Well......I think the reason I still love my H is because we have a son and have been M for 14 years/together 17 and he knows more about me than anyone. We shared so many wonderful years together. I've always loved his sense of humor and his smile. I have to say though that I'm finding less and less to love about him as each day passes.
I think that I have finally decided to give up. I just can't put myself through this anymore. I want to be happy and smile and feel loved. I will never forget my H and the love that we once shared. I gave him all I had and it wasn't enough. I think there is a time when you just have to say there's nothing left you can do. I'm at that point. I would have given anything to keep my family together but now I feel that I will be better off without him. Maybe one day we can be friends and actually have a civil conversation. It truly saddens me that I on't be able to share the rest of my life with the person I thought was my best friend. I don't know how I will start ove or even where to begin. I have to think of my son and myself from this point forward. It's unbearable to think that my H is out with another woman sharing what he should be sharing with me. I never knew he could be this kind of person. I can only hope to grow from my experience and learn from it.
I guess what I am saying is that I am giving up and wanted to thank all of you for trying to help me. I really appreciate it and will never forget it.
You are all such kind people who don't deserve to be treated with such disrrespect. I hope those of you who are fighting for your m will get all that you want.
Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest...I feel a little better.
Good night..

I think GC came about as close as possible to the reason I still love my wife. I’d take it a step further though and say it’s because I vowed to.

If I was to go on a feeling of love, whatever that is, I could not say that I love her. At times I even would have to say I hate her; at least who she is right now, but I still love her.

I’m not sure I have control over my feelings or can explain why I feel a particular way at a particular time any more than I can explain why I like or dislike a particular food. There’s no logical reason, I just do or don’t. So to explain a feeling of love or why I feel it is difficult for me. I can bring up memories that make me feel that, or think about shared times and certain events that make me feel that, but that doesn’t define love for me. Love is easy when you feel loving.

I think most people here define love in a broader deeper sense. Doing the right thing, the loving thing, when you don’t feel love. Janis Spring uses a great example in her book After the Affair . She talks about viewing her son on a ski slope and feeling the pride and love of a mother. At the end of the day her cranky young son had to be lifted from the car and taken to his room. She didn’t want to or feel particularly loving at the time, but she did it out of love. The point is obvious, love is doing the loving thing when you don’t want to. That example struck a chord with me.

first post here, just found this place.

i have asked myself this question a million times. i can't say for sure why but i do certainly know that i still love my wife. much for some of the reasons others have already given i guess. the things we have shared, good and bad, the things we have been able to accomplish knowing where we both came from. the fact that i feel she still loves me. the family we built. at this point, these things far outweigh any of the pain she has, and continues, to put me through. when i said my wedding vows, i made a promise to god, my wife, myself, our son and every person in the church that day. i didn't make it with any stipulations that she had to keep her word too. at this point, i am not ready to break that promise, even if she has. but that is my choice.

time will tell how patient and strong my love can be.

TreeReich - I just want you to know that reading your post sounded exactly like reading my own words in my journal over 6 months ago. I understand, I can truly say I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I don't have much encouragement to offer, except to say I have moved on now, and it does feel better. But then there is always the question - what if I hadn't given up? But then again, I know in my state of mind back then, I was on the edge and I did what I had to to survive.
Hugs. (((())))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What makes you stay? What makes you fight? What would make YOU leave? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When we were young, FWH and I had nothing but ourselves. For 10 years, we fulfilled each other's ENs. I think one of FWH's top ENs is Financial Support, which I gave whenever he needed.

However, after marriage, his career soared, and he didn't need the FS. But I still needed my ENs to be fulfilled. There were a few fights and he headed for As straight away. He kept the As secret, of course. I didn't discover them till six years later. In the beginning, although we had bad fights, I still loved him. I realise, even then, that I was confident that things will get better, that he'll come around. But three or four years after that, I gave up hope. We existed, but we weren't together in spirit and soul.

After DDay, I wanted us to repair the marriage. I wanted us to work towards a better marriage. However, although he said that he would come back (he left soon after DDay, although the As were over), he refused counselling, he refused to read and he kept the fact that he had a couple of As and his wife found out a deep, dark secret. He still maintained that lifestyle-- continuously lying about his whereabouts, his money etc. He refused to tell me where he is living, he 'sugar coated' our story to his mom-- telling her he only had one A when he had multiple. He told his mom it was my fault. He also sought some sympathy from xOW.

Why do I leave? Because I realise this man hasn't changed one bit. He is remorseful for the breakdown of his marriage, but not the As. Each time we fight, he regress to his PA state. I also realise, I am sorry to say this because it's going to sound very discriminating and disrespectful, he is a failure.

He failed every exam in school. He was irresponsible. He played truant, he smoked to be cool, he had no discipline, he doesn't think about the future.

