Well as most here know. I'm off the Plan A wagon. I guess I'm not even committed to saving a dang thing in this marriage. The STBX has given me to many proverbial eye gouges, and swift kicks to the balls for that.

Problem I have now is this - while falling off the Plan A wagon I reverted to some heavy LBing. Mostly with DJ's, some very severe DJ's. IMHO she deserved all of them. But that doesn't mean I should have done it.

LBing. [ I hate saying LBing, because there is no love in my heart for this foul wretched creature who is living with my children ] LBing feels so dang good.

It is like scratching poison ivy. If you've ever had poison Ivy you know that scratching it does more than temporarily relieve the itchyness. It feels good, I'm talking pleasure, I'm talking knee weakening pleasure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , I'm talking I don't want to get rid of the poison Ivy because it feels so good just to scratch it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As you may have guessed I have had some pretty severe cases of Poison Ivy in my life.

Anyway, ---- I don't want to LB, even though it feels good. I have to stop the DJ's because that is not the kind of person I want to be. I don't want to be that way with my STBX or anyone else.

I'm in Plan Me. Be a better Tom Joad.

But dang it feels so good. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I just don't know why?

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Tom -

I did the same thing to my WH. I'm usually very mellow, and never curse, but a couple of times I went berzerko and let it fly. It felt great at the time, but later I regretted it.

Your wife is the mother of your children and should be respected as such. She is behaving the way she is because she is probably angry and afraid.

I know you are a good man, and will get through this phase. I finally got to the point where I can talk very calmly to my husband, even being sympathetic.

Finally I was able just to let it all go. Now I'm happy and optimistic again. It sure feels good.

Maybe you should have gone to Plan B before it was reduced to this. Can you move to the condo any sooner than the 1st...or do you have a renter moving out then? I hope, at some point, she feels the pain of her loss of you. It seems a bit less likely since the state of Florida seems to be rewarding her for her bad behavior.

I understand how difficult it was to hold my tongue when LBing felt so good. I did my share of them and still on occasion I fail. My H doesn't deserve any of them any more since he has been doing a stellar job being the H of my dreams since about 1/03.

I wonder if it is any different for a man to control their tongue as it has been for this woman.

Is there anything you can legally do to keep the OM out of your house or away from your children?

Were you ever able to do a background check on the OM?

Tom,

I know what you are feeling to a certain extent but being childless my M dynamics are a lot different. I also know anger is normal to a degree, but then it becomes pervasive and leaks out into all aspects of your life. Anger management is a definite must for you and I wish I could direct you to a magical book or source that I can quote. I think a Google search should give you plenty to read.

In one way, I feel that your anger is so much healthier than the "doormat" status that a lot of BS's go through, but only up to a point. It shows the WS that you have boundaries( and self respect) and while some use an alarm system for their boundary warning others use hand grenades!!!

Vent here instead of at home and especially around your children. Try to work off that angry energy somehow, walking, running etc...

Good Luck. I feel for you. We are comrades in misery

Cymanca, Thanks.

Do you know any books on "Revulsion Management" or "Disgust Management".

I'm not sure if I'm angry, I just have feelings of revulsion and disgust whenever I think of her or see her. Nothing but contempt in my heart and gut. I have no sympathy for her cheating heart or pathetic excuses for her adultury and neglect of the entire family.

And yes the children are a complex dynamic. How can I let this trash raise my kids and believe they can have any firm moral or ethical values? How can I let them think that being a cheating, lying, thieving wife is OK.

Am I supposed to say that those behaivors are not acceptable but it is ok if it is thier mother doing it? {GAWD, I hate calling her couch sitting a$$ - "mother"} Isn't that so hypocritical? It teaches them exactly what my wife practices. She teaches them "It is not ok except the times that she does it, because her reasons outweigh everything else, her selfish self-serving desires are more important than anything else."

And in time my kids will learn this disgusting, revolting, contemptable behaivor from their . BLAH ... mother. I have to spit that word out when I say it.

Yes I'm worried about what lessons the STBX trash heap is going to teach my kids.

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Tom:

I don't know any books like that, but ... wait a minute, yes I do:

http://www.iloveulove.com/forgiveness/hoh1.htm#THE_HEART_OF_HEALING_BOOK_

The author gave Spacecase permission 2 make the whole book available for .pdf download, among other things.

Please give it a look over.

I haven't finished reading it yet, because I've got 2 get ready for a conference trip, but what I've read so far is very inspiring.

-ol' 2long

Tom who knows how any of us would react given your provocation, friend ?

