Today is Marriage Fidelity Day. Ironically one of the first things I read this morning in my google news alert emails was some decidedly anti-safe marriage advice from a syndicated columnist. Here is what I wrote about my experience with her column and our subsequent exchange.
Should you, ahhhhhhhh......, feel the need to send a personal comment to the columnist her email address is AdviceAmy@aol.com. I think in honor of MFD doing so would mesh quite will with Just J's letter writing campaign. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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Syndicated Advice Columnist Gives Really Bad Advice
© Penny R. Tupy 2004
In a recent column
http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/9668197.htm Amy Alkan, self proclaimed “Advice Goddess” discouraged a married woman from being honest with her husband about a passionate kiss with a coworker. A coworker whom the woman described as a “hottie” and for whom she’d been feeling some attraction.
Amy’s advice was to say nothing and go on as if nothing had happened. “Share only lottery winnings and news of any behavior your husband needs to know about to protect himself: No, not ‘I was bored, but too lazy to jazz up our sex life, so I chewed face and ran"; just stuff like, "I led the guy on, dumped him hard, and now he's on his way to Home Depot to buy an ax.’ “
What Amy is missing in this equation is that an attraction to a person outside the marriage – and certainly one that involves a passionate kiss – IS something the husband needs to know in order to protect the marriage. Infidelity affects sixty to eighty percent of marriages in the US with the resulting destruction and fallout impacting marriage, family, and society.
Here is the email I sent to Amy in response to her article:
Amy -
Although I agree with your point of view that the woman who kissed her "hottie" coworker was attempting to opt out of taking responsibility for her own part of the drama, I disagree with the advice to withhold the information from her husband.
I am a professional marriage coach, specializing in infidelity. I work day in and day out with couples whose lives and families are shattered by outside relationships. One of the most destructive habits in marriage is that of secrecy, privacy, or bluntly - dishonesty, particularly regarding attractions and interactions with other people.
The woman in your column did the right thing by getting herself out of the situation and ending contact with the hottie coworker. Better, would have been to tell her hubby up front as soon as she became attracted to the guy so that she and hubby could have proactively taken steps to protect their marriage.
Infidelity affects at least 60 and as many as 80 percent of marriages in the US. It's the number one presenting cause of couples seeking professional help and the underlying cause in many other cases. And yet, the chance of an affair relationship turning into a fulfilling long term relationship is less than 1 percent. In the end, everyone in the triangle (and their families) gets hurt.
Your reader is lucky in realizing the danger before it was too late. Those who follow the advice of not telling their spouse leave a gaping hole of risk to their marriage. I suspect you meant well and wanted to protect her hubby from hearing something very painful. Most would do the same. The problem is that without transparent honesty in marriage the danger of even more destructive situations and the resulting pain is much greater.The Advice Goddess’ response?
Sometimes this works to protect the marriage; sometimes this works to provide for lasting resentment and rage that breaks up the marriage. It's easy to say "always be honest" -- a less simplistic approach is often wiser.
Perhaps it's marriage itself that doesn't make sense -- promising to be with somebody forever. Relationships don't last that long. As historian Lawrence Stone wrote: Perhaps "divorce is a functional substitute for death."
I don't think it's tragic when relationships end. I think it makes a lot of sense. Thanks for writing, but I think you're wrong. Best, -AmyHuh. So I visited Amy’s site to see what her credentials are for giving out marital advice. Seems that although she claims her columns and advice are based on “science, psychology, evolutionary psychology, and ethics,” no training, credentials, or study of those topics are listed. Certainly nothing along the lines of the Dalai Lama’s statement about ethics and the need to avoid harming others, no apparent understanding of the biochemistry of love and attraction, and obviously no study of marriage and infidelity. And the cost of divorce both personally and to society as a whole? Well you can read for yourself, she thinks it makes a lot of sense when relationships end. Tell that to the kids whose childhood just came to a screeching halt.
In fact, according to Amy’s site, her credentials for giving advice on the most important aspects of people’s lives is having stood on a street corner in Soho giving out free advice.
My advice to Amy? Either get educated on the topics you comment on or stick to fashion advice.
