As much as I argue that telling H about my A of 5 years..(long over and gone A), it still haunts me that I have this terrible thing that I did hanging over my life...I don't think about the OM in 'lovey' terms anymore, but he does come up in my thinking because of the guilt of what I did.

Anyway, H and I were chatting the other night, he knows a guy who cheated on his wife (ONS) and we were talking about if someone should tell her or not, I suggested he should since he is her friend too. Here is what he said...."I don't see the point in hurting her since it's over"...I asked him (dying inside and thinking this was my chance to come clean) "Would you want to know if I had cheated on you, if it was over?"...He say's 'No, I wouldn't want to know, as long as it's over'...

Ok guys, do you think he knows and was telling me not to give him details? I mean this A went on for 5 years and as far as I know he never had a clue. He must have known something was amiss because he did begin a plan A, which helped me to finally break free of the addiction I had to the OM. He didn't even (and still doesn't) know a thing about MB...I think he just knew I was fading from him and instinctively(sp) knew what to do.

Not sure what to think of this...can I actually move along and drop this guilt I have inside without coming clean to him?..He doesn't want to know...

OK ... he doesn't want to know, so don't tell him...

and the flip side is this ....

if your H ever cheats, he won't tell you about it... that's the agreement in your relationship....

Pep

HI DREAMCATCHER!!!

I think of you from time to time. I know you are probably lurking out there. I see a post or two from you on occasion. i remember how you would stick up for me and i would think to myself, someday i will be able to say, see dreamcatcher, it did work out. it was not easy but it did work out.

as you know, in my scenerio i did confess. i know you were watching closely. i don't know how much you continue to read about my story (this board is so overwhelmingly busy at times!!) but things are working out. sometimes i think, if i could have just dealt with this on my own how much happier/easier things could be.

we were at a point in time where he was working very hard for our marriage. i could have choosen to bury it all deeply enough and let us live happily ever after WITHOUT having to tell him. right?? somehow, i just could NOT do that. I think it was this site that was both my downfall and saving grace.

i think the bottomline was, i could not feel good enough about me in order to be happy and if a person cannot feel happy, it's not very possible to have a really close/happy relationship.

so how about you?? you are asking this question today, which tells me you are struggling to keep this in. does that struggle keep you from having a better relationship with your H? are you "saving" him the heartache of knowing at the cost of not being able to have a authentic/close/healthy relationship with his wife??

ok, on to your specific quesion...

i asked my husband a similar question once, talking about a friend of his who's wife cheated on him. this was BEFORE i confessed. i asked him, if A was over and marraige was good, would you want to know. his answer was YES, he would want to know.

your H answered no, he would not want to know. but do YOU need him to know??? i know that might sound weird, but do you need him to know so you can rightfully claim to be his wife again. i know that thought played a part in my decision too. maybe, given how your H feels about not even wanting to know, he would be able to hear your confession and move forward into recovery a bit easier than my H did. maybe he already knows he could forgive such an act. so if you need his forgiveness.... maybe it would all work out?

what do you think? what do you want to live with inside of you? what do you want to be known?

If you knew he had a cancer would you tell him ? YES the news of a cancer would shock and frighten him BUT it also empowers him to take timely action which sustains his strength and life.

No difference with an affair IMO.

Funny thing Pep...when he was telling me about his friend, etc and then mentioned that he wouldn't want to know either...my first thought was .. hmmm...is there something I've missed here? Maybe he has his own skeletons...I don't know...
Thanks for the reply...I haven't decided not to tell him yet, probably just trying to find any way out of this mess I created...nevermind...

double post

<small>[ September 15, 2004, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by dreamcatcher:
just trying to find any way out of this mess I created...nevermind...

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"nevermind"...

well, I think a lot more is at stake than finding your way out of a mess...

I think how you decide to handle this dilemma may be a defining moment in your life!

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think how you decide to handle this dilemma may be a defining moment in your life! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">VERY TRUE

FL .. I still keep up with your posts when I can, I do find myself feeling protective of you, and you’re right..I watched your situation closely…I guess you know that in the beginning, I was saying to myself…See!!..That’s why I’m not telling!…I do see that you will probably end up with an even stronger marriage because of your courage in standing up and owning what you did….Like I said to Pep, I haven’t decided not to tell him yet, but kinda hung on to that comment of his like a lifesaver….I know deep inside that he really doesn’t mean it that he doesn’t want to know....does he?
One of your questions really blew me away too….

**you are asking this question today, which tells me you are struggling to keep this in. does that struggle keep you from having a better relationship with your H? are you "saving" him the heartache of knowing at the cost of not being able to have a authentic/close/healthy relationship with his wife??**

You are right on there, I know that there are a lot of times when I just don’t put my all into the marriage because of my guilt…argue with myself as I will, I know what the ‘right’ thing to do is…More than that though, I think that my struggle is keeping me from having the relationship with God that I crave, I know that he forgives and loves us all..even in our weakness….but I also know that he loves a pure heart, which I am far from having right now…I feel like when I pray for forgiveness, there is always a weight over me...this secret I have. Nothing I am proud of, but should be a big enough person to own up to my disgusting behavior….


