Hello. My H and I have been married for nearly 19 years, have 2 children (17 and 11), he is 44, I'm 46.

He is going through MLC. Last year was a tough year for both of us as our jobs were not satisfying and he left his of 19 years and got a new job. In Feb he told a woman that he's worked w for 2 years that he was in love with her. They are having an emotional affair. She is married (she's contemplating divorce), has 3 kids (13, 10, 8), her H is unstable.

At the end of March, my H told me I love you but I'm not in love with you. He moved out in June.

My H doesn't know if he wants to come back to our marriage. I'm in limbo and so is he. Both of us are starting couples therapy next week. We're seeing the therapist individually first, and hopefully, my H will want to see the therapist together.

How do Dr. Harley's suggestions work when you know someone is in MLC? I've been following the suggestions in The Divorce Remedy, but I'm coming to the end of my rope. I think he's going to make the decision to end our relationship.

HELP.....

ustr

bump! Someoen please give this lady some ideas!!!!!

My opinion is that you need to do a PlanA. Read all about it on this site and get yourself a copy of "Surviving an Affair".

Hope someone else can be more specific!

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: Debbra ]</small>

Welcome. Yes, mine had the mid life affair. Only he was a little younger-oh well.

Start with plan A and read the general welcome. Every situation is different, but there is no easy way to say this so I'll just get it out. Most likely your H was/is having a physical affair. They just don't go unless they have somewhere to go. He will lie thru his teeth, but I've been around a while and this is pretty typical. It does not mean it is over. Many of us survive this. Dr. Harley's book is a good place to start. It's going to be OK-hang in there. Exposing the affair is important. Does her H know? He should also know.

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 07:02 AM: Message edited by: new jersey ]</small>

<small>[ October 04, 2004, 08:28 AM: Message edited by: pjohn ]</small>

ustr, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here.

Do you know if your marriage counselor is pro-marriage? The reason I ask is because most MC are not. That may seem unbelievable, but they often counsel divorce instead of marital recovery. This is one of the many reasons that Marriage Builders is so successful, it teaches people how to recover their marriages, instead of jumping to divorce. Certainly, some marriages are not salvagable, but if they are, MB gives them a good shot.

I would suggest that you read everything you can on this website about the MB concepts. You can find the concepts on home page. Plan A and exposure of the affair are probably your best bets right now. Plan A means trying to meet his needs the best you can and avoiding all lovebusters, i.e.: disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, demands. That will push a wayward spouse [WS] away and work against you.

Exposure is probably the most potent weapon that you have. It can quickly bring an end to an affair. See, the affair cannot survive in the light of day, it is dependent on secrecy to maintain its essential fantasy aspect. But when it is exposed, the affairees start to see their affair through the eyes of others when they are called to explain it. They begin to see how sleazy they look. Exposure WAKES them up by throwing cold water on the affair.

It is best to expose to the OP's spouse, your family, his family, your friends. Sometimes it is helpful to expose at work, it depends on the situation. But the single most effective exposure is to the OP's spouse because he/she can then put pressure on the affair from that end.

And you said that the OW's H is "unstable?" Do you know that almost ALL OW and OM say this about this spouse? Your H is probably saying the same thing about you. They have a strong need to demonize their spouse in order to justify the affair.

A good book that would be very helpful is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can buy it on this website and get fast, cheap shipping. Keep posting to us, ustr, and we will help you through this.

Thanks to all of you. I appreciate it much.

The OW's spouse knows...in fact he called me when he found out my H's name. They tried to keep my H's name a secret.

She's probably heading for divorce because her H is REALLY unstable. He's been seeing a therapist and finally someone else knows that he has deep-seated problems. Not much help to my cause.

I've been using Plan A, trying to meet his needs. He still comes over and calls usually daily. He's riddled with guilt-- part of MLC. I have most of Dr. H's books. Another one I've found is After the Affair...can't recall the author, as well as many books about MLC. I'm a reader and find it's a good way for me to calm myself and get involved. I'm also divorce busting through Michele Weiner Davis' book, The Divorce Rememdy,

He's an idealist, so this affair is right up his alley. He feels she's the one for him...but we all know.

I keep hoping and praying. I know MLC just has to be ridden out...so I wait. I'll keep you posted as things move forward/backward.

