Ran into FOW last night. I can't really remember the specifics cause I was in a daze the entire time we talked. She came up to me and apologized, said she was sorry. I said thank you. Asked me how I was doing, I said good. She told me that it will never happen again. I said, hopefully none of us will ever have to go through something like this ever again. She agreed, saying that it was hard or something like that for everyone involved. I said, I don't think it was fun for any of us.

Here is where I really go into daze mode. She complimented me on my looks (last time she saw me was dday #2, 4/9/04 when I was 7 months pregnant). I'm a size 6 again and I looked very well last night as I was going to the theater to see FWH perform. She complimented me on my hair, we briefly talked about highlights, a play she's auditioning for, when she'll finish college (in two years), her nice coat. One of us said something like, well, I'm glad we've gotten this out of the way. We said goodbye and then she said once again how skinny I was.

What a dorky conversation. Imagine all of the things you'd like the OP to know, that you've told them in your mind, and then when it comes down to it - it just doesn't matter. The whole thing is just sad and pathetic.

I met up with FWH and a my girlfriend after the play to have a drink and we hung out together for 30 minutes before FWH left to go to bed, (we're temporarily separated - we're keeping this very private and not letting people know really). I walked FWH to the door and just let him know that I ran into FOW and told him about the conversation because I thought he should know. He thanked me and I think FWH was pleased that I handled it so well and that it didn't seem to bother me. I smiled and we hugged and kissed goodnight.

Seeing FOW bothered me and didn't bother me at the same time. The FOW is a very pretty 24 year old actress, she's been in movies and she weighs 95 lbs. Her college career was put on hold for a few years while she lived in Hollywood. I think her intention is to finish college and then go back to Hollywood. All of this was very important to me when I was pregnant because I felt unattractive, unglamorous, lumpy, plain, and boring.

What I'm trying to do now is reframe some of my perspectives on how I think about the A. But I'd like help on positive ways to reframe.

Instead of thinking, she's the last woman FWH has slept with - I'll think - I'm my FWH's best friend.

Instead of - the OW is prettier than I am - I'll think - I'm beautiful whereas she is cute.

Instead of thinking - she weighs 35 lbs. more than I do - I'll think - I'm 5 inches taller and have boobs.

Instead of thinking - my FWH fell in love with her - I'll think I'm the woman FWH wants to share his life with.

Instead of thinking - she's a ***** - I'll think she was sad, lost and confused.

Instead of thinking - my FWH tried to replace me with her - I'll think he was sad, lost, and confused.

OK, this isn't making me feel any better cause the negative part hurts more than the positive part feels good. Perhaps I'm better off just not thinking about the A?

Congratulations Loy! You handled this situation beautifully and I admire your great attitude. What a lady! Your husband is a very lucky man.

Kati

Hi Loy,

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with your story. I'll try to go to some old posts later. But I just had to respond to your post. I have a fear of running into the FOW but want to run into her at the same time. It is unlikely for me to run into her anywhere but my FWH's job. She lives across town and her kids go to different schools than ours. But if I did I agree that I would probably forget everything I had said to her in my head. Nevermind the fact that I probably should not say the things that I've thought in my head. I think my emotions might get the best of me. Which is something I think I'd regret later.

FWH and I are on the road to recovery except that he still works with her. He is out of the fog but still in withdrawal from her. Which is compromised everyday because he has to see/talk to her. I'm busy everyday looking for him a new job.

Anyway, I have considered writing the FOW a letter or actually talking with her face to face. That really scares me. I don't know if I could handle it as calmly as you did. Did you know her very well before?

Somehow during my part of the recovery I feel that I should address her in some way. I guess for lack of a better word I feel I will need some closure and somehow I feel that it may require setting things straight with her. If that makes any sense at all. Your positive thoughts are a great idea. I need to try to think along those lines. I tend to dwell on the sadness and disappointment at times. But at the same time things between us are so much better than before. He and I are both more considerate with each other than we have been in years. And I know he wants to be here and make our marriage great. So I am happy at the same time. Very weird this emotional roller coaster. One minute I feel like I can conquer the world and the next I'm down in the dumps over some little thing.

