Ok.. here is an update.

H and I went a step back into our relationship. We do not fight, I am not bitter, or angry. If I want to be angry, I just try to focus on things that I've learned from my new book. Meditation is healthy for everyone.
He comes home, he talks to me about his work, his hopes for the future, what he wants.. (the big car, big house ectt...) I talk about none of that, I just really listen. He's a lot happier these days, so his negative energy is not pushed on me. I even think that I'm pulling on his positive energy these days which is funny since he has SUCKED all the positive energy out of me.

Anyways, I'm not passive, but I'm a lot calmer I think. I read a lot now instead of the internet all day, I fix my bedroom really nice now I make money <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ....... the little business is going farely well although I have a lot of newcomers to do their hair, but its ok, I get to teach them some stuff. I'm looking at taking some night classes...and talked to my mother in law about me getting finishing this year a bit quicker because my degree can be converted into a french school and I might be able to teach algebra.. I'm lefty... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think its my dream job actually to be a teacher, and they are asking for a lot of them.

My husband is a sick man.. there isn't only ONE there is a collection of girls.....just that one was willing, and too willing. When I pack my bags he cries.. funny.. but I'm at peace living with him under one roof. Since his laptop blew out, I found a lot of things ... but nothing new.. I saw all the conversations with her.. and all the things she said, and all the things he said. I was suppose to be OVER this. It kinda hurt to see all the stuff he said, but doesn't eat at me like it did couple of months. and I saw some more pictures.. he KEPT them....ok.. but he keeps everything apparently.. she's so ugly and fat... and shudders* I have nothing against fat people.. but c'mon... this has nothing to do with me.. its him that's sick and its been proven over and over again.

He seems to stay offline less often now, maybe he goes at work.. I can't keep track of that, not that I care to.. but a girl can wonder. We made a pack that I don't check up on him he doesn't check up on me.

Finally went on a date ... YES I went on a date... took off my wedding ring and did it!! Nothing happened I couldn't even kiss the guy. I was completely honest with him and he understood why I couldn't.... sad.... I also got a couple of phone numbers and two dates for next week or so, I hope I can do better!

I know some of you might think that might be too soon, and that I am not working on my marriage.. but I can't... ONE person can't hold a relationship!

When my H is ready, and if I am ready and hasn't moved on yet, we might work it out.. you never know.


Somehow, since he is happy with his new job, and getting more money, and he is finally working as a translator.... and I'm working we're making almost 2times more than 6 months ago. Things has eased up on us a bit.

We live like good friends, can't say best because you can confide in your best friend. I care for him a lot, and I think he still have feelings for me. None of this is gone, in order for me to keep my heart warm... I must move on.

He kisses me every morning before he goes to work. We sleep in the same bed, we have dinner together. He calls me from work. Nothing really has changed except, no sex, and no questions asked about where we are going, but he comes home straight from work and tells me when he's going to late....

Funny when I let him free to do what he wants, that's when he wants to stick to me more... oh well, but I want to keep this detachment.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Harudah:
<strong> Finally went on a date ... YES I went on a date... took off my wedding ring and did it!! Nothing happened I couldn't even kiss the guy. I was completely honest with him and he understood why I couldn't.... sad.... I also got a couple of phone numbers and two dates for next week or so, I hope I can do better!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[/QB][/QUOTE]

Harudah,
I know you're not expecting anyone here to support you having an A. Please tell me that your H's actions haven't depleated you of your convictions?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Harudah:
I know some of you might think that might be too soon, and that I am not working on my marriage.. but I can't... ONE person can't hold a relationship![/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not about "holding a relationship" it's about integrity, love and committment to our vows and the pledges we've made. It's about looking yourself in that mirror and not letting you feelings of being betrayed push you into seeking fulfillment in others. This seeking or needing others to make us whole may in itself be at least part of the problems in your M. I'm not attacking you, and I'm speaking from my own experience..Yes it's too soon to date, you are still M and you still co-habitate with your H. Harudah I know you're in pain, but please don't do anything that will make you less of a person in your OWN eyes.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Harudah:
When my H is ready, and if I am ready and hasn't moved on yet, we might work it out.. you never know. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a possiblity, and how will your actions stumble that possible reconciliation? When my W was entangled with OM and when she left I had opportunities to find solace in another, these were not opportunities but landmines to my own progression and being a person of conviction and integrity. My W is now back of her own accord and trying to save our M, and I am very happy to say I HAVE NOTHING TO CONFESS. Please think about that while your ripping up those phone numbers. You are going to rip up those phone numbers arent you? You are going to stop "pretending" you're single right? You do realize these things are wrong, and 2 wrongs do not make a right....right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

