What nice things have you done to please your husband this week?

Pep

well, i wonder if we think alike when it comes to nice things...
this week was alittle stressful due to hurricane, but let's see...
every morning i make the coffee and bring him a cup while he's dressing. i'll make him a bagel if he wants. we work together, so if he wants lunch, i'll go get it, because i want to. i bought him a cd for him out of the blue...gave him a massage the other night...bought him a new braun razor...i walked the dog when it was HIS turn(it was midnite)..i tell him i love him everyday...i cook his favorites...theres so much more. i wonder if these are nice things, or my "wifely duties"...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...then i'll be on my own...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!!

You have your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only reason I keep going to is that i'm scared to let go of that last one tie...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it's scary jet. But *why* are you afraid of it? You'd be letting go over indecision; uncertainty; lies; deception. You'd be letting go of a lot of pain...yes, gaining some...but you and your H can work at it. Something to do together again. (You still didn't sit down with him yet, have you?)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i wonder if these are...my "wifely duties"...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The irony here is thick, jet.

But you have control over the situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only reason I keep going to is that i'm scared to let go of that last one tie...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I read this, in my mind I imagined you with that tie... and it was tied around your neck and you were hanging by it.... this affair is KILLING you.

Cut the tie and live free.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
<strong> well, i wonder if we think alike when it comes to nice things...
this week was alittle stressful due to hurricane, but let's see...
every morning i make the coffee and bring him a cup while he's dressing. i'll make him a bagel if he wants. we work together, so if he wants lunch, i'll go get it, because i want to. i bought him a cd for him out of the blue...gave him a massage the other night...bought him a new braun razor...i walked the dog when it was HIS turn(it was midnite)..i tell him i love him everyday...i cook his favorites...theres so much more. i wonder if these are nice things, or my "wifely duties"... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are nice things for you to do .... and except for the "I love you" you might be doing these nice things for a roommate. These are not intimate acts, nothing there to reveal yourself to your husband....

"Wifely duties" ... wow, dumbstruck here. I wonder if you feel wifely joy doing these things?


Pep

pep, i am being very serious and not a all sarcastic when i ask this question. without hearing my voice i didn't want my words to come across wrong. i seriously ask this because one of the things i still seek to understand is what does a good/healthy/intimate relationship look like, on a normal daily basis. because that seems to be what you were asking jet.

what do you do on a normal day for your husband that reveals yourself to him? you can't really do something every day, day after day, year after year, can you?? or can you. i know i want to have that kind of a relationship, sometimes lately i feel like i get glimpses of it. but then i get to thinking it is just in my head and not really realistic.

i maybe thinking too much today. could be due to taking the day off yesterday

Good question...

what do you do on a normal day for your husband that reveals yourself to him? you can't really do something every day, day after day, year after year, can you?? or can you. i know i want to have that kind of a relationship, sometimes lately i feel like i get glimpses of it. but then i get to thinking it is just in my head and not really realistic.

I wonder if you realize that I am 55 years old... and I think you are early 40s ... and believe me, there is a huge difference between these ages... I am saying this to comfort you ... there will be things about life and intimacy revealed as you age! I am and always have been a late bloomer.

I was not always loving and intimate... but if I told myself this about myself when I was your age, I would argue with myself! (figure out that slip in logic!) I was doing things the right way, and usually for the wrong reason(s).

I think ARK^^ has come the closest I have ever seen to expressing this difference beautifully... doing kind things and then waiting for the payback-reward, vs doing kind things with love and humility.

So it may not be the "deed" that is the difference, but the attitude.

My most recent "project" about myself is telling my H when I don't feel well. And unfortunately, recently it has been frequent that I don't feel well. I have colitis, and it is kicking my butt these last few months. And, I am revealing this "weakness" and this "need" to my H, and he is holding me up, and I am falling into his strength when necessary. Revealing my weakness, is an intimate act, and I trust my H to love me, irregardless.

Does this help?

I wonder if someone can remember where this post of Ark^^'s is where she talks about finding the correct intention of her kindness???

