Why is it so wrong to want the passion? To need to feel the unbridaled raw lust and passion of desire. Why? If it's so important, do we get comfortable, and forget about it? Or was it ever truly there? Is it fantasy or fog to want it so much that it takes your breath away? Is it not a real feeling to want to feel so good, to fly so high in passion and love, to never want to come down.
Are we supposed to settle, forget what we crave, to push it to the back, or so deep that we become numb to our emotions?
Should we have to ask for these needs to be fulfilled? Do you not like the way I feel or taste? Do I have to ask you to crawl inside me and love the feeling of being under my skin?

Maybe I'm in a fog... maybe I'm just so stupid that I want to believe in fate, miracles, signs, passion, love, and desire. I want to believe in feelings, emotions, smiles and tears... God, I want to feel and breathe...

Or do we give up, let go and become numb.
To just stop asking...
I want it to be a natural desire, to want to be with me.
If not, I'd rather be alone.

Sakari,

Whew! Pretty heavy duty so early in the morning.

I think that is why "you have to work at the marriage" The passion and excitement are at the beginning of the relationship, its all new and exciting...exploring and discovering.

As time goes on and every day hum drum becomes commonplace, the effort must increase to keep oneself from going numb.

But I think you already knew that. More of a rhetorical question, yes?

k

Dear Sakari,

I think you're quite right. To me, life is also about passion, mystery, magic, signs, fate... But if anyone thinks an A is going to bring those things they'd better think again. All an A brings is cheap thrills, like you would get from drugs. It's a adrenaline rush, a testosterone rush, whatever, it has nothing to do with "love" as it is based on lies and deceit.

But now really.. would the only alternative be just accept that "it isn't there" and to become numb? I wouldn't settle for that. My H had the A - I don't know what your story is, but I'm surely not settling for numb and boredom.
Life is what you make of it, that's one thing I have learned - the hard way.

Do you feel like you can't reach your H somehow?
Please explain dear Sakari.

PASSION

Our pastor started a series last week on the 10 commandments.

Pastor said the first 4 commandments have to do with your relationship with God and the remaining 6 have to do with your relationships with other people.

Our Pastor said that Passion really means emotional commitment.

That got me thinking.

My H complained about no passion in our M. Tried to justify his A's by saying he didn't think I loved him and that there was no passion in our M.

Passion = emotional commitment. My H did not commit himself emotionally to our M or me...so he did not experience passion.

Do you think if a couple commits emotionally to each other there will be all kinds of passion?

I do.

Take care.

sss

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

Hi sakari - I've been wondering where you were.

I suggest you re-read your post and whenever you say the word "passion", imagine a high a drug addict feels.

Now, try answering your own questions from that perspective.

WAT

Don't you ever wonder why? When you kissed you H or W this morning, did you even feel it? Did you really feel it so much that it almost made your heart skip a beat. Did it make you want to climb back into bed, because you love the taste of their skin on your lips? Did you ever feel it?
OK, passion.... A drug, I get it. But my question was... Is it wrong to WANT passion in your life? Stop thinking about passion from an AFFAIR for a minute, think about it in our marriages. Is it there, was it ever there. And honestly, I don't want to think about passion as being something bad for me.
My question... Don't you think that at some point it should be a natural desire to want and crave it. Or am I wanting something that just doesn't exist in a commited relationship, because we let the every day hum drum become more important?
Re-read my original post, and think in terms of your marriage or committed relationship...
Then share with me why?

Are we really supposed to fight our urges... Not show our true emotions... (keep thinking in terms of committed relationships, not A's) If you want to grab your W and show her that you can give her that ultimate bliss, that you are her MAN, then why don't you! WITH YOUR EYES OPEN!
W's, why do we not loose our minds in bed with our H's. I've read here that that's one of the things that they need. Do we forget that we need it too?
Why do we have to ask for it? Are we embarrased to show that we NEED? Do we love our spouses the way we say we do.
Oh, there is nothing I wouldn't do... What would you do?

Brownhair:
Do I feel like I can't reach my H? No, and it is from the very beginning, even b/4 we were married that I started asking....

So, Rhetorical? NO. I am asking honest, true heart felt questions.

Krusht:
Pretty heavy stuff so early in the morning... It's not so early when you don't sleep. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WAT:
I'm here, just lurking, and still trying to stay strong, and HONEST. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for wondering...

I don't think passion is something someone gives us-I think it comes from within. No matter how much chocolate I get in my life, I'll always enjoy it. I will always smile each time my daughter wants to share tidbits of her life with me. No matter how horribly my stbxh treated me, I gave him respect. It has nothing to do with chocolate, my daughter or my stbxh, it is about me. What I think is important. What gives me joy. Where I look for joy.

I think you are confusing passion with lust. There is a big difference. One can experience lust when thinking of a particularly handsome man but passion comes when the relationship with that particular man is important. Big difference.

I think what you're experiencing is either fog, withdrawal or justification to get back into that relationship. I suspect it's justification.

You can feel better about what you're doing with these justifications-in the short run. You're walking down a dangerous path, sakari, and you know where it will lead you. You've been there before. You're looking for that passion but it's not with him. That's lust and it's a dead end street. Go get your fix if you must but know you went there in full knowledge that it's bad.

Never Mind...

No, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm not looking or wanting another round with OM!!!
Second, not only do I want my marriage to be happy, I want IT to be full of PASSION and LUST. My H is both handsome and important to me.

I suppose it's hard to express true feelings through typed words. And with me being the "bad guy" I guess it tends to bring out the caution signs.

I understand what you are asking. Sometimes in our marriages we aren't on the same page as far as needs and desires. Your H may still be healing. His sexual appetite may be less than yours.

I know that my H felt lust in his A's. I know that when we were in early recovery we had a honeymoon period of heightened passionate lovemaking.

He has not been as interested as I have been for months. Sometimes I feel like I am having to ask too much. It bothers me. I then wonder what it means if anything. I try to chalk it up to his age. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bit too insecure about it. I don't want our marriage to go too far down that path so that it becomes sexless....it isn't there yet, thank God.

I still need to make it through Schnarch's 'Passionate Marriage'. You may want to read it too...share it with your H.

It does seem like differing levels of desire is common in recovery. I do not believe those differences constitute a reason to look outside my marriage or end your current marriage. It just confirms that we still have work to do and more POJA on the subject. It doesn't seem to just fix itself in a long term marriage unless we keep working on it. I don't want to accept that our marriage with lack lusty sex forever...I certainly would love to experience it...but our marriage didn't really start out with lots of fireworks on my part. I love my husband and am commited to our marriage and nurturing its continued growth and exploration. I don't want to get complacent as I once was.

There've been some threads dealing with a bit of this on EN Board recently.

JPH: Little funny for you... I was eating a Harry and David dark chocolate truffle as I was reading your post. If only that did it for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But then again they are 100 calories each.

Trix: Thanks for your post. After I posted here, I thought it probably would've been best for me to post under EN.

sakari,

I think that passion can be sustained in a marriage. This is what my partner and I strive for. Granted my relationship is just under two years and perhaps we are still in the throws of passion. But I think the key is that we are both focused on making our relationship grow. We communicate, we talk about our dreams, expectations, fears, our future...Its easy to lose sight of the things that bring two people together. Marriage/relationships are work..a job within itself. Dont we all want to love what we do career wise? I would think so...I do. Passion for my work can only yield tremendous success. Lets talk about complacency. You'd mentioned getting into the routine of everyday living...this is where IMHO, the passion takes a turn in the relationship. We stop being motivated and just quit doing the necessary things to massage and stimulate ongoing passion. We stop tending to our passion gardens. We forget to deadhead, prune,fertilize ect, in order to have new growth. Bottom line. It takes work...maintaining a healthy relationships shouldnt be just a job...but a career that you continue to put passion into. I think this is where people get confused about "being in a committed relationship" being committed doesnt just mean that your gal will keep her legs closed or that the guy will keep his trouser trout in his pants and neither will stray outside the marriage...but more being committed to working every day on yourself and in your relationship, striving to be the best partner possible. Sure, there will be hickups and rough patches along the way....just gotta tend the garden. okay..my apolgies for babbling...just that this kinda hit home for me. Plus...its really not anything that any of us dont already know...we just need to practice consistently.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />