</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We adored one another. But for me, I NEVER had any intention of leaving my H.
Both OMs were NOT married but I was and still am.

ICK SICK SICK what I am writing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I have been reading for such a long time here at MB and it doesn't penitrate my FOGGY thinking as here I am starting this Internet romance.

So this is a warning to you, Jetgirl, so you can stop now with this affair. Tell your H. If you don't you are highly suscepteble to another affair. (And you might get to be like me, in a place, where you believe you absolutely cannot tell, too deep into the addiction.)

Don't be afraid to call OM with his wife there. She needs to know about her H and believe me, this will end the affair, when it is in the light. Especially if your H and the OM wife know!
Rachel [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rachel- if you adored OM why did you never think about leaving your H? What is it that is holding you in your M? Think about that.

By your own words you know that you are going to need help stopping your destructive behavior. To do this you MUST TELL your H. Yes, I know the fact that having had repeat A's will make it that much harder...but do you really want to be reading here when you start your 5th...or 10th A in the future with nothing having changed?

Thinking of you.

hi jetgirl, how you doing??

Dear jetgirl, I am concerned about you and I see 'Finally Learning', Sunshine, Liny, Sadfww are also. (And others I am sure.)

You haven't posted since Saturday and I have a feeling the OM has contacted you.

It might have been his 'plan' to let you sit and wait for several days and MISS him and then he would contact you.

Hon, there is power in being the one to tell the OP GOOD BYE...A feeling of doing the right thing and of self respect...(Better than getting 'kicked to the curb'~lol~)

Don't be afraid to come here and share what is happening in your life...Remember, we don't KNOW you, anything you say here is SAFE.

We care about you and hope you get back on track...you have been derailed for awhile...AND only YOU can get yourself back on track, none of us can do it for you...People here can help but the final decision is YOURS, in how you want to live your life...Yep, only YOURS!

Hoping to hear from you soon.
Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 06:42 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Hi guys...

Just to let everyone know, my internet is based on my cable....and my cable went out on Sunday!!!!!!!! So basically, I had no service. I just came home, and it's up and running. This is my first chance to say thankyou for all your thoughts and replies.

So, based on that, I think I owe you some honesty..On Sun morning, OM left me a voice mail..blah blah..I felt different feelings this time. I was happy he was well...and I was calm. I did not try to call him. I felt at "peace" with that choice. It is what it is. I was indifferent, if you know what I mean. Yesterday he left me another voice mail. So, my question is, if he calls again, do I pick up the phone to tell him NC, or just let the phone ring. I'm feeling alittle stronger everyday, but part of me wonders if I'll slip, and meet him.
Do I miss him? yes. Or, do I miss the habit of speaking to him? As the days add up of NC, will I still miss him. It's still alittle confusing. Part of me feels smug that he still wants me. So here's my chance to end it on my terms... Or should I drop off the face of the earth? That's hard to do..can I do that?

Please, don't throw up, but I'm proud of myself for not trying to call. That's big for me, cause calling eachother was a big part of the A. thanks to all for your posts...

Hi jet,

glad to hear from you. Honesty is GOOD!!! keep that up and you will beat this!!!

first off, don't worry, i won't throw up, your post made me grin actually... due to thoughts of: "been there, done that"

for me, i certainly did NOT want to be the one rejected. i have major rejection problems as it is!!! i hated it when he was the one to back away. but at the same time I really didn't want to have to reject him. my ideal scenerio was where we both agreed and then NEITHER of us ever looked back. but one of us kept looking back and re-initiating contact. and whenever that happened the other would eventually agree. sometimes it would take a week or so, but it was inevitable.

finally for me i got to a point where i just didn't care. i didn't care how it ended but it HAD TO END!!! until at least one of us really got to that spot, we were never going to 100% cut it out. OM didn't get there, he was a single guy, what did he care... i finally got there.

so for you, if you are there, and i do believe you are, my advice is to try to NOT be concerned with it at all. just let go. now you are in a specific scenerio where he is currently contacting you and you have not yet made your desire known. they say to send a short, to the point, NC letter is the best way. basically saying, "what we did was WRONG!!! i want it to stop 100%. I want to make ammends to my H and focus on repairing the damage I did to myself and my marriage. Do not ever try to contact me again." avoid the urge to say stuff like, "i wish the best for you." or anything else that sends a message that you will think fondly of him or of the experience of knowing him. i understand you may want to "end" it that way but DON"T!!!!! it won't help jetgirl.