Pep

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

pep, thanks for the response. i absolutely know what you mean about the attitude you have when giving and i completely agree. i have to watch myself in the area of expecting back. even if all i am wanting is confirmation that what i did was appreciated, expecting anything back really does take away from the joy one can experience by just doing the act of giving because you are now making the amount of joy felt dependent on someone else. i get it in my head, but sometimes i don't execute too well, because i get to feeling hurt too easily. if something is not well recieved, or better put, if i don't get the feedback that something was well recieved, i take it personally, like i must not be good enough or what i do is not good enough. i am trying to increase my confidence in myself to allow myself to just feel good about the person i am, no matter how well recieved or not. if i can honestly know i am giving out of love, what more can i ask from myself.

in the area of asking for what i need, like your example (sorry you have not been feeling well), that is harder because now you really ARE very dependent on the other's response. which i guess means you are being vunderable, which is good.

i have an example... we played raquetball today. i had a really good time!!! i believe my H enjoyed it too. i told him tonight i would really like to get back into the routine of playing every friday and i told him how i thought about how i could arrange it as far as work goes. his response was, lets not do it till nov. and that hurt, cuz that said to me, he didn't enjoy it enough to want to make it a habit. his reason is that he wants to keep all opportunities open for golfing reasons. there is one specific group that must go on a friday, so that is understandable and i said, ok we can work around that but that still leaves the other 3 fridays, should we try to plan on that? and he again said, well i'ld rather not lock myself in.

how does one respond to that?

not sure if this question is really relavent to my original question or not, but i would like to hear your thoughts.

Gonna jump on Pep's bandwagon here, and a little more...

I'm not sure who said it (I know I just read it recently), but it's "emotion behind the motion." Just another way of sating, "Words, followed by actions."

You asked for specifics...

It's the look you give your spouse...

...It's the gentle caress you do on his/her face...

...It's the wise-a$$ comment you make, with a smile, with a twinkle in your eye...

...It's playing racquetball...

...But it's all nothing without the "meaning", the feelings behind them.

And you can't have meaning without truth.

JMHO.

(And I think brown will let you know the difference...and that it is soooooo evident!

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 02:29 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

bumping up for pep

Jetgirl, how are you doing?

bump- jetgirl- how are you?

if something is not well recieved, or better put, if i don't get the feedback that something was well recieved, i take it personally, like i must not be good enough or what i do is not good enough.

This reaction belongs to you, and you can decide if you want to change this, or not... if you put this upon your H, he is powerless to change your insecurities.

if i can honestly know i am giving out of love, what more can i ask from myself.

This seems to be an ideal we can all strive for, but also forgive ourself for, when we humanly fail to reach this perfect standard of giving selflessly.

his response was, lets not do it till nov. and that hurt, cuz that said to me, he didn't enjoy it enough to want to make it a habit.

You put words, thoughts, intent into your H's meaning without him being able to defend himself. This is such a "girl" thing to do. My 15-year-old D does this to perfection. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

and he again said, well i'ld rather not lock myself in.

how does one respond to that?

"Let me know when you are available to play. I want to spend this time with you as often as possible. I really enjoyed it."

He likes golf better than raquetball. He likes to schedule time with his buddies. He prefers outdoors to indoors. He's pre-paid or pre-scheduled golf.

or....

He doesn't like his wife and wants to avoid her....

which one(s) strikes you as more/most valid?

Pep

Jetgirl,
I came in here at the end of this thread, and I admit I didn't read all of it.

I have a calvacade of emotions at reading your postings, and because I didn't read through all the pages perhaps I missed something so please forgive my errors in what I'm assuming.

First of all, I was the WS. I was divorced because of it. Thankfully, coming here helped me and my exH and I remarried 17 months after the D was final. During our separation and divorce my husband I barely talked at all.

I can give you some ways to 'snap' you out of the fog. First of all, ask yourself why a fantasy is more important than hurting your husband or those around you. Everytime you think of the OM, you're hurting your husband. When you start asking yourself, "I wonder what OM is doing today?" Stop and say to yourself, "This is destructive, that whole mess was destructive, and I'm hurting my husband by thinking of this guy."

Let's cut to the chase. I don't mean to be brash here, but most likely OM has done this before. You were another 'notch' in his belt. I know that might hurt, but that's most likely the truth. You fell under his charms as you were weak, human, and needy for something. I did the same thing.

Another fog breaker is to imagine life without the warmth of your husband and your family. Imagine spending Christmas Eve all alone. ( I did that for
four years.) This is the first Christmas Eve I'll have ALL my family with me. One year I was completely alone. That thought could be a fog breaker for anyone. And let's look at why I was alone? I was alone because I had an A, and for a time chose that fantasy over real-life love.

One more fog breaker is to imagine your husband not looking at you in the eyes for years, or even wanting to talk to you at all. That is what I endured. Your husband is with you still, right? Count your blessings, and give up the drama of thinking of the OM. It's all just a fantasy. He isn't half the man your husband is, I can bet on that one.