He was a selfish child. He comes from a single parent family and he would suck up to his mom to get anything he wanted. And she would give in. That's also why he didn't finish school. She had to scrimp and save to finance his little ventures because he would do anything but not school. Instead of being responsible, finishing school so he could get a good job and free his mom of some financial worries, he just took everything he needed. His mom was like an endless source of everything he needed. Mrs Santa Clause. All he had to do was ask, and it came. Even till today, he would borrow from her if he was broke. And how much does he give her in return? Not much. What he gives her is pittance.

So I leave because I look at the character above and I say, man, do I really ask for so little? Am I going to stay with a child forever? He takes but gives little. When he is ailing and old, would I look at him and say, so, I have stayed in the marriage for this man who cheated on me unabashedly and now he is nothing but a sick man in a wheelchair and I have to care for him?

What do I get in return for loving him? Nothing.
Nothing but a pack of lies. There's no fancy diamond ring, no shared assets, no holidays together, no goals, nothing.

I mean, this man couldn't even love me the way I want to be loved now. I want lots of affection, some admiration, some conversation, some SF. Nada. Oh, he could do all that with OWs, but not me.

Maybe I've LBed so much I have become unlovable.
Maybe my love for him is not forgiving enough. But how could I be forgiving if he hasn't shown signs of change?

I've been alone for almost a year and a half now. I've changed jobs since and I feel I have to move on. I feel I can't wait for him. He's become too clingy. He doesn't add value to my ENs. He doesn't want a divorce, but he's not doing much to rebuilt what's damaged and lost in the marriage, you know what I mean? He clams up the minute I start to talk about the As. How can I grief for me?

I don't want to end up waiting, waiting and hoping for something that'll never come. I'm sorry, I am not Christlike. But I am not sorry I am human. I feel a little guilt for not being forgiving like other BSs here.

I do know I have many other blessings in life, and if I look at the big picture, I do have a very good life. I have a good relationship with my parents, I have a fantastic younger brother, he takes care of me when I cannot take care of myself. And I have a wonderful and understanding SIL and I get to watch my nephew grow up even when I don't have children of my own. I have friends, a good job, an apartment to live in and a car to get around with.

My fallen marriage is only a speck in the big scheme of things. I don't know what will happen in future. I can only take it one step at a time and with God leading the way, I will become a better person. I know there will be uptimes and downtimes in life, always. The downtimes are for learning and becoming a better person, and the uptimes are for helping those who are in the dumps.

I do wish to have a good marriage again, someday, but now I just want to have a good me.

Sorry this is so long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
<strong> I love my FWW because that is my duty as her H. I cannot abandon her, I've done enough checking out and tending to my own needs over the years. This is her time to be lost, and time for me to help her find her way home. This is my time to better myself as a H and Father. I feel an obligation to my W, her title affords her that, and I try not to lean too much on my own understanding of the how's and why's. For me it has taken time to realize every poor decision my W has made in her A was not to spite me. YES, I was hurt/am hurt by her actions and abandonment of her vows, but she has made mistakes. The part I dread is now that she's in the early stages of recovery, she still hasn't felt the full effects of her actions. I do not wish this on her, and I hope to be far enough down my own personal road of understanding to catch her when the pieces do fall. I am her H and the leader of my household, we have let each other down and I'm not talking 10 years ago when I had an A. What was I doing 6 months before her A? Was I being attentive to her needs? Was I being the H I should have been? I must obviously answer NO to both those questions, and since I answer NO to those questions, that is why I find it in myself to support her during probably the most painful, challenging time of her life. I'm her H and if I walk now, what does that say about my integrity to my M, just because she's made a huge mistake doesn't give me a right to make one myself. I know that all sounded mushy, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but it's how I feel and what I believe.

FM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh my goodness. That is the most beautiful thing I have heard in a long long time. God bless you! I have been crying all morning, I read the bible some and the tears stopped. I got back on, and started reading some more on the board. I came to this post, and the tears are flowing again. But it's good tears. I wish my husband felt the same as you...I pray that he will soon. I love him, I love him so much. You hang in there...God will see you through this. You are special, don't let anyone tell you any differently.

FM I am right there with you what a great answer. And GC also great answer. We all have chosen to still love WW. I still love my WW because I choose to!!! These words are burned into my brain now.

I have always been a firm beliver in the sanctity of M. When WW asked me why I wouldn't just give up I said because I made a vow in front of God,family, and all our friends and we're not dead yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm not psycho just a committed and loving H. Committment means a lot to me and I learn more about it everyday. If I am asked this question again I will definitly use what GC taught me. I love this board and all the great people here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

C.

It seems that Bs's see love very differently than WS's. I wonder if the difference is caused by our experiences or if the capacity for tenacious, sacrificial love is in some of our natures.