See I knew you weren't seriously going to continue this road of repeating this craziness. Your far too responsible a person and having all this information on this site, you DO remember how A's start and they are addictions. Good for you Harudah on recognizing how easy it is to fall into a mindstate that allows you to be selfish, but even better for you posting this and stopping these actions before they progress out of control.

RIGHT? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Princess Harudah -

You are a stunningly beautiful woman, so of course you will have lots of dates. You do need to maintain your integrity and tell your husband what is going on.

Familymatters: Thank you for reminding me of that. I know, I think about this. somehow I do not see it as having an affair, since we decided that "don't ask don't tell" issue. So I thought I was in no obligation to him, and him not to me.

I also know I do not want to sink so low to lie and cheat and go around his back. He agreed to the pack, he agreed to me dating.

I think my husband needed to broaden his horizon, because he's 31 and I was the first, and the only.. he went out with girls, but it never went far.. I was "THE ONE" and that was the end. Then he realized, that he wanted more than me, he wants to experience.. so I let him free to do so.

I know he was the one for me and I do love him with all my heart, but he has hurt me so much! I need time to figure things out. I know happiness doesnt' come from someone else, but from within and I'm doing that.. but in the mean time if I can "EXPERIENCE" just like him, I will. If we find someone else in the experimenting better than what we have now.. I will tellhim to just go for it.... but OW isn't.. oops! Anyways, sighs* In all this I am trying to keep my integrity, and my morals.. but sometimes...

One thing I fear is that I do this just to get revenge and that's not what I really want to do.. in th emean time.. I feel like I want to have fun!

Familymatters: Thank you for reminding me of that. I know, I think about this. somehow I do not see it as having an affair, since we decided that "don't ask don't tell" issue. So I thought I was in no obligation to him, and him not to me.

I also know I do not want to sink so low to lie and cheat and go around his back. He agreed to the pack, therefor agreed to me dating.

I think my husband needed to broaden his horizon, because he's 31 and I was the first, and the only.. he went out with girls, but it never went far.. I was "THE ONE" and that was the end. Then he realized, that he wanted more than me, he wants to experience.. so I let him free to do so.

I know he was the one for me and I do love him with all my heart, but he has hurt me so much! I need time to figure things out. I know happiness doesnt' come from someone else, but from within and I'm doing that.. but in the mean time if I can "EXPERIENCE" just like him, I will. If we find someone else in the experimenting better than what we have now.. I will tellhim to just go for it.... but OW isn't.. oops! Anyways, sighs* In all this I am trying to keep my integrity, and my morals.. but sometimes...

One thing I fear is that I do this just to get revenge and that's not what I really want to do.. in th emean time.. I feel like I want to have fun!

FM-

Thanks for responding. Harudah is young, beautiful and smart. Speaks several languages and is extremely talented.

But she does not see this in herself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Harudah:
<strong> Familymatters: Thank you for reminding me of that. I know, I think about this. somehow I do not see it as having an affair, since we decided that "don't ask don't tell" issue. So I thought I was in no obligation to him, and him not to me.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Harudah,
You are too smart for this. You are either M or you not. There really is no gray area and he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. Will he leave? He needs to leave if he thinks he can hold onto you while he does his experimenting. This is such an insult! I hope you see this as the insult that it is. He is attempting to deaden his guilt by offering you the option of taking part in his own debauchery. Did I just say debauchery? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Okay, lets take the focus off of him for a second and get back to you. If your H asked you to perform with him in an act of group sex would you? Seriously, the question isn't that farfetched. You did not marry this man so that you could live together and have some form of open M. You will have LOTS of gentlemen callers, if that's what you want, there's no need to rush the process. Please do not allow his fog to seep into you. If he wants freedom let him have it, but without you. Back to him, I feel sorry for your poor foggy H,I really do. What will he do with himself when he finally discovers he has lost his Harudah? I know what I did, the poor guy really thinks the grass is greener doesn't he? I know it seems like a way to escape the pain, but I think you can overcome the pain and keep your dignity, conviction and pride at the same time. I know if I was single and had the fortune of meeting Mz. Harudah I would very disappointed to hear you were M'd and dating me at of some type of weird understanding in your M. The beautiful Mz. Harudah would go right from being a WOW! look who I met, to OHH NO, another phone number to rip up. Maintain your principles and your convictions, these are non-negoitable for you sense of self and do not engage in activity you would haven't considered prior to D-Day, no matter how much he insist. Don't let him off the hook, if its a divorce he wants, give it to him if your through trying, but do not lower yourself to lessen his guilt. Your soul cannot be bargained and you sense of self cannot be compromised, these things are yours regardless to who you're married to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FM

