We have been married for 7yrs. together for 9yrs. Found out 2 1/2 weeks ago that he had and affair almost 4yrs ago, and I confessed to having one 3 1/2 years ago. Pretty close together in time frame. His affair included sex. He says just one time thing and it meant nothing to him. I know girl and new she always wanted him. I did not have sex with the guy, stopped just short of it. I also new he always wanted me. This guy is unfortunately my H best friend and has been for almost 20yrs. So situations are different, but very similar. I love my H with all my heart and I know he loves me. We want to work it out and stay together. My husband is I feel afraid to deal with the pain of all of this. He is upset that I made him remember the affair after burrying it for 4 year and is hurt by me and his friend. I feel honesty is always best policy and will only help the healing and make our marriage hopefully better in the long run. I hate the image I get when I think of him and the girl. I want to puck, she is disgusting in my eyes. We have a 2yr old and I am due to have another any day now. At time of affairs we were having so serious problems, and have never really dealt with them like we said we were going too. He wants to wait to deal with my affair and how he feels about it until after this baby comes. Why? I am afraid he will just burry all of this and nothing will get solved once again. He needs to open up and let the pain in, I feel anyway. But I understand on one wants to deal with pain and feel it. What should I do? We are going to counceling and hoping it helps. He does not want to talk about any of this except at counceling. Any suggestions or questions for me please?

Ann,
Welcome to marriagebuilders
I'm just leaving work but wanted to respond before I bailed for the night. My wife and I have a similar story, the timelines are a little different but the same stuff happened.

With you giving birth any day isn't the bbest time to add stress but it could help with the healing. The affairs need to be dealt with, in the open, between the two of you.

It is good you are going to counseling. There is a certain amount of safety there and in the beginning of discovery, it might be better to discuss the A's in an controlled environment rather than on the way home from grocerey shopping. By having the appt with the counselor you get time to collect your thoughts and formulate what you want to deal with rather than being hit with the "was he/she better than me" blah, blah, blah.

Patience, patience, patience

God Bless

Doug

Thank you for responding. Our sessions are good with the counselor. I know the healing process takes time. It is just hard to deal with the pain. The counselor also thinks the baby may help us become closer. I hope she is right, but it is hard to be happy about the baby at a time like this. We wanted another and this baby was definitely made out of love. I just don't want to use it as an excuse. I think neither of us want to know details of what occurred. I don't know if I could handle telling him. I think mine was more involved, minus the sex. I love my H very much and our family is the most important. Thank you for your time and thoughts. Ann

Ann,

Did you guys confess at the same time?

There should be pain where this is involved and ignoring or not recognizing it, is and will, continue to cause pain for the both of you.

You both are aware of each others A's but that does know good if the reasons why they happened and to some extent what happened in them aren't explored.

It sounds like your's was more of an emotional Affair (EA) and his was more physical (PA). Can you answer some questions?

--how long did your affair last?
--how lond did his last?

Ann said:
I feel honesty is always best policy and will only help the healing and make our marriage hopefully better in the long run.

Very true. Helps much more than lying and such

Ann said:

I hate the image I get when I think of him and the girl. I want to puck, she is disgusting in my eyes.

This is exactly what I went through. I had visions of the sex they had and what it was like. It was killing me but after we discussed what really happened it was a lot different. I think my thoughts defaulted to the worst case scenario. I think if you want some details you should ask for them.

You both are hurting and feeling the pain of the betrayed and the guilt of the betrayer which sucks, I know. Maybe you H is right (for the moment) and you guys should wait to really start picking apart things while you're still in labor.


ann said:
I think neither of us want to know details of what occurred. I don't know if I could handle telling him.

The really hard part is over...confessing. You'll be suprised how strong you can be and the both of you together can be even stronger.

I have a favorite quote I'd like to share with you....
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

God Bless

Doug

Yes we confessed at the same time. My affair was a one time thing. It lasted about 20 minutes. Now the pursuing started 2yrs. before. He mention having an affair together 2 times before, saying our spouses would never know. So I should have known better. We did get physical, but I was able to say no I could not sleep with him. I guess in all honesty if he or I had had a condom, things may have been different. Sex mostlikely would have occurred. My H said his affair was a one night thing also. He said it lasted only 15-20 mins. I asked if they used a condom and he said yes that she had some. I asked if he was naked with her and he said no he never took his clothes off. He said it happen and then he left. He has seen her maybe two or three times in the past 3 years. They were somewhat friends before all this. I don't think he really liked her in that way, he said it was flirting that went to far. But like I said she always wanted him I am sure of that. So I think he new that also and new better. He is alot like me, so I know he is feeling pain also. He is upset with himself for allowing it to happen and he knows that he was not providing emotionally enough for me at the time of my affair. Plus like I said this was almost 4yrs about. We were different people at the time and in a totally different place in life than we are right now and every since the affairs. I think we can definitely make it. He feels the same, but says things will never be the same. I want him to realize that things could actually be better. Ann

This might sound funny.....things will never be the same but that is a good thing.

you've both grown since then and from what you say have a good relationship. But hiding secrets like this kept the two of you from the intimacy that was possible. Regardless of how long ago it happened the pain is still new to each of you and that will take time to deal with

Things can get better now because now the two of you can work through the guilt instead of just standing in it.

Have you read "Torn Assunder?" It is a good book. There is also a workbook that goes along with it.

I think as a little time goes buy that you H will realize that things can be better. My wife characterized what we went through like this....

Some times the best gifts come in sh1tty wrapping paper

God Bless

Doug

That is a funny quote from your wife. And it could be absolutely right. I know the pain takes time, I guess that is one thing I am impatient with. It is also hard because I always trusted my husband. I never had any reason not too. Now I have this dout, and it sucks. It is not to bad like I am paranoid all the time, but it is something I am not used too. I hope that will pass overtime also. I agree with the intimacy comment. I feel renewed in the way I feel about him. I feel closer in some ways, yet distant in others. Thank again. Ann

Just as with everything in life, trust has a darker side and its called 'blind trust'. Blind trust is actually a denial of the danger signs that were threatening your marriage. For example, you state that both of your ex-lovers had expressed their attraction for the two of you. That was a danger sign that these people had an agenda to seduce the two of you into having an affair. Affair or no affair, blind trust warps the view of ones spouse and makes one subconciously beleive that him/her is like an object that will always be there no matter what. Blind trust is akin to not looking both ways before crossing the street in the beleif that every motorist is supposed to watch out for what's in front of him/her. Sooner or later, a person will get run over.

Trust should always be the product of mutual accountability and radical honesty.

<small>[ September 18, 2004, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I am not sure if OW ever mention having an affair or her attraction to my H. I don't think she did. I knew the girl from high school we were from the same town. She new my H before I even met him. I just feel like she always had a crush on him. As far as my situation, yes it was inevitable that something would have happen with me and OM. I guess the bad part is, is that I knew that all along and did nothing about it except postpone the inevitable until a later date. First offer was in Summer of 1999 and it happen in Summer of 2001. Like everyone knows from being on this site, when someone else is making you feel good and giving you the attention you crave, the weakness sets in. Ann