Ok guys I am really depressed......I miss him alot...today was our final couples therapy with that horrible counselor.....she's gone for good....now it's up to WAH to use that time to get the help he needs.....but as soon as we left the counseling office he roped me into a financial discussion.....I kept telling myself don't let him push your buttins don't let him get a rise out of you....and he kept on....I held out so long...when i tried to leave he would stand in my car door so I couldn't close it....He keeps telling me it's over date someone else so our son has a step father figure....I tell him I don't want to because it's my descision not to not his...I don't want to add extra confusion to his life by entering a new person into it....and I just really don't feel like I want a relationship or another marriage...one was enough for me....I believe in one marriage one love....yes I screwed up and went astry but I found my way back...he says he's moved on (his 1 1/2 month relationship..where he slept with her after dating her 2 weeks)and I will ruin our sons life then if I don't date.....I am so lonely and depressed....everything he's told me tells me just give up your dead in the water....but there is that side that says AT ALL COSTS DON'T GIVE UP........I have been trying so hard to be nice....he hardly contacts us....he's always too busy....he spends 3-4 hours a week with his son because he says it's the only time he has....no matter how hard I try to turn it off he still remains in my heart....should I just give up.....or go dark....HELP!

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

MHT,

It is getting late for me, and I am not going to be much help, but I will give it a shot.

That line about you ruining your son's life if you don't provide him with a male role model?

Calm down and ask yourself if that in any way makes sense?

Who is the father of this boy? HIM. He can't get out of his responsibility THAT easily. It would be different if he prematurely died or something, but he hasn't.

He is lashing out at you right now because he wants you to hurt. Don't know why. I can't get the sense of it from your post.

You kind of wrote a bunch of blurbs and you seem a little frantic. All I can say is a kid needs a mom and a dad. You can't do anything about the dad, but you can about the mom. So calm down. If you or the kid are not in some kind of immediate danger, then there is no reason to do or say anything reckless. It is unfortunate, but the best chance for you AND for your kid is for YOU to make sensible choices. Gather the information. Distill the facts and the important points. Weigh the outcomes. Make the sensible decision.

Sounds like your emotions are running things right now. NOT a good place to be. Take five. Calm down. Put together a post with some more information so we can help you better and try again tomorrow. If you and the kid are safe (sounds like you are), nothing earth shattering will happen in the next 24 hrs. Get some rest and put your thoughts together.

NCW

It is very important that you do not powerstruggle insane sentiments...

which is exactly what you did... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

the flip side of the crappola your husband is saying...is really his seeking reassurrance that you are NOT dating ...that you are not even considering dating.....and he pushed and pushed you...till he got the reassurance ..while the whole time appearing to want you to be dating...

Shakespeare comes to mind...in the vein of

"thou doth protest too much"

learn to smile when he says....

He keeps telling me it's over date someone else so our son has a step father figure

say back to him...

"really you think so"
"interesting"
"well dear thanks for the advice"
hmmmm dear I will take that into advisement"

anything else plays into his hands...

you deny and argue the insanity of his sentiments...
he walks away wiping the sweat from his brow...whispering...
"whew...thank God SHE isn't cheating on me right now......" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

weather these storms..
smile
don't position yourself again to having your back against wall..
physically or verbally..
always keep the door to your back...

ARK

Your husband is not insane even though he may say things that sound insane.

Arky,,, nailed this one on the head and the reason I say so is because I used to be your husband.
During the early stages of my shock from my wifes affair, I can recall several times telling her "go be with the other man I dont want you,, you might as well find someone else" never ever did I really mean this. It was allways music to my ears to hear my wife say "I dont want that sorry [censored] he is only a reminder of my wrecked life,,,, all I want is you,, you are my husband."
Even after she said this I think I responded like,,,"well then you should not have F----d him"

I exploited my wifes remorse to bring her down,, to make her feel very sorry for her actions.
I loved hearing her say she did not want anyone else,,,, and she said it quite often,,, but I kept telling her to find someone else,,, Like Ark said the reason we BH's might act this way is to gain assurance you are not with anyone else.

My wife eventually reality checked me by saying "If you really want me to start dating then I will do it,,, but I am doing it because it is what you say will please you,, I want to please you" When I heard those words I cleared my head and finally started realizing the damage I was causing to myself,,, In truth it would have crushed me if she was with someone else.
So you see its not insanity,,, its a ploy we BH'S exploit to gain personal reassurance.
Give him a reality check,,, let him think about it and then see if his actions do not change.

thanks guys...now I just have to worry about tonight his visitation is tonight and he wants to talk about finances...he is pushing for me to give him all things financial....he even wants MY credit cards so he can take everything and be the responsible one...i really don't see how that will help me if our divorce is final and then all of a sudden I have no help.....I wish I wasn't such an emotional person.....if I could flip a switch and make it so these things he says doesn't hurt me....I mean this man confuses me...like with the whole key chain thing... Key chain incident why was he thinking of me when he was with his mistress? I just don't get his thinking...but when he does talk to me he seems so damn determined we will never be anything ever again....*heavy sigh* so any Ideas to help me get through tonight?

You should NOT be discusing finances with him tonight. You need to decide what you want before you can have this discussion. You can have him tell you want he wants to pay and so forth and tell him you will get back to him. Do not agree to anything tonight.

Ok...I will not give him answers tonight....I know I want him home and for all this to be resolved....but I know that can't be right now....but thanks for the good advice kloe...that gives me something to go on...

hehehe....ok all here is the scoop...WH came over...and we visited together with DS....and we made conversation and laughed...and generally had a good time....when we finally put DS to bed together....I expected him to leave...but he didn't he hung around...I just kept a happy additude and went about my business cleaning house...(going into the kitchen by myself or the bedroom to take a breather and reality check myself to stay calm)....he then gave me sone presents people had given him last month for our son's birthday.....and gave me a movie gift certificate I had let him use a while back....since a friend and i are going to the movies this sunday....he was nice and even offered to do stuff...I told him no don't worry i'll take the trash out....but he grabbed the bag of used kitty litter and helped...he hugged me nicely then left....he was here for 30 or 45 min after we put DS to sleep...and at times had a longing/guilty/uncomfortable look on his face....sooooo good signs or bad signs....

Oh and he never once brought up financial stuff...

and see when thing like last night happen i have odd dreams something about diamonds and black holes and being in an alternate reality.....over active imagination?

Bump....sorry just waiting on an interpritation of WH actions last night...oh AND...I pulled out of the store parking lot....and guess what WH was going to wherever he calls home from work...usually he goes straight....well he swerved and got into the turn lane behind me....then stayed in the lane to the left behind me...and when I turned down our street I could see him watch me in my rearview mirror as he passed....WHAT is going on...he wants a divorce and has moved on with OW.....but he follows me when he sees me?

Hard to tell what is in his mind. Are you in Plan A?

yup.....trying to stay calm...I keep reminding myself to not let him push my buttons....and I do admit it's tough and i have cried on more than one occasion but I am getting better and I have taken the approach of writing him letters like he's away at boot camp because he's missing out ALOT on DS's milestones....he's missed his first steps and first word....and his first swimming marvel.....I feel like I need to give him something to keep him up to date on that

How did he come to move out of the house?

well first he kicked Ds and I out and we had to go live in an OLD drafty apartment where you had to use a bucket to flush the toilet....and I got sick of it and told him...NO...we are coming home whether he likes it or not...I wasn't raising my son there anymore....and if he didn't want to stay with us he could go live there....well he did....well you see the apartment is above my work....a veterinary hospital....and my boss found out he was living there said....no he's gotta get out it's a liability to have him up there...and he really didn't trust him to not have anyone up there....so now he is living on friends couches till he gets a place of his own

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

Hmmm. It is very early in this whole thing to know what will happen or what he is thinking.

I suggest that you spend your time working on making a nice home for your son and you. Also try to exercise, get out with friends, and start making some changes in you.

Although it is hard at first, you will find that you can have a nice life, instead of just pretending to be happy when he is around, while you are dying inside.

Thanks believer....I am going out this weekend...while he babysits DS....he's asked where I am going and who i am going with...I just declined to asnwer....

I think you need to be honest with him right now, not try to make him jealous. I know you are very hurt that he has OW, but you two have a history together and a child.

Also I would make your home sparkling clean and pleasant, and encourage him to take a bath there. When he comes over for visitation, be cooking something yummy.

Your husband is hurting, and is not letting you close to him right now, but that can change.

i have tried offering food...food in the past he loved....and he treated me as tho i poisened it....and i told him he could come take a shower whenever he needed...he is relying on other friends tho...but he apparently won't even ask OW for help....as for the jealousy thing....i just don't want him...getting into my life...when he lies and keeps things from me...last thing i need is for him to alienate my other friends from me....

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>

Okay, he feels very hurt, and so is stubborn. But I would still continue working on him.

Spend some time fixing up everything perfect for you and baby. I know you are probably tired working and taking care of child, but it will do sooooo much for your self esteem.

Have some nice flowers around, and the good smell of something cooking. Let him decline to eat, but just keep up your efforts. This is not going to be quick or easy.

But doing these things will help you feel better and may lead him back home.

Ahh thankies believer you are a true doll....I have been making efforts to clean and make sure I look good myself...dolled up and smelling nice when I know he will be around.....I think I will definatly be making corn chowder soon in bread bowls next week.....DS just had surgery last week so I have been run ragged....but the little tike is doing great and making a wonderful recovery.....hey at least i don't need the ambien to sleep anymore...probally will tho when he serves me his response....but anywho...I think he did notice how much weight I have lost last night...and *squeals like a giddy school girl* I went to buy my dress for my cousins wedding....I actually fit a large...I haven't fit a large for 6 years...and it was a ralp lauren and it was stunning...so classic....WH is accompaning my to the wedding....can't wait to see his reaction....Must say one thing divorce and seperation is good for...weight loss...hehehe

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: missinghimterribly ]</small>