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Joined: Jul 2004
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I posted a ways back on the Just Found Out thread. My H was having EA with old high school classmate. He went to see her one weekend with intentions of telling her they couldnt do it anymore, but I guess she beat him to it. Well, when he came home, he told me this and said that he was going to try to make our marriage work because he wanted me to know that he did try, but that he doesnt think it will work. He says he still doesn not feel in love with me. Ok, so now what do I do...its obvious he really cares and does love me. I think its just not the feelings he had with her that he's missing, so he thinks he's not in love with me. His acions show that he really does want to make this work, but of course he wont admit it. Could it just be that he is feeling guilty and not worthy of being loved or that he is scared, or what?? Any advice, please!! [Confused]

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Please stay in Plan A, and do a good one. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line.

Your situation is very typical.

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I went for two years with my FWH not being "in love with me" any more. That has since all changed...it took time, patience, set-backs, time, more time, Plan A, Plan A, (okay, a couple of LB sessions) Plan A.

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If your H is going thru a break up from OW be it a PA or an EA he ISNOT THINKING, he's in emotional chaos. Do not listen to his words of I dont know if I love you, I love you but I'm not in love with you. Please believe if you listen to these things it will only make the road to recovering your M more tedious. I am a FWS, I am also a BS, believe me I've done this and said similar things, MY W listened to me and went on with her life only to put herself in my same situation. Please believe me when I tell you that he is in the FOG and WITHDRAWAL if he's actually been in no contact with OW or his fantasy of OW. He is not thinking he is reeling from his emotions and his words though he believes them, his feelings though he believes them, THEY ARE MOMENTARY. This is all typical as my smart friend Believer has stated. Plan A is the best route and come her to vent when he says these things that hurt you to your heart. We are all here to support you and you are not alone. You H isn't saying anything we havent heard many times, once you understand what's happening you will be in a better position to deal with it and take positive action. God Bless.

FM

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Ok, so I read plan A and B and I know that he is no longer in contact with OW. So where do I go from here trying to get him to see that we can be in love again?? We did ML last night and then he slept in our bed with me. So now what do I do?? He seems to be afraid of imtimacy in a way..is it because he is reminded of her still??

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So, is anyone out there?? I need some help. I think I am doing what I should be doing, showing him appreciation, showing him I love him by doing his love languages, trying to feed his emotional needs...he did kiss me on the lips last nite before he left the house..of course I asked for one, but didnt expect it on the lips. It was a quick one, but I think a step in the right direction!! He hasnt done that in over 7 mos!!! I see positive moves forward, so should I just be patient? How far should I go or what are my "boundaries" right now?? Anyone??

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Hey nh! welcome. You've already received great suggestions/advice in the few posts you've already received. (The weekends here tend to be alot slower, so be patient!) Speaking of which...
quote:
Originally posted by newhopes:
He hasnt done that in over 7 mos!!! I see positive moves forward, so should I just be patient?

See? PATIENCE! That's all to "expect" now--little signs, baby steps. "Rome wasn't built in a day" and neither was your H's A. (If a person gains 100 pounds, surely they didn't put that weight on overnight; don't "expect" it to be lost overnight either.) Oh, did I say be patient? [Razz]

quote:
How far should I go or what are my "boundaries" right now??
I'm not sure if I know what you mean by "boundaries." Please explain. (Be patient if someone doesn't post right away!)

Keep reading up on some good plans you could be doing. There's also many books/articles on this slow recovery topic. And stick with us here. You'll find a plethera of support!

Best wishes!

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Newhopes,

My H came home for many reasons. One of which was that he wanted to say to himself that he gave it every effort to work his M out b4 he called it quits. When he moved back, he made sure I knew that he wasn't in love w/me, that he only cared about me as a good friend & he was convinced that our M was not going to work. We were too uncompatible. He slept on the couch for the first month or so. He didn't give me kisses. I would sleep in bed alone longing for him to come into bed w/me. He attended MC w/me, although reluctantly, and even told the C that he was only here b/c he didn't want to give up right away.

I did not let that discourage me. I continued to meet his needs & he took notice. He thought the changing in me was "fake". That I was only doing these things to win him back & then after that I would change back to my old ways. What he didn't realize was that I had prayed for God to change me & He was doing just that. He was changing me into the biblical W that I had read about.

