Hello Everyone,
I am a new member and wanted to introduce myself.
Five weeks ago, I found out my husband of 6 years (dating 10 years to the day I found out about the A) was having an affair. I overheard a phone conversation between the two of them. Needless to say, I was completely shocked. I had NO idea at all.
Well, since that horrible day, we've been trying very hard to mend our marriage. He broke it off immediately and, as far as I know, has not had contact with her since. We've just finished reading Dr. Harley's Infidelity book and are now working on Love Busters. We read aloud together every night and talk about all the issues that come up.
My husband says he is sorry, will never do it again, and wants to do whatever it takes to make up for this. I want the same thing, but can't seem to put it behind me as quickly as he seems to be doing. I just can't get the demon thoughts and images out of my head. Lately, I am obsessed with the OW. I can't stop thinking about her. I want to know everything there is to know about her. I don't even know what she looks like. I've asked my husband lots of questions about her and the affair. I THINK he's answering honestly, but of course, I really don't know. Should I be doing this? Am I making it worse for myself? Do I really need to know this stuff to heal? Sometimes his answers make me feel better, but often they make me feel much worse.
We went to a few counseling sessions, but decided this particular doctor wasn't for us. We're looking for someone new, but in the meantime, I was hoping this could be a source of comfort and information for me. Just knowing that I'm not alone will really help me get through this disaster.
Thanks for reading!!
Stellar

You are not alone. We are here for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would suggest to try and get some counseling with the Harley's through this site. Just follow the links. Read the books and follow the concepts closely. Post here when you need to vent. Sorry this is happening to you.

As for the details...Do you really want to know that stuff? More often than not it will just provide you with images that you will not be able to get out of your head. I would advise against it but you know what is best for you.

Make sure you take care of yourself. Things will get better with time.

C.

Stellar,
Welcome to MB, I'm sorry you found yourself here under these conditions, but it's a great source of support.
Jump over to the recovery board, many people over there are fighting the same demons you are.
It's all part of a normal process. If you get familiar with the process, you'll have a better understanding of your emotions.
I know right now you feel like you WANT to overcome it, but don't feel in your heart you ever really WILL, and it will haunt you daily for the rest of your days.
This gets better, over on the recovery board, we pull each other through the slumps.
It's great you and your H are already digging into the resources, and putting in so much effort.
Keep reading, you'll find many that aren't so lucky.

Keep posting !! Don't disappear on us now.

Stellar,

Do you want to know the details or not? Good question, with no definite answer.

Our MC said some people are helped by knowing the details and some people are not helped.

That helps alot doesn't it?

Do the details you now know make you obsess more or do they ease your mind. If you obsess more, then don't ask for any more at present.

Some think the details should not come out so soon after Dday, but maybe 6 months or so afterward...if you still need to know.

It has been said that having the WS spill his/her guts about the details will de-romantisize (?) the A and bring it out as the sordid, ugly, and
heartbreaking thing that it is. Some WS keep the memories tucked away in the fond,exciting drawer of their minds.

You will go through 2 or 3 months of obsessing, where you can't stop thinking about the OW and them together. THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY THING TO DO! The obsessing will fade.

There are ways to lessen the obsessing, like when you start obsessing snapping a rubber band on your wrist (or around his neck! haha), counting backwards, telling yourself you will only obsess for 15 minutes between 9:00 and 10:00 in the morning, and not allowing yourself to do it other times, etc.

It is a good thing that he has NC and is working with you get through it. Do try to find another MC (pro marriage). A good MC is very helpful for communication.

Sounds like you will live through this. First 3 or 4 months are the worst.

k

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Thanks so much, guys.

I decided to take a good, hard look at what I've been getting out of the answers to the questions I've asked WS so far. They certainly don't make me feel better. It makes me happy that WS (or should I say FWS) is answering me patiently and honestly, but the gorey details just end up hanging around in my mind and creating more questions. As you said, Krusht, they just make me obsess more. I'm going to try very hard not to ask those kinds questions. I think I know the answer to some of them anyway. And if they're not helping either of us, what's the point?

Thanks again, guys! You've made me glad I signed up here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Stellar

Hi Stellar, I think that it is good that you thinking about the selectivity of your questions, however, the point of the questions is NOT to make you feel good [which is impossible] but to help you recover.

You can't recover unless you know at least the basic details of the affair. The facts are pertinent information about YOUR LIFE AND YOUR MARRIAGE so there is much that you need to know. It is important that there are no secrets between your H and the OW so his willingness to tell you the truth counts for ALOT. The key is to not abuse that willingness and I think you have realized that.

