disorganization....

try writing it list form.... see if your thoughts become clearer and more linear...

Pep