Also if you were/are a BS's that has had an A, has it changed how you love and view love? Why weren't you pulled under by the fog tide?

I still love my WW for all the reasons that I fell in love with her. She is a beautiful, wonderful, intelligent woman with a great sense of humor. We had a lot of fun together and after 8 years were still having sex on a daily basis. I know she is not really the person who she is being right now.

I miss the package as well. I miss the chaos of our household with the kids the pets and everything. I sit now in the evening and everything is soooo quiet. It just drives me nuts. I miss the sound of family and our household. I do not know what will fill this big void inside of me. That is the hardest thing to deal with.

I fought because I love her and believe in us. Unfortunately there is no more fighting to do. The D is moving forward and she wont talk to me anymore.

How do we know they aren't their 'true selves' now? My (WxW says that she is now acting like her 'real self'; the last 20 years 'was a lie') Is it because they are in relationships based on fantasy and lies? Are our relationships with them more real because they are more 'grounded', or is it that we took vows?

I feel it is the covenant that we create in marriage that sets it apart from other relationships, especially from the false 'commitments' made by lovers in the midst of affairs.

For me, I no longer know that I love him. I no longer know if I am willing to put in the amount of work recovery would entail. I am no longer operating from victim mode, now I am faced with the tough question of whether I would even take him back, if I could.

Once I was fully committed to putting my love and our broken relationship into Gods hands, I found peace.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I have a whole lot of love to give, and also that I am no longer the same person I once was.

I now feel that this whole nightmare was a gift, no matter who I end up loving again, even if it is him, it will be a much better love.

It's amazing how such a strong attachment can change so radically. The concern I have is how such emotional turmoil can affect the ability to trust and love in the future, whether it's the WS's or not.

I don't love WW now!

However; whenever my 12 y.o. DD comes to me and asks: "Dad, when were we as unhappy as Mom says? I always remember us laughing and having fun!" And our 19 y.o. DD is getting married next Saturday and is faced with the fact that her "role model for marriage for her entire life" as told to her soon to be husband at least 100 times is about to divorce; I have to be open to the possibility for their sake. Either WW will exit the fog soon and allow me to see what I'm faced with, or I will finally give up any chance of recon. I am prepared at the moment for either.

It sometimes comes to that; BS's wondering if they even love the WS's anymore. The emotional exhaustion is incredible. Those who stick with it should be commended. It's the hardest thing most adults will ever do.

..But the rewards, if sucessful, are incredible, I hear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich:
<strong>I think that I have finally decided to give up. I just can't put myself through this anymore...I gave him all I had and it wasn't enough. I think there is a time when you just have to say there's nothing left you can do. I'm at that point...It truly saddens me that I won't be able to share the rest of my life with the person I thought was my best friend...I never knew he could be this kind of person. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, Tree! Your words spoke to me SO much. I think my situation is equally hopeless and I need to let go - totally - and start seriously thinking about my life as a single woman.

Like you, I gave and gave and gave. I remained constant and committed, devoted to a man who cared not for that devotion. It is easier for him to do nothing and allow the affair and the addiction to control him than for him to find the strength to leave OW and work on his marriage.

So I too feel like I have done everything I can do. I was there every time he wanted to "come home" and it was futile. He would stay a period of time and flee again to OW.

I also considered him my best friend. But then again, Tree, what best friend would treat us like this?

Hugs to all.

You're kiddding right? Cause I don't love my WH. I love the man he used to be, and the man that he is, deep inside that he's quashed and smooshed down for a very long time...but this...this...[censored]...this pathetic, selfish shell of a human...I don't love that person. I love however that humanity that is just beginning to peek back thru and I ache for the pain he's caused himself and our family. I yearn to take him in my arms and welcome the man he should be and could be back. I pray someday that he quits judging himself on his past actions and turns his face towards the light of true love and hope.

This hopeless Nio - it is an almost unbearable thing to watch, and the reason I do it? Because you don't turn your back on your life's love because they became terminally ill. You nurture and give. If they choose to leave, on their heads be it....but I would not be me if I let this cancer of his eat him up without ever trying to save his life and his soul.

- Kimmy

faithhopelove04...
I am feeling better these days. I know I will be fine. It is very hard to let go but there is truly no hope for me and my H to work things out. He definitley doesn't want to and at this point I have lost interest. He's done so much damage that I don't see any way to fix things. I've found some comfort in knowing that I did my best and I can hold my head up high and know that I am a good person who deserves better!
Things in out life happen for a reason and maybe this happened to me so that I can find true happiness with someone else who is more deserving!!!!

Should you then, wait until the love is exhausted? The Harleys say that is one of the "benefits" of a plan B: wake 'em up or lose the love. A weird win-win

I say yes...wait...and when you think you cannot wait anymore, make yourself wait just a little bit more...because you might regret it if you don't.