This is my first post on the site so I will tell my story as brief as I can, it is long but pls bare with me. I am 28 and my wife 26, married 5 yrs and together for 9. My wife has always been the perfect girl as far as standards go. For the last few years she has not been completely happy with our marriage. She never knew why or what she was lacking in the marriage. I have done everything I knew to do and it wasn't enough. Over the month of July she spent 6 weeks in Hawaii for study abroad. During this time she used the opportunity to be independent and explore different things. She evenutally had 2 affairs in HI. She said she was finally able to let go and just do whatever felt right. When she got home 4 or so weeks ago I learned of the affairs and of course was devistated. We were able to work through the issues and I have been able to forgive her. But I do still lack trust in her. The last four weeks between us have been exceptional, emotionally, intimacy, and physically. She says she has never been this happy to be with me and is more in love with me than ever....Although, she now has a new need that I just don't think I can accept or allow. My wife is very intellectual and loves meeting new people and having philsophical conversions with. Last Sunday she meet someone at the bookstore, (who in my opinion picked her up, but she denies it), anyway they had a great conversation about nothing in particular. They also exchanged phone numbers. My wife told me about this event that evening. Last night, Wednesday, she told me that this guy called her on Tuesday and asked to go out to dinner. She accepted and meet him for dinner. Bottom line...She said that he knows she is married and that he is married too....not that that really matters...She is now telling me that she wants the freedom to meet new people and experience new things and basically if it leads to sex then thats what it is....She wants me to go out and meet new people and let whatever happens happen. She wants and open relationship that I don't think....I KNOW I can't give her that kind of freedom. She wants to continue to see and meet with this guy for conversion but I know in my heart it could or will turn into something else. Can anyone pls give me you imput?

You need to have some boundaries there and not allow that. unless you are some kind of swinger or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Skyhawk...Welcome to MB. I will post later with a more in depth reply (if you haven't already had some replies), but the first thing that comes to mind? She should have thought about "sowing her seeds" before she decided to spend and devote the rest of her life with you. She is married; not "going out" with you. She needs a bigtime reality check on where her morals lie. Like I said, I will respond later in depth.

Best wishes.

we are not swingers, but she is hinting to the fact that she would possibly like to explore that lifestyle, which creates another conflict.

No Way,,,,

I see an image of me meeting this OM,, handing my wife over to him and saying "bring her back when your done",,, KILL THAT!

Your wife has some issues. It is clear you are not going to support this.
Your wife is asking for your permission to have an affair.

All I can say is stand your ground,,, maybe your wife was not ready for Marriage. Dont let her dictate a lifestyle you do not want.

Hello,

I think unless she is committed to go for marriage counseling you should think about seeing a lawyer and understanding your options. Look at the facts:
1) She goes to Hawaii for a few weeks and has two different sexual affairs putting your health at risk for STD's.
2) She meets another guy at a bookstore and goes to dinner with him and wants to continue to see him.
3) She wants to have an open sexual relationships with other men.
I think you would have to be out of your mind to stay in a relationship like this. She wants to act single and have sex and relationships with anyone she pleases. She has no boundaries.
She is humiliating, disrespecting you and making a total mockery of your marriage. It is clear that she has no respect for you but you need to have respect for yourself. If you think you are devastated now; just wait for the future. Please see a lawyer and protect yourself. She will destroy all that is left of your self-esteem. Your story is very sad. Please do not allow her to destroy you. I wish you luck. You need to find someone in the future who can love and respect you and believe in the concept of a committment. Your wife is unable to do any of these things.

This is almost the lifestyle my wife and I had before our problems. I can guarantee this will only bring chaos and hurt into your lives. I beg you to turn back now..........

I agree with Bryanp. If there are no children involved in this marriage and she is not committed to changing her destructive behaviour, I think that you should see a lawyer immediately to protect yourself financially and file a legal separation. If you continue to let her have these "relationships" right in front of your face, you are setting yourself up for additional hurt, pain and devastation in the future and it may take a long time to recover and resume a meaningful relationship with another person.

I'm so sorry.

Kati

You know I think that my wife may be thinking or wanting that same thing. But she's never admitted to it Thank God. Whats the matter with women these days? I think an exorsism is in order my friend. I feel for you. When a wife does these things is she really a wife?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by GoodFight:
Whats the matter with women these days?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may want to rethink this remark....

This rotten behavior and stinkin'-thinkin' is certainly not gender-specific...

Pep (a woman)

Has your wife ever mentioned that she wants a divorce. How do you think she would react if you asked her for a legal separation?

It seems like she's quite content with things. You are in Plan A trying your best to fulfill her needs and she's gobbling up all of YOUR attention. In addition, she gets to play single girl. What a life!

Hmmm, wonder how she'd react if you crash her little party???

Kati

Your right Pepper,

And I agree with Kati's advice

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Kati:
[QB] Has your wife ever mentioned that she wants a divorce?
She said that she was planning to come back from HI and divorce me, until she had the affairs and realized how much she needed me and that the grass wasn't greener on the other side...(so to speak)
thx to all replyed and your feelings are much the same that I am feeling. I love her dearly and truly hope we can overcome this. I know I need to ask her to stop seeing this new guy before it escalates even more. But she still needs the philosiphical conversions and meet new people. We need to come to a compromise somehow. Find a different way to meet that need without the affairs. right?

Dear Skyhawk, I think the first thing you should decide is if you can do plan A. Remember that plan A is no guarantee. Many a MB'er does a great plan A and it still ends in Dv.

If you plan to Plan A, there are some very important things you should consider.

1. Emotional Protection - support from well chosen friends, family and professional.

2. Set your boundaries - plan A is loving someone, being kind to them, accepting them, allowing them to see that you love them. Its about learning how to really treat a person (not just your spouse, you can apply it in all relationships with various modifications). There is reams of info on this website about it and plenty of people here to guide you. HOWEVER, you must have some boundaries and tell her that you cannot accept this behaviour.

3. Financial protection

I humbly suggest that you and your W seek out the services of a pro-marriage professional counselor to address these issues that ,if left unresolved, will most certainly destroy your marriage. Contact Steve Harley from the Marriage Builders Counseling Service. or Peny Tupy from
Save Your Marriage Central.

Often times a spouse that expresses a desire for an open marriage is a spouse that is already involved in an affair. Considering that your WW had 2 affairs in HI during a period of 6 weeks, it is a very likely that this is the case.

skyhawk...I can not add any more words of wisdm than what has already been said. I did, however, promise that I would repond later! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you need support, you have us!

Best wishes.

Can someone show me where I can read more about plan A? I have looked on the site but have not found it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Skyhawk:
<strong> Can someone show me where I can read more about plan A? I have looked on the site but have not found it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is the link for What Are Plan A And Plan B.

I told my wife last night that I cannot accept her to continue to see this new guy and that we must find another way, and if not then she needs to go do her exploring on her own....She told me she would need to time to think this over and consider what is more important to her (could be weeks before she tells). Somebody once told me that marriage goes through different stages. This is apparently a stage we have come to. I know somehow we can get through it. I am now considering to allow her to meet new people and meet with this new guy for conversations only. And setting up boundaries that must be obeyed. Boundaries being no sex. Also, no dinner dates, can only meet him ie..coffee shop, bookstore. It would still be hurtful to me when she does see him and I know I'll be asking myself what happened when they were together.... I can't reasonably expect my wife to never meet a man and talk to him, right...that's impossible. If I take that away from her, I am sure she'll leave me....and I do not want to lose her, especially if it only means us getting through this stage....am I being completely stupid for entertaining this notion?