I'm in a position I never thought I'd be. I have a beautiful wife and 3 children whom I love but my wife says she doesn't love me anymore. The internet is a terrible thing for marriages in my opinion. I caught her sending pictures and emailing her ex of over 11 years ago. We been married that long. Phone records show her talking to him for hours at night, I work night. When I confronted her she said they were just friends and she would not cut it out. Then another relationship with a co-worker again just friends occurred. I looked at her emails and she would tell him she was so unhappy with me and only in the marriage for the kids and to do the right thing. Well, it gets worse with a 3rd guy who called her cell phone the next day she stood out all night supposely at a girlfriends house because she was too tired to get home. As for who that guy was, she says she doesn't know him or how he got her number. I pray for her daily but I don't want to be made a fool of. I've always been faithful to her but she says I didn't treat her with love in the early years of my marriage which I'm trying to do now. I feel so sorry for my kids. My parents never divorced so I don't know what they'll experience. I think my wife is planning an exit strategy from our marriage. when I find out these things about her I always get the blame for being too controling and for snooping. But what would any husband do or feel when confronted with the possibility his wife he loves is giving her heart and body to another man or men? Can anybody help? Maybe some insight I do not have. I can't respond now but this is definately not the last time I'll post or come here for help.

Good Fight,
I agree that the internet is a terrible thing. In fact, I will go a step farther by saying that technology in general is a terrible thing – cell phones, prepaid calling cards, etc. My H’s former girlfriend also contacted him via the internet after almost 20 years. They began their A that way and it escalated into them meeting 3-4 times without my knowledge and her bankrolling a cell phone for him.

Your W's reaction to you wanting to acquire information (aka snooping) was typical for my H at the time of the A. If an A is occurring, it is not likely the WS will admit to it until you have solid proof.

Read what you can on Dr. Harley’s site. It’s a great place to begin acquiring information that you may want to use as a basis for your decisions and actions.

I remember being where you are. I suspected for months that there was an A before I found hard evidence and confronted my H. It’s been almost one year since her original contact. I found out in Jan. He resumed contact in April. I found out in May. The kids and I nearly left him. He realized what he had to loose. We’ve been working to recover ever since. I’m still cautious, suspicious, and hurt, but with his help I will get better.

There are a lot of great people who’ve been around a long time. Hopefully they’ll help as well. If you have any specific questions, ask away.

You are in my thoughts - BT

Good Fight,
I agree that the internet is a terrible thing. In fact, I will go a step farther by saying that technology in general is a terrible thing – cell phones, prepaid calling cards, etc. My H’s former girlfriend also contacted him via the internet after almost 20 years. They began their A that way and it escalated into them meeting 3-4 times without my knowledge and her bankrolling a cell phone for him.

Your W's reaction to you wanting to acquire information (aka snooping) was typical for my H at the time of the A. If an A is occurring, it is not likely the WS will admit to it until you have solid proof.

Read what you can on Dr. Harley’s site. It’s a great place to begin acquiring information that you may want to use as a basis for your decisions and actions.

I remember being where you are. I suspected for months that there was an A before I found hard evidence and confronted my H. It’s been almost one year since her original contact. I found out in Jan. He resumed contact in April. I found out in May. The kids and I nearly left him. He realized what he had to loose. We’ve been working to recover ever since. I’m still cautious, suspicious, and hurt, but with his help I will get better.

There are a lot of great people who’ve been around a long time. Hopefully they’ll help as well. If you have any specific questions, ask away.

You are in my thoughts - BT

Good Fight.....Sorry to hear about your situation. The positive side is you found Marriage Builders. This site and the wonderful folks here saved my life, literally! I learned to read, post, ask and plan.

I'm still relatively new compared to the "experienced ones" but the very first thing I recommend is getting the book Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. Harley and they provided some much needed perspective when I started this journey about 10 weeks ago.

There are plans (Plan A/Plan B), Wayward Spouse expectations (most of which appear to come from the same text book) and there is strength (from you, from here, from all who have gone this path before) and there is support (probably more than most realize).

Hang tough cause' the ride is tricky at times.......LS

Barelytogether, I see you did go what I hate to admit I'm probably going through right now. Is it really better to find out the truth? My wife says bluntly "If you think I'm doing that then do something about it" How convenient when she knows I have no where to go, and I'll miss my kids terribly. Is it worth staying in a marriage when you can't trust your spouse? Sometimes I think I'll just let her do what she wants and just look the other way for the sake of the kids. Is that a good option? If I could turn back time I would've been more loving and affectianet to her back then. I'm so surprised at her weakness of charachter. By the way, she has filed for divorce but she says she's not sure she'll go through with it. I suspect she doesn't want to lose a baby sitter in the day time. We have seen a marriage counselor and will again tonight. She says divorce will only hurt the kids if I don't do my duty and live nearby. I sleep in the same bed with her but she refuses sex, very frustrating. I don't really know what stage I'm in but I used to have a terrible pain in my heart that seems to be going away. Even my anger is subsiding. I've been going though this for the last 2 years.

Lost sailor, my wife refuses to admit that somethings going on. Like staying out all night, emailing guys, going to websites like www.womenwhocheat.com and recieving calls from men plus filing for divorce is innocent and nothings going on. She's even got a date to get breast augmentation. This is not the same woman that used to study the bible with me. I am so willing to forgive but she doesn't confess to anything. She always has an excuse and I always get the blame for being a snoop and I'm tired of it. She then gets angry and everything is now worse than before. My life sucks. I feel like such a loser.

Good Fight,

I only went through the questioning and “knowing” but not really “knowing” what was going on scenario for less than 4 months. It was absolute torture and I can’t imagine dealing with that for 2 years! I guess at this point, you’re the only one that can decide what will work for you.

Let me tell you what I’ve read over and over from a variety of people, at a variety of stages of this A game we have been sucked into:
There is no excuse for an A nor are you to blame for that decision.

It took me a long time to understand and realize this is a true statement. Ever heard the saying, “[censored] and excuses – everyone has one”? I think it applies to As – unfortunately we end up married to the [censored] and hear the excuses. I blamed myself for my H’s A and let him use this as a crutch, until the last few weeks. It finally hit me – I did nothing to deserve this pain that the A caused.

In fact, one night when I was very upset I told him, “If our M fails it is NOT going to be my fault. I have worked very hard to make it work. I have let you blame me for many of the difficulties we had before the A, but you were the coward who couldn’t address the issues so they could be corrected. I am NOT to blame for your decisions. I am trying to move beyond the past and have made changes in myself to be a better and happier person.” Actually, I think things have been going much better since.

I know that at this point you feel trapped. When I packed up my sons and planned to leave – I had a vague plan. I’m fortunate enough to have family members that I believe would help me – including H’s family. I am an educated woman and would do whatever it takes to support my kids. I told my H when I was planning to leave that he was going to be responsible for everything – Divorce, selling the house, etc.

Do you have friends or family that could help out? If you work opposite shifts, is it possible to search for another job that would work better with you kids? Could she move out instead of you?

You’ve been going through this a LONG time. I can sense how unhappy you are – maybe it’s time for an incredibly drastic move to kick-start YOUR life. The catch is: YOU have to make the decision, develop a plan, and then follow through with it. Those of us experiencing similar situations can try to help, but honestly only you control what you want and what you do.

We all understand and sympathize. Remember – you are in our thoughts - BT