BUT, don't go to the other extreme and stunt your recovery by withholding legitimate questions. You need to know what you need to know! Just remember, recovery is the key, not feeling good.

And yes, you should be obssessed with the affair. An affair is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. This is not going to blow over in a week. It takes from 12 - 18 months to recover in the best environments. You probably haven't even begun to experience to go through the many stages of grief.

So, hang in there and stay around so we can help you through this. Welcome to MB.

Stellar -

While this should not be swept under the rug, sometimes the details make things worse. I think your situation sounds very promising. One of the best predictors of success is how the WS behaves after D-day.

Many lie, and refuse to answer questions. Your husband is not acting like that. I would concentrate more effort in finding out why this happened, so you can affair-proof your marriage in the future.

Hi Stellar, I think that it is good that you are thinking about the quality of your questions, however, the point of the questions is NOT to make you feel good [which is impossible] but to help you recover.

You can't recover unless you know at least the basic details of the affair. The facts are pertinent information about YOUR LIFE AND YOUR MARRIAGE so there is much that you need to know.

It is important that there are no secrets between your H and the OW so his willingness to tell you the truth counts for ALOT. The key is to not abuse that willingness and I think you have realized that.

BUT, don't go to the other extreme and stunt your recovery by withholding legitimate questions. You need to know what you need to know! Just remember, recovery is the key, not feeling good.

And yes, you should be obssessed with the affair. An affair is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. This is not going to blow over in a week. It takes from 12 - 18 months to recover in the best environments. You probably haven't even begun to experience to go through the many stages of grief.

So, hang in there and stay around so we can help you through this. Welcome to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I appreciate your feedback. I should tell you that I do know the circumstances. The kinds of things I've been obsessing on are more like HOW they did it, etc. I don't want to know all of those things. I have some of those details, but I don't think getting into specifics is going to help either of us recover. I understand that the A needs to be demystified and deromanticized and I'm not sure what is the best way to go about that. However, I think it's equally important for FWS and I to have as much fun together as we can and deposit as many love units as we can. I don't think we can accomplish that if when he's kissing me I'm wondering, "Is this how he kissed her?" Or when he tells me I'm beautiful, I think, "Did he say that to her?" What difference does it really make in the end? Yes, he thought he was in love with her, but he was able to end it immediately. I just have to remind myself that I am not in competition with her. And yes, it is my job is to be happy. Whether I do that in my marriage or not is yet to be determined. I agree with believer that we need to be concentrating on figuring out why this happened and creating a plan so that it doesn't happen again. I think we've come a long way in that respect. While I don't take any blame for my husband's affair, I have to take some responsibility for participating in creating an environment that made it easier for him. On the other hand, I absolutely WILL NOT attempt to recover my marriage if it happens again and my husband knows that. I may be going about this all wrong and I may change my plans tomorrow, but I think that spending time together and enjoying each other's company is going to go a long way towards recovering the relationship we had years ago. Who knows? Maybe it will be even better than ever.

Yes spending time together doing fun things will be very helpful. The Harleys suggest 15 hours a week.

You can assume that since he thought he was "in love" he did all of the usual things with her. Those tapes in your mind are hard to erase.

But your marriage CAN be better than before. You just need to start rebuilding from the ground up. You might want to go to the home page and check out the articles on restoring the marriage, overcoming resentment and reconciliation.

Stellar. I could just kiss you! Your post tells me that you are VERY MUCH on the right track. You clearly understand the dynamics of the affair and have a rational view of your role. You know what has to be done in order to achieve recovery.

And I fully agree about the ramifications of the nature of the questions you asking. The answers can do nothing but hurt. But, you WILL see pictures in your head for quite some time. It is only a normal part of recovery. I think you understand that giving voice to those thoughts is not helpful.

You are doing great and are very much on the right track, IMO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MelodyLane,
Thanks so much! You're right about the pictures. They come around at the oddest moments. I'm trying VERY hard to push them away and live in the present. It's easier right now because my FWS is doing all the right things. Sometimes I worry that I might be making it too easy on him, but that's probably just my Taker talking. I appreciate hearing from you that I'm making sound decisions. Sometimes the worst part of all this is how often I second-guess every decision I make. I guess that's to be expected after a catastrophe. Anyway, thanks again! You made my day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I also think you are doing great and on the road to recovery.

