I just wanted a place to document my feelings and what is going on with me from time to time. A kind of digital journal. However any comments are welcome of course.
Today is a day of mixed feelings for me. It is actually our 4yr wedding anniversary. It should be a very happy day but it doesn't seem to be. I gave my W a card with a lottery ticket in saying I hope we hit the jackpot again like I did when I married her. She put the card in her bag and took it to work. No reply whatsoever and it has been 6 hours.
I drove W to work and when I dropped her off I said happy anniversary she just said yeah u2. No emotion at all. I really didn't expect anything from her but it still just hurts.
This year has been a rough one. I am a strong person but I have been taken to the edge, pushed off, climbed back up only to be pushed off again. I just down know how many more times I can climb back up again.
I know that no matter what happens with my M I will survive and be a better person but I want my W to see wake up out of her fantasy (my nightmare) and see this better person. Today I just don't know if this will ever happen. I am having great feelings of doubt about our M today.
For now I will leave it at that it helps me just to write these things down. Thanks for listening(reading)!!

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 05:14 AM: Message edited by: Coasterride ]</small>

Well, I'm back again. Not feeling much better today. I believe I am just feeling so bad this week because I just found a book my W is reading about divorce and also a letter she wrote to OM. I guess in one way I should be a bit happy because she talks about their breakup which supposedly happened last week but reading about the deep feelings she has for OM just really hurt. I guess I had really been in denial that she had such feelings for OM.

This comes at a really bad time because I had been really hopeful. I have had off this whole week and also next week. I had planned to use this time to get started writing on my thesis. This has not happened. This makes me feel even worse especially since I know my W really wants/needs for me to finish this thesis.

I am trying to keep the faith and hope alive that my W will realize how much our M is worth and start the process of rebuilding. I know that I have to start focusing on myself and my thesis again. I am right now making a mental note to do this. I WILL START WORKING ON MY THESIS AND STOP DWELLING ON ALL THE NEGATIVES OF MY LIFE. IT IS TIME TO BE POSITIVE AGAIN.

Well, that said and off my chest I can plan the rest of my day and move forward.-After a cup of coffee, of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Put down that coffee and get busy on your thesis. You know that is something your wife wants/needs.

Also it will be good for your self esteem. That will make it easier for you to get through all of this.

Today seems to be a much better day. I am feeling much more hopeful. The past couple days I have read many articles related to my thesis and seem to have more of a plan and grasp of it. I also met someone who can possibly be of help in locating possible interviewees as a source of empirical evidence. That is great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
With regards to my M I am also feeling more hopeful. I came to the realization that my W will talk to me when she is ready. Also, I realized that even though I may say I don't blame my W for her A, my actions may say otherwise.
I recognize that I had a part in her A. Of course, I did not make her have it but I did play a part in the problems of our marriage which caused a relationship vulnerability that helped lead her to an A. Because I recognize this I can start to stop placing blame and realize that we all (WS,BS,OP) have a part in the A.
I am now trying to look at the positives of my situation so it can hopefully make my actions more positive. For example, my W is still living in our home. This gives me the opportunity to show her everyday how our M can be worth saving. Plus, she does wear her wedding ring everyday now. She had been "forgetting" to wear it for quite some time. By looking at these positives I can try to start feeling more positve and my actions will hopefully show this.
I realize that I truly love my W and want to be with her but I may possibly lose her so I have to change my actions to show her the way back to me.
I just hope this coaster ride stay on this upward course!