Susan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ustr:
<strong>

She's probably heading for divorce because her H is REALLY unstable. He's been seeing a therapist and finally someone else knows that he has deep-seated problems. Not much help to my cause.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Susan, did the OWH tell you all this himself? Where did you get this information?

Have you exposed the affair to your family, his family and your friends? That is an essential opportunity that can't afford to be missed.

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 07:52 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

No Melody, I didn't hear this from the OWH...my H told me.

It appears that her H had some sort of accident and has been in severe depression for some time. he's been going to a counselor and that's how I assume he's been deemed unstable. She's afraid for her life and that of her children.

My H's family knows about the OW, although he hasn't been forthcoming with his DAD, however, I've been speaking to his D's significant other. I'm in good standing with his family...all the guilt's his.

My H told me that he spoke to her 3-4 times a week, actually, I found out he talks to her at least 10 times a day (from phone records). I wasw trying to find out where we're spending all the money for cell phone calls...now I know.

I lost if yesterday and asked him why he feels it necessary to constantly lie to me. It seems he feels making a decision will hurt me...warped thinking as we all know. This all hurts me.

I'm focusing on Plan A and will continue to work with God to help keep me strong.

Thanks for your thoughts...all are appreciated. Hope your sitch is going better.
Susan

Bumping this up...

Thanks
Susan

Everyone...what do you do when he's in MLC, "loves" the other woman, still calls and comes by the house and is willing to make love?

I have a similiar situation, but H is only 40 going through his MLC. Its hard to Plan A and not keep the door open, including the bedroom door, if you ask me. I deal with this issue by telling myself that I am "using" my H for sex.
Of course this isn't really the case, as good sex is part of my Plan A.

My H still at home is good and bad. Good because he hasn't left yet and gives me the opportunity to Plan A, bad because he is seeing OW whenever she can sneak away from her H, which means constant anxiety that he will take off in the middle of the evening, with some flimsy excuse that the kids see right through, and showing up an hour after he tells us he will be home. H is out of town for 3 weeks on business, so at least I am not subjected to that torture for a while.

Anyway, hang in there and keep up the Plan A.

<small>[ September 21, 2004, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: Everhopeful ]</small>

Everhopeful...

I know how you feel. My kids S17 and D11 aren't stupid and are thinking a lot, but not saying. My MIL has approached my H about the damage he's doing specifically to my S (reminisent of what his F did..so the cycle continues even with my best efforts).

I'm focusing on my and "being nice" when my H calls or comes around. He has to make his own mistakes (as if he doesn't have a great head start) and I have to make the best of my sitch and keep my kids close and on target.

Best to you and yours. Keep your chin up.

Susan

Susan, my H had about a 9 month A with his office manager. It was a PA for about 6 or 7 months. H still has amnesia over this detail. Without a doubt he was going through a mid-life crisis, brought on by previous health problems, a very difficult year of sickness and deaths in the family, and me being very preoccupied with a sick father. Finally the death of his dad 3/03 and the predatory OW began the A.

I luckily found MB right after H began the truth telling. He had never lied to me before and became an expert lier. He told me he had feelings for OW, but never told her. I found something he wrote that indicated he was thinking of leaving me. People on MB told me he was probably having an EA and PA, because he wouldn't be thinking of leaving if he wasn't. Unfortunately this is probably the case in your situation. It took about a month to find out about the EA, then the PA. Six weeks to find out the gory details through my snooping.

He did fire the OW right away, but they worked together for a month. He had phone contact for another month. He was so wrapped up in the in-love feelings he totally rewrote our M, and we were in a good place before the A. Oh, OW is about 20 yrs. younger than him. I Plan "A"ed like crazy, but I also did some things that did help us which maybe aren't MB. I'm not sure. Because he didn't leave me I didn't tell our boys or family. Very few people know about this. I made it very clear if he chose to leave us for her he will need to tell our boys, and I will not keep the secret. Our boys I'm sure were a big factor in his staying. I also talked to him a lot about the stage one in-love phase. Specifically how of course OW seems so perfect and accepting because in stage one everything is perfect, especially when he and she were in the A bubble world. I told him I was pretty sure that at some point he would have to face reality because stage one never lasts. Maybe it would take 2 yrs., but he would get there. He listened to all of this and I guess had enough moments of unfogginess that he realized I was trustworthy, but could he really trust her? He also in the beginning indicated that we could still be friends. I very clearly told him if he leaves me for her we were not going to be friends.