What has your H been willing to do to be accountable for his time away from you etc? Is the OW married or single? Did he send a NC letter? How did he let her know it was over? What will prevent him or her from trying to rekindle after all the dust settles?

It does sound like he is doing lots of the actions he needs to do for your marital recovery. I was just wanting to make sure you're covering all bases.

Maybe you have gone over all this stuff, since you seem to have a good grasp on the MB concepts already.

Good questions, Trix. Let me give you the run down.

They worked together and had a PA since Nov 03, consisting mostly of sex at work. They work in a nightclub, so it was easy to sneak off to dressing rooms, etc. Over the summer, it became more of an EA with my husband feeling that he was in love with her. He went to her house a few times during the day when I was at work, they continued to be together at work and after work she would give him a ride home and do it in the car.

The OW is married also. After I found out, WS called her on the phone immediately and told her it was over. He saw her a few days after that at work and told me about it immediately. She told him that she told her husband because she was afraid I would if she didn't. I don't know if that's true or not, but both WS and I agree OW probably didn't tell her husband everything.

Since then, WS brings home a copy of the schedule every week. Since they are not always scheduled at the same time, it's been pretty easy for him to avoid working with her. He recently told the guy who makes the schedule that he can't work with her, so hopefully they will not be scheduled on the same days again. I guess she's taken a couple of weeks off recently, which has also helped.

WS really hasn't worked much since D-Day (August 10, 04) which has been really good for us. I took some time off immediately and we spent the first week together 24 hours a day. Since then, he calls me at work 3 or 4 times a day. He also doesn't delete the phone numbers on the caller ID so I can check whether or not she's called. He gave me her cell phone number so I would know if she did.

I really have no idea what is to prevent them from rekindling other than his word that he won't. If it turns out that he can't avoid her at work, he's agreed to quit his job there.

Any suggestions on anything else we can do?

It sounds like he is doing what he needs to do. It is good that he is willing to find another job if NC can't be maintained. I know it is difficult to be sure of anything. Dr. Harley says we should never trust our spouses 100%.

Did you POJA whether or not to inform her H in case she lied?

We didn't really talk about whether to inform OW's husband. I have their home phone and called it one day. They have privacy manager on it, so I left it at that. I have also found what I think is his email address. About a week ago I started an email to him, but chickened out at the last minute. I'm just not sure I want to open that can of worms. Although if any further contact occurs, I will not hesitate.

I understand your hesitation in exposing to OW's H since the A is over. Is your H afraid of her H's reaction...that he may confront him? I would think that could be defrayed by assuring OW's H that your H is remorseful and ended the A and is wanting to remain married to you.

I just know that I would have wanted someone to tell me...it isn't right that she should get off scott free without any consequences so that she can just move on and possibly continue with A behavior.

I think her H would want to know who he is married too and make his own choices. I really doubt she informed her H. So many people don't want to get involved...want to look the other way. Maybe there are some spouses that would prefer not knowing...there are all sorts of people out there..but who knows. If she did then having you say something won't be a surprise and no one should be bothered by it. If not then maybe her H may insist she find another job.

From what my WS says, it sounds like she wears the pants in her house. She's been married for 10 years. She told WS that her marriage has been bad for a long time, and that her husband was more like a brother to her. WS "awakened something in her that she thought was dead." <gag!> She actually had the nerve to have WS in her H bed! Something I could never even imagine.
I get the very strong impression that this isn't the first time she's done this to her husband. It was her action that started the PA with WS. I'm not making excuses for him, he could have stopped any time, but she made the first move and let's just say, it was a pretty bold move. Not one I would be making on someone I barely know (if you get my drift)
I don't think WS is worried about OW H's reaction. From what he's telling me, he's not thinking about either one of them. He says he wants to concentrate on me and our marriage. I guess that's one of the reasons I'm not sure I should stir things up. Although you have some very valid points. Mostly that she shouldn't get away scott-free. On the other hand, if her husband throws her out, what's to stop her from becoming a bigger nuisance to me and my marriage??? sigh .....

I suppose if it came to that then an RO would be in order. I would think it'd be unlikely she'd want anything to do with you otherwise she probably would have already started.

Maybe WAT or Mel will advise. Maybe it isn't a necessity to expose. I informed the OW's H but that was around D-Day and the A was ongoing. I was hoping her H would try and fix their M only he believed that she was set on a D...it was probably an exit A for her. The D took a yr. and a half and the A lasted another couple of months after her D was final. All these A's are variations on similar themes with varying outcomes.

At this point it sounds like your recovery is real, and I hope it stays that way.