If I were you I'd get very busy in life, and concentrate on what you have around you. You know, Jetgirl, for the rest of our lives we have to look at ourselves as weak people who cheated on their spouses. That's enough , isn't it? You shouldn't add on top of that the burden of being a weak person who continues to fantasize over the affair partner. To me that makes us simply hopeless. We have to learn from our mistakes, not dwell on them and make them something we lean on when life gets 'boring'.

Change that cell phone number today. Let go of that affair time in your life, the number, and be proud of yourself. It was all a facade (the OM, the affair), and your husband is the one you need to be making happy, not you or the OM. Quit feeding your ego by continue fantasizing about this guy.

Sorry if I sound too direct, but I know where you're at.

Hopeful_person

pep, thanks for the response. your response suggestion makes sense... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Let me know when you are available to play. I want to spend this time with you as often as possible. I really enjoyed it."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you are right, i put thoughts and intent into my H's words. point is.. He likes golf better than raquetball. but he does enjoy raquetball with me too, because he has said this to me.

sounds like i should just wait until nov.

in the meantime i actually know a woman who would like to play, we talked about it over the summer. i'll give her a call.

now i will stop hijacking jetgirls topic.

jetgirl, hope you are out there and will post soon.

bump

Okay, I'm alive...
Hello to Finallylearning, Pep, Sadfww, Hopefulperson, and of course, everyone who has given me their wise advice.

I know that I need to be here, because I immediately felt better today after seeing you guys reach out to me in your posts. Since last Thursday, I've been up and down. OM left a message on Fri...he had 2 more days left with his cell. I did not call him back, and so ...well, he hasn't called me either. Thats that. I don't think I'll be hearing from him. I admit, my feelings have been raw. One minute I'm fine, then a wave hits me, then tears. I close my eyes and think that my H deserves a wife that is faithful..he doesn't deserve to be hurt by me. I still haven't told him..yet.

Hopefulperson, I read your post, and I could feel your words. Thankyou, and no, you weren't mean at all! I need to hear what you have to say. Please post again. I am so depressed today. This week has been the hardest so far. I have been wondering about him. Pep is right--0OM is the dark. Part of me just can't believe it's over..part of me was ready for it to be over. I was to weak to say it. Anyway, I'm sure I'm rambling...believe it or not, in between my waves, I am doing nice things for my H. I do enjoy doing for him, and my kids. I try to keep pep's advice in my head during the day...

a quick hi to you jetgirl. i know you are still out there trying. sorry i have not posted to you more, sometimes i get a bit too buried in my own stuff to reach out and try to help instead of just take. i am glad OM is gone, now the trick is getting him out of your head and heart so there is more room for your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
<strong> Okay, I'm alive...
Hello to Finallylearning, Pep, Sadfww, Hopefulperson, and of course, everyone who has given me their wise advice.

I know that I need to be here, because I immediately felt better today after seeing you guys reach out to me in your posts. Since last Thursday, I've been up and down. OM left a message on Fri...he had 2 more days left with his cell. I did not call him back, and so ...well, he hasn't called me either. Thats that. I don't think I'll be hearing from him. I admit, my feelings have been raw. One minute I'm fine, then a wave hits me, then tears. I close my eyes and think that my H deserves a wife that is faithful..he doesn't deserve to be hurt by me. I still haven't told him..yet.

Hopefulperson, I read your post, and I could feel your words. Thankyou, and no, you weren't mean at all! I need to hear what you have to say. Please post again. I am so depressed today. This week has been the hardest so far. I have been wondering about him. Pep is right--0OM is the dark. Part of me just can't believe it's over..part of me was ready for it to be over. I was to weak to say it. Anyway, I'm sure I'm rambling...believe it or not, in between my waves, I am doing nice things for my H. I do enjoy doing for him, and my kids. I try to keep pep's advice in my head during the day... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jet- I'm so glad to see you posting. Withdrawal IS hard- but you will get through it. Just take one day at a time, keep doing nice things for your family and KEEP POSTING! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

bump- how are you doing jetgirl?

hi sadfww,
thanxs for thinking of me. i'm okay. not great, but i'll take it. had a crazy weekend---my h slipped and fell on the tile and smashed his face...he's got a big bruise on the cheek bone, a stiff neck and back. so, i watched over him...i know i really love him. what have i done?? he loves me the best way he knows how. maybe when i met om it wasn't enough for me. i know i didn't feel loved, but i knew he loved me. do i make any sense? i wonder....i haven't talked to om..look, i'm alive! alittle cranky, but alive. meanwhile, just taking it one day at a time, and rooting for the yankees and the jets!!