just STOP. 100% and forever. and then sweat it out. having any contact whether it be just a short email like i wrote above (if that option is open to you) or via a very FAST phone call, (if that is the only way), is going to set you back. but i do believe you need to tell him your decision in some fashion. others might state otherwise but if you don't, he will just keep trying to reach you and that will just bring you more anxioty, right??

you need to send him the message. perferrably via email, then FILTER HIM OUT, change your cell phone and do whatever else you can to make him not capable of reaching you.

what do you think?

I think they're all excellent points. But, just to refresh you--OM is unemployed. So there is no work place to drive by, no e-mail account, and no cell to call, because he is home. So, if I want to be verbally clear with him, #1, I have to wait for him to call me. I guess I'd like us to say good-bye with no ill-will toward eachother...So..meanwhile, as each day goes by, I read here to get educated, and focus on my husband, whom I love..

yes, i understand your scenerio. it sounds like your only choice is to wait till he calls but when he does be ready with a very SHORT script to say and then HANG UP!!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'd like us to say good-bye with no ill-will toward eachother </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would VERY MUCH encourage you to NOT DO THIS!!!

DON"T DO IT JETGIRL. besides, he either already knows this or he doesn't, either way you have to force yourself to NOT CARE.

THERE IS NO CLOSURE on this jetgirl. it is an illusion. my advice will remain the same, don't try to achieve closure. ACHIEVE NC!!

Jetgirl,

You must see that waiting for him to call is NOT the answer. I am not saying that you have done bad, I think you have done great. But for how long? On what day will jetgirl be weak and ANSWER. Once you begin to convince yourself that you are strong enough to resist temptation, you will fail. Spiritually because the enemy will redouble his efforts at that point, he knows he has you. Psychologically because you will eventually stop being on guard. Ever pull guard duty? Sure it’s just walking around and watching for things. Try doing it for 8 or 12 hours. The time and monotony wears you down. You lose the edge then WHAM, you’re taken out.

So what you are saying is that if I tell you a way that you can tell the OM that you no longer want contact, you’ll do it? And I mean writing a letter, in no uncertain terms, that he is NOT to contact you. With the mental preparation to get a restraining order if he does. (Will someone post her a link to a sample NC letter? I can’t find any.) Well if that’s all you need:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OM is unemployed. So there is no work place to drive by, no e-mail account, and no cell to call, because he is home. So, if I want to be verbally clear with him, #1, I have to wait for him to call me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who said it had to be verbal? No Contact letter is a letter.

Who said YOU had to deliver it? You just have to write it. You have told us about a gem of a friend who is being your conscience and your support. Surely she would drive it by and tuck it in his mailbox.

You MUST do this. It is the only way to be free. There are too many stories of the wishy-washy no contact you have described failing (mine included).

Does the OM know your husband? My only word of advice – if he does, he may retaliate by showing your husband the letter. Therein lies the rub of NOT telling your husband.

As Mark Twain said:

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

NCWalker

PS - Look at Finally Learning's post just above mine. She is a FWW and is saying CLOSURE DON'T WORK. You will NEVER get all your questions answered satisfactorily.

Hey jet! Hopefully your power didn't go out til about 7:30 or so!

Glad to hear you are taking baby steps--and they are in the right direction. JL's been there, hon. "Listen" to her!

I'm going to try a "pepnique" (My own little sniglet ala Rich Hall: n. A technique perfected by Pepperband! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )...


Do you know what the opposite of love is?

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

first, i have to pick on LINY... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> JL's been there, hon. "Listen" to her!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am FL, not JL!! JL is that much OLDER (and extremely insightful) GUY! I am a YOUNG (ha) CHICK. got it?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ncwalker, i don't think jetgirl can do even what you are saying, have her g/f deliver a note. i am quite sure jetgirl does not want to chance having OM's W find out. I am guessing that OM's wife does not work either so there is no set time that she can be assured that a note can be delivered directly to him.