All I would say is that it is apathy not hatred which is the opposite of love. You still have passionate feelings for your STBXW, albeit not positive ones.

I'd focus on the kids, as you are.

All blessings mate. {{{{TJ}}}}

Tom:

Remember that resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person 2 die.

Also:

Lewis B. Smedes - Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve

"We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immortality. And we let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us while we make love, and broods over us while we die. Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we hate die--for it is a parasite sucking OUR blood, not theirs. There is only one remedy for it. [forgiveness]"

-ol' 2long

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Tom..about your analogy to scratching when you have poison ivy.

I had some really horrible cases of poison ivy when I was younger. My eyes would puff up..I even got it DOWN THERE once. They thought I was allergic to it and I had to have a series of very very painful shots. First series of shots made me pass out. Anyway, just letting you know that I know alllll abotu poison ivy.

You know what happens when you scratch your poison ivy rash? The blisters break and then ooze puss. People around you can be contaminated with the rash. And further, scratching and oozing will make the rash spread on your own body. Then think of the scabs and scars that will occur.

Think about this, okay? I'm just taking your analogy a little further and I think it's pretty apt. I KNOW how good it feels to scratch and sometimes you HAVE to or you will go insane--quite literally.

You know what works really good on itches? This was on the advice of my surgeon when I absolutely could NOT itch my healing incisions. Take a blow-dryer and put it on a cool, LOW setting...it helps the itch. Maybe there is a better way to manage *your* itch?

I read and have Forgive and Forget...good one. It was difficult to swallow at first but made lots of sense.

Resentment means to re-feel all over again---the anger, hurt...we do it to ourselves...it mainly hurts ourselves when we live in the anger. It can be rather freeing to forgive in your heart. Even if the object of our forgiveness doesn't ask. Otherwise the poison will just eat at yourself...you will be a bitter Tom instead of a better Tom.

You need to rise above it again and try to be indifferent to her barbs. She seems pathetically sick in her words and actions. I can't imagine how painful it is to be in your position right now.

You still have to be the lighthouse for your kids...the calm, sane, stable one that they can count on and trust. A better example of humanity that the example their mother gives them while she is in her current state. I just wish her fantasy bubble would burst sooner rather than later.

Your poor kid's foundation has big cracks in it.
I hope they will be able to experience some peace in their lives again soon...I hope that for you too, of course.

TJ,
You need some peace friend. I'm sorry that you are going thru all of this. I'm not sure what to say that can truly benefit you. You W is behaving so outwardly vicious and cruel, how can we pull something out of this as a building tool for TJ to weather this madness? If you are a religious man it's time for prayer and guidance thru his word. If you are not religious maybe its a time for self-meditation. It's high time that TJ start taking the best care of TJ as possible! You W is in no emotional, spiritual condition to comfort you or her children. I am concerned about your anger. You must do something about your anger or it will consume you. Having a reason to be angry still does not give you a license to be angry, because being angry only hurts YOU. I'm serious, I understand you anger. Heck, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I was even angry with your W when I read how she was treating you, but that's not going to help you or your children. Releasing that anger in positive ways may be the answer??? I will think on this and try to come up with more suggestions. Pleas keep coming back and venting. I wish I had more insightful words to share, you do not deserve such malicious treatment actually NO one does.

FM

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Thanks guys and girls,....

I don't feel angry, is that how I sound? I'm just so disgusted. Maybe I'm coming out of the BS fog that once thought my WW had something I once loved about her. But of those things... my STBX told me she was acting. My love was for an actress not a real person. She wanted something from me so she acted the way she thought I wanted. A fake, a facade, a nebulous hollow creature, a mere mixture of shadow and smoke, with no substance.

My STBX is dead to me in every way.

Maddy... LOL. I've had it down there too. Guess we just can't keep our hands where they're supposed to be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You recieved my analogy exactly as I meant it. It feels so good but it is not good, it is fleeting and only prolongs the suffering. But when you start scratching you don't want to stop, because it feels good.

I'm a little torn by moving out. MY STBX won't work so I'll get no help from her in supporting the kids. Hell she won't even supporting her lazy sit around the house all day butt. Oh yeah, I forgot she told me I owed her that alimony because I've always supported her and I have to keep her lifestyle in the manner she's accustomed.

Tom:

Okay, you're not angry. But think about this: Is this "disgust" simply a masquerade for resentment?

And really, is it smart 2 feel disgust for your kids' mother? It will be hard, but maybe as you get yourself away from her drama more, you'll be able 2 have more pity, at least (if not compassion), for her instead of disgust.

Hope this helps,
-ol' 2long