Pep...{{I think how you decide to handle this dilemma may be a defining moment in your life!}}
I know...I'm afraid...Thanks for taking the time to respond to me...

DC,
Well, of course your relationship with God is hurting. What is your husbands faith? Whether he likes the news or not, ultimately, his responsiblity is to make his relationship with Christ as 'good' as he can, then your relationship, then his childrens. Those are the primary duties of a father in a house. As long as you bear this burden, you are hindering his job, and he doesn't even know he can't do it. You are stealing from him a responsibilty of his, of which God will not hold him responsible, for he is ignorant of the events. But, perhaps he might be able to experience a stronger relationship with Christ, if you came clean. Your prayer life has got to just really be a torment right now...especially with knowledge of coming before the Lord with sin in your heart against your brother. Yes, it's scary, but, that is good. That is affirmation of how much you love your husband and value him now. Rejoice in that, thank the Lord, and use this opportunity to strengthen your relationship with Christ. Trust Him. Each time you don't confess to your husband, you tell Christ "I don't trust in You enough to protect, care, and love me, I don't believe you know what I need." (in my humble opinion)

Let me tell you a tiny bit about me. My wife didn't confess to me on what I call dday. I couldn't sleep. My house was a mess. We were living a terrible lifestyle, and I was the instigator, as I was the husband. I bear the responsiblity of what my household became. I tried everything that early am, reading the Bible, everything...finally, I stopped and prayed. God spoke to me that am. "It all stops here, it all stops now." That was what He told me. I knew what the cost would be. My wife was still sleeping while this was going on. I called her father, and confessed to him what our house had become, and that it was my fault. I told him I was bringing an end to it today, and drastic measures were being taken. I told him I knew my wife would leave. I then called her brother and told him also. These were the two people I felt accoutnable to for HER well-being. I wanted them to know that I was following Christ, and at this moment, when she left, she was turning from the Lord. When she woke up, I told her of the changes. She packed her bags and she left. The point is, I knew. I knew what being obedient to God was gonna cost me, but, I said, "Lord, I'm trusting you on this one." My wife is back home today, and we are finding a way through this. Together, we are trying to discover what we are. It might have not turned out that way. All I knew was she would leave that day, and past that, I had to trust God. My relationship with Christ is much much stronger because of that defining moment.

You have tools that operate in the physical world to help you through this (mariage builders)...you know what your husband is about to experience. You also know where to go for help. I think you are much more equipped than alot of people in your situation. Who knows what the outcome will be, only God. But, it does come down to how much you trust Him.

Hi dreamcatcher -

I've never posted to you before. I'm a FWW. I just wanted to say I think it's dangerous to try to assume what your H knows, thinks, or feels. M is hard enough without trying to read each other's minds all the time!

You're H might think he knows what he'd want, based on someone else's situation, but I think a lot of us at this site have learned that what we think we want is not what we want when we KNOW something based on our own situation.

Do you have a pastor or counselor you can ask to help you make your decision?

Obviously you're the only one who can decide what you will do as far as confessing the A or not. I expect you're praying about it very carefully. Don't try to guess what your H's reaction will be, though. If you decide to tell, hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

Have a plan - especially in case your H decides he doesn't want to stay in the M. From reading this site, you probably have a pretty good idea about what the fallout can be like.

I believe all things are possible with God, but I've been on the planet long enough to know that people have free will and can mess up what God wants.

God bless you as you decide what to do. It's a hard road either way.

Sincerely,

Rose

<small>[ September 15, 2004, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

{{If you knew he had a cancer would you tell him ? YES the news of a cancer would shock and frighten him BUT it also empowers him to take timely action which sustains his strength and life.}}

Bob...I've been thinking about this since I read your post earlier...and please don't think I'm saying this to be a smart*ss, because I don't mean it that way a bit...

but, no..I wouldn't tell him he had cancer if he told me he would rather not know. If I thought it would make it easier on him, I would keep it to myself and try to make him as happy as possible...I'm not trying to argue that it's right not to tell H about my A...but I wanted to answer your question honestly..

I do get your point though, and with God's help, I will do the right thing for everyone..I know, I know, kinda late for that, but it's all I have to work with ... Thanks for taking the time to reply..

dc:

Boy, I don't know. Hearing about you having a conversation like that got me wondering.

If *I* had been asked by my FWW whether I'd want 2 know... ...NEVERMIND the 2uestion, I'd be thinking "where is THIS coming from?" or worse, "hm... ...maybe I should SEEK an A, because not only could I live the lie, my BS would help me protect it because they don't want 2 be told! Such a deal! COOL!"

Makes you wonder.

-ol' 2long

Rook and Rose...Both of your posts really touched me and gave me much to think about..thank you..


sorry, started this post and then realized it's quitting time...I want to read both of your posts over again before I respond...like I said, lots to think about.