I agree it is better not to think about the A. But how do you go about doing that? It permeates my every thought during the day. I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it until he can have complete NC with her.

I hope your day gets better.

Loy I am so far from your graciousness yet that I can't even see it with a spyglass.

Very well done on your handling of this potentially difficult situation ! It scares me a little that I know I physically couldn't see FOM without causing him as much physical damage as I possibly could with whatever I could hold or swing.

I particularly like your deliberate positive thinking. I am not a great believer in PT most times, but as the stuff you were saying to yourself is ACTUALLY TRUE,not just hopeful fluff its not 'positive thinking' as much as 'fact reinforcement'. Thats positive LIVING , not just thinking !


Maybe in time I can be as gracious as you over FOM, right now theres no chance. Thats an inspirational post I'll save it away and read it again when I hate FOM less.

Katie: Thanks. Seeing the FOW again shook me up a little. Although I was able to enjoy the rest of the night, I wish it had less of an impact.

Naivegirl, I've been trying to use the STOP thechnique when I get bad thoughts of A. I'm getting better, but my current STOP technique is get up and do something which today was: tried on some fancy dresses at a department store during lunch. Looked at some fancy underwear.

My self esteem has been getting a ton better since FWH began the temp separation, primarily because I am now focused on my individual recovery and have completely stopped trying to help/fix FWH. Cause really, that's not fair to him. He's a big boy and will take care of himself. That's his responsibility, not mine. Plus, I want to love him for who he is - not what he could be.

We're great friends and that's nice. We've just started to flirt a bit again.

I only knew the FOW from a show FWH did with her last fall. We know a lot of the same people and she actually came to the New Years Eve party at our home during the A.

Even though I had a big discussion with FOW and FWH on dday2, this conversation is detailed in my April post, and then this second conversation last night, I don't think there is any amount of communication with anyone else that can make me feel better. No one else can heal me. I've now given myself permission to feel good about life and start living even though my life is horribly imperfect.

Why was I waiting for things to be perfect before I started to live life? I had put my life on hold so I could recover. That is so backwards. You can only start to recover when you start living your life again, regardless of all the imperfections.

If everything was perfect in your life, what would you be doing differently?

So far I've gone salsa dancing, learned to apply make up, gone out with friends once a week, rearranged the living room, office, girls room, and am working on my bedroom. I take the girls on fun outings regardless of FWH's availability, I've begun my photography class, the water babies class starts in two weeks, I'm planning a party at my house regardless of where FWH lives, and I'm volunteering.

How did my life become so rich in just three weeks?

Wow..what an ucky situation..and such a dismissive apology as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Gee, sure am sorry I had sex with your husband.
So, how about this crazy weather?

Nope don't see myself having trite conversation with ow..I would have to put up a hand and say..let me stop you, to let you know..that if you apologise to me, without knowing what precisely you are apologising for..I will beat you to death. If and only if this person were able to make a genuine apology..not a shucks this sure is ackward apology..would I even consider accepting it..and certainly not on the spot..and we won't be having any other conversation either.

Frankly, her boldness makes me ill.
I'm not suprised that you needed to reinforce your feelings of worth after such a shockingly inappropriate encounter. That's a likely contibuter to the dazed feeling. It's pretty surreal, no? Bleh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

edit for spelling error

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

Actually..on second thought..an apology is really inappropriate because...

1 to make excuse for or regretfull acknowledgement of a fault or offense.

2 to make a formal defense or justification in speech or writing.

Nope, neither of those will do. She can ask for my forgiveness instead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

noodle- It bugged me when she told me it would never happen again because it implied she had control and FWH doesn't. Yuk. So I think I encouraged the trite conversation because I wanted to make her unimportant and trivial to me.

Bob, thanks for calling me gracious. Especially since all I felt was self conscious and defensive.