We have been married for 7yrs. together for 9yrs. Found out 2 1/2 weeks ago that he had and affair almost 4yrs ago, and I confessed to having one 3 1/2 years ago. Pretty close together in time frame. His affair included sex. He says just one time thing and it meant nothing to him. I know girl and new she always wanted him. I did not have sex with the guy, stopped just short of it. I also new he always wanted me. This guy is unfortunately my H best friend and has been for almost 20yrs. So situations are different, but very similar. I love my H with all my heart and I know he loves me. We want to work it out and stay together. My husband is I feel afraid to deal with the pain of all of this. He is upset that I made him remember the affair after burrying it for 4 year and is hurt by me and his friend. I feel honesty is always best policy and will only help the healing and make our marriage hopefully better in the long run. I hate the image I get when I think of him and the girl. I want to puck, she is disgusting in my eyes. We have a 2yr old and I am due to have another any day now. At time of affairs we were having so serious problems, and have never really dealt with them like we said we were going too. He wants to wait to deal with my affair and how he feels about it until after this baby comes. Why? I am afraid he will just burry all of this and nothing will get solved once again. He needs to open up and let the pain in, I feel anyway. But I understand on one wants to deal with pain and feel it. What should I do? We are going to counceling and hoping it helps. He does not want to talk about any of this except at counceling. Any suggestions or questions for me please?

Hi Ann,
This is my 1st "Welcome to MB". My H usually does this ..... I am so sorry that your M suffered such pain ... and in the recovery there may be more. However, this is a good place for the both of you.

I (BS) am married to the "King of the Stuffers". My FWH had such difficulties w/ communicating anything to me .... and he "needed" to. He had an EA w/ one of his co-workers b/c of this. Our story is too long to go over now... but he came here to "find" so answers about his "situation" ... I came here after I found out about his "situation". We are doing pretty good in so many ways. We have talked more in the last 3 months than we have in the last 6 years or so of our marriage of 11 years.

He comes here to vent or express himself or to get well deserved advice (and 2x4's sometimes). I kind've of lurk and pop in from time to time.

However, there are people who truely understand ... your "situation" may not be that "unique" (fortunately and unfortunately).

My H was so poorly equipped to communicate w/ me ... (My therapist just pointed out last night a very good point .... My H thought I was having an A about 4 1/2 years ago ... w/ a woman. As my therapist said, "He thought you were having a bisexual affair and didn't confront you or bring this up until now?")

He's working on this EN of his and mine. So am I.

Hang in there .... you've come to a very good place. It really sounds like the 2 of you had EN's that weren't being met. And God bless you with your 2 year old and baby on the way.

I have a question .... why do you think you and your H had affairs .... what do you think triggered them?

Brown

I did what I did because he was not meeting a great deal of my needs. I was not into our relationship sexually, mentally, and really I was pretty immature yet. I was 22yrs. old when we married. My dad had died in the year before that time and my husband was not very supportive. Why he cheated? Well I am not exactly sure. He was having an extremely hard time job wise. Since he was 14yrs old, he wanted to be a cop. His whole life revolved around that. He came to a small town to work as a cop (where I grew up)and liked it at first. When we met I told him he would hate it in a year. That happened. He quit the job about 2 weeks before we got married.(1997)In the next three years he had 8 jobs. Depression set in for him, and I wanted him to settle down and find something so we could move to the next phase of our marriage. He never told me how bad he felt about where his life was going. I thought his depression was just a weakness and an excuse. Even if he had told me how he was feeling, I know deep down that I would not have understood. He felt like our marriage was not going to work and decided to take a job in Las Vegas and leave me in Wisconsin.(2000) We were fighting, but I did not realize his feelings towards our relationship. I was extremely mad, pissed, angry. I could be really mean to him and not an understanding person. So from all this I definetly was not meeting his needs. He came home for Christmas after being in Vega for 3 weeks and stopped at a friends house and he said one thing lead to another and it was just sex did not mean anything. As upset as I am about what he did, I know that it is definitely partially my fault. He said this is the only time this happened. I want to believe that but it is hard. Of coarse he could say the same for me. I almost wish I had not made him tell me. Especially having it have been almost 4years ago. But the truth is I felt guilty yet about mine and would not have told him of mine had he not had one. So what do you think?