Ok my wife had an A, we are seperated, shes living at her sisters, what can we do to rebuild trust?

I think there are a lot of really great principles that account for a trusting and healthy marriage right here on this site. Principles like the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA), which basically says you do not do ANYTHING without the consent and ENTHUSIASTIC agreement of your spouse (kinda hard to have an A or talk to the OM if she was required to get your enthusiastic agreement and consent). Or the principle of RADICAL HONESTY, which is, you are radically honest about everything...full disclosure...no secrets, no obmissions...that way, when needs are not being met (one of the reasons a spouse will find themselves in extramarital relationships, because of unmet needs that THEY DID NOT ARTICULATE), it is disclosed, and marriages remain strong (also, it would be real hard to have an A if full disclosure from the onset was involved).

For now, I would suggest this.
- That your wife sent the OM a No contact (NC) letter, basically saying, "I made a mistake, I am in love with my husband, and recommitting myself to my husband. Do not call, write, or make an attempt to see me again. Period." Then, she needs to stick to it. No contact. Period. If he calls, she hangs up (change your phone numbers, let you have access to her cell phone, or her cell phone records via the web at all times), she does not see him (if they work together, she needs to quit ASAP...some people have even MOVED to get away from their affair partners), she does not write him (you have full access to all email accounts, etc). She is accountable to you for all her time, etc.
- You both enter some sort of counseling together (the Harley's are great)
- You both probably want to entertain individual counseling (a LOT of healing needs to happen)
- You should also probably learn about each other's emotional needs (there is a EN questionaire right here on the site...this is important, because, you cannot go back to the marriage you had...that marriage was broken, or your wife would not have had the opportunity to have her emotional needs met by someone else).

Trust is earned...it is not a right. She should be willing to do all of this if she is committed to rebuilding your marriage.

P.S. Let me add, I did not get to experience ANY part of recovery... so, that is only my humble opinion. Wait to hear from the people who are living it, or check out the recovery boards...

Joey,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what can we do to rebuild trust? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very individualized. It depends on the two of you and how you are able to deal with major issues. But here are some things:

1. TIME, TIME, TIME!

2. No Contact with other person.

3. You both live your life as an open book. Let each other know of each other's whereabouts, no hidden e-mails, phone calls, purses, wallets etc...

4. Talk about the issues that caused the affair. Very few affairs start in a perfect marriage. Find out what was missing and figure out how to fix it.

5. Spent time together as a couple.

6. Show affection and love, even when it hurts.

7. Let them see your pain but also let them know you love them.

8. And did I mention TIME?

It has been almost 2 years for us and while most of me trusts him, I have another part (the paranoid part) that worries about how I will be able to deal with a repeat offense. It makes it hard to relax and enjoy the relationship completely, even though it has grown into the relationship I have always wanted. Time has been my friend, the more time that has passed the easier it has become. Still it has been the most painful experience of my life.

Good luck!

Cathy

<small>[ September 15, 2004, 07:44 PM: Message edited by: boobyprize ]</small>

Thanks Cathy,

Its funny that after I posted this, a book I ordered in the mail, off another website that someone had posted here came in.

I am a Christian even though at times I dont walk and talk like one. I have used the MB site for support and really appreciated it. But this book I got, what else can I say it is simply amazing and describes what happened in my marriage straight down the line, but this book is all based off God, his word, and his views.

I appreciate what the Harleys have done here but I can say that I found a "higher" way to handle this now.

Joey,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Its funny that after I posted this, a book I ordered in the mail, off another website that someone had posted here came in.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amazing how that works. Sounds like someone (or the ONE) is watching out for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This is always an excellent sign!

p.s. What is the book?

Cathy

<small>[ September 15, 2004, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: boobyprize ]</small>

How God Will Restore Your Marriage

Definitely some radical views in the face of others but its all bible based-its simply amazing.

http://www.restorem.org/cgi-bin/index.cgi?page=index

is the website