I don't like the idea of her having to wait for him to call because I know that means she will be expending too much energy while waiting. However I DO very much believe she must send this message to him, very firmly, so she does not have to deal with him trying to initiate any additional and continuely contact. (for the exact reasons you state). it is understandable that he will try to continue to make contact if she just "falls off the face of the earth". this is why OM must be told of her desire, for absolutely no contact ever again for life. if OM still tries to initiate contact after that, well that does put her in a different scenerio, one which will require stronger action, like a RO. i would certainly hope it would not go to that. i did not have to deal with anything like that. OM was reasonable once i made MYSELF very clear and THEN I STUCK TO IT TOO!!!

given the inablity for her to reach him, i thought literally having a very SHORT and DIRECT and FIRM script at her disposal for the next time he calls would be the best way for her.

AGAIN, i would advise to make it SHORT, FIRM and DEVOID OF ANY... "HAVE A GOOD LIFE, NO ILL-WILL" type of message. jetgirl, that is for YOUR sake!!! i hope you can trust me on this point and just do it. Here is your script:

"OM, what we have done was 100% and terribly wrong, I want it to stop 100% and FOREVER. I want to focus on healing myself and my marriage. Do not ever try to contact me again."
and then here is the hardest part. YOU THEN SAY BYE and HANG UP.

if he tries to engage you and you cannot just say bye and hang up just continue to stick with the above message. what you two did was 100% wrong, you want it to stop. This is all that needs to be said. save yourself the heartache of saying more than that. saying more than that will just stir up your emotions!!!!! don't do that to yourself.

make this as professional of a message as possible. pretend you are cancelling a subscription to a newspaper and no matter how pushy the person on the phone wants to understand why or change your mind, YOU DON"T CARE. you have made your decision and that is ALL that is relavant now!!!

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

How ya doin', JG? NC, right?

hi guys,
NC, yes. well, what do you think? OM and haven't spoken for days. yesterday he called me, and i answered. (stop yelling) it was a strained convo...basically, he told me he's moving out of the state. He's selling his house, make a huge profit, move near his family, pay off debts, blah, blah, blah.....he had always said he wanted to move out of florida. i wasn't really shocked.
so, my girlfriend was jumping for joy!! she couldn't be happier. me? i know it's the best thing to happen, because who knows what would've happened if he stayed? after 6 years, someone had to move. pretty drastic..i still wanted nc, but it's alittle bittersweet now. once he moves, i think i'll finally change my cell. i know, why not now? i guess i am just scared to let go, say good-bye. don't hit me, i'm being honest right now. this habit, addiction, whatever, is so hard to break free of. i'm getting there. i had a rollercoaster day yesterday. that sucked.
now, on top of this , we have to deal with another hurricane, coming this way. i'm braced to deal with no power...arghhh...a very stressful month!
well, that's the story for this morning. can anyone relate? it's been a long, draining week. thankyou for your posts...i'll be reading...let's hope i don't lose power!!!

hey, JG! gotta take d to doc, but i will write later. In the meantime, you can work on that draft of the nc letter, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Jet-

It's very normal to greive the loss of the relationship. Heck...for 6 years he was part of your life. The emotional attachment is incredible. I know it hurts. It's the beginning of the withdrawl...it's greiving a loss. Bittersweet? Yes it is. Are you going to be better off? Yes. The bottom line is that the pain in your heart is very normal. It is like chunks of your heart are being ripped out with fish hooks. You will question your decision, cry a lot, and morn "what could have been".

BUT... You're doing the right thing and the pain will end. It will get easier..

And, we are here for you.

I do have to warn you. There is one temptation that you HAVE to avoid. Listen to me....You will want to get together and say goodbye in some wonderful and sensual weekend of passion. You will want to leave with the spoken assurance that in some distant crisis you will each be there for each other.

You can't do this. It will re-attach your heart. Don't do it Jet. DON'T.

Others here will tell you the same thing. Don't try to leave feeling all good about everything. The temptation will be GREAT.

Good luck and keep posting... We won't hit. Been there...done that.

2scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
<strong> hi guys,
NC, yes. well, what do you think? OM and haven't spoken for days. yesterday he called me, and i answered. (stop yelling) it was a strained convo...basically, he told me he's moving out of the state. He's selling his house, make a huge profit, move near his family, pay off debts, blah, blah, blah.....he had always said he wanted to move out of florida. i wasn't really shocked.
so, my girlfriend was jumping for joy!! she couldn't be happier. me? i know it's the best thing to happen, because who knows what would've happened if he stayed? after 6 years, someone had to move. pretty drastic..i still wanted nc, but it's alittle bittersweet now. once he moves, i think i'll finally change my cell. i know, why not now? i guess i am just scared to let go, say good-bye. don't hit me, i'm being honest right now. this habit, addiction, whatever, is so hard to break free of. i'm getting there. i had a rollercoaster day yesterday. that sucked.
now, on top of this , we have to deal with another hurricane, coming this way. i'm braced to deal with no power...arghhh...a very stressful month!
well, that's the story for this morning. can anyone relate? it's been a long, draining week. thankyou for your posts...i'll be reading...let's hope i don't lose power!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jet....

Show me where you post all your ongoing efforts and your burning desire to make your marriage a GREAT MARRIAGE .... because I can't find any references to this in this last post......

I thought THAT was your goal.... was I wrong?

Your life is with your husband. Time is slipping away. Procrastination will not mend what needs your attention.

WHAT one thing are you going to do TODAY to forward your marriage ????

Pep

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Jet- have you composed your NC letter? Writing it out may help the ending of this relationship seem more concrete. Write it- and send it. I know it's scary. I know it's hard. But making a definitive break WILL help. Time will help too as long as you are firm with NC. I promise.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> Time is slipping away. Procrastination will not mend what needs your attention.

WHAT one thing are you going to do TODAY to forward your marriage ????

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep's right too. Try to funnel that energy you are spending on regret about losing OM into a positive energy to take charge and make your marriage better- the best it can be. Mentally I know you want to- you just haven't emotionally committed to doing it yet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Originally posted by 2scared:


BUT... You're doing the right thing and the pain will end. It will get easier..

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~~~~~~~well.... let's see~~~~~~~"doing the right thing"..... hmmmmmmmm

The original question posed by Jet in her thread title is

"Why can't I get out of the fog?"

This is what Jet has just said.... "he called me and i answered"

This phone call, and all other contact in any form, is the "why" to Jet's question....


Jet is not "doing" the right thing.... she is procrastinating "doing" the right thing.... sorry, let's be accurate, let's be real.... answering the OM phone call was the wrong thing to do.... it prolongs Jet's pain, helps destroy her integrity, adds to the distance she places between herself and her husband...

Jet is not yet "doing" the right thing... she is contemplating the possibility of doing the right thing .... and not "doing" much to heal what is wrong with her life.

I know you said these words to encourage her.... but I think false praise is useless... it does NOT bring comfort and peace to Jet. Only when she actually DOES do the right thing .... will she have earned your praise... "You're doing the right thing"....

Prolonging the misery is what Jet has done when she knowingly answered the phone call from OM.

Meanwhile... her betrayed husband loves a wife who continues to betray him.... definately NOT the right thing for Jet... this destroys Jet's happiness.... HER happiness depends on HER doing the right thing. Finding a door back to her husband, and walking through it to live out in the open with honesty and truth as the cornerstones to their marriage.

Until you do that Jet, you live in a dark secret corner, feeling trapped. Unhappy Jet, come away from that corner, and walk out into the light. OM is the DARK.

Pep

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi,
Please excuse the intrusion. I am new to MB's and I feel like I am reading my own life story on this thread. The advice that has been given to Jetgirl is awesome. My A lasted 6 yrs. H and DS13 and DS11 know of it. It's been rough. What I am having trouble with is the guilt of hurting the OM, breaking promises. OM said I was his life, he divorced his wife and waited 3 more years for me, I could not leave my family. I have become a liar, a cheater and a deceiver. I realize my promises to my family come first. I have no obligation to promises made in sin, yet both OM and I convinced each other we would be together....any thoughts? Thanks

WakingUp,

You have just done what is called a "thread jack" or you are "thread jacking". Which is kind of a no no.

k

JetGirl's dilema has seemed to have solved itself with the OM moving out of state. NOW she wants to enforce the NC.

I agree with PEP (don't we all? All the time?) What has she done for the M lately?

k