i posted this in another forum, but it was recommended I try here too!!! (thanks believer!)

Woudl love to hear comments from FWH on what may be going on with my husband and if there may be hope and how can I help him best at this point?

I just found this board today and have already recived some great info. from the stories I have read. I would love to get a man's eye view of the situation I am in, here it goes:

Found out about EA my husband was having back in March 2004, but he had been "in love" with her for almost a year at that point, but supposedly never had sex with her, and I do think that is true based on emails I have read from the OW. THere were lots of emails, text messages and phone calls b/w the 2. My initial reaction was to kick him out, but I didnt. He promised to stop talking ot her and work on teh realtionship. Needless to say that did not happen and this has been promised at least 2 more times since then. Although they have cut communications greatly, there is still contact and our realtionship is completely destroyed right now. I have given him the option to move out, but he has not. He has secured an apt. and even has a key to it, but still has not moved out. We do have a 2 yo dd and he is a great dad so I know that is a big part of his not wanting to leave.

And a quick background to better understand what we have been through...we have been together 12 years but married in 2001, we bought a house in 2001, had our dd in 2002 (unexpectedly-we never wanted children) and his dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer early 2003-he lived with us for about 6 months....then moved to his own place where my husband took care of him 24/7for 3 months b4 he passed in 9/03...so I was home alone with our new baby all this time....lots to go through in a short amount of time...during this whole time he had the OW to talk to and I had no one.....

Last night he admitted he needs help, that he has hurt so many people and is so miserable and he cannot take it anymore...he doesnt really seem to want the marriage to end, but he seems to have a hard time breaking ties with this other woman....whom he has also lied to from the beginning...

If a man does not leave his wife, is that a sign that he doesnt want the marriage to end? I do think he may be clinically depressed....is it better for him to be here with someone who loves him or for him to be on his own to deal with his demons...but if he moves out I cannot ever be with him again...this pain has been to severe and I will not allow it again...but I do not want ot make a decision I or we will regret...we are not inlove with each other...but I do believe we both love each other and can get it back if he gets help!

And he works with this woman .....and I also told him he would absolutely have to quit his job (whihc he hates anyway!) b/c he obviously cannot control his impulses when it comes to her...

ANy advice on this??? I am going to my first therapy appt today for me to help sort things out, but I thought I would get advice from those who have been there!

Thank you so much for any help!!!!

Jill

jill8026

check out this thread

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=031720

these guys try and give the insight you are asking about....

Don't give up Jill. They are around here somewhere. LINY usually checks in about this time.

Jill....

I'm so sorry for what your going through...

I'm a FWH. You are not alone here. First, welcome to the board. There are tons of support here for both of you. Insight from those of us (both sides) who have been there.

You WH is so emotionally attached that he cant see straight. We call that the fog. Here is the problem he is having... He wants to do the right thing because he really does love you and want you marriage to survive. He REALLY does or he would be out. He's struggling.

Jill.... Don't encourage him to leave. You cant work on the M with him out. Unless he is hopeless and your ready for plan B don't let him leave.

Ok... so why is it so hard to give her up? He really is emotionally attached. It is like pulling fish hooks out of your heart to let go and establish no contact. VERY painful because it is an addiction. Now...we will all agree that is what needs to happen. But we will also all agree it is hard to do. He needs your support and encouragement. He is addicted and needs your help. BUT... he needs to let go or it will destroy him...and you and your marriage.

There are several threads out there if you want to read...
Breaking free

and...
FWH's

We are here for you!

2scared

Jill,

There are some great articles here at this site so dig in this weekend and see what you can learn. We will support and comfort you while you try to love your man back into reality. His brain seems to be stolen and the man living with you is just a shell of the man he was...

The good news is he can be returned from the alien planet and become even better than he was. Now, it WILL take work but the success stories are all over here. You CAN survive this nightmare. Take a deep breath and know that we all love and admire your strength and love. Your love shines through even when he is treating you like crap. Be proud. Your hanging in there. Just don't give up. I know you want to and will want to on many occasions, but hang in there. I will be worth it!

Can you encourage you WH to attend counseling? Or send him here if you like...unless you want it for your sanctuary. that's ok too.

Just know that there are others here who understand and can stand with you in this struggle. Again, I admire your willingness to hang in there even when he admits hes having trouble breaking free from the addiction. If he was on drugs would you stand with him while he sought help? Well this addiction is just as powerful. It is a rollercoaster for both of you. Your emotions will go up and drop off the deep end. Don't be embarrassed. We all do it. Come here and we'll pat you on the back and encourage you.

Good luck!

2scared

thank you for the great responses! 2scared--you hit the nail on the head with your response...it has been a bit since i wrote and here is what has transpired since: I nag him every night for about 2 hours...i know this is wrong...but he just seems so angry and withdrawn all the time..says he still wants to make it work and that he needs to go to counseling, but he does nothing to help us get better and has still made no appt. for counseling...(he is a very unhappy man anyway-excluding the relationship, but that is another story!)...that is why he wants counseling for himself..so he says...

He has had an apartment for a few weeks but hasnt moved in...but he left last night and said I will see you satuday to pick up our daighter...I was OK with him leaving....didnt even try to stop him....

Here is where I am stuck...I get what you are saying about me being there for him and loving him and all that...but why does the hurt spouse need to make the first step?!?!?! TO me that shows that I care more than he does...I guess I feel like if the family were that important to him he would take the steps to improve it...I need to put my heart on the line again after he just ripped it out?!?!?! How does that seem fair?

I do love this man..he can be great when he wants to be....but I do not know if I can give as much as seems to be needed to get nothing back...I have been alone for a long time and that is hard to deal with....

We talked for a couple of minutes this morning and agreed him staying out this week is a good thing...

so...how do I stop naggin him? Is there a trick to get him to open up? I feel like he is miserable here b/c of the EA to the other woman..whom he claims he hasnt spoken to in a couple of weeks....how am I supposed to get that connection back when he won't even open up to me?

And also...he says he is sorry all the time for this whole EA...but he has said it to me then continued to talk or email her....this has happened several times...so is he really sorry? Can you be really sorry but conitnue to do the very thing that hurts your spouse? I am guessing it is normal for the WS to be angry at the FS because of their own guilt...but does that ever go away??!?!

I am so confused...divorce just seems so easy, and less painful for me right now....but in my heart I am not convinced it is right..but how do I really know what he wants if he deosnt tell me or show me?

What do I do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Thank you so much..I have read so many posts here and they have really been helpful in letting me know that I am far from alone!