Anyway, there was much more than that. Again, the MB experts here might not recommend this. For us it did help to defog him enough to stick to NC. My H also had a lot of remorse. I remember saying to him if their "LOVE" encouraged him to be a lier and betray the people who he loved and who loved him, I wasn't envious at all. He could have that love.

Hope some of this helps. CV

CV...thank you for your note. I've read just about every book about affairs, MLC, Dr. Harley's books, the Conway books, male menopause. I've been sharing little bits and pieces of each along the way. I've also been doing Plan A as well as techniques from DivorceBusting (Michele Weiner Davis' website and book by that name).

He has LOTS of guilt and remorse about leaving me and the kids on 6/21. He talks to her often and still calls me, etc.

He says he "loves" her, I know it's just a fantasy, yet it hurts nonetheless as you well know. We're talking tonight under the guise of my T session. My MIL told me that he's under the assumption that I don't want him back unless he's 100% sure. That's not what I said, I said, I want you to come back because "you want to love me again." I did tell him I don't want him back b/c of the kids...just to live unhappily together.

Of course with MLC they only hear and don't remember half of what was said or what they say...so I'm not surprised the communication is screwy.

I've tried to "educate" him and will continue to do so. There are a lot of people who know we're separated -- not many who know about the A (his family (he told them), mine, and our next door neighbors. I know his reentrance will be tough...and so it goes with bad decisions. I want him back and have said, "ILY enough to let you go if that's what you think you need -- but think about what you'd be giving up. It's all up to you, it's your decision. I'll be here when/if you want to come back."

Can't be clearer than that...but still.....today he said, "I want to go to T to find out about me, what might be wrong." At least he's looking inward, maybe to stage 4 of MLC (depression). I thought this was a good sign.

I know he loves me, he tells me so, "I'll always love you" and he missed me when I was in AZ for 2 weeks and was really glad to see me when I returned. So I'm hopeful.

If anything else comes to mind, please feel free to write. I need to play this well, time, space, patience, listening. Say a prayer.

Susan

ANYONE...Does coming back/wanting to work on the marriage mean the WS is recommiting? Or just willing to work?

Susan

Hello everyone. Just an update...

My H moved out of his Dad's house and into a friend's house. Things are just the same. I have to pull myself together and get plan A'ing again. I have to get him to think I'm moving on w/ or w/o him. It's tough to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He's still involved witn OW, her divorce is not yet final. Don't know what's happening on that front.

H said he misplaced his wedding ring...don't know if that's by choice, he said he'd find it but doesn't seem to be in any hurry. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Yesterday, said he needed help and is planning to schedule a therapy session. We'll see. I've heard that before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Any other thoughts???

Susan


M 46
H 44
Married 19 years
Together 20 years
H left 15 weeks, didn't take everything
Kids 17 & 11
Update: He's reading MLC books

Susan...I am posting a link to mid life crisis forum... this site may be helpful to help you understand what your WS is going through...

http://midlifecrisisforum.com/eve/ubb.x?a=frm&s=3106003104&f=9846084204

Check out the stages of mid life crisis...

New Outlook, thanks for the advice.

Question: I've been plan A'ing for some time. He is still seeing OW and tho in MLC, seems unable to go in any direction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

In Jim Conway's book, Men In Midlife Crisis, my H is in the Replay stage. One of the most emotional, and the "one more" syndrome...one more relationship, job, etc.

Should I commence with Plan B? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Susan

New Outlook, thanks for the advice.

Question: I've been plan A'ing for some time. He is still seeing OW and tho in MLC, seems unable to go in any direction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

In Jim Conway's book, Men In Midlife Crisis, my H is in the Replay stage. One of the most emotional, and the "one more" syndrome...one more relationship, job, etc.

Should I commence with Plan B? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Susan

New Outlook, thanks for the advice.

Question: I've been plan A'ing for some time. He is still seeing OW and tho in MLC, seems unable to go in any direction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

In Jim Conway's book, Men In Midlife Crisis, my H is in the Replay stage. One of the most emotional, and the "one more" syndrome...one more relationship, job, etc.

Should I commence with Plan B? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Susan