It took a while, but when my H was at work one day, he thought about me & he was looking forward to coming home. This whole time he wasn't saying ILY when we hung up or giving me a kiss when he left 4 work. We would hug. This particular day he realized, kind of like a lightning bolt, that he actually did love me. He couldn't stop thinking about me. He realized that yeah, this M was going to work. He surprised me the next day by telling me first, ILY b4 we hung up. I was shocked! Since then, it's been lots of kisses, lots of hugs, snuggling, etc.

So my answer to you is just keep doing what you're doing. He will notice. Maybe at first he didn't think you two would make it. He was very doubtful. Maybe now he realizes that things are changing, but he could still be leary about it. What he has to see is that your changes are genuine & that you're not going to turn back into the W you were b4. Keep showing him that respect and admiration. Guys thrive on it! And in turn, he will show you the love that you desire. It's already starting. Maybe it was like a lightning bolt for your H as well. What you need to pray for right now is patience.

Love in Christ,
Y

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For my H, after two long years, renewed contact with OW, counselling, reading, and him STILL not being in love with me an unable to say those words, it too was a "lightning bolt" moment.

It was coming up to Valentine's Day - and I was dreading it so we had a very candid conversation over dinner one night and I was asking him some tough questions about his feelings. I think he realized that I couldn't go on much longer really. I was also dealing with the illness of my dear Mom who died a couple of months later.

At any rate - three days later the dreaded Valentine's day arrived and so did a mushy card, roses and lots and lots of I love you's and I'm sorry's....

It took time, lots and lots of Plan A - not just for him but for me too. We communicate so much better now and I'm not nearly as critical or as judgemental as I was prior to the affair.

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My H came home for many reasons. One of which was that he wanted to say to himself that he gave it every effort to work his M out b4 he called it quits. When he moved back, he made sure I knew that he wasn't in love w/me, that he only cared about me as a good friend & he was convinced that our M was not going to work.

Wow, that is exactly my H!! Exactly his words too!!

By boundaries, I mean, should I try to be intimate with him even though he seems uncomfortable, should I ask for things I want even if he might not be ready to give them to me...things like that...I dont want to push him too hard...

I hope my H gets hit with a lightening bolt soon!!

[ September 18, 2004, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: newhopes ]

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Your husband is in withdrawal, and will be like this for awhile. Not fun at all. But the lightening bolt WILL strike him. Don't worry about that.

Many, many folks here have been through the same thing. Later your husband will not believe that he could have done this.

So develop a plan. It should be Plan A. Stay firmly in that. Also you need a plan for you. Start exercising, clean the house spotless, go out with friends, detail the car, cook great meals, get a hobby. These things will raise your self esteem, which is very likely in the toilet.

Also figure out how to meet more of your husband's EN's. Most men need admiration, which is hard to do right now. So ask him for help with things, and if he pitches in, admire him.

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NH, My H and I are also in very early recovery. He made it very clear that he came back b/c he felt guilty leaving me and the kids b/f we had a chance to move from our townhouse to a house. The same old "I don't have any feelings." After 6 weeks found out there was C with OW (thanks to "spyware") and that he was even planning on moving us out of state and then he would D me and go off with her (all this to ease his guilt).

Well, I immediately halted the move and it was like he finally "got it." There is NC now and he is committed--knowing that it will take some time. He is now again in depressed withdrawals, but seems stronger.

One thing he told me during our talk was that he had wanted to go slowly with SF and that I had pushed too soon. He said that this made him even MORE depressed (b/c he really didn't have the feelings yet). This coming from a guy whose top ENs are affection and SF. So now I am backing off a bit and sticking to more nonsexual affection, such as back rubs.

FE_H

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Well he seems to be moving closer to me instead of pushing me away, so something must be going right. I understand its gonna take some time, I try to put myself in his shoes and see what he is going through. Im sure he is confused, thinking how could he be in love with 2 people. I also wonder if he is just doing things to make me feel better...but then why would he do that or how could he pretend so much that I feel that he is being real about things. If he was so set on showing me things would not work out, would he really be so kind and considerate and caring?? He has been sleeping in our bed again...and seems to be moving closer to me in bed instead of laying way on the other side of the bed. Its so weird, its like we are strangers in the same house....we are having to get to know each other all over again, which in a way is good, because now he will get to know the "new" me.... [Big Grin]


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