JetGirl: I don't mean to belittle you here. But how is your marriage? I realize you have alot on your plate right now. But without a No Contact Letter, what's to stop OM from contacting you again in say two or three months. So how can you work on your M if you keep going back and forth?

As NCWalker said, you really should send an NC letter EVEN if you don't tell your H.

But let me make another recommendation. But first a question for you to ponder. Everytime, there is contact and then you two break it off, how do you feel? Are the feelings the same each time or does it get harder?

Here's why I ask. I'm assuming that it gets harder each time because each time there is contact the chance is there for him to "set his hooks in you just a little bit deeper." Now, I don't know if you've tried to write your plan down or not, but emotionally, it's been a real rollercoaster for you the last couple of weeks (months?), correct? I'm going to suggest that it will continue to be so and when you eventually tell your H, wow, he'll be joining you on the rollercoaster. (It might not be the same car as you, but he'll be there as well.) What I suggest is, why not reduce the length of the ride by telling your H as soon as possible. Pick out a time (like next weekend or even a date like 9/27, or whatever). Give yourself till then to get ready and then just do it.

Yes, I know its easy for me to say that than it is for you to do it. But what I'm suggesting is once you tell your H, you're going to bring all these feelings up again, so why not do it concurrently? Something to think about. Good luck and my prayers are with you and your H.

RH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
[QB] how can i state what i want clearly when i can't call him to tell him!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are *NOT* to call him. NC *LETTER*!

Pep gave you some great advice. Use it.

Don't be overwhelmed, jet. It's normal. But you need to get *YOU* straight. What Pep suggested will help do just that. Stick with us. We'll help you.

Jet: Pep had some great points. If you need more information, please pick up the book Surviving an Affair. It gives examples and goes through the whys and wherefores of the process. And recovery is a process. Don't try to short cut some of the steps because they will come back to bite you in butt.

Here are a couple links to help you: How Should Affairs End?

Good luck!
RH

and

Restoring the Marital Relationship

Have you considered counseling with Steve Harley of the Marriage Builders Counseling Service. or Peny Tupy of Save Your Marriage Central?

JetGirl, from experience I can tell you whatever pain you're feeling magnify it 10 times to get of glimpse of what you are doing to your H. My W had a ONS almost 3 years ago. She never ended contact but continued to justify it and deny EA. Yesterday we were supposed to have lunch but she called and said she was too busy. I didn't think much of it until she showed up an hour later. She told me she had just come from the hospital. OM had fallen from a latter. Now obviously I don't care if OM was nibbled to death by rats. But W stopped everything in her life to run to OM's bedside. She still doesn't get how this hurts. I am witnessing first hand her piss away a 19 year M over something she still does not see as hurtful. Don't think for a minute you can "just be friends". As FL told you it has to end cold turkey. Cell phone number is a very small price to pay consider the path you're on. Not to mention how unhealthy it must be to have a foot in two different camps. Make a decision and stick with it. Give your M the chance it deserves.

Thanks everyone. I agree, my thoughts are scattered. It's hard to type what you feel, but I'm gettin' it.

With the NC letter, do I write it for myself? I can't mail it, or deliver it to him, because remember, OM is home, unemployed for now. Of course, I don't really know for sure, because there's been NC for 6 days. I can't believe I'm counting them...UGH...

As far as my marriage goes, it's goin'. I've always told my H my needs and wants. He gives me all he can. Maybe I changed as I got older, and he remained the same...Well, I know I've changed.
I will sit down later and write down my plan for me...For now, I will not contact the pond scum...

Originally posted by jetgirl63:
"I agree, my thoughts are scattered. It's hard to type what you feel, but I'm gettin' it. "

Right now.... I think you are having trouble separating

thoughts from feelings


fact from desire

see if you can begin to organize your THINKING .... and try to have your FEELINGS pass through you without giving them MEANING that should be applied to FACTS alone.

Pep

Your original question was...

"Why can't I get out of the fog?"

I am hoping to guide you through what I see may be the reason you cannot de-fog....

thinking vs feelings

fact vs desired fact

The real world seems confusing if you approach it without being able to file these things in the correct place in your mind...

What are the for certain facts you know about yourself?

Pep

Jet...I will respond later in depth. I have to stop everything for my M and F! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Listen to what Pep is saying. Listen to the words. Listen, then think. Then respond.

