Dear Dr. Harley,<BR>I am 36, a stay-at-home mother of 3 children and have been married for 15 years. My husband's addiction started with magazines and videos which I sometimes participated in but for the last 4 years has involved strip bars which he knew I was violently opposed to. My children went on vacation with me and I had him followed by a P.I. to discover he was going to strip clubs, paying the girls as much as it would take to make him ejaculate in his clothes. I suspect there is more that I don't know because I couldn't afford to have him followed the whole time.<BR>He admitted this was a sexual addiction 8 monthes ago and agreed there would be no more use of pornography at all. I am having a hard time believing that he has committed to full honesty with me. He masturbated by himself last night, he says for the first time since then, because I still am having a problem trusting him. He will not discuss the situation with me because it makes him so ashamed. He will not go to a 12 step program. He owns automotive shops which have an abundance of pornography in the rest-rooms which he will not get rid of because it is his employees' property. One of his shops is next door to a strip bar. He now wants to go to Las Vegas for 4 days to a large Automobile Show with two unmarried male employees. This upsets me because practically nude women are abundant at these shows, plus all of the strip clubs there. His employees do enjoy going to these bars. Could you please outline some situations that he should avoid, he really values your ideas when he reads them, and sometimes he believes I overreact in these situations. I have been trying to make love with him 3 times a week, but sometimes it's hard to block out pictures of him with those other women and/or comparing myself to them. I<BR>have to admit that I have been checking up on him alot, trying to justify to myself that it is OK to love and trust him, but I realize I can't control his actions, only he can.<BR>Thank you for being here, Dr. Harley<BR>MMM<P>------------------<BR>MMM

MMM's Husband:<P>You simply cannot imagine the pain your wife endures by any continuance of deceit and frequenting strip clubs especially after what's happened. Your actions directly affected her trust in you. In her mind, she compares herself to strippers now, and worries. She needs a lot of reassurance, and to experience a regular security that you will follow through with your promises. Accept that these things are so, and by valuing her feelings, work WITH her to come to an agreeable solution.<P>She has been hurt; it is asking probably more than she can bear if you go on this trip with two unmarried men and have contact with strippers or scantily clad women who are at auto shows. She will be unable to completely trust you, it's just a simple reality. She will be anxious and nervous. Can you not come up with a different scenario? <P>How about taking your wife WITH you to this show? Find someone to watch the kids.<P>Or, if your plans cannot be changed, brainstorm with her until you both agree on how situations will be handled. Think of her as your partner and stay well away from thoughts of "what she doesn't know...." I would suggest regular phone calls home, and ask her what times hearing from you will help ease her mind. Play out different scenarios as you talk together until you both feel comfortable with what might happen. And if you DO go, bring her home something special!!<P>Or, skip this car show until trust has been re-established. It's one out of many. What's more important...working on your marriage, or leaving your wife to worry (in effect, FORCING her ability to trust) for ONE car show?<P>And sorry--I do not agree in allowing the employees to keep pornography at the shops; it's YOUR business and your wife/partner-in-life has raised objections. They can look at magazines, etc. on their own time if they choose. There's a difference in "being a man" and choosing to remain "one of the guys." They're working for you for a paycheck, right? Not the locker room pictures. Your wife feels your employees' likes or dislikes are more important to you than her feelings.<P>You sound like a "tough guy." I'm married to a "tough guy" too. Took him awhile to figure out that being married is not being "p*ssy whipped." He CAN check in with me when he's with friends. He CAN come home most times instead of another round of pool, a beer, or going out to breakfast. He values his freedom highly and does not tolerate feeling ridiculed. But he finally understands that his friends actually envy his relationship with me, and respect him for how he treats me. When he's turned them down on any activity, they've even told him they understand; if they had someone to come to they would do the same thing. He is a bartender IN a strip club--believe me, he asks a lot from me in the trust department if only because of the work environment itself. I don't think I ask too much from him in return to check in with me and to balance my needs at the same time.<P>When you value your wife's needs as importantly as your own, and she yours, you will be able to solve anything. <P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

