I have opened my life up like a can. I've given all passwords, cell online viewing, schedules, etc. in an attempt to walk in accountability. My W however, is spending a lot of time emailing friends who are NOT supportative of rebuilding the M.

I don't want to LB so I keep my mouth shut but inside I want to scream "Give me your passwords too." She of course would say no because that would be a boundry violation and an attempt by me to control. But, is it fair that she gets "secret" messages that are destructive to the M and I live in a glass house?

How would any of you BW's react if the WS asked for similar accountability? Is two-way accountability addressed in MB doctrine?

I've NOT said anything to BW, I'm just venting my fustration.

Any thoughts?????????

2scared

2scared, I think that would be a hard question for many of us to answer.

It seems like most of us here do not have WSs who show any interest in rebuilding the M, and those that do are fence sitting. So for what seems to be the majority of us, we can't really give an honest, informed answer.

So, let me "envision" my WS wanting to rebuild..maybe even wanting to rebuild more than I do (one can dream <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

If he asked, I would give, but I wouldn't like it and I would feel angry for him asking. It may be right or wrong, but I would feel entitled to a support system without having to disclose everything I discussed with that system. I was not the one who betrayed and kept secrets and lied. It may very well be that the support system is not standing for the marriage...BUT...

As a BS, I have a lot of feelings of hurt, anger and disappointment, confusion, you name it. At first I unleashed all of these emotions on my husband--after all, he was my best friend and he was SUPPOSED to be my support system. But after awhile, a BS (at least in my case), feels bad for making their WS feel guilty. They (BS)get tired of the apologies and the look of shame on the WS's face. As angry as we are, we don't want to convey to our WS that there is no hope for rebuilding. If we are always outpouring our emotions to our WS, indeed, they very well might feel that they will never be forgiven. A BS's support system, whether they stand for the marriage or not, allows the BS to vent these emotions to someone other than their spouse. It helps to let everyone catch a breath. It's hard being angry and hurt all the time, and it's even harder to let the one you love know that they are the cause.

Yes, I will admit that people unsupportive of a marriage obviously can be harmful to it. Shrug..but for myself...I've always been succeptible to be influenced by other people's opinions, HOWEVER..I also know that in the case of my M, I'm the one who has to live with my decisions, so while it SEEMS like others exert a lot of influence, they really don't.

I'm not sure this helped from a BS point of view...just consider that your wife may need this system as an outlet so that she does not direct it at you. And trust her that she has a head on her shoulders and is thinking for herself. maybe? I dunno...I don't know your wife so...

Oh, did she have an affair? The reason you handed over your passwords is because you had an affair! She didn't!

On the other hand, her badmouthing you on email is very disrespectful and should be addressed once you get into recovery. She is out of line too.

Maddy & Mel,

First, thanks for the input. Please remember, I haven't said anything. YOU all are MY support network, so I am just bouncing some thought off you so I don't get bounced off something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, I was the WH. I lied and was deceptive. BUT, my question is more in line of "if I have to be transparent (which I don't mind!) is it wrong of me to ask for her to be transparent too?" I'm sure that would come off as offensive...but why? Shouldn't we BOTH not hide anything? Shouldn't we BOTH be open and transparent? I know we can't talk about "fairness" since I was the jerk who was not fair to begin with, but is it fair to now work on restoration (if that's what happens) when I lay my cards down and she gets to hide hers?

I don't know... just emotional today... I had a MC appointment last night and it didn't go well. She's so hurt, angry and doesn't "want" to rebuild. It broke my heart to hear some of the things she said. BUT...she is going to attend another next week. I'm still married. I guess that's good.

2scared

2scared, I am still not following ya here. The reason you have to be transparent is because you were untrustworthy. She wasn't untrustworthy. She doesn't have to prove herself to you; you must prove yourself to her. You have absolutely no call to snoop on her, she has every reason to snoop on you.

Don't even go saying this stuff to your W, ok?

what you want and desire of both partners confiding solely in the other is the long term goal....

this early in the game when your wife isn't even committed to recovery is an exercise in futility...

you address this issue now only in YOUR words and YOUR actions....

your goal of cleaving to one another is noble and on track for long term recovery ..
your expectation of it now is understandable but not appropriate right now...

focus back on youself
how you can do the right thing.

how can you verbalize you new understanding in to the depth of forsaking others both on intimate level and on a trash my spouse to friend levels...

how can you speak the words...

"for a while I didn't understand the depth of my betrayal not only in act but in my sharing of even the mundane with someone else but you...
I am now just realizing the ways that hurt you...and realizing how much I desire to once again share my day with you...etc..."

show her your new understanding of your vows in actions....


ARK

2scared I agree with melodylane, but as a BS I would I guess.

WS have a huge mountain to climb in rebuilding trust and my WW hasn't even begun to think about doing that.

It will be a great sign that you are considered to be trustworthy again if your W does eventually choose to share personal stuff with you.If she's like me she will feel actually violated by you and your OP so trust is a huge issue.

Its a good gesture for you to open up, but you still have a ton o' work to do together.

Eventually, radical honesty HAS to be implemented.

Be patient, I bet your time will come.

Somewhat related, I've previously tried to describe what I see often here as polar opposites, the two polar extremes: the typical BS whose WS won't break off an affair vs. a WS who immediately comes clean but whose BS won't embrace him/her.

Why is this? Why is there seldom the middle ground? Supply and demand?

WAT

Thanks everyone,

I wasn't going to actually say anything to my W...I was just voicing fustration. I agree with all of you. I will continue to work on myself and honor and cherish my W above all...even when she is pushing me away with everything she has.

It is fustrating to hear how badly you all want your WS to wake up and come home...how desperatly you desire restoration and how you cry yourself to sleep knowing they are still rejecting you. All the while I am desteratly trying to reconnect and come home but I am being rejected and pushed away.

Life just isn't fair. So, we will all cry and pray and trust that God will take care of us no matter what the outcome.

ARGGGGGGGGGGgggg.

(deep sigh) I feel better.

And to all you BS's out there who have been cruely violated by the selfish actions of an A..... I am so sorry. So very sorry.

2scared

I am A BS
I have no trouble with my H having access to any of my personal matters. In fact until his affair he never did either. It was only then that his privacy became an issue.

I believe that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I believe the need for radical honesty extends to both partners. In fact I know that I cannot keep anything from my H even if I know he would be angry knowing, because of how it makes me feel if I try not to. Don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, it is just the way I am.

Maybe if it is early days for your W she is just needing some support and understanding. Maybe she is trying to work through her options in her own mind and listening to all opinions etc helps her to gain clarity. The fact that my own mother wanted me to end my marriage did not make me want to do that.

Your wife might be going through a stage of anger in her recovery and needis an outlet for this. Maybe she is trying to avoid taking it out on you. Who knows. I am not saying this is the right way to go about it. Eventually the two of you need to learn to turn towards each other for support rather than away. Maybe she just isn't there yet. If you keep trying to be understanding and honest and open with her, hopefully she will reach a stage where she can trust you enough to turn to you.

Good luck
C&S