"Talk" to ya later!

i think i need some time to answer that. i'm not sure what you mean. I know i'm feeling things for om...so. i should just feel them, then let them pass, and think where i want my life to go? the fact is today om is on my mind. i would like closure from him. is that the fog part? am i at the end of the fog? if i contact om, i know the fog will start all over again, back to page one. i can't do that, it's been an exhausting week. why waste all that hard work, and support from people here...thanxs pep..do i sound wacky to you? this is wacky...addiction is unbelievable...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by jetgirl63:
pep..do i sound wacky to you?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">pretty much, yes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK....

here are some facts about you that I know

You are female
You are married
You write English fluently
You are an adultress
.....

these are some of the Jetgirl facts I know.... these are part of your reality .... these things can all be supported with indisputable proof. Since I don't really know you, my fact list is short.

I can offer my interpretation of some things about you.....

I can say, I think you are a kind woman at your core .... but this cannot be proven.... I might say this about you because I want something from you... or because I have a certain feeling about some of the good things you do .... but, kindness is in the eye of the beholder. And my willingness to say this about you is in part based on my perception and mixed in with my motive.

So, in some ways... my sense of who you are in part depends on some things about me.... my heart, mind, mood, all of that...

This would be my feelings about you .... not necessarily the facts about you.

Let's start with facts.
Sooooooooo.... What are the FACTS about YOU that can be backed up with proof? Give me about 10 proven facts.


I am taking you somewhere... so be patient.

Pep (do I sound wacky to you?)

oh gosh pep, you're KILLIN' me. it's sat nite, and i've been drinking mojito's...will you be cool with 5???????

1. i love my family, and i want my marriage to work for atleast another 34 years. the proof? hmm i haven't left, and i see my future with my h.
2. i have a great sense of humor. i laugh all the time...i love to make people smile.
3. i have brown hair(with highlights)
4. i'm emotionally needy and sensitive. maybe i need affection more often than h.
5. gosh, i talk alot. that is so proven.

my dad died when i was 9. people say you marry a man like dear old dad...i didn't. well, i crave affection and attention from my h, which i really didn't get then. hello OM. he gave it all to me. H gave me the rest. ya know what? as i'm typing this, before or after this fog lifts, i'd like to find out why i even started this a. why? it can't be all my h's fault. ( can it? ) thanxs pep, time to brew some coffee. i look forward to your posts to me...how did you get so smart anyway?

Hey jet! brown just passed out (from exhaustion,) so no nookie nookie tonight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I suppose you didn't have to know that!) But, I have a few minutes for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
my dad died when i was 9. people say you marry a man like dear old dad...i didn't. well, i crave affection and attention from my h, which i really didn't get then. hello OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, this is the 6th.
You thrive, beg even, for affection, to "make up" for the years you didn't have that male figure in your lifetime. IMHO. You didn't receive this from your H, therefore the logical thing in your head was that it had "died." So, you carried on. One flaw in your subcoonscious though: your H is not dead. The other flaw? It is now in your consciousness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'd like to find out why i even started this a. why? it can't be all my h's fault. ( can it? )</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The "reason" for your A? You answered one of the "reasons" yourself. *BUT* do *NOT* forget: a reason is not an excuse. There is *NO* excuse for an A.
Save yourself a *LOT* of harm if you are really interested in wanting to rebuild your M: do not use that word "fault" again. This only places blame, points fingers, accomplishes nothing. But don't forget: the A was *your* choice, not your H's.

Oh, and you *both* are wacky! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

jetgirl
I am a FWW and I feel what you are going through. I wish I would have stuck with NC one of the first 10 times I tried or I wouldn't be in such a mess to date. I feel horrible about myself for the affair but also for how much more s**t went on after the first times I attempted NC. PLLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stick to your NC- I can go into further detail if you like but whatever it takes, make NC work. There is no closure- I looked nad wanted that closure and it never was "right" so I tried again and now feel worse.
I do feel for you- you sound like me!
22

Originally posted by jetgirl63:
i've been drinking mojito's...will you be cool with 5???????

Pep be cool all da time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

1. i love my family, and i want my marriage to work for atleast another 34 years. the proof? hmm i haven't left, and i see my future with my h.

Effort to make your marriage work requires more than showing up and not leaving....

When, in fact, you actually have left your marriage emotionally on several occasions, but you have not divorced or left physically.

You can say to me that you want to get an A grade in college chemistry .... and to prove it, you show up in class... however , just that effort alone won't bring you an A grade... unless you're a genius, or paying off the professor or something! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


2. i have a great sense of humor. i laugh all the time...i love to make people smile.