I completely understand the pain and insecurity you are feeling. My husband has been "secretly" going to the strip clubs throughout my marriage of ten years. I have caught him at least 6 times(probably more I dont know of). He travels and can do it without my ever knowing(overheard him telling freinds about his "visits" this last time). I came very close to leaving him this last time because of the lying and his total disreguard of my feelings.<P>I dont know if I can say he has a addiction to porn because he never looks at magazines, movies or the internet. I am the one who says "lets get a movie or a magazine" or "lets get online and talk dirty or look at pictures". He rarely ever initiates these things. I"m very open about sex, looking at porn and masturbating(alone or togather). Its completely normal to fantasize and masturbate, but in the safety of your own home. I dont like him "getting off" with other women in a totally sexual enviroment. I feel like if there is any physical contact by another person(especially if they are naked and grinding in your lap) is as close to an affair as you can get. <P>I guess the biggest shock for me was he was shy about his sexuality with me but yet could get togather with a bunch of strangers to "get off". What hurt me the most was I felt like since I never held anything back sexually from him and was very open to sex that he was not doing the same with me. He was being someone different with others. <P>I too have a hard time letting go of those "visions" of my man with other women, but I can let them "rule" my brain or try to move forword. One thing I say to myself when I get a "vision" is ..."I reject that thought"...it seems to help. I too have been trying doing the sexual olympics! "If I give him more sex he wont need this." Well, I realized that I can only give so much of myself and that "sex" is not going to cure anything.<P>The last 3 months have been hell on my marriage. I have been an emotional roller coaster. I didnt know if I wanted to stay with someone who lied and betrayed me so many times. Something happened about a week ago that changed my mind. We were trying to have a discussion one evening and things led to his lying and we got into yet another fight. I told him I cant do this anymore. My husband broke completely down(the first time I ever saw him cry). For the first time I saw how much he was hurting. I realized that there are things that he is dealing with. He was just as vunerable as I am. <P>This crisis has been a major eye opener for my marriage. There are issues we all are going to be faced with. I realized how much I dont know the man I have been married to for 10 years. There is a scared little boy in that big, macho, male body. Sometimes we as women dont take a notice of it because men are supposed to be tough. I am not justifying what my husband did, we still have a long road of "trust" to walk along, but I have opened my eyes to his fears too.<P>

Hi MMM, Lucks, and caron,<P>If you read my profile you will see my history, et all. Basically my H is a SA, addicted to fantasy, porn, and mast.<P>MMM, your H is going to, one day, realize the effects of his addiction on his family. You need to decide what is best for you and your children. Even if you and/or your H is not religious (I am spiritual but still learning a lot about faith, etc.), get Real Audio and listen the program at this link: <A HREF="http://www.icrn.com/Beverly_LaHaye_Today/Archives.asp" TARGET=_blank>http://www.icrn.com/Beverly_LaHaye_Today/Archives.asp</A> It is 8/13/99: The Roots and Fruits of a Man's Temptation.<P>Lucks: I agree with you. <P>In addition, this is about more than being a man or a guy. Read a book about sexual addiction if you want to learn more or visit: <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaddict.com</A> <P>caron, what you are describing is sexual addiction in your H. Basically sexual addiction is compulsive behavior which a person uses to medicate his/her feelings or to fulfill his/her desires without intimacy. And it can be as little as a habit formed over time which basically chemically addicts you to the images you see (whether it is in a mag or at a strip bar) and the sexual release one gets from sex in any shape.<P>You are your H's intimate partner, yet he is not interested in sexual intimacy with you, correct? Classic sexual addiction and can also be called sexual anorexia (even though there is sexual activity either with others or you if you initate it).<P>Hope I have written clearly here.<BR>Let me know what you think. Good luck. I will say that my H is in recovery (10 months worth) after a lifeful of addictive behaviors.<P>Hugz and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful<BR>

Dear MMM<P>I have been researching SA for the last 2 months due to my H behavior. What I can tell you is that as "innocent" as his actions seem now...they will lead to an affair. My H started with strip clubs, then moved on to prostitutes (all the strip clubs did was get him all excited, then frustrated because he couldn't do anything with it). Then he started with cyber sex chats (innocent enough..righnt? - WRONG!). This lead to him actually meeting the sluts he would chat with..and then of course sex.<P>If your husband hasn't already cheated, try Dr Harleys advice. If you love your H, intervene anyway you can now, before it's too late.<P>I wish you the best and I feel your anguish.