There seem to be more users here than the In Recovery board I posted on, so I am reposting here.

I am new here and this is my first post. Hopefully I will get all the termininology correct, here goes. About 3 months ago I became a WS. My H found out immediatly and I ended the A. My H and I have been together for about 20 years and we have both been faithful up until this point. So here are my questions.

I believe the WS goes through a similar grief process to the BS after d-day. I know the five stages of grief (shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). I also know that WS must forgive themselves somewhere in the process. I have been trying to figure out where I am in this process and realized I am really not sure how some of the stages will manifest themselves for an WS. I have been through stages of shock and some anger. But I am not sure about bargaining. I am not sure what exactly this means for an WS. What kind of bargaining is to be expected? Also, I was very depressed during the first two stages. I am now on anti-depressants but have no doubt that I am still depressed. But right now I feel so positive and optomistic about the future that I don't really feel down unless we speak specifically about the A.

I am wondering if others were/are able to identify where they are in the grief process? I know that all cases will be different, but I kind of feel like I have spiraled off into this no mans land where everything looks rosy. Maybe it's the medication.

The other question I have is the difference between forgiving and accepting. I believe I can forgive myself, but I am really in the dark as to what accepting entails. How do I make myself accept this. Does it just happen when it is time? I have a hard time believing I can ever accept what I did. It seems too much like trying to justify it or gloss over it.

Since I am pretty vague on these issues any input would be greatly accepted.

Hi G,
I don't have any answers for you but I can say this, your not alone. I too had an affair and to see the grief I have caused my wife is sometimes unbearable. She is the best wife a man could have. If you find answers please post them, o rbetter yet, if you find a time machine let me know please. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sleepless:

Have you found this to be a helpful forum. I was on another one, but then I believe my H showed up there as well. I left to give him his privacy. I know some sites are better than others, so I am wondering about this one.

Yes i have found it helpful, but mostly by reading the boards and seeing what my wife is going through so I can better meet her needs and give her space. I also find it encouraging to see that others have made it through affairs and gone on to recover and be happy again. It's only been two weeks since discovery for me. At this point I feel like this will never end. But reading here makes me feel like it will someday.I do however warn you, you will find discouraging things here as well.

One quote that helps me: I'm not a bad person, just a person that did something wrong.

Sleepless, only two weeks? You have my understanding and support. I remember how horrible that time was for me. You are doing well if you are already looking for help and guidance in these places. It took me a good month to get through the shock phase. I could not do anything but cry. I couldn't talk to my H, couldn't deal with my children, avoided my friends. I was also going through some really serious withdrawls then. My PA was only one night, but it followed a 6 month EA that I tried to stop several times. But the OP kept contacting me and drawing me back in. I could really use that time machine now. But there is hope, we are three months in as I said, and we are doing great. There are still tears, but we are in MC. And I honestly don't think our M has ever been this good. We are actually communicating where we never did before. It will get better.

Gillagriene, I haven't much to add right now. I'm at work (different side of the world) and try not to post too much from work.

I am a FWW (former wayward wife). My A lasted 18 months and ended in June 2003. I really just wanted to say that this board is very, very supportive of people in your situation - and extremely helpful. Anyone here to rebuild their marriage, be they WS or BS, is welcomed. BS's are in a great deal of pain and may say things to you which can be hurtful but MB's a very supportive place to be as a rule.

I've been posting here since February and I think it's safe to say that the people here helped save my marriage. My H also fought long and hard for me and I read and read and posted and posted till I finally "got it".

As to the grief aspect - yes, you do go through all the stages. Acceptance is when the OP (other person) is a blur in the distance, you are sure you are in love with your H and your marriage is better than ever. Well, that's how I see it.

I hope a few other very wise posters will be along soon.

Jen

I am forunate I guess, I was never in the "fog".
The OW was already a blur in the distance at the time of discovery. I can't wait until the day she is a blur in the distance for my wife. We are on our way..............