Actually I wouldn't call his situation the fog, wellmaybe it is.. but I think its his haunting past. He is focusing all his energy on his job these days.. and me in my daily routines.... but anyways, I've asked about an open marriage, truth is, no matter how much I think I will get someone else, be with someone else, I still love him so much, it's not possible!

I am in conflict with myself. I don't want to lose him actually, while it should really be the other way around. I don't think he wants to lose me either, but his mind is messed up.

I just finished looking the pictures we took in spain ...weird.. noone would ever guess there is problem in that marriage.....
My heart is sad for what is happening to him, he needs to find his focus. He claims he can't live without me, or is scared to be without me and that he loves me, but action speaks louder than words.

I also asked him straight out "Do you want an open marriage?" I was raised catholic of course I think its "BS".. his replied was NO.... I asked this more than 10 times already.. because I think in all fairness, if he can go out with girls.. why can't I? TO make it a free for all I just open him up to me having another guy... and we just be roomies.

Then I just told him, that I am willing to have an open marriage, but he said "it would hurt you too much"
then my reply was "it would hurt you too much to see another put his arm around me"

It feels like a silly childish game, but this is what it resort to.

My mother in law suggested that we have our wedding in the church.. funny huh?

Well I straight out said "there is no need for this anymore, it doesn't mean anything."
She looked at my H, and he said "she decides..."

We said when we would have enough money, we'd do a beautiful church wedding..flowers.. reception, the whole nine yards, but I don't feel it anymore. I might just want to pretend i'm single.. so it hurt less when I get out of this.

I know.. its either I want to work at it or I don't.. there shouldn't be any indecision, but right now this is the stage that I am in. I will come out of it sooner or later.

Thanks FM.. I read you well. I see what you are telling me...DON"T let go of my standards..but sometimes we have to cut the lines....

Thanks for replying to me.. I really appreciate, and yes i cancelled my saturday date....don't know why, but I did. I'm spending this saturday with him. Oh well...... we'll see.

Foolish!... As I'm getting prepared to receive my client this afternoon, I put on an old CD I had.. with the song Foolish from Ashanti.. and every word hits me..

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya treatin me so bad
You said you love me, no one above me
And I was all you had
And though my heart is eating for ya
I can't stop crying
I don't know how
I allow you to treat me this way and still i stay

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby I don't know why ya wanna do me wrong
See when I'm home, I'm all alone
And you are always gone
And boy, you kno I really love you
I can't deny
I can't see how you could bring me to so many tears
after all these years

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
Oohhhhh
I trusted you, I trusted you
So sad, so sad
what love will make you do
all the things that we accept
be the things that we regret
too all of my ladies (ladies) feel me
c'mon sing wit me
See, when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change
(never gonna change, never gonna change)
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while im with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you

Baby why you hurt me leave me and desert me
Boy I gave you all my heart
And all you do is tear it up
Looking out my window
Knowing that I should go
Even when I pack my bags
This something always hold me back...


yeah...something's always hold me back......................................................

Hi Harudah, its good to see you.

I am not really sure exactly what is going on with you and H at the moment, but something needs to change. The situation you are in is not healthy.

It is not up to me or anyone else to decide what needs to change or how, only you know that. But you cannot go on as you are.

What do you want? What does your H want? Go from there.

Sending lots of love to you always. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />