I went to my first IC session last night. My husband went to his last week. He really wanted me to go. I thought he wanted me to work on issues and him also. Turns out that he just wanted her to tell me that he wants out and wants to work on a plan with me to do so. She didn't tell me this and that really bothered him.

She actually agreed with me that he is totally disrespecting me and that I need to make up my mind what I am going to do. I can either kick him out. Or I can just focus on myself and my kids and get stronger. Ignore what he is doing,babble back when he talks his fog talk and then when I feel like I don't want to do this anymore then ask him to leave.

Since Friday night my husband has went out every night around 9 and has called the OW for almost 2 hours everytime. He is back to his distant and withdrawn self. Also he now tells me to give him till the end of the month to get everything ready and then he will leave. Even though he has done nothing. No job hunting, no calling anyone to see if he can stay, nothing. His sister says he is all talk. That may be true but he cannot keep calling her and flaunting this affair infront of my face.

For the next few weeks. I am going to allow him to stay. He can do whatever. I am not going to give him the reaction he is looking for. If he goes out to call her I will go to bed or watch a movie. When he comes in I will go on my merry way and not even say anything. When he says foggy things I am just going to agree with him and babble back. When he says I don't understand him I am just going to say well maybe you are right. If things don't change soon though then I will tell him to find a place and leave. He already knows that if he goes that he will not be allowed in the delivery room and I really don't want anything to do with him. I told him no calling me, emailing or coming to see me. Also I think right now my son would be better off not even seeing him if he goes. He said whatever I want.

Our MC said she feels my husband is very confused. And is fence sitting. That I need to shake the fence. She also feels that he may need to go to see that his fantasy is not really reality. Which my be the only way for him to realize things. He told me last night that he knows the grass is greener with me but he still wants to go. What do I say back to him when he says this??? I am sorry for the vent. Just want you guys to know I feel so much stronger.

Bump

I sit and think about my life without him in it. Yes it will be good to be free of all of this chaos I deal with every single night. I often think why do I still want and love this man. I feel stupid sometimes. I realized I love the memories of the man he was and that I know he can be. The man that is in my life right now I would have never fell for. Rude, uncaring, disrespectful and very selfish. The man I use to love was tenderhearted, caring, loving, respectful and so much more.

If he goes I know I will miss him. He was my best friend, lover and husband for 7 years. I can't imagine him not being there to talk to and share things with. To laugh, cry and have fun with. But there is nothing more I can do. I have laid it out on the line. He knows I am willing to change and work on myself and our marriage. He knows I am willing to forgive him and move on but until contact ends we are at a standstill.

Today I am focusing on myself. My plan is to be there for him but to show him I will not come down to his level. No more fights, LB's, tears and such. I am going to show him I am a strong woman and I will make it with or without him. If he wants the OW so much he can have her. But I think as soon as she gets him and all the baggage that comes along she will soon drop him when they both realize their fantasy is not reality. But by then I probably will no longer want him in my life.

SML,
Forgive me, but I need to ask how did your plan A go? Did your plan A result in any progress? Is there any exposure beyound yourself? Are you going to do a plan B if he leaves? Why wait until the end of the month to leave? If he really wanted to leave, why is he still there?

If I have learned anything about affairs its this..until the WS chooses to stop all contact, the affair will not end, however, almost all affairs end. The real question is how much will you endure and for how long? The Harley book is so true because most affairs run in a predictable pattern. The length and intensity varies, but the are many similarities.

I really empathize with your pain knowing that he is calling her every day. I know you struggle with allowing it or not. I would say that you make sure that he knows it hurts you every time but at the same time you are getting stronger and more confident. At some point you will come to the realization that you will be okay no matter what the outcome. At some point when he threatens to leave, you will say okay and help him pack.

It took me about a year to get to that point. What is really interesting is that when my attitude changed, so did my wife's. I stopped saying I love you all the time just so I could hear her tell me the same. In reality, she was just saying it to appease me. Of course there were moments where she did bounce out of the fog and tell me she loved me, but until recently, it was very inconsistant. That's the waffling Harley talks about.

With God's guidence and strength, I was able to do a pretty good plan A and really give her somthing to think about while she was still indecisive. Also, to her credit she went for long periods on no contact, but would eventually fail. She recognized it as failure, but like any addiction she rationalized her behavior. After a long plan A, over a year, she has finally made her choice. She admitted last week the she really appreciated that I hung in as long as I did and that we have a great future together. Now we may be able to move into recovery.

Again, I take no credit for my strength in all of this and I have learned alot about love and life over the past year. I give all the credit to God for sustaining me and holding our M together. Am I stronger now? You bet I am? I know now that I need and depend on God alone. My needs are secondary to my wife's. I don't have to be disappointed when my needs are not met. My selfish side has taken a back seat and I have learned to give unconditionally.

The best advice I received was from ForeverHers. He always said it takes time and patience and to hang in there, it will get better. I can say the same for you. I can add that it also takes endurance. Don't give up hope of recovery. Failure comes when you give up. Also, take this time to grow spiritually. You will get stronger. Your MC is right about your choices and that with each choice there are consequences resulting from that choice. Right now, you are the only one in the M capable of making the right choice. I know it is unfair, but it is nevertheless true.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Roman,
I am afraid I haven't done the greatest plan A. Everytime I start doing a good job at it he seems to notice I am different and does something to spite me and hurt me everytime. If it's not going to see her 10 hours away then it's calling her and having her call the house when I am at work. He even let her talk to our 3 year old son after I told him not to.

Our baby is due in Nov. I am going to try my best plan A that I can till then. If he wants to go when the end of the month comes I will not stop him this time. He can figure out what he is going to do. He wants me to sit down and plan out the seperation. I told him there is nothing to plan out. If he wants to go then go that I will be fine. That I can manage without him.

When I did do plan A and stuck to it. I did notice changes in his attitude towards me. I saw positive signs. But it seems like lately the addiction of the OW is getting much worse.

At first I tried to handle everything on my own. But the last 2 months I have called out for God to help me. I know I cannot do this without him. And I know that whatever happens I will still have him by my side to help me through it. Thank you so much for your advice and support.

SML - I am just worried that he is going to interpret this as your acceptance of his A, that his actions are alright to you. And of course this isn't alright. I hate to see him treating you with such disrespect, especially while you are carrying his child. I hate to say it, but I think he is going to have to leave to realize how good he had it. I really think you should consider asking him to leave NOW and hopefully he will wake up before the baby gets here.

Have you given any more thought to exposing to OW's father? I don't see what you have to lose at this point. This would help to break up the reality of the affair.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling stronger, but just remember you deserve better then what you getting. Never settle for less.

Kloe,

I totally agree. And I don't want him to think that I accept what he is doing. I did tell him last night that he has his freedom do whatever. Also told him that I do not agree with what he is doing and that if he wants to work on our marriage and see if he can be happier then he knows what he needs to do.

I feel stronger but then again I feel like it will break my heart so much to see him walk away from me. If he can do that then he must not care at all about me or his kids. He tells me all the time he knows he is being selfish. That he's not much of a man if he walks out but he still wants to go because he wants to be happy.

I just talked with his sister and she said she saw him today at work. That he looks so depressed and sad. Poor thing. I talked to him earlier and he sounded sad. I said why do you sound so unhappy. He asked me what he has to be happy about. I don't see much hope right now. If he does leave at the end of this month then I will not break down and ask him to stay, beg, cry or anything. I will let him go. I also believe at this point the only way he will see it's not a good choice or what he thought is for him to go experience it.

I think about exposing the affair to her father everyday. But I have not got up the courage to call him yet. I guess I just feel like if I do there would be no chance at all for my husband to want to stay and work things out.

I do deserve better than this. I deserve what he has promised and told me so many times. If he can't stick by his promises then it's his loss and he will be the one to regret it down the road.

My H’s A was a fantasy protected by the “bubble wrap” of secrecy and privacy. Aren’t they all? Some WSs get so lost in that fantasy, they forget that over time this euphoric feeling will be eroded by reality’s intrusions – work, kids, money, stress . . . you name it. They don’t even see that this “euphoria” comes at an emotional cost until the A ends.

On Dday #2 (May), my H seemed oblivious to what the A could cost him. It wasn’t until he came home that day, found that my sons (14, 12) and I had packed up our belongings and were loaded in the car ready to leave, that he realized I was actually serious. He was going to loose everything he had always cherished – his W, M, and sons, not to mention his extended family and home.

It wasn’t until he made the decision to end the A, that he realized what an emotional burden living two lives was – he told me this later.

Four months later, I am still cautious and insecure. I can see definite progress with his interaction with me – loving words, touches, and passions which feel “real” this time, unlike the false recovery period.

It took a bold stand to bring my H back. Maybe yours needs one too to realize what he has to loose - what that stand will can be based on what you know about your WH. Good Luck - BT

SML,
My last post was added while you were posting. Those feelings you have right now are very similar to my feelings. Trust me, that man you knew before still exists under that so-called fog. Your M will be forever changed by this and it is really important how you react when all this ends.

I think you are taking the right stand and it sounds like you have the right attitude toward the situation. Just keep focusing on your changes and getting better. He will see them and will respond. Contact is a problem, but I see it as a temporary one. Eventually their selfishness will get the best on them. My bet is the OW will put loads of pressure on him. So you need to try to aviod pressure and be determing to stay the course as long as possible.

I agree with Kloe72 as to how he is treating you, but asking him to leave is a mistake. I would not tell you to beg him to stay, but rather let him go if that is his choice. You cannot change him, but you can influence him. I still remember the fierce rejection aimed at me when the fog was thick. It will take time for him to believe your changes are real and to trust you again. One other thing, I recommend you start the forgiving process now. Don't wait until contact ends. You will have to forgive him every day. You won't want to do it for him, but you need to do it for yourself. Don't harbor the anger, let go of it.

Unfortunately, the recovery of the M depends on you. On top of that you are expecting, but you seem to have alot of courage. There are some verses in Joshua 1:5-9. Take a look at them. Also, I would encourage you to look at Finally Learning's post on the Beth Moore book "Breaking Free". It may help.

I used to wake up every morning hoping for change. I never quit, I wanted to, but never quit. There will come a day when things turn around and he will see you for who you really are. He will appreciate you again and will regret his behavior. You have to decide if you can be there when that day comes.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Thank you Roman for all your good advice. I don't think I am going to ask him to leave. But if he suggests he is leaving I am going to tell him that is his choice.

Like you. I also wake up every morning hoping for a change but nothing happens. But I don't want to quit to early. But also I don't want to allow him to walk all over me either. I will continue to pray for guidance as to which path I should take.

I don't want to say go until I have thought everything through and feel confident with my choice.

SML,

U sound much stronger. When your H looks and acts sad, remind him of all his effort into the A. Did he do that t/b unhappy now? If not, then why the A effort? Wouldn't he be better off putting his energies into what would make him lastingly happy? Hm.... for the WS that c/b running away from the family but that is temporary happiness in the fog. Let him know that he needs to think of what lasting happiness means.

Drugs, alcohol and affairs all run on short term psuedo happiness. That feel good feeling is phony at best.

True happiness exists within a working environment, where each person/family member contributes to the entire family and a WS can't get any of this true type of happiness in an A.

You will know when it is time to go to plan B. You have a little one on the way and your focus s/b on your the baby, yourself and the children. The WS needs to provide for all of you regardless of how he feels. Don't let his selfishness creep over your needs.

take care,
L.

Orchid,
I do remind him that the happiness he is searching for or found right now is temporary. He always has something to say back. Like I'm not stupid or I don't care I want out of this marriage. I am to the point where I am not going to say much more to him. He knows what he is doing. I think he knows he is being a A** but he is so far into his addiction right now he doesn't know how to stop or want to.

He has been like this all our marriage. Addicted to video games, online games, porn and now this. He gets really into something. Wastes a great deal of time and energy. Hates himself about it because he wants to be working on his ideas but doesn't know how to make himself stop. I think it's the same with this. He has tried NC but it never has lasted more than a week or so.

I am trying now like you said to focus on my pregnancy, children and myself. He can come along with me or he can stay behind and live with the mistakes he is making.

Also today I have been so moody. I think with the stress of everything and these pregnancy hormones I can't win. I have been on my 3 year olds case all day. The least little thing sets me off. He finally just fell asleep and I feel somewhat better. Maybe I will go take a bubble bath and read one of my new books.

SML, I don't know anymore of your story than this post. But there is one thing you can do to help yourself and you already know what that is; contact her father. I have struggled with the same thing for a long, long time. When I finally called OM it was a relief. He made it clear to me that he wouldn't care if W got hit with a bus. It didn't end the A but it made me understand where my problem lied. There is absolutely nothing negative that could come from it. The father could dismiss in which case you'll have a better understanding of what you're dealing with or he could immediately end depending on his relationship with his daughter. As a father of two young ladies I would appreciate such a call and the opportunity to save my daughter(s) from a lifetime of pain and possibly help save a marriage. Give the father some credit and make the call. He'll thank you I'm sure. As far as H's reaction to you doing that; it's irrelevant. He's not acting like your H right now.

SML - What are your plans for the weekend? How is the baby doing? Make sure you take care of yourself and get some rest!