<small>[ September 15, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

but what if you knowing he had cancer, without him knowing, would impact you in such a way that you could no longer be a person capable of "making him happy"?

which is just another way to re-ask the question:

are you "saving" him the heartache of knowing at the cost of not being able to have a authentic/close/healthy relationship with his wife??

if the answer is yes, what can you do about it? obviously most people here will say, confess. do you have an alternative? because i think it is safe to say, your internal struggle IS impacting your M.

i know how scary the concept of confessing is dreamcatcher. you know i know!! when i first started posting here that i had decided to confess and was trying to figure out when and how exactly, internally i was not believing myself. i was not intentionally lieing in order to decieve you all, the reverse actually, i was tricking myself into action. (i don't know if that really makes sense). i guess it was a form of faking it till you make it. by posting here that i was going to do it when i was still internally saying NO WAY!!!!, i was actually slowly convinced myself that i was really serious until i finally did it.

i don't know what is the best answer for you. others here would say, of course you know the best answer, she must confess!!!! i know i would like to see you happy, really happy and at peace again inside. i do believe that in the long run, you will only find that peace by confessing. you will only be able to truely claim to be his wife again by confessing. and i do believe that is what you really do want.

i am praying for you dreamcatcher. march was not that long ago for me. i know exactly how you are feeling right now. but at the same time, march seems like ages ago because i am so different now. but then our circumstances are slightly different. OM for you is no where in the picture anymore. for me, i was still struggling to get out from the mess. if i had not of confessed, the A might of started up again... hard to say.

are you in IC at all??? or were you at any point since the A ended?

Rook...Your post brought tears to my eyes, because I could tell you see very well where I am right now..knowing that I have to give this up to God, if I'm ever going to get right with HIm and myself..not to mention my H and my M. I feel like I'm getting closer to that, and the funny thing is, I couldn't even tell you why...maybe I've come far enough through my healing that I am opening up to what I know is my salvation more and more...I clicked a link in another thread and opened Psalm 38 the other day. I can't describe the feeling of 'getting it' that came over me, and I've been reading more Psalms ever since. Is it silly to think that God is trying real real hard to get through to me here at MB?...I don't know, but it felt like a turning point.

My H is Catholic by faith, doesn't really go to church anymore and hasn't since his father died 5 years ago. I know he believes, but I think he may still be angry about losing his dad and that keeps him away from the Church. I do fear that a confession from me would push him further away from God.

I am also Catholic, and although I find attending Mass comforting, I think I need to explore other options of worship. I have been looking into attending a non-denominational church I've heard about..although that would probably throw my mother into a tizzy, more and more, I think its' something I need.... I"m not sure if this makes sense, but growing up Catholic, we were pretty much taught that if you attended confession, admitted your sins to the Priest, and said your penance...all would be well. I've found that it's not quite that easy...

Thank you very much for your post, and I will be thinking of everything you said and know that I have to give it over to Him if I want to have peace in my soul. Thanks for your help

Rose..I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of my H's reaction when he finds out. I'm pretty confident that he wouldn't leave...he really does love me so very much, a real love that I can see and feel. I think he could get past it, it's just that I hate to hurt him. I know it's too late for that and not having the A in the first place would have taken care of that, but as he never knew, I never had to see the hurt that I KNOW will be there when I tell him. He's an alcoholic and struggling to control his drinking right now, I know this is going to send him to the bottle, I know it.

I just keep hearing him saying he wouldn't want to know.

FL, Thanks for the encouragement, and I do see how good it was for you to confess. It's a struggle that I thought I had beaten, but God has not let me sweep it under the carpet I think. Your post made me cry, I know you have been where I am and lived through it..came out stronger for it, I KNOW I can do this...I know I HAVE to do this.

See I say that I KNOW what to do, gather up the conviction to DO IT..and then waffle when it's time to look him in the eye and actually SAY IT.

PS: I'm not and haven't been in IC ever. Could probably use it...ya think?? lol..

Thanks again..

DC...

One quick thing... your affair doesn't cause him to drink, nor your confession of it. It's his own weakness and vulnerability to alcohol that causes him to drink. I think you have found a very interesting door to your confession. His treatment pre-A may have led you away from him, but, you made the decision to have the affair, of which he really had nothing to do with. The same goes for his alcohol use, should he go that route. Your actions may have encourage him to drink, but, it's ultimately a decision and sin of his own.

DC,

Many questions, no answers, sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

How long has your affair been over?

How long as your H been sober?

Did your H do a 12 step plan of sorts?

Did he apologize to you for his behavior while drinking, and for drinking?

If so, what did he say to you?

Does he have a counselor that he is close to or someone he trusts?

Do you have someone you are close to that you trust?

Has your H's behavior in the marriage changed in the last few years and if so how?

Has your behavior in the marriage changed? Before, during and after the A?

Does your H exude confidence or does he fear things such as his own weakness, especially where alcohol is concerned?

Do you feel you are withholding from him for fear he will get too close and the pain for you too great, knowing what you know?

Do you fear that he would think less of you once he knew?

Does or did he lean on you while recoverying from alcoholism and subsequent withdrawal?

Do you provide him strength?

Does he provide you strength?

Is he depressed about the loss of his father?

How old is he?

I have so many questions, but I feel how you answer these questions will offer up a guidepost to the best way to accomplish what you want to accomplish. So please give it a try. Feel free to add anything else I may have forgotten.

God Bless,

JL