Me too... has your sense of humor been your lifeboat sometimes?


3. i have brown hair(with highlights)

cute


4. i'm emotionally needy and sensitive. maybe i need affection more often than h.

Do you have a "fill line"? Do you imagine you will ever be satsified when you require the efforts of others to fill you emotionally?

In other words.... Is the idea that you will ever feel "whole" ..... impossible?


5. gosh, i talk alot. that is so proven.

Do you have so much to say? Or, is talking another attempt to fill the hole?

i'd like to find out why i even started this a. why? it can't be all my h's fault. ( can it? )

Now think about this... what you just said shifted responsibility of your actions and decisions to another person. This time , your H.

When you do this.... you are not only trying to dodge your responsibility for your own actions.... you are throwing away THROWING AWAY your personal power.

How powerful do you feel?

How adult do you feel?

Is there something about remaining an emotional child that appeals to you?

Pep

<small>[ September 19, 2004, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Jetgirl, do you remember how hard it was to cross the line with the OM the first time you were intimate with him? Do you remember how easy it was the second time?

Anyway it was for me. I have had two affairs...The first was 20 years ago and lasted from summer to the next fall. But in my heart it lasted for 8 MORE YEARS because there was no closure, he just left this area, without a word. That is not good because we wait and wait for a phone call because we need to understand.

I learned later, when he was on his deathbed, I got to see him one more time.
He said he did it for me, for my children, for my marriage, for my good life and good reputation, HE LEFT.
If only he would have told me that THEN!

The second affair ended when my OM found another woman, a single woman, he got tired of secretly meeting with me. (Ended 1 1/2 years ago) This affair lasted for 3 years and I miss him terribly. We adored one another. But for me, I NEVER had any intention of leaving my H.
Both OMs were NOT married but I was and still am.

I am a lonely country lady that craves the excitement of an affair it seems. My H works long hours at a computer job. Now I am getting involved over the Internet with a classmate, an older classmate, that I met at a class reunion in June.

My Husband does not know of me secretly emailing with him; he knows of the other affairs.
It wasn't good when he found about the one a year and a half ago.
It is so bad that I can't tell you on a public MB!

I believe I truly am like a drug addict that needs a fix to go on normally with my life. I tend to be a happier wife when in an affair, even a long distance emotional only affair.

SICK SICK SICK what I am writing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I have been reading for such a long time here at MB and it doesn't penitrate my FOGGY thinking as here I am starting this Internet romance.

So this is a warning to you, Jetgirl, so you can stop now with this affair. Tell your H. If you don't you are highly suscepteble to another affair.

Don't be afraid to call OM with his wife there. She needs to know about her H and believe me, this will end the affair, when it is in the light. Especially if your H and the OM wife know!
Rachel

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: MakeYourOwnSunshine ]</small>

Sunshine,

I just can't let this one go by without comment. You have suggested that Jet tell H so that he can make sure she is faithful. I agree she needs to tell H... in the right time. Hey Jet...how's the letter coming?

Sunshine... let's get real. You've already had two affairs and are starting another yet YOU have not told your H. You seem fustrated that you are unable to stop this obsessive behavior... Here is a good idea...

TELL YOUR HUSBAND! Ask him to help you control this behavior. It works.

2scared.

Sunshine...

Now let's think about this....

I know you have admitted that you're addicted. You have admitted that you enjoy the rush of the A. You even admitted that you're not going to leave your H.

Do you want to lose your H? Do you REALLY understand the fire you're playing with?

Sure the rush is a "fix" that helps you make it through the day... But do you understand the cost?

You're here... You're reading and now posting...

Are you ready to try to change? Do you WANT to stop?

Think about it... If so, we're here to help you. Welcome to MB.

2scared

jet...u out there? Or did you just have one too many from celebrating as we are now 2 and 0?!?!?!?

You have been givn a lot of food for *ACTION* the last few days. Just wondeing how you were making put.

sunshine:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SICK SICK SICK what I am writing. I have been reading for such a long time here at MB and it doesn't penitrate my FOGGY thinking as here I am starting this Internet romance.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Girl, you need help. You have admitted to being sick, yet do nothing about it. As the analogy here goes, if you had cancer, would you not go see a doctor?!?!? I am so very confused by the "message" you are trying to convey here: Do what I say, not what I do. I hope you do not have children. (And I hope this friendly 2x4 will wake you up.)

Jet- I was thinking about you this morning. How are you doing??? Hanging in there?