I have realized something recently. I have been married to 2 WH's, my first H and I divorced due to his numerous A's. I really was depressed and had no self esteem after we seperated. This time has been totally different for me. My current H's A has forced me to look in the mirror harder than I ever have before and I no longer feel the way that I use to. I have more confidence than I've had since I was a teenager. I know that if I must end our relationship that I can go on, that I will make it on my own and that I will love again someday when the time is right for it. As for now, I'm not interested in anyone, just me. I know that I am a very loving person, I know that I have values that not alot of people have these days, and have also figured out that although I'm no beauty queen, I'm not bad and that I deserve to be treated as good as I treat my partner. Just thought I would share that with all of you, maybe it will give someone hope.

Good for you. Someone else pointed out that there is no reasonable excuse for an A. Revenge, emotional unavailability, abusive spouse, whatever. An A can't be justified. It your H's problem that has affected you, not your problem.

I have found that I've learned and grown much more through adversity than when times are easy and good.

I am not very familiar with your story but I hope you still have a chance for reconciliation and recovery in your current marriage. Since you've been through this a couple of times now...you know that getting rid of one doesn't guarantee that you won't choose another man that is capable of doing the same. Better to try to stay with the devil you know and try to build a better new marriage with him, if he is willing than, take your chances with finding a better new one. Especially since he is the only dad one of your kids has known.

If you have to move on, it does sound like you will be fine. I am so glad you aren't taking it personally. I wasted a bunch of time feeling pretty worthless. You are lots further than others nearly twice your age. School of hard knocks and a survivor...good on you.

Thanks for the reply Trix. You can read my story here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031966

It hasn't been long since the start of my ordeal but I seem to take things in stride, just like my father does. There has been many times that I wish I hadn't been like him, but that's another thing I've learned and expressed to him is how I am glad that I inherited so much from my dad.

Ah yes, I had read that post you linked. It's good that he wants to recommit. I totally understand your not being able to trust him.

Trust must be earned. It is a time for complete accountability on his part. He needs to understand what he was lacking within himself to allow himself to have the A. It makes it doubly hurtful that it was with your best friend etc.

He needs to understand the meaning of commitment. He needs to understand that he can not have any friendships with people of the opposite sex.

Do you have the books SAA (Surviving an Affair) and HNHN? It helped to have my H read those. We went to some MC. We went to the MB weekend. If you can't do that then maybe you could order the course which includes those 2 books as well as Love Busters, and others to work through together.

My H was very good about giving me lots of reassurances once the recovery was real. We had several false recoveries before it stuck. We even went through an initial honeymoon phase that seemed to last quite a while. Then after a couple of years he started another A with 2nd OW that lasted 8 months.

The other time he really didn't get what caused the A's to start...all the dynamics and he thought he could allow himself separate female friends...NOT. He also better understands the meaning of commitment and has a better appreciation of my level of commitment to our marriage.

We all need to recognize the importance of maintaining our bounderies to protect our marriages.

He still says that there is NC, but is starting to withdraw a little, and I wonder if it's because he is showing the symptoms of that stage, I just don't know but I'm hoping that he can eventually give me an answer as to why he did it the first time. So far what he says is that she talked to him about her problems when I was not home and then the first time they were alone together, she offered it and he just did it. I asked him if he did not think about me before he did and he said no. I will probably never understand the whole situation.

Jennie,,,,

I am glad you see yourself in such a positive light. You are one of the few who can do this after an affair. I felt like I was the scum of the earth after my wifes affair.

I am not an expert but it sounds like your husband was secretly attracted to this woman all along, and finally took advantage of the opportunity.

He probably did not think of you,, Wayward spouses very seldom do. They get caught up in the passion,, in the moment.
My wife told me while she was with the OM she thought of nothing but the OM,, not her children, not her Husband, not the damage she was causing.

His actions have nothing to do with you! Affairs happen in good marriages everyday, all it takes is situation and opportunity.

The key to answering your question is understanding affairs, Please read "NOT JUST FRIENDS" It really helped me and my wife understand her affair!
Your hubby is telling you he has no excuse. He is right,,, there is no excuse, but there is a reason and you will both have to come to understand why this happened.